Captured

Getir.

Melihat keputusan yang diambil oleh orang yang lalu.

Untuk masa depannya

Somehow,

Postingan tentang cinta-patah hati-emosi-luka berakhir begitu saja. Ga ada lagi tulisan malam penuh luka. Ga ada lagi mengenang masa lalu. Ga ada lagi perasaan yang tak tersampaikan. Ga ada lagi surat tanpa penerima.

I am here. Happy.

Could have not imagined that I can feel this way. Towards someone.

Apa artinya kisah lama berakhir?

Masih ada kok, yang nampaknya belum selesai. Tapi, somehow, perasaannya tersampaikan langsung ke yang dituju. Tak ada lagi penyesalan karena takut menyampaikan. Atau segan ditolak.

Because of you, I feel safe.

Summer time part 1.

Florence, a city I've veen longing to visit since I read Inferno by Dan Brown. I just have this city in my mind. It turned out to be so gorgeous. However, one thing I remember the most about this place is about this gentleman. I met this grandpa in the bus, forgot which one, either C2 or C3, don't even sure about it now. I remember meeting him after going back from Pisa. He asked me whether I have spare ticket with me or not, he would like to buy it. I gave him, because I just bought 3 tickets. He gave me 2 euro coin that I didn't have a change with me. He said fine. He meant to give me 2 euro tho. I asked him, where does he come from just because I thought he was a tourist too with his fluency in English. He said, he was born there, in Florence, 80 years ago. I asked him several questions again but he couldn't hear it well and replied with 'my English is not very well'. I know it is not true, he was already so old and by the way his speaking I know he is somewhat educated.

Then, just before he get off. He said to me, randomly, 'you are not only beautiful, but your heart is shining'.

I was touched. I said my gratitude and farewell to him. I realized because I have some thoughts recently, maybe I've changed to become somehow worse than before. I become easily irritated, get angry quite often too during this trip, and I keep asking myself a question what happened to me, why am I being this annoying person.

Day 5 (I skipped Day 4).

Coming home to this view. The sun sets pretty late now because if summer time. My window facing right to the direction of the moon. I feel at ease with this vibe.

Day 3.

Lack of sleep. Last night I went to sleep at 4am, get up at 8.19am (late for sensory study), late for another 30 minutes for group meeting. Now I had trouble with my stomach. Partly due to period-ache, partly due to stress.

Andere week meer voor hand in the assignment. Quite big project accounted for 12 credits which equal to 2 whole months (8 weeks) 8 hours a day. Last period indeed. Thank God, there will be no exam. Though, I have to do 2 re-exams in JANUARY. Couldn't attend the august re-exam because I will be still doing the AIESEC project. I just knew that I would failed at some point *sob*

Day 2.

D-3 after you peacefully leave the world.

I asked my sister in law, how our niece reacted to her uyut's deceased. She said 'lagi bobok'. My sister also said that our niece even remembered where was Eyang's room while she was hospitalized. She would said 'kita jenguk uyut yah, uyut di rs'. My niece was Eyang's favorite great grandchild. I know I sound so irresponsible for saying it, but it was the truth. My niece somehow was specialized by eyang. She would even go out to pick a dress for my niece by herself. It was actually the last time I accompanied my grandma out for shopping. She would feel very tired afterwards, but she would never said so. She would've pushed herself too much. She often ended up staying in her room for days after that. Now I said that, I always feel so insecure when she didn't wake up early in the morning as usual. Because sometimes she would ring the bell to ask someone for help. I often feel insecure and sometimes checked her every now and then, just to make sure she still... breathing. I remembered how I quietly opened my Eyang's room, to pick a little, to check her moving chest ups and downs. A sign of a life. And I keep doing it until she gets up.

The thought of never will I see her again still broke my heart. Every time. It hurts Yang. I'm so sorry I couldn't meet you or be there for you on last remaining days. Thank you for the sign you gave when mom said my greetings for you. Sorry I couldn't really be there myself. You will be forever missed.

Till we meet again.

By the window,

Not so long ago I decided to take a picture on daily basis and actually write something about that day in particular. It will serve as my daily contemplation as I have been living here nearly a year. Only another year to spend. I would like to cherish every moment from now on. Be it good or bad day. I will embrace it because no more taking for granted of something. I learnt it in harsh way.

Even if it only means that, I survived another day with only breathing. I want to connect to people I dear even more in future. Be in present as much as I could. Release the dwell of the past a little bit.

Now counted as Day 1.

Today supposed to have thunderstorm. But the day was as bright as ever. Only in evening it was a bit cloudy, but no thunderstorm. I still felt the mourning of lost. I keep crying from time to time. How frightening it might be that life will never be the same after this. I lost my family I could called a home. Tomorrow may bring another feeling.

Eyang,

I may not be your most proud grandchild. I might have my share of mistake. I might have caused you several heartaches. However, please let me fell apart now in rememberance of you. Eyang, the first memory I hade with you was dated back around when I was still kid, when you were still living in the old house in Erlangga. I remembered clearly how we went to cinema because I want to watch Petualangan Sherina. I remembered how you offered me a snack to accompany our cinema time. Pocky pink that was it. We went by Bajaj for sure, just the two of us. I was still so young I couldn't remember anything in detail other than that. Only cinema and pink pocky. Even now, I still often bring Pocky whenever I went to cinema.

Then, you moved to Cipayung for good just because the old house was so big you feel empty? I don't know for sure the exact reason. But, I remembered it was when my brother still in Junior high school.

Then, I also moved to Jakarta for a couple of years. Untill I was 2nd year of JS I moved back to Bandung. Indeed, that was a rough time for me. It affects me mentally as a kid and partly shaped my characters now. I couldn't blame anyone as I didn't understand why me at that time. I felt abandoned. After that time, I always feel hesitant around you, not sure how to behave. It happens for a very long time enough. As far as I remember, only until I reach college then I can talk to you with ease.

Then again, after I graduated in 2015 I asked your premission to live with you until I got settled on my own because I had my first job as intern and it happened so fast from interview to the settled date to begin the internship. I felt so afraid to live with you again. I felt my trauma all over again. But I just have to move immediately. Yes, you gave me premission. I started to have more talk with you during that past 3 months.

It was indeed short. But, I was able to loosen a bit around you. We certainly had our time Yang. Every sunday morning, every 2 weeks at least we would go for groceries to Santa by bajaj. You would introduce me around your usual seller as 'cucu ke 13'. I would never go back too late after work otherwise you would worried. That's why no after office hour for me. I also remembered your favorite KFC cream soup and Burger deluxe whenever you were too lazy to cook or eat from the usual place.

Then, on the new year Eve. We were drove by my aunt and uncle to enjoy the fireworks on highway. I certainly had my very best moment with you during that time Yang. I couldn't remembered the rest, only fraction of small pieces of memory I spent with you. Mba jamu every morning, TTS book you always fill on everyday, your glasses that was always being asked whereabouts, your favorite Mari Regal biscuits, indomie goreng with only half of the seasoning and kecap bango.

Until, the last few years (4 or so?) you were not able to live by yourself. You were constantly going back and forth to ICU. I were not able to always present during that time.

Before I went for study. I never imagined I could perhaps lose you. It never crossed my mind, that it might perhaps the last time I sawyou. You shared so much stories with me on the last days of my days before I went to NL. You said how you used to drive very fast with your sedan (80 km/h), you tell me stories about the old photo album, you told me stories from your old days. I couldn't remember all of it, but I remembered how you used to share it. Even on wheelchair. While sunbathing in the terrace.

Last time you were admitted to ICU you were kinda looking for me, until gaby phoned me said 'Eyang nanyain kamu Ta'. Thank God, we had our first (and last) video call at that time. Your expression was so sad and frightened. You said 'doain eyang ya inta' almost on the edge of crying. I said 'eyang yang kuat ya sembuh ya'. Then, she indeed were better and were able to go home.

But this time. The last 2 weeks she spent in ICU, almost 1 week she was unconscious. I couldn't say good bye to her. I never phone her again. I still felt she will overcome her illness. She was so strong to have done it continuesly before.

Then, she was freed from her illness. She smiled on her dead body. I lost one of my home I called family and couldn't do anything better. I should have done more the phone talk. I regret why didn't I be more closer to her. My heart aches still now. I never imagined I would be this broken hearted over the lost of someone.

Eyang, you know that I never hate you right? I was only being afraid around you that's why I keep my distance with you. I shouldn't have done that. I only want you to know that I love you Eyang. I wish to have more time with you. I wish to understand you more. Be rest in peace Eyang, I hope you were not feeling lonely now. I hope you and eyangkung will be together. I hope we will re-united in Jannah.

Till we meet again Eyang ♥️

If only I could make you understand.

Lu…luruh Se…luruh harapku Lu…luruh Se…mua janjimu Ke…tika jalanku dan jalanmu Tak ber..tak ber temu Hmm.. Hmm.. Tuh..runtuh Se…luruh maknaku Ke…tika Ingin ku dan inginmu Takme…takmenyatu Takme…takmenyatu Didalam pusaranmu Adakah ruang untuk Kau dan aku pengaruh Mencari titik temu… temu 

Kau dan aku Kau dan aku (Luruh) Kau dan aku (Luruh) Ke…tika  Ingin ku dan inginmu  Takme…takmenyatu 

I have decided before, the only thing that will make me stop is 'that' only reason. Not because we're not seeing each other again. Not because we keep unsure when is the time to finally saying goodbye. However I have never expected it'll be this soon. I was still have this feeling - you are the one. Only until a minute ago. When the reality hit this hard, I'm not so sure how I should believe in my 'guts' ever again. I know it never betrayed me, but maybe this time God has another plan.

It's not even half a year ago that you said you were never actually leave me, but now you're saying you marrying this girl. I guess your latest good bye is the truth this time. Actually If I didn't ask you, again, is it really a good bye this time, you wouldn't say it right? At the end. You never really set my heart in peace. You choose a hard way to say it.

Guess my existence is never that significant for him afterall. I hope it'll pass soon too.

Cantik.