trust my instincts

“I knew you were scared.” He shot back, unable to hide the strain in his voice though whether that was from the physical exertion or the emotions welling up inside he couldn’t be sure. “I know you panicked. Why do you think I never came running after you? I knew it wasn’t what you wanted or needed.” The hike uphill made it difficult to catch his breath, but after a few moments he managed to continue. “So I let you go figuring you just needed space to sort everything out and you’d be back- even if that meant you changed your mind about it all- but you never came back, Jackie- never.” And despite how much John wanted to deny it, it still hurt to admit that she had left him without so much as a parting word or an explanation. The damage had been done, she’d hurt him deeply, and an apology now after so long- John didn’t want it. He’d picked himself up, dusted himself off, and moved on without closure from her and it made him angry she couldn’t seem to do the same. But if he was honest, John would admit that he was sick of being angry. 

By this point his steps were slowing and John knew he needed a break. Easing her weight down to the ground, John turned to steady Jackie on her good foot and caught a glimpse of the sincerity in her eyes. She looked sad, remorseful, and all the bit what he imagined she would have looked like had she returned all of those years ago. “But like I said. What’s done is done, and I don’t much see the point in holding it against you any longer. I’m- I’m tired, Jackie. I spent enough time being upset about what happened and I moved on. I just- I figure you should do the same. And if all you need to do that is my forgiveness, well, you have that much.” 

Jackie didn’t have an answer for that. Because she had always intended to go back but the time that passed and the way she left weighed so heavily on her - and although she was willing to take her fair share of the blame, which she admitted was most of it, it couldn’t be only her. But she didn’t want to say that now; it would sound like she was making excuses and that wasn’t her intention. She just wanted to truly apologize, and make sure he understood she hadn’t meant to hurt him. So she let him get it out without trying to intervene, lips pressed together and trying not to cry. Jackie didn’t cry very easily but this was the culmination of a lot of frustration and pain and it wasn’t easy to hide that. 

As he set her down, she nearly reached for him instinctively - the way she would have years before, to steady herself as she tried to balance on one foot. But that wasn’t her right anymore and she clenched her fists at her side, looking anywhere but at John. Although his words did bring a sense of relief, it didn’t seem as . . . freeing as she had expected from the moment. “I’m sorry, John.” This time she couldn’t quite mask a tremor in her voice and pressed her lips together again. After a minute, she took a step to the side; her ankle hurt a lot but she could manage the rest of the way. Probably. “I’ll - you can go.”

“We all make mistakes, Jackie.” Edward reminded her gently. While he didn’t know the details of Jackie’s relationship with her sister, he was better informed of her past relationship with John Dawlish. Their breakup had rocked the office with how sudden and severe things had ended between them, especially considering the lack of clarity as to why exactly things had ended at all. He knew the subject was a sensitive one between the two of them, and as such Edward hadn’t broached it very often. Instead, he and Dom had determined to keep the two on separate assignments for a while in order to let them work out their feelings separately. “You won’t know what’s fixable and what isn’t until you give it an honest attempt. It’s your effort that counts, and I know you, Jackie, I know you’re capable of putting in the effort. I’m not saying that all relationships can be mended, because sometimes they can’t be, but you’ll feel better knowing you gave everything you could to try.”

Jackie nodded, because she knew it was true but she had never liked admitting that she made mistakes. Her life had really seemed charmed when she was younger, and then just fell apart as she grew up. Which just made it harder, because she didn’t have a baseline on how to respond to everything. “I am trying,” she said quietly, frowning at her hands. “It just takes longer than I’d like.” It was one of the reasons why she didn’t want to be reassigned - she could connect better with Glenda if she were here, or that was her hope. John being here was not really a benefit but she could work around that. They had peace now, if nothing else. “I just want it better now. You know how impatient I can get.” Her expression lightened as she looked back up at him; he had given her quite a few lectures on that very trait. “Who’s going to give me such sage advice when you’ve left?”

Dom was relieved that she had accepted his offer. Now that he thought on it it likely was a good idea anyway to see if a fresh set of eyes might be able to pick up something that he hadn’t been able to. Plus, he was truly amazing in the lab and it brought him a lot of pride to see her at work. “I would really appreciate it, actually” he admitted, “You’ve got a talent for it”

She let out a couple of shaky breaths and finally let go, stepping away slightly. Later, she knew she’d be embarrassed about this outburst but it was good to have it all out, she thought. “I - I like that sort of work,” she said. Field work was preferable, of course, and she would hate to leave active duty when she could still do good work that way. But it was probably best that she took something like that for now.

Edward was glad to know that Jackie appreciated his advice and he looked forward to her owls after he left. If there was one part of the job that he loved the most, it was helping his team through whatever struggles they had, whether that be professional or personal. Whoever suggested that people led separate lives between work and home, and that each should be kept separate, was utterly wrong. One person lived one life, and all aspects of that life mattered equally. The sooner that was realized, the easier the balance between it all became. He knew some department heads at the Ministry refrained from talking to their employees about personal matters, but Edward Bones encouraged his team to come to him with anything he could assist with, work related or personal. 

He listened carefully as Jackie opened up about a recent struggle with her sister, expecting that Glenda was at the forefront of her thoughts given her disappearance, but it did surprise him to know that it wasn’t the attack that bothered Jackie most. An estranged sibling relationship was not something he had experienced himself and it took Edward a thoughtful moment to imagine what that must be like, and what that might look like between himself and his own brother. “I don’t suppose there is much more you can do but keep trying.” He said, leaning back in his own chair and scratching at his chin thoughtfully. “Trust is something built over time, and repairing trust takes even longer. If you want to prove you’re dependable, there’s nothing better you can do but to be dependable, consistently.”

Though she had expected as much, Jackie couldn’t help a pang of disappointment. It would be so much easier if Edward had some magical solution to her problem, a way to show Glenda that she had changed and meant to be a better sister that would work immediately. But she could be dependable consistently. Or - “I used to think I was a dependable person,” she said hesitantly, eyes flicking to Edward’s face and then to the wall behind him. “And then . . . I’ve hurt Glenda and I hurt John so badly. They’re both people who are - or were - supposed to be the most important relationships and I just . . . screwed everything up so badly.” Her relationship with John seemed to be doing better, ever so slightly, but it had taken so long to even get to place where they could talk. 

“I don’t want to be that person. I didn’t mean to hurt either of them and I don’t know how to fix it. Or I guess I want to fix it now and it can’t be fixed now.”

What do you expect to do, carry me back to the castle? In all honesty, John knew the comment had been sarcastic as neither of them wanted him to carry her back to the castle, but John determined to take it as a challenge. He couldn’t just leave her out on the grounds alone and injured, and she was too proud to accept any solution he could have offered, so he took her up on her ridiculous idea instead. Ironically, John was also too proud to admit that it had been a horrible mistake as the majority of the hike back to the castle was uphill and he was in no mood to chat. Though he didn’t think it was possible, his mood was even worse as he paused for a moment to bounce her weight higher onto his back.

The close proximity to the woman he had once loved was enough to make him uncomfortable, but as her grip tightened and she began speaking, John considered leaving her behind after all. For a moment he wondered if she really was hurt, or if this had all been some elaborate plan to get him to listen to her harp on the past. Deep down, John knew that Jackie wasn’t so conniving, but he still resented the fact that she had finally cornered him.

Old memories of heartbreak stirred at the mention of their breakup, if it even could be called a breakup, and John did not welcome them. He’d promised Jackie his future and his love only for her to up and disappear without so much as a parting word. He’d waited for her, tried his best to be patient and understanding, but as the days turned to weeks, and then to months, John had given up. He’d grieved the loss, nursed the heartbreak, and he was stronger for it. Only when it had seemed he’d finally put all of those feelings to rest, Jackie had waltzed back into his life and demanded to stir them up again. “I wish you had handled things better too.” He grunted, shifting her weight once more. “But what’s done is done and I don’t see how talking about it anymore is going to change anything.”

Tears burned in her eyes but Jackie forced them away. The last thing she wanted to do was cry, because that would only make all of this worse. She meant it when she said she didn’t expect him to forgive her but she had a suspicion that she needed it in order to move on. She’d tried to move on for all this time and had never been able to and she wasn’t sure if it was simply the fact that she’d never been able to even apologize or if it was that she couldn’t forgive herself. If he couldn’t forgive her, and he had moved on and was happy then how was she supposed to forgive herself?

“I don’t want to talk about it forever. I just - I wanted to apologize, John. And you never so much as let me even try. That’s all.” She took a breath, shifting her grip on him to hopefully make it a little easier for him - despite her frustration over the entire situation, she was grateful that he was doing this and she really didn’t want him to suffer for it. “I was scared,” she said again, voice softer. “I just - I didn’t know what was going on and I panicked. I never meant to hurt you. And I don’t expect it really, not now or ever because I know I was awful and I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I just - do you think you ever could? Someday? I’m just - I’m stuck. I can’t - I can’t move forward and I - it’s not . . .” Her voice trailed off as she tried to figure out how to word her thoughts - and it oddly felt like when they were in school and John was one of her best friends and she had never been afraid of telling him her thoughts and feelings. 

“I know it can’t be all on you,” she finally said. “I can’t put all my . . . growth as a person on you. But I don’t think I can ever forgive myself if I don’t think there’s even a hope that you can.” She’d never wanted to hurt him. She had been scared and panicked and then too proud to go back to him and explain, and she just couldn’t forgive herself for it. 

“If it’s not broken, don’t fix it” Bex quipped, “You’re so blurry. Whoa” she said taking a wobbly step towards her sister, “I’m training with some American hit wizard guy. What in the world are you doing here? I didn’t know the Auror department had you doing field stuff”

Jackie reached for Bex automatically, ready to catch her if she started to topple. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Maybe if you hadn’t been doing cartwheels . . .” She shook her head, but couldn’t quite repress a smile. It was nice to know some things would never change. “They recalled a large number of Aurors to Hogwarts for additional security. Gen and I were among the number. So was John.” Her voice tightened but she kept a neutral expression, not wanting to get into that particular can of worms. “Did you say an American hit wizard? Who is it?”

“How about, for today, you help me in the lab?” Dom offered, understanding all too well the place that she was coming from, “I’ve been working to crack the curse that was placed on those blades. I could really use a fresh pair of eyes”. If he truly had his way she wouldn’t be working at all, but that wasn’t his call. This at least was something that he could justify her doing were Edward or Alastor to ask. 

She had a whole list of reasons prepared, although it wasn’t clear if she could actually get through the list. And that, if nothing else, indicated that Jackie really shouldn’t be working right now. The emotions bubbled too close to the surface and she couldn’t force them down, no matter how hard she tried. But Dom offered a lifeline, and Jackie was more than grateful. She couldn’t bring herself to move away yet, but nodded, letting her tight grip on him ease up ever so slightly. “I could - I could do that. If you need help.”

Being at the school made her feel nostalgic, though she had certainly wished that the visit could be under better pretenses. Alex didn’t particularly mind having to stick around though, hoping that the students appreciated it even if it did feel like an inconvenience to them. And it wasn’t as if she really had any bad memories from her time at the school, so only good memories were brought back. That wasn’t to say she’d had a ton of friends during her Hogwarts days, but rather she just didn’t let anything really bother her back then. She didn’t know if that was the same for all of her fellow aurors though, but figured it would be better not to ask. “I mean, I never really got into trouble when I was at school.” She shrugged. 

Truthfully Alex had always thought about acting out and getting in trouble, but had never actually followed through with it. At least, she hadn’t done anything bad enough to warrant a detention or lose house points. The worst she had done was gotten into arguments with the occasional housemate, but nothing that escalated enough to draw attention. “I’m pretty sure that’s just his face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him not scowling.” Alex laughed, as if they were two gossiping school girls. Though in that moment, they certainly didn’t appear to be any better than such. 

“I was a bit of a troublemaker,” Jackie admitted, chuckling. It had never been anything very bad, but she had caused her fair share of mischief too. “Never enough to get me into real trouble at home though. I was smarter than that.” She had expectations to live up to, and Jackie had never wanted to jeopardize her plans. Her future, career, all of that had always been the most important thing to her, and she never lost sight of where she wanted to be. Even now, she had goals for the future and knew what she wanted from her job, and did her best to get it. “You know, I think you’re right. Maybe his face froze in that expression - my mum always told me that would happen if I started to pout.” 

Jackie chuckled again as she checked in another room and then they came to an intersection. “Left or right, do you think?” The evening had been quiet so far but it wouldn’t do to shirk off just because they hadn’t seen anyone yet. 

Rebecca Lynnette Chittock was well aware that she was a whirlwind of a person. Rules were not made for breaking but for finding loopholes to. Cartwheels in hallways were only dangerous under a particular set of circumstances. A) If the hallway was crowded B) If there was something on the floor to make it slick and C) If there was anyone around to witness it. With none of the boxes ticked off she couldn’t help immediately whirling through the hallways only coming to stand upright when she saw what she thought, though it was definitely blurry after all that spinning, was a familiar face. “That’s right” Bex said with a triumphant smile, “I’m back”

There was only one person Jackie knew who would go cartwheeling down the corridors at Hogwarts. Not that she was sure what her sister was doing here but still, she couldn’t imagine anyone else doing it. “Bex? I can’t - Merlin, you’re never going to change, are you?” Despite the scolding tone, she couldn’t hide her smile as she stepped forward to hug her younger sister. “What are you doing here?”

John resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Not this again.” He muttered. Jackie had been on his case for ages now about wanting to talk things through, but he didn’t see a point in the matter. The last thing John wanted to do was relive the worst heartbreak of his life over and over again every time Jackie wanted to hash things out. He’d worked through his feelings long ago, organized them neatly, and set them aside. It wasn’t his concern if she still hadn’t managed to sort through hers and it certainly wasn’t his responsibility when she was the one who had broken his heart. Standing, John searched the surrounding grounds for signs of movement, desperate for a change in topic or something to distract them but saw nothing. “I don’t see anything, Chittock. Whatever it was- if it was anything at all- it’s gone now.” John figured it was for the best, however, as she was hardly in any condition to go chasing after it and he couldn’t very well leave her in such a state.

At the sound of her curse, John glanced over his shoulder and frowned. “Seriously? Would you just stop already?” He grumbled, walking toward her. They might have separated long ago, but one thing that remained the same was Jackie’s stubbornness. “You’re just going to damage it more.” He could tell by the way she couldn’t put weight on it that the injury was serious. Unfortunately, John only knew a handful of healing spells, enough to get him through in a pinch, and some muggle first-aid courtesy of his fiancee. Neither would do Jackie any good, and John figured the best way to get her injury sorted was to get her to the hospital wing as quickly as possible. “As much as I’d love for that to be true, we both know it’s not. Now, let’s stop wasting time and just get this over with.”

"I’m fine,” she snapped. This whole encounter was humiliating and he wasn’t helping things in the slightest. She just wanted him to leave - if he couldn’t listen to her apology, she didn’t want to be around him. And no matter what he said about moving on and not hating her, she didn’t believe it for a minute. If he really had done all that, he would let her say her piece. “It’s not going - I can figure it out. What do expect to do, carry me back to the castle?” She made the comment sarcastically but there was an expression in his eyes that she didn’t really like. 

In the end, it didn’t matter because he was right, no matter how much she wanted to fight him on it, and she ended up on his back as he walked back to the castle. She didn’t trust him not to drop her but there hadn’t been a better solution and as grumpy as she was, she did realize one thing: she had a captive audience. Unless he just planned on dropping her - which she wouldn’t put past him - then he couldn’t walk away and ignore her. “I have something to say and you’re going to listen this time and if you try to interrupt, I’m just going to keep on so you’d better just be quiet and let me say this.” She took a deep breath, tightening her grip on him before she finally spoke again. “I’m sorry. For the way I ended things. I shouldn’t have done it that way. And I can’t move on and let it go because you won’t let me apologize. I was young and scared and didn’t know what to do and -” Well, she’d never meant to be gone forever but he didn’t need to know that. She might not like him but she didn’t want to interfere with his life now. “I’m sorry, John. I wish I had handled things better. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I’m truly sorry.”

“You can bet your wand on that.” He said good-naturedly. Edward Bones hadn’t complained much in his time at Hogwarts, a leader by example, but he would be lying if he didn’t admit he was homesick. In a way, it seemed unfair that he should leave when others could not, especially the Aurors that had been stationed at Hogwarts since Halloween with him. “Trust me, it only get’s worse, especially if you fall behind.” He said with a sigh. After taking over as Head of the Department his workload had increased at an alarming rate and Edward had devoted countless extra hours just to keep it all under control over the years.

“You’re never a bother, Jackie.” Edward said, waving her into the seat. “And while I appreciate the sentiment, you’ll all manage just fine without me.” He said, giving her a smile. It was nice to know that his Aurors valued him, but Dom had done well in training them, and Edward hoped he had done well in assigning them according to their strengths. He expected that they could manage themselves should they have to, in fact, he expected it. “I’ll only be an owl away, anyway. It’ll be nice to be back at the office for a change.”

“I’ll remember that - about the paperwork.” She laughed a little, but thought guiltily of the stack of her own work that she was already a bit behind on. She could get caught up pretty easily though, she just needed to sit down and do it. Although she did think they could probably handle what they needed to - she knew that they had been trained well, and she had been on her own for some time too. But having Edward around just helped somehow; sometimes she still felt like she was playing at being an Auror, rather than actually being an Auror in her own right. “Well you can expect owls from me.” She said with a grin. “I like getting your advice.” 

Which reminded her . . . “I actually have a question that’s not related to work. It’s about Glenda. Not anything that’s happened though.” Jackie sighed, slouching into the chair a bit. “I wasn’t a very good sister when we were younger, and I’m trying to show her that I’ve changed and I’m not very good about it, I guess. Or maybe she just doesn’t trust me, which is fair. But I thought I’d ask if you have any advice for that. I just don’t really know what to do, other than just keep trying.” That didn’t always seem to be helpful either; Glenda still didn’t want to spend much time with Jackie.

Glenda couldn’t help the sigh that she let out as her sister came into view. Flustered, her eyes faltered from Jackie to the table and back again, biting her bottom lip as she tried to choose how to proceed. Her relationship with her oldest sister was rocky at its best, and Glenda was constantly feeling like anything she chose to do in her life would never compare to Jackie. “Everyone else is,” she finally mumbled, before shaking her head, finally meeting Jackie’s eyes. “They’re all asking the same questions. Even if they don’t ask, they’re wondering. They all want to know what happened. As if never ending questioning would make me suddenly remember anything.”

Jackie didn’t say anything for a moment, taking several more steps towards the table as she tried to think of something that didn’t sound like she was brushing off Glenda’s statement. “I’m sure that’s hard,” she finally said. “Feeling like you’re under scrutiny all the time.” She’d had it a bit after she left John, and everyone tried to judge if she was fit to work but that didn’t really seem equitable to what Glenda was going through. “I’d say I hope they have something new to talk about soon, but I’d just as soon nothing else happens in the course of the school year. Are you feeling all right today?”

“I don’t know, Jackie, I didn’t plant the damn thing.” John retorted, gesturing to the Whomping Willow. In truth, he agreed with her. He didn’t see how it added much security at all. If anything, it seemed to pose more of a threat to students than it did to protect them. At least, from his point of view. Dawlish would readily admit that there were decisions Professor Dumbledore made that hardly seemed to make any real sense, but in the end the man had always been right as far as John knew. He supposed he would trust the old wizard on this one as well. “What did you hear?” He asked, his eyes scanning their surroundings for any supposed threat in the area. Though he might have been angry with Jackie for not being more careful around the Whomping Willow, John wasn’t ignorant enough to doubt her intuition for trouble. She certainly had a knack for finding it.  

“Yes, clearly.” John replied through his teeth. He didn’t want to argue with Jackie but her claim of being able to take care of herself while she sat injured on the ground was absurd. And the part about her safety not mattering to him? Well, he’d just ignore that bit for now. As he was still searching for signs of potential danger, John didn’t notice Jackie pushing herself to her feet right away, otherwise he might have done more to stop her from tumbling back to the ground. “What the- Jackie!” He exclaimed, dropping onto a knee and reaching out as if to help her before thinking better of it and pulling his arms away. “Here.” He said a bit forcefully, pushing her wand into her hands and swallowing his guilt at not just handing it to her in the first place. John stood once again and took a few steps back, putting distance between the two of them. She thought he hated her. Some days John wished that were true. Hating her would be easier, but it was far from the truth. He hated what she had put him through, but John had moved on. He just wished she would do the same. For a moment, he considered ignoring her last comment, but found that he couldn’t let it hang in the air like that. “I like my space, Chittock. But I don’t hate you.” He muttered.

Jackie flinched back, taking her wand more on instinct as he pushed it at her. That was hardly necessary, since he was the one who had refused to give it to her in the first place. “About time,” she muttered, scowling at him. Healing spells had never been her forte but she thought, or hoped, she could do enough so that she could at least walk back to the castle on her own. “Yeah, sure. You don’t hate me. It’s why you’re always so happy to see me and willing to talk.” She shifted a little, absently tapping her wand on the ground before she remembered the earlier topic of conversation. “I couldn’t tell what I heard. It was a sort of rustling, I think. Could have been an animal but it could have been a person.” Despite her frustration with John, she wasn’t stupid enough to ignore a possible threat. It might be nothing but they had to be vigilant and it wouldn’t do to let something like that slide. “Over that way.”

She pointed, waiting until he turned his attention away, and then pushed herself up again. It was successful this time, for a few steps. She hadn’t even tried any healing magic, because surely whatever she’d done to her ankle couldn’t be that bad. She was a grown woman, she could make it to the castle without any help. But will-power proved to be lacking, in this case, and after two short steps, Jackie toppled over again, landing a bit harder this time. “Bloody hell.” She couldn’t even think of a spell to do at the moment, too frazzled with what had happened and the fact that John wouldn’t just leave. “Just go on back to the castle. I’m fine. I don’t need your help anyway.”

Dom didn’t dare pull away until she was ready for him to. That shudder of breath and her leaning into his embrace was the confirmation he needed that he had done the right thing. “I think my biggest fault as a teacher” he began, lowering his voice to the more soothing pitch he used when he trained for Human Resources, “is that I don’t teach you that it’s okay to have human moments. Family will always come before work, okay?”. He remembered what it was like to be in her position. Edward had been hurt on a case and for the first time in a long time Dom had felt absolutely helpless and angry with himself. In the long run it would be more beneficial to her to get the emotions out now then it would be to bottle them up. He’d do his best to not see her go through the same torment he put himself through. 

Jackie had always tried her best to separate her work from her emotions; even after she left John, she had tried not to it show at work. Well, aside from how hard she threw herself into her work, but that didn’t count. So now, even thought it was her sister who was missing, she had tried as hard as she could to prove that she was a level-headed as ever, able to continue her work without any problems. It was hard to do that when Dom was hugging her, however. “But I’m fine,” she mumbled, still trying to cling to her self-control. “It’s - it’s fine, I don’t need - I have to work, I have to find Glenda.”