I love the word “yasashi,” it really resembles its meaning, very gentle and soothing, very kind.
I’ve been feeling lonely for a while now, not in the “hang out” sense, but something more fundamental. I’d like a similar someone I guess, who’d get the things I think. I believe I am to blame for this loneliness in a sense. I never make the effort to be around others or meet people, but I do have my reasons, many of them.
The fact that I’m pre-transition makes it feel like I’m tricking people, because this “me” isn’t really me, it’s not who I am in my world. The fact that any day now, I could get the call from the IRCC, and I don’t want to attach someone to me when I don’t plan on being here long. I’m also perpetually broke, so I can’t join many activities, and people like doing expensive things.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I just dislike people. It’s many things really, deep rooted trust issues, social anxiety, a slight superiority complex. Whatever it may be, it just feels difficult to connect to others.
Even the friends I already have, they always feel so distant, like listening to a conversation from the other room, I feel so alien, which is why I sometimes to refer to myself as a “monster.”
I can participate in conversation, express emotion, engage in activities, but it’s always under a layer of mimicry, a degree of pretend, I’m in Rome, so I do as the Romans.
Truth be told, I’m not really sure what’s under the layers of pretend, I don’t feel like much of anything when I’m not being observed or anticipating observation. I have been masking all my life, for survival reasons at first, but now, I’m unsure if I can remove the mask. It’s become very difficult to separate reality from the lies. I think a part of me enjoys that, believing no one really knows me, the layers of mystique. I do believe I romanticize that to a certain extent.
gamechangershow
tangentwithtanner
stormborns
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
andulkaphoto
