“ B Ves”

She started to write my dead name, then corrected herself. She is TRYING to get the hang of my new name. Though it is very difficult to be patient sometimes, remember that it’s a transition for you AND for those around you.

Wholeheartedly,

I stared in the mirror

for an hour that night.

I gazed into my own two eyes.

In a moment

like a never ending twilight,

I felt my heart collapse

in on itself.

This body

in which

I have walked upon the Earth

is a tomb.

For twenty years,

a billion cells have fought

to keep me alive.

A vessel,

a means of transportation,

a shell in which my breaths

have resonated

and released

time and time again.

I see a soul

stuck in between

who it is,

and who it wants to be.

Awoken from pleasant dreams,

oh few and far between

they may be,

I feel foreign in my own skin.

As if I haven’t known these cells

for decades.

A sensation of surprise,

and the purest disgust,

engulf me, reflection staring back.

Who is this person I see?

Do they know me?

Stranger,

please be kind.

Teach me how to live,

how to stand it

in this warm flesh.

Until I can morph it

to be a home

and not just a place of dwelling.

In the LGBT+ community, the word “phase” has become such a negative term. Some of us may have been told that our sexual orientation, romantic orientation, or gender identity is “just a phase” and we’ll “grow out of it” or, “get over it”. In that context, that idea comes from ignorance, but there is another side to the story. You see, phases DO happen. They are VALID. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, transgender, or any and all other identities is not a choice. However, accepting yourself as that identity IS a choice. You can’t choose how you feel, but you can choose to embrace it or refuse it. It’s all a matter of how honest you want to be with yourself, or how honest you are ready to be with yourself. It’s a process. Every single one of us, both within the LGBT+ community and outside of it, is in constant growth. That’s life. You live, you learn, you grow, you change. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes, certain identities are stepping stones. Before I came out as lesbian, I came out to a select few people as bisexual. I genuinely felt that way at the time. Later on, I realized my attractions had changed, and that is perfectly valid. Identifying as bisexual gave me a way to “dip my toe in the water” so to speak, and begin to accept the possibility of liking the same sex. It doesn’t mean I was confused. It meant I was growing. Years later, when my gender identity began to change, I identified as queer instead of lesbian. I identified as gender non-binary, because I didn’t feel like I “fit” into the female or male categories. Two years after coming out as gender non-binary, I’ve come to accept myself as a trans male. Again, all of those identities are valid and countless people who resonate with them stick with it. Just because you identified as a certain thing for any amount of time, and don’t now, doesn’t invalidate those feelings.

I encourage you to do research. Speak to people with various identities, if possible. Everyone has a story to learn from. You never know what will be eye opening for you.