rosemary

as a kid i was incredibly worried abt what my signature should be. no wonder i turned out like this

i’m so angry at everyone and everything and idk how to stop it. i’m mad at my brother for killing himself. i’m mad at my rapist for turning me into this monster of a person. i’m mad at my therapist for being a horrible therapist. i’m mad at my parents for screwing me up. i’m mad that my friends are graduating and i’m being left behind. i’m mad and i don’t know how to stop being mad

im sick and tired of websites lying to me. you dont remember my cookie preferences. you dont remember me when i log in. performing a little dance every time i want something from you??

its been 4 years since my brother killed himself today. right on the summer solstice. i miss him with every fibre of my being. we were both studying to go into emergency nursing and now its just me. i gave him a pride flag for his birthday and now it hangs in my room. his bereavement card watches over my room. he was one of my favourite people in this world. and he’s dead. and i can’t undo the wishing for my father to have never met their mother. i wanted them dead and for what?? all because i hate their mother. they were innocent. and now he’s gone and i can’t take it back. there’s a void inside of me that will never go away. and when he died part of me did too. and i can’t help but wish it were me who died in that ambulance in 2018 so i wouldn’t have lived through this. i kill my rapist in my dreams a million times over because maybe if that night hadn’t happened i could’ve been a better sister and none of this would’ve happened. i am an open wound and an animal locked in a cage. i don’t understand how i am supposed to live in a world that he doesn’t know. that that life was escapable because i did. i bleed out into an open hand. i miss my brother