mamatschi

Someone told me;

         “If time was a person, I’d beg them

         to slow down for a bit.

         I’d hold their hands, I’d tell them

         beautiful stories

         thousands of possibilities that could’ve happen

         if only they have some mercy”

But isn’t that the essence

of life?

 If time happens to have

even just a little bit

of mercy,

 maybe then you would realize;

life has lost its meaning

Sometimes my heart feels in doubt too. The thought of life itself confuses me, sometimes. Some said we are spirits living a life of human beings. Are we really lost spirits in an endless journey?

Through every single word that you put, countless time you stress that you can’t find the meaning in life. The purpose of life itself. It touches a dark realm in my heart; a part that always questions the meaning behind this tiring, endless journey of life. 

Life. A journey where time won’t even stop for a bit when your feet are sore, when you are physically and mentally tired; when you’re bleeding and feel like there’s no hope; time won’t stop even for a bit. 

The infinity scares me. 

While you seem to have no fear for the ending line of this journey, I fear everything. I fear what I might find later throughout this life, and I fear what I might encounter by the time I reached the end line. I fear both the battlefield and the ending line.

All this time I was living in a fantasy world I build on my own. To shield me from the harsh reality of this life. Until one day someone tapped my shoulder and through words shook me: I think I’m going nowhere. I’m walking in circles, I still haven’t find my purpose. I am walking along with the cruel time but I realized I haven’t find out where I’m going, yet. 

I don’t want to remember you the way you picture your life through your works.

I want to remember you as a friend who talked to me during my darkest time. Someone who tells me to keep on living even when I have to walk through fire. A friend who makes me come to a realization; I will never know where I’m going unless I keep on walking.

I want to remember you as a friend. 

And maybe, I want to let you know that you were never alone in this journey. We all wander and as confused as you, too. You were never alone.

Somewhere in this scary, infinite universe, I want to believe you finally find the happiness you’ve been longing every second of your life.

“Everything passes. 

That is the one and only thing I have thought resembled a truth in the society of human beings where I have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell.

Everything passes.” -Dazai, “No Longer Human”

I hope you know you left behind something beautiful. Something that I will treasure my whole life. Something that I will always remember whenever I feel like I’m walking all alone and have nowhere to go.

I know I’m never alone.

I want to quote from one of my favorite poet, Rabindranath Tagore; a line that now will forever reminds me of you:

…Even so, in death the same unknown will appear as ever known to me. And because I love this life, I know I shall love death as well. 

You left behind a beautiful flower road for me to walk along. And I hope you know you meant something to many hearts that have the chance to encounter with you through your works.

And because of that, I want to remember you as a friend.

Somewhere in this scary, infinite universe, I want to believe you finally find the happiness you’ve been longing every second of your life.