#apinpersonal

merciless

To Love Both Life and Death: A Letter to Dazai Osamu

If one day I came back in a new body, in another lifetime, I will look for you again. Repeat the history, again. Get hurt, fall down, and be crazy in love again. Be ready to lose you again. If one day I came back in a new body, in another lifetime, I'd repeat history with you, and find a way to keep you, a little longer than before.

There you are in the middle of the jetblack sky as we standing on the mountain top; There you are hugging back the universe as we hold hands on the mountain top

Sometimes I feel awfully tired. Sometimes I want to drop myself from extreme heights Sometimes I want everyone to notice, I'm not that strong Sometimes I imagine my own funeral where people probably faking cry and told people how close they were with me Sometimes I wonder what will  the world be when I'm gone Sometimes now turns to every millisecond of my life. Because every second I wasted living I imagined bad things that would've happen to me. (come in if you dare, come walk straight to the darkest hole you'll find me on my knees praying to God to take away my pain come in, even if it's only for me to see you walk away because the moment you find me i am your worst nightmare)

All I could do was nod my head slowly, and holding back my tears from falling, when you started to point out reasons why you stabbed my back. I couldn't even look into your eyes, as I close my eyes, all I hear was that I was never enough and it's my fault that you're out of love so you have to run to someone who could give you more. All I hear was that I will never be enough for anyone.

i recall the time when we sit together on a calm afternoon,  near the shore we close our eyes to the sound of the glorious wave sometimes i'd open my eyes just to see if you're still there and when you started to fall asleep i whisper things that i love about you today i recall the time when i thought you were meant to be mine the time when we were so naive today i hope you are happy with whoever you decided to be with i hope she loves you as much as i do and would enjoy the silence between you both just like we used to embrace the silence that we're in before

It was the cold side of the bed with your scents, that keeps me awake every night since you’ve been gone. I still remember the way you ask me “How was your day, Love?” and then I’d tell you everything that happened that day. I love the way you remind me every night that you will never leave because you need me and you know we actually need each other. We fit each other like puzzles, aren’t we? And since you’ve been gone I actually don’t know how to move forward with life without my soulmate. My best friend. The one who makes me feel like I can do anything and not afraid of anything. Only with you I am strong enough to face every tomorrows. Tell me, my Dear, hows heaven? I don’t know if death people listen to prayers, or will they remember their loved ones, I don’t know. I don’t even know when we will meet again. No one knows. But, my Dear, I will stay strong for you. I’ll live the life that you never get to feel, a happy life until the age of 80, until my hairs gone gray and my skin wrinkled. Of course I don’t know how I will survive this life without you, for I have dreamed a life until we’re 80 and love each other til death. I don’t know. But I will try. I hope you hear my prayers and my stories every night. This long distance relationship is hard but I want to prove you that I’m strong. I’ll just put this letter on your grave, I hope you read this and if this letter gets to you, know this: I love you. Wait for me.