Anti‘s Blog

Honestly, the Conzept of trust is pretty easy to understand, yet so many people don’t get it. Let me tell you about it.

Trust is a mutual thing. Why trusting someone that doesn’t trust you?

So, for someone that can’t fully trust someone, the question remains. Why should people fully trust me? Don’t get me wrong, I guess you can trust me, but that doesn’t mean I do. Even when I do, I don’t. Can’t help it.

Over sharing plays a big role here. When I talk to people I don’t really know and I tell them some random personal stuff, that’s a bit out off place, they usually give back the same random shit. That automatically creates a safe place for more unusual topics that doesn’t belong in conversation like this.

Frankly, for me it’s actually nothing special when I over share, that’s just the way I communicate. Actually there are a lot of people that over share, but there are also a lot that don’t. But have you ever heard someone say to you “it’s so easy to talk to you” ? This is what I’m talking about.

This got me into a lot of interesting conversations. People telling me some random ass secrets about themselves and my inner monologue is “yo what the fuck, why are you telling me this? :)”. But I actually like conversations like this, at least it doesn’t gets boring.

i know right? it’s almost like it impacts every part of my life

„it’s all in your head“

when you brought your A game to the argument and now they are over there crying

A) interrupt them

B) trip over your words

C) zone out

D) get really excited about the topic and freak them out

Displaying and explaining my emotions as a sociopath. It is pretty common for people with ASPD to have delayed/blunted emotions and a lack of empathy. But there are exceptions.

Lack of empathy, two differences:

-Finding it very difficult to understand affective empathy

-Relating more to the logical based cognitive empathy

I have the normal range of all emotions, but they are muffled, so basically I don’t experience them. There are only a few, which are often shown:

-I relatively easy get irritated, mostly by people

-I also get overwhelmed, mostly by situations

-apathy, I think is my state of content

-sometimes kinda manic for a few moments

- very low frustration tolerance

-irritable

-anger results in unhinged rage, may or may not be predictable

-boredom is the most persistent

boredom is the most intense and rarely bearable. Most of my stupid decisions resulted from boredom. It triggers my impulsive behavior, what is usually pretty much under control.

My additional anger management issues (IED) wouldn’t make it more easy, but for my IED I went to therapy. Three years of training your rage und impulse control.

The experience of love is for everyone different. So I can’t speak for everyone, but i guess a few would agree with me.

Personality, I am not able to love someone, like they would be able to love me. As long as I assume that the person doesn’t has the same diagnosis as me.

Like I stated in another post, there is obsession, wich is normally short lived. And like I said, I can’t love, but I am also not capable of receiving love from someone else. Simply because I don’t have the basic sense of trust. No matter how much I wanna trust somebody and them really deserving it, not possible. Deep down there is always the fear of getting betrayed.

But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t show my perception of love and trust.

People I like get all the respect and affection I am capable of

Being diagnosed with ASPD and being a sociopath usually means having a different understanding of “love”, than someone without that diagnosis. Of course I can’t speak for everyone, every individual is different.

My personal experience with love, was to admit to myself, that I’m not capable of falling in love. It’s obsession. I go from 0 to 100 and from 100 to 0 in one second and I guess, that’s not the expression of love.

I don’t know what someone needs to meet my criteria. The people I was obsessed with, doesn’t really have anything in common. But what I do know, is that I have to interact with a person, before getting obsessed. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty rare for me, to be obsessed with someone.

I also cannot intentionally pick a person. It just happens in one second and then I know. I have no idea how that works. The moment I settle “my target”, I instinctively make it my mission to be present in their life.

From one second to the other, all my attention is projected on that person. Even if that person doesn’t like me yet, they always will. Suddenly I become the most patient and attentive version of myself. I observe everything, even the tiniest detail. This is we’re my stalking abilities are shining. Sometimes I find that creepy, like chill.

I carefully force myself on them. I am annoying, until I don’t have to anymore. For me that always works. I am basically conditioning the other person, to get used to me. For example, if you meet your obsession on your workplace it’s much easier to get in contact with, that in your free time.

And yes, conditioning is kind of a manipulation, I know. But it’s not my fault, all this morbid focus on one person, feels like an instinct.

Somehow being in personal contact with that obsession, because your most likely to get what you want. Mission completed, enjoying the time that is leftover.

I know the subject obsession has different outcomes, depending on what your intentions were. Physically being attacked to them, being attracted to their personality or just someone you find interesting enough to temporarily cure the boredom.

But one thing have all tree in common, it’s temporary. After obtaining what you wanted, it’s just a meter of time, the crippling feeling of boredom waiting around the corner.

And as conflicting it may seem, it is actually pretty sad. Regardless of what one would’ve done, just to be the one in control. The other person probably didn’t even do something wrong.

Well, I mean a reason, is not an apology

“Damned if you do, bored if you don’t.”

I think constantly feeling bored, is one of the worst parts of antisocial personality disorder. Boredom is sort of ever present. We might forget about it for a short time, but it’s always there. Boredom is an intense beast for us. Somehow you can’t run from it.

It's a feeling that pressures you to do anything and on the other side it makes you feel lazy.

You just sit there, maybe watching TV and often no matter what film it is, you'll get the feeling of wasting your time, of needing to do something else. It's almost like craving for action. This feeling builds up the longer you do nothing about it, it gets irritating and then you have to make the decision what to do. This sort of time period is when I am at the greatest risk to do something impulsive, and overall bad for me.

I know for myself, that I need constant stimulation. The problem is, I expect and always need more. I want different stimulations. I describe it this way. New things, new information, they are the new toy in the toy box. It's the best thing ever, for a little while. Then it tarnishes and looses its luster. I still have it, but now I want a new toy. It's a continual cycle.

Also because of chronic boredom, I find it very difficult to have routines. I really would like to have some sort of routine,but I just can’t help it. Most of the time I can keep up with a routine for a few days, at some point though, it starts to overwhelm me. When I am forcing myself to keep going, I can’t concentrate.

Even when I’m with my friends, I sometimes get the feeling they are not entertaining me and instantly get bored. I find that frustrating, I value and respect my friends and I don’t want to feel the sudden urge to go home and spend my time otherwise. I know it’s not they’re responsibility to keep me entertained, and yet somehow I always get annoyed, they could tell me a story or something like that. I get really irritated in such situations, because it’s also me who could tell a story, but suddenly nothing comes to my mind. That’s weird, because I’m actually prone to not shutting up.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have some things that I genuinely enjoy. 9/10 times these scenarios are really fun. When I think about it, it’s actually good that I keep them special. Otherwise they’ve become boring after some time.