Mai Point is-

I think this is a basic theory that most people have heard of. It harkens back to where we are as humans, so it is widely applied in our lives, beyond therapy but also in marketing, business... anything that appeals to wants rather than needs.  Yeah, Maslow’s hierarchy.

Most people know that actualisation is when you are truly living your life, making an impact -- but what does that say for the rest of us who are hanging by the skin of our teeth? For example, as I examine my needs along this paradigm, I’m stuck at level 2. Is it then such a wonder that I cannot even begin to feel safe in my relationships with others? Is it even a question to why imposter syndrome has a prevalent occurrence in my thoughts? 

So what do I mean by level 2? Well, it says “safety” through security, health and finances. I am currently earning an unsustainable salary, in which I am looking forward to improving once I complete probation and will be eligible for commissions. But as of now, that financial security is clearly absent. I am not healthy, as in I am a little overweight, and my eczema can flare-up at the drop of a hat. So no, I do not feel like my body is in control. Lastly, security in my home - well that is one of the better ones. Living in HK, the crime rates are low, yet there is a constant threat of CCP’s tightening reins on what our city pride ourselves in -- freedom of speech. I can ignore it, but news is absorbed unconsciously, and with the internet, it’s hard to avoid it even if you mean to, so imagine not even aggressively avoiding it... 

I’ve deleted my WEBTOON app because I keep spending too much on it and really, I think I could use my time a little better. Since I’m starting my counselling masters soon, I want to get to know some basics and explore the course choices. So I’m going to try and commit to reading up briefly about the therapy techniques, theories and models I find interesting down the course list as I commute to work. Follow the hashtag #maimentyb if you’re interested ;)

Today, I encountered Solution-Focused Brief Therapy. Just as it reads, it’s a short-term, future oriented approach to talk therapy. It can encompass elements such as worksheets and motivational interviews, emphasising on accessing innate solutions a person has.

Applications include mood disorders, family dynamics, addictions, trauma… it’s a pretty wide range actually! This discovery is quite encouraging because it defies the stigmatised view that therapy has to drag on for months, accumulating in huge financial and emotional tolls for everyone involved. I feel out of everything, the fact that there isn’t a set time when therapy is supposed to “start working” is was deters a lot of people. Meanwhile, the format of SFT can be condensed to 1 session or take from 6-8 weeks of 1 hour weekly sessions. I feel this tangibility can be very attractive, especially working with families.

Articles:

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/solution-focused-therapy/

https://www.simplypsychology.org/solution-focused-therapy.html

⚠️Trigger warning: eating disorder language. I do not have diagnosis but I do have these behaviours occasionally and I’m just trying to record it. If you are in recovery / can be triggered by ED, please refrain from reading.

I was trying to keep it together on Friday when everything blew up in my face because I had a date. He was a great distraction. But then dust settles, morning comes, and work continues. I found my face physically swelling up and developing hives throughout the day. I stress ate so much I don’t think I’ll need to even eat again today. I literally had a burger, a pizza, half a block of cheese, a can of soda and donburi in the span of about 14 hours. I haven’t binged like that since university. I feel absolutely 🤮 disgusting.

I bailed on the therapist Sunday morning due to how bad the hives were and had to pay for it anyway because it was an online session with a 48h cancellation policy. And then I binged a little more, eating an entire tub of tiramisu. I even glanced at the liquor cabinet for a minute there but I am applauding myself for the small win. I didn’t drink. Instead, I just finished about 8 litres of water yesterday because I wanted to not eat anymore. But around 10pm I ordered fried chicken and Korean pancakes. Scoffed all of that down and felt worse than ever.

I’m struggling so bad and I really want to reach out to someone but I really can’t afford to right now. I also can’t move back in with my parents because I have responsibility with my pets. My ferrets don’t get along with their cats. I know I can get through this without self harming behaviours. I just need to focus on what I can do instead of what happened. You can do this!

Yet, I can sort of feel the disengagement settling in. The depersonalisation and tonic immobility is deep rooted in my trauma response. I was bullied for a while in school and it really informed how I related to any type of stress onwards. I never had directions on really solving this mental block. I can feel myself giving a pep talk about this rationally not the end of the world type of work situation. My body is responding very dramatically in contrast to what my head is processing. Are there any tips from people who experiences these things? How your eyes cannot seem to focus, and your throat is hot with a lump so you feel difficulty making sounds….? I feel like I’m unreasonably hot as well - crank the AC to morgue cold.

Today my ADHD feels like this.

It’s been a long weekend, and I’m so glad to have a break. Except I basically botched the entire experience by doing nothing but binging shows, food and… wasting away. I had a few thoughts:

Gee, that project at work wiped me out didn’t it? Is this burnout?

Fuck! I’m spiralling again, should I call my therapist but… what do I say?

Am I just feeling a little lonely because it’s been a while since I’ve had sex? Lemme call me fwb.

Literally two days later, I remember I have medication for this type of thing. I was finding it so difficult to prioritise, it for sure felt super overwhelming. In the end, I feel guilty for not doing anything and THEN begins the spiral.

I took the medication an hour ago and now the glitching is finally calming down. I picked up my mop and cleaned the house thoroughly. I’m on a bus to a massage to really sort my back out after a few days of being a potato sack. I called someone out for a movie and dinner. I will start work again tomorrow.

It’s absolutely infuriating how my condition can make me feel like I am losing time. I get home from work and… it’s 2am?!

I want to do better for myself and it seems so daunting. One week it feels like it’s going great and the next feels like I’m crashing and burning.

I know it’s about the journey but I guess it’s been weighing on my mind for a while. I got completely wasted on the boat this Sunday but what I didn’t anticipate is my reaction. I had another freak out in front of my friends and they are so concerned. Except… I don’t have recollection to what I said, therefore much less how I felt. I’d like to talk about it but given so many redacted memories, I feel blocked out by my brain.

I’m not getting enough sleep and I want to fix that part. If any other thing in my routine cannot be maintained, I hope sleep can be the one constant I fully control.

I’ve always despised waiting. Waiting for a job. Waiting for documents to process. Right now, waiting for my confirmation for my last day in my job because it’s been well over a week I handed in the resignation.

I’m feeling quite anxious because I feel like I’m underperforming my potential and it’s low-key making me forget how to breathe.

Recently, been attending some fitness classes and trying them out, trying to forget just how awkward I feel... voila, it worked. Not awkward, laughed a lot, actually enjoyed working out and look forward to those days. 😌is this what growing out of something feels like?

Yes we kept our masks on the entire time.

Yes we were in a public space where people tried to have date night with a background of groaning, sweaty people.