coffee

and it is a very loving and flaily post and i support it! i don't want to rain on anyone's parade!

but that is not how i read that scene.

to me, it was there to be contrasted with the urine sample scene. in that scene, frank was in full defensive mode. he was absolutely not going to show weakness in any way. he was in the same swaggering mode we saw him in when he and whitaker had their weird moment over who was going to write louis's prescription. he was showing control and displaying strength the way he did later when he told robby he needs help.

this is frank hiding his vulnerability, keeping up a front of strength, protecting himself. he has had to do that with colleagues all day and has done it in various ways (joking about his addiction, choosing his moments to make amends, etc.), but maybe never more than in that moment with the urine sample guy precisely because he's aware of how little power he has in that moment. he just had to run to do this degrading thing in order to prove himself. he probably had to apologize for not being on time. he knows he's going to have to do this over and over, again and again, and maybe he'll get used to it, but it's always going to be degrading, it's always going to be a reminder of how he failed and how everyone judges him for that and no one trusts him.

so he was holding himself in check. there was no way in hell he'd let it show that it was getting to him.

and then he finds mel. alone. at a distance from everyone else. and he can finally be vulnerable. he can let his guard down. he can let someone else see that he doesn't have it all together, that he's got messy emotions, that he was scared.

that is so incredibly intimate to me. for her to be the person who he doesn't have to keep up a facade in front of. for her to be the person who he can show his soft underbelly to. for her to be the person he doesn't have to have an act for. for her to be the person he can be his full, messy self around.

because he trusts her. he knows (already!!!! after two days!!!) that she's going to accept him in a way that no one else does. and he also always wants to make her feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of him, which we've seen since the season 1 break room scene. he lets her know that it's okay for her to be vulnerable by showing her his vulnerabilities.

and she really needs that after having shown her ugliest side to him that day. you just know that she never allows people to see those darkest aspects of her that she revealed today. she is such a genuinely upbeat person and also has been in survival/caretaking mode for so many years that she doesn't feel able to show any of that.

but this was one of her worst days, and she was already on edge, and then the painful revelations about becca (that her person lied to her, that maybe they aren't as close as mel thought they were, that becca has a life of a kind that mel doesn't precisely because mel has sacrificed so much to allow becca to have that), she cracked open and showed the shadows she stuffs down so deep.

and that's a harrowing thing. it's scary! and frank absolutely has to know that. so he gave her a kind of steadiness that she needed (their last interaction in the ambulance bay where he asked very matter-of-fact questions) and now he's showing her his own vulnerabilities to remind her that it's okay for her to have her own and that he's not judging her or thinking that she's less strong.

3:11pm: i have to kill myself

3:15pm: i didn’t mean that i’m sorry for saying that

3:20pm: i have to kill myself

In the past 6 years, he:

Has worked on the frontlines in the ED throughout the pandemic, and has had multiple PTSD flashbacks that we’ve seen from the trauma that that alone has caused him. 

Had to make the call on turning off the life support of his mentor/father figure (canon btw, not conjecture)

Then had to be the one to physically turn off the machines that were keeping said mentor/father figure breathing. 

Then had to watch the aforementioned mentor/father figure die in front of him as a direct result of the decision he was forced to make 

Then, instead of taking time to grieve this massive personal loss, he instead had to step into the shoes of that very same mentor/father figure, in the middle of a pandemic, and take on an incredibly stressful job and huge amount of responsibility at the drop of a hat in incredibly traumatic circumstances (a position that he’s repeatedly told by the people in charge he is doing a poor job at in comparison to his predecessor, who he greatly admired, saw as a father figure, and watched die because he had to make the decision to take him off the ventilator, not because he was gone already, but because they needed the equipment). 

"I asked chatgpt"

I found my mini rant in my google doc about how making mousefur a lesbian would’ve fixed spottedleafs character.

I really do think it is a great piece of writing that stands out in comparison to the majority of warrior cats. more than anything fireheart is scared, really scared. he’s facing losing one of his mother figures and the main source of stability, wisdom and authority he has now that bluestar is so unwell. in the back of his mind he knows if she dies, cinderpelt will suddenly have to carry the burden of the entire clan’s care (including bluestar) all by herself and he is scared for her, as well as scared of telling her. he’s scared because he is only in this moment realising that she really, truly believes she is bad inside.

ICE agents are cruising areas with immigrant-owned businesses, and kidnapping patrons and employees alike. Yesterday they abducted two US citizen employees at a suburban Target, one who was begging them to allow him to go get his passport to show them.

ICE is going door to door in immigrant-heavy neighborhoods, asking residents where their immigrant neighbors live. Read that again. If it sounds like something out of your high school history textbook, that’s because it is.

ICE is targeting schools and school buses. They pepper sprayed teenagers and abducted two school staff members at the high school up the street from me on Wednesday. Police are literally escorting school buses to ensure children can get to school and home safely. The Minneapolis Public Schools have moved to virtual learning for the next 4 weeks because it’s unsafe for children or teachers to physically come to school.

They are targeting hospitals and clinics. Patients are scared and are cancelling their appointments or just not showing up. Kids are missing their checkups and vaccines, folks aren’t getting their cancer care, etc.

They are smashing windows in cars and homes.

ICE is increasingly picking up Native Americans—again, targeting folks based on skin color alone.

They are arresting and beating legal observers. A friend of a friend had her arm broken yesterday. Folks are showing up at local hospitals, brought in in ICE custody, with severe injuries that are absolutely inconsistent with mechanism of injury reported by ICE. (Think: patient appears to have been beaten unconscious, while ICE agent says he slipped and fell.) I can’t emphasize enough that these ICE agents do not have warrants. There are 2,000+ agents here and they are simply hunting for anyone that’s not white. It doesn’t matter if you’re a citizen or a green card holder, they will kidnap you first and ask questions later. But the community is fighting back.

Protests are happening every day.

Community groups have been leading know-your-rights sessions for months, often to packed venues.

Whistles are being distributed by the thousands, carried on keychains and worn on coat zippers, always at the ready to be blown in warning if ICE is spotted.

Drivers are following ICE vehicles, blaring their horns in warning.

Businesses are locking their doors even while open to keep employees and customers safe. As I type this, I’m standing guard at the locked door of our neighborhood burrito joint while I wait for my takeout order, so the employees can focus on their jobs. The place is packed with neighbors supporting this small business.

Anti-ICE signs are posted everywhere. The community is making it crystal clear that ICE is not welcome here.

Parents and neighbors are standing guard outside schools, organizing carpools, and escorting kids to and from school on foot.

Parents of kids in Spanish-immersion daycare (there are a LOT of these daycares here!) are keeping their kids home so the teachers don’t have to take the risk of coming to work.

Churches and community groups are holding fundraisers to buy and deliver groceries to families who don’t feel safe leaving home.