i'm currently processing the papers of a prominent queer activist and writer (if you're into queer history/studies/activism, you would almost certainly know the name if i told you, but i am not ready to dox myself on tumblr dot com)
and one thing i'm very struck by is to what lengths this person went to ensure that they had a legal tie to their wife. this person had a ton of traumatic experiences with the legal system around gender, incarceration because of protests, etc. they hated state power and had suffered mightily from it in ways i can't wrap my mind around, but they also knew that the state is a power they lived under.
so as soon as it became legal to get civil unions formalized by the state, they and their partner did that in two different states. then as soon as same-sex marriage was legalized in the u.s., they got married in two different states too.
this was not because they believed in respectability politics. they were revolutionary in just about every way conceivable. but they had watched many, many loved ones die through the aids epidemic, beloved partners and friends kept apart because of a lack of legal relationship, the bodies of the dead given to their estranged families instead of the people who had loved and cared for them.
my activist and their wife were not going to let that happen to them. they took advantage of a legal mechanism that would protect their right to make decisions for each other. to physically be together in life and death. they did not view this as a moral compromise, but as a survival tactic. a necessity for the world in which they lived in the moment, regardless of how hard they worked to create a better world where such things wouldn't be necessary.
ideologically, i am a person who wishes that our human relationships were not dictated by the state. i'll work towards that end. but i also know that we live under the power of the state now, and we have to take advantage of that to protect ourselves. we have to vote, we have to get legal documents affirming things that we don't really need affirmed by anyone else, we have to fight for and against laws that politicize our identities.
i'm wishing everyone happy pride and i hope you have lots of music, color, friendship, and joy during this month. but i hope you also remember that queerness is a political identity as much as it is a social/sexual/gender one and that one of the ways we take care of each other is by working within the systems as they currently exist even as we try to dismantle them. to mitigate harm and promote care and freedom, we have to do both. some people's work will skew more in one direction than the other, and that's fine.
but if you can legally vote, vote. in every election, especially the local ones, because many of the most consequential laws are at the local and state (or whatever your equivalent is in your country) levels. there are times when your vote won't "matter" (though that is almost never the case on the local level, just the national one) but there are more times when it will, and many people suffered and fought and literally died to buy you the write to vote if you have it. our enemies wouldn't be working so hard to take our votes away if they didn't matter at all. and voting can be a sacred act, a kind of ritual tying you to the people in the past who wouldn't be able to vote because they had something in common with you (gender, race, class, whatever).
if you are able to legally tie yourself to someone you have chosen to love, do that. it will protect you later. it doesn't have to be your monogamous romantic partner, just someone you trust! it will get you into hospital rooms if someone you love ends up in one. it will let you make legal and medical decisions for them if need be. and it will keep them safe from biological family who may not have their best interests at heart. if you're in the u.s., it could get you or your loved one health care. if you or your loved one have citizenship in another country, it could let you escape your current state if you ever need to do that (i'm jewish, so this is always a consideration).
get involved in some kind of local political action. it could be a mutual aid society or a food bank. it could be a political campaign for someone you think would serve the community well. it could be signing petitions, participating in court watch, compiling data, showing up at zoning or school board meetings. this will help you meet like-minded people. it will keep your priorities straight. it will give you hope when the world seems hopeless. it will save you.
i am fortunate that i get to work with the material legacies of extraordinary people, including many, many activists. i have been able to learn from their work and their lives. many of them are women who have spent thirty, fifty, seventy years fighting to make the world better. all of them had stinging defeats. all of them had incredible, unexpected triumphs. there was forward motion and backwards motion. but they kept working.
maybe pick a specific person who worked towards a cause you cared about. bonus points if they are/were in your geographic community! dig into your local archives to find them--i promise you, no matter where you live, they existed, and if there's evidence of that (there isn't always--many communities are under-served or not served at all by archives because of racism, classism, misogyny, etc.), familiarize yourself with it. it will inspire you! looking at a picture of black and white feminists organizing in rural arkansas in the 80s to help lift poor women out of poverty or watching video of act up! activists using performance art to push back against the culture of death that abandoned aids victims or reading the testimonies of women who were imprisoned in their attempt to vote or reading diaries of those who worked to end colonialism...these things will make you strong and resolute and defiant and grateful and joyful!
even better than all of this: meet some elders who can share their first-hand accounts with you. build real relationships with them! the people who have worked the hardest have the most incredible stories to tell and they would LOVE to tell them! it would provide them with comfort and validation to share them with you! you can be a source of hope to them that the next generation (or the one after that or the one after that!) is still working for the things they worked for!
and then when you feel discouraged, when nothing else is keeping you working towards change, think about these people in general and the person you picked in particular. and then you tell yourself: "[person i admire] spent decades refusing to surrender to the powers of hierarchy, violence, cynicism, and greed. who would i be if i didn't do the same? could i look them in the eye? if people who remember jim crow or violent communist regimes or the aids crisis or violent colonial rule or whatever horrible time could keep fighting, what right do i have to give up?"
of course you're going to need to take breaks. balancing this kind organizing work with play--hobbies, creating art, hanging out with your friends, communal meals, time in nature, naps, squeeing over your blorbo with other fans, shitposting on tumblr, doing absolutely nothing!--is vital, and as you get older you'll get better at calibrating the balance. you'll probably get burnt out a few times before you figure out what balance is right for you. make sure you get enough rest! fuel your body with the best food you can! fuel your soul with art and writing and memories from others!
dream big. dream HUGE. but also remember the world you live in and take concrete steps to protect yourselves and your loved ones. don't beat yourself up for living in a system you did not ask to live in. don't feel guilty for making concessions sometimes. be practical and be idealistic. find people, especially especially older people, who have the kind of life you want to live and learn from them. mentorship--both mentoring and being mentored--is one of the great joys in life and nothing can provide you with more hope and perspective than having meaningful relationships with people in different generations: those older than you who can share hard-won wisdom and perspective, those younger than you who have passion and fresh eyes.
i am feeling very tender towards younger vulnerable people these days. especially queer people during this month of pride and this time of backlash against the gains we have made. take care of each other! don't throw each other under the bus! don't assume that you can win your own safety by sacrificing the safety of others, because that never, ever, ever works and also it will curdle your soul.
we can take care of each other. in fact, it's the only thing in the world that actually matters.
