i started doing this in the comments but this is easier:
ooof, yeah, the socioeconomics of it all is EVERYTHING here. most of my friends who have kids are firmly middle class (or upper middle class) and the way their schools work is no doubt very different from ones with less resources. it just feels like they're always doing these activities that my friends have to plan for and execute that i assume also makes more work for the teachers.
and a lot of my concern about this is about elementary/middle school, and i know you teach high school, which is a very different thing, so it's possible the differences between when i was in high school (i graduated in 2005) and the current day are not nearly as drastic.
but the difference between when i was in elementary and middle school (in the 90s) is HUGE to me. for context: i attended public schools that were physically located in "nicer" neighborhoods, but were very mixed economically since my southern city still did "busing" then. so there were kids who were rich, kids who were truly poverty-stricken, kids of every race in my classes. i'd say the demographics were about 60% white, 35% black, 5% latino/middle eastern. we had VERY few ESL students in those days--95% spoke english fluently enough to follow everything even if their families spoke another language at home (which, again, was only in that 5% demographic--the black and white kids were all from families who had spent generations in the u.s.).
i think that the kinds of efforts that created these mixed-race and mixed-income schools have eroded in a lot of places since the 90s. it does seem like the socioeconomic sorting is more intense than it was then.
my parents were barely involved in my schooling other than when i needed them to buy a tri-fold for a science fair or valentines cards for the class party. i don't even remember them buying treats for holiday parties--those were provided by the school, as far as i know. my parents went to the student/teacher night at the beginning of the year, they went to the musical performance we did once a year, they might be a chaperone on a field trip perhaps once a year, and that was IT. whereas my friends now are always having to find costumes for the kids for spirit days (in elementary school!), go to graduation events for every grade, go to thanksgiving potlucks, buy or bake the cookies or whatever for the holiday parties, etc. it just seems like they're always at their kids' schools in ways my parents never were. school was my domain and my parents were only involved in it if something major happened, which was rare. the bus stopped at my house in the morning from the time i was five years old, i got on, and then i had an entire life that my parents knew little about other than when they asked, "what did you do at school today?" or saw my report card when i got it.
there were opt-in things like selling things to fundraise (wrapping paper, these coupon books, etc.) but my family never did them and a ton of other families didn't either. they didn't feel like obligations (or maybe my parents just had a lot less guilt around that sort of thing? maybe they felt like obligations to other parents?), whereas my friends now absolutely feel like they have to do things like that. this might just be a social shift of helicopter parenting or it might be more pressure from the school administration? we had very little in-school administration then--i only really remember the principal and the school secretary (who pulled kids' teeth while singing a song about going fishing, then gave us tiny plastic treasure chests to put our teeth in!).
i am certain that a part of this difference is the shrinking budgets of schools--things that were once paid for by the school district itself are now paid for by the families, so if the families don't have the money (as at lower-income schools) they don't happen, whereas at richer schools, there's a surplus of these things. and i know that things i took for granted in public schools in the 90s are nonexistent now (music class, art class, "computer lab" [where we plaid oregon trail and number munchers with those big clunky graphics that only had three different colors in elementary school and then did mavis beacon 2.0 typing and where in the world is carmen sandiego? in middle school], the "clay lady" who came around twice a year, a dedicated school librarian and a well-stocked library) in many schools.
but it's not just extracurriculars--my friends spend WAY more time helping their kids with homework than my parents ever did. my parents NEVER helped me with homework unless i explicitly asked, which was VERY rare--it was understood that i would do it myself (and i don’t remember it taking up all that much of my time but that could have just been because school was easy for me and i read very fast. but i genuinely think there was less homework? i just remember thinks like paragraph-long weekly book reports, social studies reports on historical figures, once-a-year science fair projects, spelling tests to study for, maybe some math practice sheets). now a few of my friends have kids who have higher needs where they truly need more help like my cousin with intense adhd needed in the 90s, but the ones who have kids who are as conventionally "capable" as i was are STILL doing a shit ton more helping than my parents ever did. has homework become more complex/time-consuming? (again, you probably don't know this on the level of lower grades, it's just something i'm thinking about.)
then there's the kind of monitoring that (maybe just middle class and higher?) parents do of their kids--all these websites they log into to see their kids' grades (my parents NEVER saw my grades until my report card came out or if i bombed a specific thing and had to take it home to show it to them and get it signed; i'm sure for kids who were struggling there was much more communication from the teachers, but that was something that was only done as-needed, not something that happened for every student), the way that elementary school teachers are posting pictures/videos of the kids throughout the day and the parents are watching it, etc. this seems insane to me!
my parents trusted my teachers! and with one exception (a truly abusive man who should not have been teaching fourth graders, but that's another story) my teachers absolutely deserved that trust. i still don't understand what happened over the past 30 years to create the antagonistic relationship between parents and teachers that seems to exist now. is it just republican propaganda about indoctrination and teachers' unions finally sinking in? is it contracting education budgets creating worse outcomes for kids, making parents more wary and defensive? is EVERYTHING about no child left behind?
and i don't know, the schools seem to outsource more of the work to parents and require the parents to interact with the school far more than they did in the 90s, and i know it's not because the teachers aren't working as hard, since it sounds to me talking to my teacher friends that they're working even harder than my teachers had to. maybe it's the teaching-to-the-test thing of no child life behind, which was not a thing when i was a kid? maybe it's increasing class sizes? maybe it's administration breathing down their necks? i genuinely don't know, but the entire atmosphere around school feels completely different to me now than it did when i was a kid, and i don't think it was only because i was a kid then and an adult now (though i'm sure that's part of it) since i have talked to my mom about my memories of how things were and she confirms all of it.
back to what you said: i loooove your mom's quote! "every parent thinks their kid is the best in the world and every parent is right." she is so correct!!! and i completely agree that every child should feel special, not in a participation trophy way, but in a genuine way where the adults around them find out the things that make them unique and celebrate that. i am EXTREMELY lucky that i had that (though it came with some downsides--being told that i was smart all the time, being in the "gifted and talented" program, and having school be very, very easy for me has resulted in me having less grit--when i am not immediately good at something i want to stop doing it) and a lot of it was the fact that my family was firmly middle class and my mom and my grandparents and all the nice old ladies at church had the time and energy to treat me as special. i know there are so many parents and extended families and communities out there who are desperate to do that for their children but are working so hard and have so few resources that it's very difficult for them. it breaks my heart.
that thing about the things that get celebrated--especially your example about attendance--is so on-point! your sister was getting celebrated for being healthier! and (presumably) for having a stable enough home life that she could make it to school every day! which many kids don't have!
"given all of that context, i have really tried to back off of any reactions i feel myself having when families choose to make a big deal of certain milestones (eg prom - some of my students' families spend SO MUCH time/effort/money on a big prom sendoff) bc none of our futures are promised and some students/families are especially aware of it!!"
oh my gosh! this makes so much sense to me! i admit that my feelings about lower-income/immigrant families doing this (pure affection) are very different than my feelings about the white upper-middle-class people i know doing it (skepticism).
"i do feel like the devastating number of school shootings that have happened over the past 15 years might affect some parents' mindsets about this, even subconsciously, across the country."
again, not something i thought about but this makes so much sense too. columbine happened when i was in middle school and it was HUGE but it was an outlier. i mean, there were other school shootings when i was in high school, but it's nowhere near what it's been in the last 20 years omg. it never, ever occurred to me to be scared of other students (other than the mild emotional torture kids do to each other--even bullying wasn't something i experienced, just general kids being mean). i never, ever remember being scared at school (other than of my fourth grade teacher, but that was emotional stuff, not physical stuff).
anyway, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me and sorry i'm just spewing about my own experiences. every single thing you say about your approach as a teacher and also the way you write about teaching in your fics leaves me in awe of you. i can just tell what an incredible teacher you are, how lucky your students are to have you, and how much you're putting out into the world. i admire you so much!!!!!
