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Summary: Marcus is a workaholic, and you're not sure your marriage is strong enough to handle the strain.
Pairing: Husband!Marcus Pike x Wife!Reader
Warnings: angst, drama, Husband!Marcus, F!Reader, reader is afab and goe sby she/her, brief smut, unprotected pinv, kissing, happy ending, no use of y/n, marriage drama,
WC: 3.9k
A/N: This is my entry for @pedroscurls dialogue challenge! I guess i woke up in a mood one day and wanted to be angsty, but i struggled because Marcus is Perfect⢠and he would never do this but i figured if he did he would absolutely bust his ass to make everything okay. Come yell at me if you disagree
Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes as you sit in the waiting room, the incessant ticking of the clock on the wall delivering another blow with each beat, with each grating click. You fidget, watching the clock, the nail in the coffin hammering deeper and deeper.
You know the receptionist isnât judging you. Her eyes are kind, but underneath, you know itâs pity she feels for you.Â
Because heâs late again. Always delayed. Always prioritizing his career. Always sacrificing your marriage for another opportunity. Always keeping you firmly planted to the side where his job remains front and center.
He always attends your sessions. He at least makes an effort for that. But after last nightâs fight, youâre not even sure your marriage is worth the trouble anymore. The thought makes you ache, your chest growing tight and the tears burning hot now. One slips out and you swipe it away before it has the chance to fall. To become real. If the receptionist notices, she doesnât say anything, which youâve learned is a small mercy.
A door opens and your head snaps up. Itâs the wrong door. Not the entrance to the comfortable, sparsely decorated waiting room, but the door to the office housing your therapist. Your heart sinks, another fresh tear springing up and threatening to spill over.
A couple steps out. The woman grins at her husband over her shoulder, muttering something. He laughs, snaking an arm around her waist and pulling her back to kiss her cheek. They whisk by you without a glance, touching, holding, cherishing each other. Theyâre absorbed in one another in a way thatâs become a faint, distant familiarity to you.
That used to be you and Marcus. But it hasnât been for some time.Â
âYou didnât even call to tell me you couldnât make it, Marcus,â you sigh, arms tight around yourself, leaning against the counter just out of his reach. He knew better than to touch you right now.
âI know. I know, baby. Iâm so sorry ââ he answers softly, eyes pleading and warm. Almost irresistible.
âThen why does it keep happening? If youâre sorry, why do you do this to me every time?â You demand, eyes stinging. You donât want to cry right now. You never want to cry in front of him. Because a sick part of you knows he hates it and it hurts him to see you upset. And you donât want that. You never want to hurt him. âWhy canât you just ââ
âJust what?â
âJust â keep your promises! I looked like such an idiot waiting there for you. Alone at a table set for two,â you sucked in a breath when you couldnât hold your tears back anymore. âThe server just looked at me like I was pathetic. Like Iâd been stood up by some blind date. She even asked me if it was a first date. And I just lied to her and told her it was. Because I couldnât bring myself to tell her that no, itâs my husband who stood me up. Not just some random guy I met. My husband!âÂ
Your chest heaves after your outburst, tears flowing freely. Marcus looks like heâs in physical pain, like every word had sliced through him, down to the bone.Â
âI am so sorry, baby,â he says again and takes a step forward but you inch away. He stops, âPlease, let me hold you. Iâm sorry. I have no excuse. Iâm an asshole. Donât push me away.â
âIâm not the one pushing you away, Marcus. Your job is doing that for you,â you sniff, turning your back to him.
âNo, no, no, honey,â he reaches for you again, a hand grazing your bare shoulder before you whip around to glare at him.Â
âDonât touch me right now.â
He clenches his hands into fists, keeping them pinned at his sides instead. You swipe at your tears before looking down at yourself. You were stupid to get so dressed up for a date night you knew would be ruined by his job. But you did it anyway. You wanted to feel beautiful. You wanted to feel like your marriage wasnât hanging on by a frail, easily snapped thread. Like it was a normal date night and you knew without a doubt that he would show up and youâd have dinner and laugh and be in love and strip each other down when you got home.
The dress was a waste, clearly. Simple. Black. Thin straps, enticing neckline, slit in the thigh. You wanted to look good for him. And you did. You look stunning.
And he hadnât even shown up. Hadnât even bothered to tell her he couldnât make it.
âWhy is your job more important than me?â You ask the question youâve been careful to avoid in your therapy sessions, always skirting around the true issue, always minimizing your pain. Your voice was so small, so feeble, one small blow would incapacitate you. Shatter you beyond recognition.
His eyebrows draw together, jaw clenching. Big brown eyes brewing with heartbreak. You can see it. The realization.
âItâs not. Itâs not more important. Nothing is more important than you,â he tells you, voice low, fists still clenched so tight his knuckles are white.
âYou love your job. I know you do. I would never ask you to stop doing what you love. I just wish youâd love me too. I donât want to feel like I come second to some case or some promotion or whatever else.â
You canât help the sob that rips out of you. The bone deep misery crashing into you. You cradle yourself, arms wrapped so tight it squeezes the breath out of you, as if keeping the last shreds of yourself intact.Â
âHoney,â his voice wavers, reaching out to you, fingertips grazing your arms, âPlease, baby, Iâm sorry. Itâs not like that. I swear, youâre â youâre everything to me. Maybe I â maybe I get preoccupied sometimes. I get a little busy. Maybe I lose track of time. But that doesnât mean my job means more.â
âI ask for one night a week, Marcus. One night where I get you all to myself,â you sniff, âYou canât even manage that.â
âIâll do better, I swear,â he promises, finally resting his hands on your arms and pulling you into him, but you shake your head and look up at him, eyes burning.Â
âYou always say that.â
âI mean it. I canât stand seeing you like this. I donât ever wanna be the reason youâre so hurt. Iâm sorry. Please, donât ââ he chokes on whatever thought passes through him and you frown.
âDonât what? Leave you? Divorce you?â
His eyes are so dark and pleading, you wish you hadnât spoken the words. Wish you hadnât just confirmed his worst fears. Because you had considered it. He knows you must have thought about it at least once or twice. But to verbalize it is the very same thing as manifesting the outcome.
You canât look at him anymore, and even though you donât want to hurt him, you still say it, âWell, maybe thatâs whatâs best.â
âItâs not,â he says immediately. Firmly. Final.
âHow do you know? Youâre barely involved in our marriage as it is.â Itâs the ugliest thing youâve ever said to him, and it silences him in the blink of an eye.
You regret it the moment he turns away from you. The way his shoulders shudder, his hand trembling as he drags it down his face. The anguish in his posture is evident. And before you reach out to him, you force your hands to still, reminding yourself that he hurt you long before you hurt him.Â
Still. It was a shitty thing to say. But you donât apologize. He can think on your words. Stew over them, turn them over in his mind until heâs wrung dry with the pain of loving you.
âIâm going to bed,â you say softly, sniffing. The tears have run out, but you know the moment you lie down, theyâll return. They always do.Â
He only nods, doesnât look at you, ashamed. Good, you think.Â
You go upstairs, strip out of your dress, the sexy lingerie youâd worn for him, and slip into a pair of his plaid pajama pants and an old FBI t-shirt. You wash your face. Press a cold washcloth to your eyes, and try to push him out of your mind. You canât, though. Part of you doesnât want to. The part thatâs so hopelessly in love with him, you feel like your chest will cave in with the intensity of it.
The other part, the part that wants to forget, remembers the pain. The humiliation. The loneliness. The neglect. And you want to purge it all from your mind. Everything tainted by him.
You finish getting ready for bed, hot tears slipping down your cheeks before youâre even nestled under the covers. The exhaustion drags you under. And just as youâre slipping away, you swear you can hear the front door closing. And you think it means something. But youâre too tired to understand.
You waited with your therapist for fifteen minutes before leaving. Even though you cancelled the rest of the session, you still paid for a full sixty minutes. You didnât care. You only wanted to go home, curl up in bed, and succumb to your misery. Drown in the despair of your failed marriage. But you keep telling yourself â it wasnât you who failed. It was Marcus.
Youâre buried under your comforter, consumed by soft down and fluffy pillows, hiding from the weight of your turmoil, when you hear the front door open and close. Itâs nearly nine oâclock at night. On a typical evening, that would be considered an early arrival for Marcus, but on your therapy nights, heâs not only missed the appointment, but heâs over three hours late.Â
He doesnât come upstairs right away. You can hear him shuffling around in the kitchen, and youâre dreading the moment he decides to confront you, because you know he will. He didnât come to bed last night, and youâre almost positive he went back to work after your argument. Good. At least heâll always have his career to keep him company.
When your bedroom door opens to reveal him, his tie is loose, jacket missing, and his sleeves are rolled to his elbows, you almost flinch with the intensity of his presence. Like heâs the physical embodiment of the culmination of your pain. Right in front of you.
He doesnât say anything when his eyes land on you, concealing yourself among the bedding, so you speak first.
âYou didnât come to therapy.â
Shaking his head, you can see his jaw clench, his eyes drop to his shoes, and his shoulders slump. âI had some things to take care of.â
You nod, eyes burning, anger pooling in your chest, hot and bright, âOf course you did.â
He sighs your name, pinching the bridge of his nose, âIt couldnât wait.â
âI never can.â
He looks at you then, his eyes sharpening, pained.
âThey offered me the promotion.â
You expected as much. Itâs the reason his life has been centered around his job for the past couple of years. At first, heâd only been held up a handful of times. It was nothing you didnât understand and he always made it up to you. You were supportive, enthusiastic even, encouraging him to work as hard as he needed to to get the position.Â
Then, he missed one date night, then two. Then several in a row. Heâd get home later and later each night until the two of you were simply strangers living under the same roof. You'd never felt lonelier.Â
And now, the job that kept him away for so many nights, was within his reach. You were proud of him for working so hard for it. But the bitterness that crept in was unmistakable. An odious, noxious feeling you wanted to smother. You didnât want to be this person. This kind of wife. But his absence was worse. It carved a hole in you you didnât think you could ever fill. Not without him. Not if it meant his job would rip him away from you permanently.
âI said no.â
Your eyes snap to his, unsure if you actually heard him correctly or if it was wistful thinking. If your mind was playing tricks on you. Your heart hammers away at your chest, blood rushing through your ears. Youâre sure he can hear it.
âTold them I wanted to transfer.â
That makes your heart sink. Transfer. Transfer where? A different city? Is he trying to tell you he wants a divorce after all?
You swallow thickly, slowly pushing yourself to sit up. His eyes are so dark, so unreadable, you donât know the path his thoughts are taking. When he doesnât say anything else, you only nod, willing, pleading for your voice to be steady when you said, âSo youâre leaving.âÂ
You prepare for the worst.
With his muscled arms crossed over his broad chest, he scoffs, and it stills your beating heart for just a moment.
âYou drive me crazy.â
That makes you scowl, makes you want to jump out of bed and storm over to him so you can slap him. But you remain rooted in place, waiting for him to elaborate.
âI want you to listen to me very carefully,â he begins, his voice low and solid in a way youâve never heard before. Heâs never stern â not with you. Heâs always been soft and gentle. Now, the grave look he gives you silences you. âNo job, no promotion, no opportunity, no pay raise, or anything else will ever be as important to me as you are.â
Your eyes well with tears, hands clasping in your lap, heart racing. Your skin buzzes with awareness, with the shock of his declaration.
âDo you hear me?â He says, loud and crisp, âTell me that you understand.â
âYes,â you answer, voice so frail and searching. Youâre not sure if this is real or not. You donât dare to hope.
âIâm taking over Analytics. Itâs still a promotion. But less field work. More delegating. More in house investigating.â
âWhat does that mean?â You ask, looking down at your hands, twisting your fingers together, gripping the comforter.Â
âIt means less late nights. Less absences. Less making you feel like you come second to absolutely anything. Because you donât.â
Youâre crying now, your face twisted, hands flying up to hide yourself from him. Ashamed. You never expected him to make such a drastic decision, not when heâs worked so hard for this. You never expected him to abandon it all just to make you happy. The guilt builds in your chest, bursting like a dam. Youâd been prepared to divorce him, primed and braced for divorce.
And heâd surprised you.
âHey,â he says softly, his weight sinking the bed, warm hands on your wrists to pull them away. When he does, he lowers his head to find your gaze and what you see there is warmth and understanding and remorse and it only makes you cry harder. âI can never take back the time that I missed with you. And Iâm sorry I let myself get lost in my work like that. I know I canât repair the damage Iâve done just by saying all of this. Itâs going to take time for you to trust me again. But I want ââ
He closes his eyes and takes a breath, centering himself.
âIâm sorry I missed our appointment today. I couldnât get away, but I want to keep going. I need us to keep going. I never meant to make you feel like my job was more important than you. Youâre ââ he swallows thickly, eyes pleading, fingers trembling against your wrists, âYouâre my entire world. I would quit my job entirely before I let you go. I need you to know that.â
He lifts your hands to his lips, kissing each of your palms, then your fingers, holding them close, eyes squeezed shut like heâs fighting his own tears. You press your hands to his cheeks, making his eyes flutter open to look at you.
âDid you really reject the promotion?â
He nods, kissing your hand again, lowering his eyes, "I did what I shouldâve done the second I made you feel neglected.â
âMarcus ââ your throat feels tight when you speak, but you have to tell him, âI never wanted you to choose between me and your job. Iâm sorry ââ
âDonât,â he hushes you gently, âIt was never a choice, baby. You are the only thing that matters.â
âBut you worked so hard,â your eyes burn with more tears, the terrible, aching sensation of dread clouding you, this moment, âYouâre going to resent me.â
His eyes soften and he shakes his head, resolute and firm, âListen to me.â
âI gave you an ultimatum ââ he shakes his head again, cutting you off, letting the words die on your tongue.
You stifle the next sob that threatens to escape, looking at him â genuinely looking at him â for perhaps the first time in months. His eyes are so dark. So warm. Gentle in a way that makes you regret ever looking away.Â
âI made this choice. Not you. You didnât give me an ultimatum. You didnât tell me to choose between work and you. You were very clear about what you needed, and I refused to see it. Do you understand?â
You nod.
âI did this to us. And I had to fix it, okay?â
You nod again.
âI canât have you thinking Iâm not completely and totally in love with you.â
You canât help it. You let out a laugh. Partially a sob, and a huff of air. A breath youâd been holding in since the first missed date night. The tension in your body melts when he wraps you in his arms, still seated on the bed next to you, your legs buried under the comforter. He holds you so tightly, so securely. You never want him to let go.
You burrow a hand in his hair, turn your head to kiss the side of his neck. He pulls away, giving you a beseeching look.
âCan I kiss you?â
You donât hesitate, nodding, diving into him before the sentence is even fully formed on his lips. He meets you there, and itâs the best kiss youâve ever shared. It takes shape quickly, dripping with desperation and longing and sorrow. You taste the remorse on him as he licks past your lips, threads his fingers in your hair, tips your head back. Itâs hungry and deep and searching for salvation.
Youâre the first to begin undressing him, pulling his tie loose and working on the buttons of his shirt as he continues to pour his entire soul into the kiss. He shrugs out of the shirt and breaks away when you start yanking his undershirt up his body. He does the same to you, both of you shedding everything in a matter of seconds.
When youâre both bare from head to toe, and heâs settling between the valley of your welcoming thighs, hand braced next to your head, he just looks at you. Takes you in. Scrutinizing the details of your face like he hadnât done for some time.Â
âI love you so much,â he whispers like itâs a secret heâs been keeping to himself. More tears spring to your eyes and you pull him down for another kiss, his stiff cock brushing your slick folds.
You whimper as he breaches you. Itâs been so long since heâs touched you this delicately, this tenderly, or at all for that matter. His job has consumed every moment of his life, leaving little to no room for you. The lack of intimacy between you and Marcus an unwelcome side effect of his burgeoning career.
The sting of him pressing into you makes you gasp, your walls clenching tight. You break away with a whine, clutching at him, arching your body into him. He moans into your neck and flexes his hips.
âNever gonna let you go,â he mutters, sinking into you further. Your eyes flutter shut, and then you feel the brush of his thumb against your cheek. âOpen for me, baby.â
You look at him then, and the adoration and truth behind his words strikes you, makes you shudder underneath him. It breaks you open in a visceral, raw way that has you pulling him impossibly close. He drops to his forearms, the weight of him covering you, grounding you.Â
When he starts to move, his lips are on you. Your neck, your breasts, your cheeks, anywhere he can reach. In turn, your hands roam his body, feeling the muscles of his back tense with each thrust, nails digging and hips meeting.Â
Heâs slow and deliberate at first, making you feel every thick inch of him the way you were always meant to. But when your pleasure builds, his desperation eclipses anything tender and slow in favor of power and depth. You come on his cock with a cry of his name, chanting how much you love him, how you never want him to stop.
Heâs right behind you, careening over the edge so fast, youâre unprepared for the intensity of it and the aftershocks it delivers. Marcus remains seated inside you as your breaths even out, pressing delicate, intentional kisses across your shoulders, up your neck, until he reaches your lips. You clutch him to you as though he could slip away at any moment, reveling in the attention he willingly gives.
Neither of you speak as he slides out of you and collects you in his arms. You canât even remember the last time he held you like this, and it makes your chest ache at the lost moments his career stole from you both. You nestle against him, he tightens his arms around you, likely dwelling on the same misgivings.
His thoughts are loud, the tension in his body not quite eased. You look up at him and heâs already staring down at you. Forlorn, somber eyes greet you, and you kiss his jaw.
âIâm not perfect,â he says quietly, âBut I want to be. Iâm trying to be â for you.â
The twinge of his admission is sharp and prominent. You press a hand to his cheek, âMarcus, I never wanted you to be perfect. I just wanted you.â
He frowns, and you know exactly what heâs thinking. Exactly how his insecurities are burrowing under his skin, darkening his thoughts.
âTell me,â you say, kissing his jaw again.
âI almost lost you. I hurt you. And I didnât even see it. Iâm a fucking idiot.â
You donât want to lie to him. But you also donât want to tell him how his neglect had plagued you. How it wrung your self-worth completely dry. How lonely you were. How unloved. But you also know that neither of you can heal unless he knows. Unless youâre honest with him too.
So you tell him. You watch his face fall, his eyes shimmer with unshed tears, then close because hearing how deeply heâd wounded you is unbearable. His grip on you tightens, fingers threading in your hair.
And though your marriage is far from perfect, and you two have a lot of ground to cover before itâs as strong as it once was, youâre hopeful.
Because for the first time in months, maybe even years, you fall asleep with your husband at your side.
Mandalor Din Djarin, who never wanted the throne of the newly re- established planet of Mandalore, but accepted his responsibilities for the sake of his people, even going as far as to agree to an arranged marriage with you, the daughter of a high end political figure of a neighbouring planet, all in the name of good relations. Who, on the wedding day barely spoke to you (beyond what was expected), as it was obvious you weren't happy about this union either. Who, on the wedding night lead you to the royal suit, and when you began to tremble, assured you he would never force you to do anything you're not comfortable with, then, removed his helmet and turned his back to you in your shared bed to show you he means you no harm.
Mandalor Din Djarin, who tried to make these changes as easy as possible for both of you, giving you space when you didn't have to deal with royal responsibilities together or make public appearances. Who sometimes feels just as trapped as you, often longing for his simpler days of bounty hunting. Who accepts you both have to make the best of this situation and, after a period of adjustment, began to initiate simple conversations with you at dinner times in hopes to understand you better and vice versa. Who slowly began to see the quick witted woman beneath the "proper lady" image you no doubt had been groomed to present your entire life, and began to enjoy the exchanges every evening, and noticed that you too, had began to relax in his presence and even offer him genuine smiles; smiles he had not prepared himself for and made a warmth in his chest bloom every time.
Mandalor Din Djarin, who always makes sure to ask your opinion on matters of state during official meetings- against the whispered advice of some advisors, who'd implied you should just be there to "Look the part" and nothing more. Who had begun to value your input more than certain council members and makes no secret of it. Who, erupts in fury when one of the members dares to publicly disrespect your authority- calling you a foreign acquisition, who's sole purpose is to produce Mandalorian heirs. Who doesn't think twice before un-leashing the Dark Sabre and holding so close to the man's throat he can smell the skin burning, warning everyone present that the next time anyone dares to disrespect his Riddur, their Queen, heads will literally roll. Who'd dismissed the room and only begun to calm down when your hand settled on the un-armoured part of his shoulder and, instead of calling him "My Lord" (as you always had), you simply called him Din.
Mandalor Din Djarin, who didn't expect the shift between you both since that moment in the council chambers. Who found himself drawing closer to you as the weeks went on, noticing that you seemed just as receptive to him as he is to you. Who, on a number of occasions detected your rising pulse and quickening heartbeat through his helmet's sensors when you looked at him for too long. Who had woken up early one morning to find you, not sleeping on your side of the bed, but on his bare chest, his arm finding the curve of your waist in his sleep. Who dared not move, lest he wake you and ruin this surprisingly perfect moment. Who realised with startling clarity that, despite the rocky start of this arranged marriage, he'd fallen hopelessly in love with his Queen and he suspects you may feel the same way.
Mandalor Din Djarin, who, after an unexpected attack on the still growing capital city, almost lost you to an ambush while you were escorting the foundlings to a safe room. Who viciously cut down every enemy in his path to get to you, and only when the doctor had assured him you'd suffered no injury, did he drop to his knees in front of you in the privacy of your bed chamber, rip his helmet off and confess his love for you. Who's heart swelled when you dropped to your knees with him and through rolling tears, cupped his face and cried that you love him too! Who, that night made tender love to you in the marital bed, slipping into euphoria as he pulled orgasm after orgasm from your shuddering body. Who worshiped every inch of you and received just as much reverence from you in return as you both drowned in the intimacy of one another. Who held you while you slept, stroking his hand up and down your bare shoulder and felt, for the first time since becoming Mandalor, that as long as he has you by his side, maybe he can do this job after all.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Omg! I canât wait for ALL of these WIPs but I gotta know more about these three:
RareâHarry Castillo
Adult ProgrammingâJoel Miller
LA Velvet CrownâDieter Bravo (a one shot from one of my FAVORITE SERIES!) Iâm screaming!
Thank you for the ask! đ
Rare is canon compliant with Materialistsâ after their breakup Lucy sets Harry up with a beautiful wealthy woman with a mysterious past.
Adult programming is pure pwp đ the reader gets a chance to finally hook up with her stepdad when her mom divorces him
Velvet crown LA (I have it shortened to VCLA but I doubt people would understand what it means đ ) is about the one woman who doesnât want to sleep with Dieter. After many failed attempts at seducing you he flees to the velvet crown hotel and goes on a binge. Youâre tasked with finding him and getting him sober to complete filming
t.w.: Soft Dark, Smut, Dub-con, breeding/pregnancy kink, Reader is pregnant, fingering, kidnapping, forced pregnancy, hints of Stockholm Syndrome, barely proofread (forgive me)
a/n: Please read all warnings before interacting with any of my works. 18+ Only!!!
Love at First Sight Masterlist
Heâs been conditioning you. He revels in the way your thighs clench together whenever his hands wander over your body.
At first, he let you isolate yourself, keeping yourself in the bunk as he piloted the ship, letting you take the cot every night. He didn't even try to interact with you, keeping himself busy with the child, his bounties and credit collection.
He would allow you outside of the ship, trusting you to be completely alone with Grogu. He was surprised by how you never once triggered the tracker embedded on your bracelet. He didn't know you knew that he had modified a cattle tracker into a shiny golden pendant.
You'd woken up with it your first morning in the Razor Crest. The soft hum of it was hard to locate at first. You lacked the tools to deactivate them. You were as sharp as a whip with technology.Â
A skill you wouldnât use in a long time since you were taken.Â
He had plans. He wanted to find a home planet. Preferably somewhere adequate to raise his children and continue his life with you. The holopad he conspicuously left out in the hull while he was out one evening was full of data files on hundreds of mid-rim planets.
Most of the planets he landed on were among those in the holos. They were safe, quiet, and isolated. Once you had found the pad, he checked which images you would stare at the longest, which descriptions you would read with rapt attention.
He shakes his head remembering the first thing you did with the holopad. Immediately locating the communications feature and finding it disabled, the transmitter chip at the back of the device thoughtfully missing.Â
He would watch as you would glance outside of the ship, your stare would wander often when the ramp was open. You clearly had a preference. Your eyes would glimmer in regions with cooler temperatures, lots of trees, deciduous and changing with the seasons.
You dozed off to the soft sounds of animal chirps and rainfall when he would leave for a bounty.Â
By the fifth month of your Razor Crest residency, he lost his patience. He thought finding a planet would come easier. Some were perfect but the people were too hostile. For some, the people were peaceful but the planet was too unpredictable.Â
He was tired of your lack of communication. The moment you were alone with him, the room grew deadly silent. The only sounds that would react to him were of Grogu, coincidentally the only person you willingly interacted with.Â
Despite this, you were still pliant. Your pregnancy had made you sick early on. Heâd make you food, soothe your back, bring you ginger tea and other higher quality rations heâd use extra credits on to make sure you were comfortable.Â
He started to condition you to get used to his presence; the way he could make you feel. If only you would give him easier leverage.
You would often hear him pleasuring himself, murmuring about how you looked so beautiful carrying his child. How you would look so pretty all cock-dumb and fucked out over his bed in a real home.
You would try to sleep after, but you couldnât help but think of the way wetness dampened your underwear and how a part of you thinks back on how he pleased you back in your home. Before you realized his plan to take you.
Youâd stare half awake at the panels above you. Shifting uncomfortably against the small bunk that only seemed to get smaller as your belly grew.
He broke the silence one day as he was making portions. He stated how he had enough credits to buy an isolated cottage near farmland, of which planet, he didnât say. Sleeping Grogu was taken out of your arms and tucked into his metal bassinet. With a press of a button it was closed shut, leaving you alone with 'Din'.
You'd spoken directly to him a couple of times since your kidnapping. He revealed his name to you the day you had woken up. Despite your anger, the fear, and the desperation to be free, you often caught yourself thinking of it.
Who would have known a bounty hunter to have such a simple name. You loathe the fact you would have chuckled in any other circumstance.Â
You blinked up at him in confusion as the baby's pram closed shut. He sighs wistfully. As he sat down on the blankets and pillows he set up on the floor as a makeshift common area in the Crest, he reached for your hand.
You let him pull you down against him. Heâs strong enough so that he could position you any way he wants without your assistance. He pulls his helmet off, the magnetic connection between it and his flightsuit hisses as it deactivates. He motions for you to pick up the plate of food he set on the small wooden tea table he had found in a market somewhere.
âWeâll be home soon,â he soothes as you eat slowly in his lap, pieces of his armor digging into your body. His cuirass was cold behind you, making you shiver.Â
You look back at him, eyes blank. He just smiles and caresses your cheek briefly with a swipe of his thumb, a slight chuckle escaping him at your âpoutâ. His hands skim over your tunic and stop on the swell of your belly, lightly tracing it up and down with the tips of his fingers.
He cups the underside of the bump, his nose pressing against the side of your neck.
Your defeat was present from the beginning. You never fought back, barely argued. Things couldn't have gotten much worse than life in your village, barely able to make it through a work shift without passing out from dehydration or starvation.
Chills run down your spine and goosebumps start to rise. He holds you against his chest for a couple of minutes, urging you to continue eating. Breathing in the scent of your hair and lightly caressing your belly.
Then his hands move further down to caress over your mound, you shiver. A shot of pleasure goes up your spine. He continues to âaccidentallyâ rub against you in between his praises of how well of a mother youâve been, especially to Grogu, whenever he was gone.
You were throbbing by the time you were done with the portions, mumbling that you were full to excuse yourself away from the table.Â
That prompted him to ask you to feed him spoonfuls in return. He didnât want to put anything to waste. It felt very intimate, especially with the way he loudly chewed next to your ear and groaned as if he were eating something gourmet, almost mimicking the sounds he made when he last had you in your bedroom back in your home planet, his mouth to your cunt.
The baby gave a sudden cry in his pram, you were grateful for the respite, especially as Din was starting to graze over your inner thighs to spread them. You excuse yourself to the restroom and curse yourself. It was the hormones, it had to be. You shouldnât be this affected by his gentle touches otherwise.
Heâs been doing the same technique for a little over a month afterwards. Grazing over your ass as he walked by, âaccidentally' cupping your breasts and lightly squeezing as he mewled over your bump. Having you sit over his erection whenever you ate 'together' and the baby was napping in his soundproofed pod.
You hate the way your body responds to a simple touch on the shoulder and jumps to imagining him thrusting into you against the side of the hull.
It gets worse when you are finally 'home'. He was able to get his hands on a small cottage. It was far from the other housing units in the town, not quite secluded but not as neighborly. Despite the isolation, he didnât allow you to even step outside the door. He said it was too dangerous.
You questioned him, considering you were a long way from other people. He never answered. Instead, he would hold you close to him and reassure you that it was safer for you and the baby.
Grogu was off to school, taken by his father almost every day. He wasnât fussing constantly over him.
The one positive from being stuck âhomeâ was that he was barely there. You rarely had moments where he would make you want to rip his armor off and feel his skin on yours like the months before.
You had more time for yourself. To acclimate to the sudden shift in your center of gravity as your seventh month of your unexpected pregnancy began.
He was often away to earn credits working odd jobs. He'd leave you with the promise that soon, if you complied instead of ignoring all of his advances at becoming a family, you too would accompany him out one day.
He didnât like the idea of keeping you as if you were a nanny to his children. Just a doll he could stare at and fondle. It was unbecoming of him and yourself.
But because you were currently pregnant and you didnât reciprocate his kisses and affection, he thought it was best to keep you where you were. You had enough time alone to think about ways to escape, but with your growing condition the thought was dissipating quickly. You felt tired, nauseous, heavy. Your feet were swollen and even thinking of the months to come made you dread even thinking of being alone. In some sick way the bastard has debilitated you in this form.
Though that didnât stop him from praising you. He likes to watch as you start to waddle around, chasing after his son, now yours, and play with him. Pride surges in his chest when he watches Grogu pat your stomach in question and you softly explain how there was a tiny person growing inside.
âThe villagers have been asking for you,â he says one night, his shoulder leaning against the doorway to the restroom as you apply cream to your face in front of the mirror above the sink.Â
You hum absentmindedly, looking anywhere but the reflection as he steps closer behind, wrapping his arms around you.Â
âIs that so?â you question sarcastically. He ignores your tone.
âMm.â He slumps over you, resting his head on top of yours. His eyes lower to your stomach and his brows furrow.
Skimming past your third trimester you outgrew all of your old clothes, including those of the man behind you. His stare made you fidget. You feel embarrassed as you try to tug the tunic as far down as it can go. A sliver of your skin still peaks through.
Tears well and blur your vision, you try to look away from his now worried gaze. Your hands move to cover your face as sudden emotion floods through your body, an unstoppable wobble from your lips gives you away. He stops your hands from hiding your face quickly, asking you what was wrong.
âMy clothes donât fit,â you whine. You think of how stupid you must sound. The way you could be thinking of many other worse things that heâs done to you, and you think to complain about this.
âIâm so big. I'm just so...,â you sigh weakly, hands fluttering over your body in an exasperated gesture. His grip tightens on your hands reassuringly and he presses a kiss to the side of your head.
Heâs always liked his women with meat on their bones. He liked the thought that your body was changing because of him. Seeing you now, insinuating that you're not the most beautiful creation the maker has ever made, made his eyes twitch in irritation. Not at you, of course, but of the way you view yourself, of how people may have led you to believe.
In his culture women are respected as if they were goddesses. They are the foundations of their kind. Seeing you now look at yourself in disdain made him feel like a failure. He failed to take care of you as a spouse should.
All because he never touched you properly, fully and with his full intentions, he thinks. He's teased you for months, never going farther than a few raunchy touches.
He kisses up your neck and you freeze. His hands wander downward, under your stretchy maternity pants and underwear. His hand was so large that you could see it straining the seams of your pajamas.
âYouâre beautiful,â he says as he flicks his wrist to palm over your mound, grinding it against you. You gasp as he continues, watching over you through the mirror as you twitch and lean your back further into his chest.
You sigh shakily as he inserts a thick finger inside of you. Then another as your eyes close shut tightly. The sound of your slick cunt resounds around the small room, your hand makes its way behind his head, pushing his mouth against your neck and shoulder.
He nips and sucks, groaning as he feels your walls squeeze around him. His palm grinds down harder, a quicker rhythm that makes his hand sticky with your arousal. He presses his pelvis forward, allowing you to feel the outline of his cock against the plushness of your ass.Â
He brings you to climax easily. Your legs threaten to collapse but he catches you.
The rest of the night he praised your body, your caring personality. Often mentioning how you would be such a caring mother to your next child and children.
You were barely awake and on the verge of passing out. You felt as if you exerted yourself trying to keep up with his burning touches. You donât think youâve ever been cared for as much as you have been with him.
âTomorrow weâre going into town to get tunics.â
He presses himself against your back maneuvering a pillow under your body which lays on its side.
He finally presses a kiss to your lips as he pushes a strand of hair from your face. He smiles as he sees you respond back weakly, your eyes closed and lips slack in a light pucker.
--------------------
I'll upload parts every Wednesday! Next one will have actual full-length smut. I'm a tease, I suppose.
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Summary: Joel breaks you heart when you confess your love for him. You get into trouble whilst on patrol, causing Joel to accept his feelings and leave in a desperate search for you.
Iâm breaking my somewhat vacation semi hiatus to share a little something thatâs been on my mind for the past weeks. Iâve been gaining some new followers and mostly attention to my Din fics, which is, of course, very nice. But Iâve also noticed the pattern of many likes and almost no comments or reblogs.
I donât want to sound whiny and I also understand that some might be new to this place and fandom, brought here by the Mandalorian movie. I once was like you and didnât know better. But after reading a post about it I changed my ways, so if this reaches at least one person and helps them change their way of consuming then Iâll take it as a win. If you read a fic, appreciate an art, are delighted by gifs, REBLOG IT. At the the very least leave a comment to express that you enjoyed it. Doesnât even have to be a long comment. Just a  ââĽď¸â works fine, or a little âLoved this!â. I can assure you, it will make the creator feel giddy with joy. Because when you only like it, well we donât know if you read our fic.
On my last Din fic I have 378 notes, 18 are comments and 56 are reblogs. And for my little blog this is a lot. But you can half that because I try to answer every one of them. So for me people 37 read it. The 308 who liked it donât count. Because I have no way of knowing if theyâve read it or not. It might just be a bookmark, or someone liking it without real intention, like you would on an instagram post. But understand this, this place doesnât have an algorithm. So the only way a fic can get more attention is if you reblog it. And if you donât reblog for whatever reason, at least leave a comment to let the artist know it was appreciated. Because in the end, people will stop creating, thinking what they do is not worth any attention.
Thatâs all for me. I really do hope at least one person will read this and think about it.
If youâve read this all the way, here is your little treat
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Chapter Summary: Started out with a kissâŚhow did it end up like this? The reader and Joel are having a rocky time. This was a hard one to writeâŚand it may be a little soap opera-y. 𫣠PS I'm sorry for anyone named Roxie!
Thank you for all the love and support! If anyone else wants to be tagged, let me know!
Two Years Earlier:
It was pitch black outside of the Washington DC QZ, Charlotte and Max crouched low behind a broken down truck riddled with bullet holes. They had been at a safe house in Maryland for a month, until deciding to come back to rescue you, but word had quickly spread of their escape and Fedra were on the hunt.Â
Henry was ready with his team of men scouting the perimeter and metro tunnels, capturing and torturing anyone for information. A major reward was offered to anyone that would find the pair. Soldiers were everywhere, aiming their rifles at the slightest sound heard in the shadows.Â
A rustling in the trees caused Charlotte to gasp loudly. Max looked at her in panic.
âWhoâs there?!â shouted a nearby soldier. The rustle sounded again and he immediately shot his gun. The bullet barely missed Charlotteâs head, she could feel her hair move from its speed.
âHey!â another voice shouted. âEasy on the bullets. Remember Henry wants these two apprehended alive.â
The soldier that had shot his gun laughed and crept closer towards the origin of the rustling sound. âCome out, come out, wherever you are.â
Max pulled Charlotte closer to him and held a finger up to his lips, signaling for her to be silent, although he was sure the man could hear their rapidly beating hearts.
The soldier was a mere few inches away from them. They were right within his grasp when all of a sudden from beyond the dark trees a possum emerged from the woods, screeching.
âStupid fucking animal,â the soldier mumbled before walking away. âItâs ok. False alarm!â
Charlotte and Max breathed a unified sigh of relief and stayed in the shadows for several more minutes until Max was sure the coast was clear. âWe have to move, Charlie,â he whispered.
Charlotte wouldnât budge. âNo! Not without my sister! We told her that we would come back. She needs us.â
Max shook his head. âThis place is crawling with Fedra and theyâre all looking for us. Itâs not safe for anyone, including your sister.â
âButââ
âCharlotte, look at me.â He cupped her face and stared into her tear-filled eyes. âI love your sister with all my heart and I swore to her that I would keep you safe. Trust me, we will get her back. I donât intend on just giving up on the woman I love.â
 âThatâs so corny, but I trust you.â
Max smiled and took your sisterâs hand. âOk then, letâs go.â
Present Day:
The tension in the dining hall was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. The glances and hushed whispers directed to your table was further proof of word spreading fast around Jackson. Everyone knew about your surprise reunion.Â
You on the other hand were completely oblivious, sipping coffee and explaining to Max and Charlotte how you ended up in Jackson with Joel.
âWe came back for you,â your sister said between bites of her pie. âBut Fedra was everywhere.â
âI know. Henry must have ordered a search within a 30 mile radius of DC for weeks until he finally gave up. Iâm so glad you both got away,â you said, your eyes shiny with unshed tears.
Max reached across the table and placed his hand on top of yours. âHey, I promised I would keep her safe for you.â
A shaky breath escaped your lips and you squeezed his hand in return. âThank you. Iâm so happy youâre both here.â
Joel shifted in his seat, clearing his throat. At the sound, you withdrew your hand. Throughout dinner, he had hardly said a word, glowering at your childhood sweetheart the whole evening.
By the time everyone had eaten their fill, Maria declared it too late to get Max and Charlotte set up in a house so it was decided they would stay with you and Joel for the time being. The trek back to your house was as awkward as dinner with Joel silently leading your small group back to the house.Â
âJoelâs not much of a talker, is he?â Charlotte whispered to you.
âHeâs quiet,â you reassured her. âTrust me underneath that tough exterior, Joel is a total softie.â
Joel opened the front door, allowing you and Charlotte to enter first. It took every ounce of restraint on his part not to slam the door right in Maxâs face.
Charlotte looked around the foyer, taking in the cozy atmosphere and cheery fire. âYour house is beautiful, Joel.â
At your sisterâs compliment, the barest hint of a smile emerged on Joelâs face. âThank you. Come on, Iâll show you to your room.â As he headed up the steps, Joel called your name. âWhy donât you tend to our other guest. They can sleep on the sofa,â he grumbled.
Charlotte cringed and hugged you goodnight. Her ponytail swished as she followed Joel. It was a sight you never thought you would see again. You and your sister, safe and under the same roof.
With a sigh, you headed to the linen closet to grab an extra pillow and blankets. Upon returning to the living room, you found Max sitting in your comfy recliner with a book in his lap.Â
âYou have a nice set up here,â he said.
âThanks. Joel set all that up for me so I could have my own little space to read and relax. He even made the shelves.â Max nodded and dragged his hands across the dark wood where your books were neatly organized.
You began to set up the sofa into a makeshift bed, sensing his eyes on you.
âYouâre so beautiful,â he said, his voice soft, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.
You swerved and laughed a little. âSorry, this is all we have now, but Iâve taken many naps on this couch and I can personally vouch for its comfortability."
âIâve been sleeping on the ground for months. This is paradise.â Max slowly sauntered over to you and gently took hold of your wrist, pulling you closer. Ever so gently, he reached up and brushed his knuckles against your cheek, just like he used to all those years ago. The reflection of the fire in his blue eyes took your breath away. Muscle memory seemed to take over and you couldnât help but lean into his touch.Â
For a brief moment, all of the horrible memoriesâHenry, losing your sister, surviving in the harsh wilderness for monthsâ all vanished and you were young again in Maxâs arms. Everything you had endured, led you to where you are now. It led you to Joel. Joel! A pop from the fire brought reality back and you leapt back from Maxâs touch.
âIâm sorry. I canât.â You shook your head.
Max scoffed and shook his head in disbelief .âSo you and Joel are together?â he sneered.
You swallowed hard, unsure why it was so hard to speak at that moment. âYes, we are. Of course we are. What did you think?â
âThat you would have waited for me, like I waited for you.â His voice came out thick, threatening to crack under the heartache.Â
You stared at the floor, studying your feet, trying to bury the shame that was overpowering your body. âI donât want to get into this now. It's late. Why donât you get some sleep. Iâll see you in the morning.â
âNight,â Max mumbled.
When you walked into your bedroom, the lights were off. Joel was already in bed, his back to you. âJoel?â you whispered. âJoel?â He made no indication that he had heard you. Tentatively, you reached out to touch his arm before thinking better of it.
Emotionally drained, you decided to leave Joel alone and slipped under the covers, curling onto your side. The distance between you had never felt so far.
It was still dark when Joel got up the next morning. He had hardly slept, his mind reeling over the turn of events. Itâs not like Joel was unaware of Max. You had told Joel how Max was an integral part of your life. The reason you were running away from the DC QZ in the first place.Â
Joel would be lying if he said he hadnât felt a pang of jealousy over how you had spoken about your old boyfriend with such reverence and admiration. But you had always reassured him that Max was part of the past. Unfortunately, Joel hadnât planned on your past to show up at your doorstep.Â
Doubt began to seep in through the cracks of Joelâs mind. Would you choose to go back to Max?Â
From an outsiderâs perspective it made sense. Max was younger than Joel. You had a shared history. Perhaps he could give you things that Joel couldnât. Would you really want to spend your life taking care of an old man? Suddenly the idea of settling down with you seemed like an absolute joke.
Joel knew what some of the folks thought when they saw you as a couple. Several of the older women gave disapproving stares while you walked hand in hand down the street.Â
âHmmmph I guess we were just too mature for him.â
âJesus, even in the middle of an apocalypse, a man will still go for a hot young piece of ass.â
He was also aware of the sly winks some of the men would give him.Â
It made his skin crawl. Although you were in your mid-30s which is hardly considered a sugar baby, there was still a considerable age gap. Every ache in his body seemed to remind him of the years between you.Â
But then you would look up at him with an easy smile and those beautiful eyes that bared your soul, and all those thoughts, the people, the world melted away. Then it was only you and him, until yesterday.
With a cup of coffee in his hands, he made his way out to the porch, surprised to discover that Charlotte was already awake and sitting on the front step, with a blanket wrapped around her small frame.
âHey, there,â Joel softly said.
âIâm sorry. I hope I didnât wake you.â
âNah, Iâm used to getting up early.â Joel sat down next to your sister and took a sip of his coffee. The pair sat in silence while the sky transformed from indigo and violet to the delicate apricot and orange hues of a summer morning. Up close, Joel could see the similarities between youâthe same eye color, the same nose, even the way you twirled your hair with your finger when you were lost in thought.
Charlotte broke the silence and held up the picture of herself standing in front of a waterfall, smiling. The picture that had kept you going for years as you clung to life. âI found this. Did you make the frame?â
âI did.âÂ
âYou do good work.â She nodded and thoughtfully ran her fingers across the edges.âI canât believe she kept this.â
Joel thought back to your first few days in Jackson. You were exhausted, sleeping for 18 hours straight, the picture of your sister, almost always in your hand as if it was a security blanket. The photo had creases from where you had held it tight. âYour sister loves you very much.â
âDid she.. I mean do you knowâŚ.what happened in DC?â she whispered.
Joel nodded, swallowing down the lump that had formed in his throat. He could still remember your screams from the nightmares you had. Seeing you in such agony nearly broke him. âYeah, she did.â
Charlotte shivered and focused on a fraying thread on the blanket. âNo matter how old I was, she was always looking out for me. When I was little, I was her shadow. Following her everywhere. Crying and throwing a fit when I couldnât come along. Then life changed. We lost our parents, our grandmother, but through it all she took care of me. Even though she was hurting just as much as me. Maybe more. Henry was a monster. She sacrificed herself and her happiness for me. I never thought I would ever see her again.â She locked eyes with Joel, her face wrought with worry and guilt. âTell me, how is she?â
âSheâsâŚ.â Joel dragged his thumb across the rim of his mug, trying to think of how to describe you. How to share the overwhelming emotions that he felt for you. â...wonderful.â
âShe is?â
âYeah. I mean it took a little time to heal, but she just blossomed. Everyone in Jackson loves her. If sheâs not cooking or baking for folks, sheâs tending to the animals, looking out for the little ones. She can shoot better than anyone I know. Has read God knows how many books. Sheâs the best thing that ever happened to this place.â
âAnd to you.â Charlotte nudged him, a smile spread across her lips.
 It took a lot for Joel to get flustered, but he couldnât help the blush creeping up on his cheeks under the knowing gaze of your little sister. âOh, well IâŚâ
âIt doesnât take a rocket scientist to see how much you both care about each other. I know my sister and if sheâs with you, then you must be a pretty amazing guy.â With a wink, she stood up and made her way to the door.
Joel turned and called out, âCharlotte.â Your sister stopped in her tracks. âI am happy youâre here. Youâre welcome in this house for as long as you need.â
âThank you, Joel,â she said before closing the door behind her.
It had been a whirlwind of a month since your sister and Max arrived in Jackson. Maria had been able to find a new place for Max, but Charlotte opted to stay with you and Joel.
Even though he wasnât under your roof, you still did everything humanly possible to make Max feel welcome to Jackson. That brief conversation from his first night still lingered fresh in your mind.Â
Word had gotten out that Max was ex-Fedra from DC, making it especially difficult for him. Although he never terrorized the community as other members took such glee in doing so, it was still hard for other DC refugees to accept one of the âenemy.â With a lot of help from you, Max was starting to find his footing, proving useful in the stables and on the wall as a lookout.Â
For Charlotte, it was much easier. Over a cup of tea one evening, she explained how she had found a book on plants in an abandoned house, quickly becoming an expert at foraging the woods to make various salves and ointments. It had saved her and Maxâs lives in some instances.
You introduced her to the head of nursing at the health center. With limited staff and supplies, the doctors and nurses were desperate to pass on their knowledge as best they could. Charlotte proved to be an asset, a quick learner with an impeccable bedside manner. She wouldnât be performing open heart surgery, but could take care of those everyday aches and pains that comes with living without some modern conveniences.Â
You were grateful to be busy. Your work helped keep your mind off of Joel who had barely spoken to you. By the time you were up in the morning, he was already out of the house, not returning until late in the night, when you were asleep.Â
The first two weeks you had tried to reach out to himâstopping by his office with his favorite meal, switching duties so you could do patrols with him. But in some form or another, he always dismissed you. Either he was busy with his crew or basically ignoring you on patrol. It was evident you were getting the silent treatment. Punished for trying to welcome Max into the community.
By the third week, tired of staring at Joelâs back while he slept, you decided to sleep in the same bed as your sister. Joel never even questioned it, just watched as you grabbed your pillow and walked across the hall.
Sleeping in the same bed as your sister reminded you of when you were younger and things seemed so much simpler. Hidden under the covers, knees pressed together, whispering and giggling.
One evening the conversation turned serious, you were in utter despair over Joel and Max. Your body felt as if it was being torn in two, slowly and painfully. âJoel has barely uttered a word to me. The man canât stand to even sit with me.â
âGive him time. Joel strikes me as someone who needs to get used to change.â
âItâs been a month! How much time does the man need?! Max isnât even in the house anymore.â
Your sister bit her bottom lip, hesitantly asking the inevitable question. âDo you still have feelings for Max?â
âYesâŚno.â You sighed and hid your face behind your hands. âI donât know. It's complicated. I donât want anyone to get hurt.âÂ
Charlotte gently pulled your hands away and held them in her own. âLetâs try this. Clear your head and forget about hurting anyoneâs feelings. Take a deep breath.â She breathed deeply in and out, encouraging you to do the same. âListen to your intuition. What do you want? Who is that someone that you canât live without.â
âMax was my childhood love. He kept you safe for me. I can never repay him for that kindness. But I know that no matter what I feel for Max, itâs nothing compared to how I feel for Joel. I just need time. I need to find the right words to let them both know how I feel.â
âThen tell that to Joel. Maybe he needs some reassurance?âÂ
âI would if I could get near him. Heâs just walking around being all broody like a character from a gothic romance novel.â
âWell, you did always have a thing for Mr. Rochester,â your sister teased.
 âMr. Rochester may be a bit too moody for me. I always thought Joel was more like Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility.â
âWell you did watch that Sense and Sensibility movie like a thousand times, but I thought it was cause you had a crush on Alan Rickman.â
âWell that too.â You both giggled and talked deep into the night until your eyelids began to get heavy.
Charlotte brushed your hair back and booped the tip of your nose. âDonât worry, big sis. Everything will work itself out in the end.â
Later, you snuck out of bed, careful not to wake your sister and crept across the hall. The door to Joelâs bedroom was closed. The irony of you being emotionally and now physically shut out was not lost on you. You leaned your head against the wood frame and closed your eyes. âI love you,â you whispered. âCome back to me, please.â
After the talk with your sister, you wanted to have private conversations with Joel and Max, but you just didnât have the energy. If you werenât working, then you were in bed sleeping. You hadnât felt like yourself for daysâstomach roiling, exhausted, and thoroughly stressed.
Seth watched you like a hawk in the kitchen, taking in the bags under your eyes and the pallor of your skin. âIf youâre sick and working right now, Iâm gonnaââ
âFor the hundredth time, Iâm not sick!â you snapped. âWhy would I want to work when Iâm sick? Trust me I would rather be in bed right now but Iâm here so letâs just get this shift over with.â
Seth raised his brows in shock. You had never gotten upset with him before. In fact you both were quite fond of each other.Â
âIâm sorry. I just havenât had a chance to eat today.â
Seth grabbed a steak sandwich, usually reserved for folks going on patrol, and handed it to you. âGo. Sit. Eat.â He motioned you out to the dining area. âTake a break and come back less hangry.â
âThanks, Seth. Iâm sorry.â
 Seth winked and ruffled your hair. âIâm worried about you, kid.âÂ
You sat at an empty table, the smell of the steak made you gag, but you tried to force it down. While picking at your sandwich, you heard a familiar deep rough voice followed by a flirty laugh. Glancing up, there was Joel finishing up his lunch with Sophieâs mom. You watched as she hung on to his every word. She threw her head back and laughed again, even though from your perspective it didnât look like Joel said anything funny.
When she placed her hand on his forearm, you saw red. Smoke was practically coming out of your ears. You abruptly stood up, abandoning your sandwich, and made a beeline towards their table.
You stood right in front of them and cleared your throat, announcing your present. âJoel, may I speak to you,â you said with a tight smile before turning your gaze towards Sophieâs mom. âIn private.â
Joel wiped his mouth and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. âCan it wait till later? Iâm about to head out with Roxie.â He motioned over to Sophieâs mom.
âNo.â You arched your brow, staring him down. âIt canât.âÂ
Roxieâs eyes bounced between you both as if watching a tennis match. Joel finally relented and turned to Roxie. âFive minutes tops. Iâll meet you at the house.â Â
You headed out of the dining hall with Joel trudging behind, not stopping until you were at the side of the building where there was some privacy. Joel stood there, hands on his hips, expectantly waiting for you to say something.
âWhat are you doing?â you finally blurted out.
âWhat does it look like Iâm doing?â
You scoffed. âWell right now it looks like youâre in the middle of a date.â
Joel rolled his eyes. âJesus, itâs not a date. Iâm just helping out Roxie. She came up to my table while I was eating.â
You made a face at what was ,in your opinion, the dumbest name you had ever heard. âRoxie? Really?â
âShe asked me to work on a project for Sophie.â
âA project⌠such bull shit,â you muttered while kicking a rock with the toe of your shoe.
âExcuse me?!â Joel barked, a prominent vein in his neck throbbing.
You took a step closer until you were toe to toe with him. âIs that why youâve been avoiding me? Is she the reason why youâre coming home late?â
âYouâre overreacting,â he snarled.
âWhat do you expect Joel when you donât speak to me, wonât come near me. I guess Iâm supposed to just let you go off and fuck anyone that bats their lashes at you!â you retorted.
Joel shook his head, his jaw clenched, the expression on his face a grim mixture of disappointment and sadness.âIâm not gonna talk to you when youâre like this. I have things to do.âÂ
âFine,â you shouted to his back as he walked away, the tears you had been holding in, finally spilling over. âDonât let me get in the way with all your projects!âÂ
You choked out a sob and ran, needing a moment to compose yourself before stepping back into the kitchen. Not wanting to cause a scene in front of everyone, you kept your head down, trying to quell your tears. You were just about to enter the stables, petting the horses always made you feel better, when you abruptly bumped into a large warm muscular body.Â
âHey!â Max smiled. âI was just looking for you.â He stopped upon noticing your bloodshot eyes and quivering lip. âWhatâs wrong?â Your face crumpled and you collapsed into him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Everything that you had held in over the past several weeks came spilling out with no way to stop.
Your tears wetted the front of Maxâs shirt as he led you into the stables. âShhhh, itâs gonna be ok.â He enveloped you in a hug, rubbing your back in soothing circles.
âI donât know whatâs wrong with me,â you wailed, near hysterics, only able to get a few words out between your tears. âJoelâŚRoxie..Dumb nameâŚProjectsâŚJoel!â
Max held you in his arms until you began to calm down. âMaybe this is for the best,â he murmured in your ear.
A record scratched in your brain and you pulled away from his touch. âWhat?â you sniffled.
âI know what you said about being with Joel, but maybe this is a sign. A sign that we couldâŚthat we should pick up where we left off. I want to be with you.â Max tried to pull you into another embrace but you pulled away.
âOh MaxâŚIâm sorryâŚI canât.âÂ
âSo youâd rather shack up with some old man that doesnât even appreciate you?!â
âDonât say that about Joel! Itâs not like that. Weâre justââ
âDo you love me?â
You were silent. For days you had been planning exactly how you were going to let Max down. Now that the time had come, you were quickly losing the nerve to follow through. Confrontation was never your strong suit.
âDo you love me? Or was everything we went through in DC just a lie.â
 âYouâre my dearest friend,â you said, your voice barely above a whisper.
Max ran a hand through his dark curly hair, exasperated. âA friend?!â
âMax, please. I love you. You know I do. Itâs justââ
âSo why canât we be together!?â
âBecause it's different. Iâm different. IâŚ.â You took a deep breath with finality. âI love Joel.â
Unable to bear the pain in Maxâs face, you stepped away, focusing on the horses instead. âIt was us.â He stepped closer and gently cupped your face, his eyes pleading for you to understand. âIt was always supposed to be us. You and me.â
You blinked back the tears quickly forming behind your eyes. âMax, youâre breaking my heart.â
âNo. Youâre breaking mine.â His face inched closer and closer to yours until you could feel his warm breath on your skin. Your heart hammered in your chest. Ever so gently, he placed a kiss on the corner of your mouth.
âMax, no,â you whispered.
But he ignored it and kissed your cheek. âNo,â you mouthed. Every ânoâ was followed by a kissâyour nose, your forehead, the spot right below your ear.Â
Your body was frozen. Your brain was screaming to get out. To push him away but your feet felt like they were stuck in cement. Maxâs soft touch. Joel pushing you away. It all made for a deadly cocktail.
Finally he traced your bottom lip with his thumb. âNo, you breathed, but when he kissed you, you kissed back.
It was only 3 secondsâŚmaybe 5, enough time for the damage to be done. The stable door swung open, revealing Joel. You and Max immediately separated. Joelâs face was in utter anguish before he quickly regained his composure. Silent and resigned, he simply turned on his heel and walked away.
âJoel, wait!â You ran outside after him.Â
Max called out your name and tried to grab your arm, only this time when you shouted âNoâ you meant it and he backed away.
Your eyes wildly searched among the crowd of people in the town square until you spied his broad back. âJoel! Please!â Your shouts were futile. You might as well have been screaming at a brick wall. Joel ignored your pleas and walked away.
You would have followed him had it not been for Seth calling out your name. âI told you to take a break, not half the day off. Letâs go. We gotta clean up after the lunch rush,â Seth said.
As soon as your shift ended, you went in search of Joel. You looked everywhereâthe construction sites, his office, even Tommy and Maria hadnât seen him. The last place to search was the house.Â
âHello! Anyone here?â you shouted, going from room to room. âJoel? Charlie?â But you were only greeted with silence. A note on the kitchen counter from Charlotte told you she was working the night shift at the health center and wouldnât be back until tomorrow morning. And Joel? He was probably seeking comfort in the arms of Roxie. Who could blame him after what he had witnessed.
You were left alone with your thoughts. Thoughts that ate away at you piece by piece. Your hypocrisy. Your selfishness. Why did you even do it? It was a moment of weakness. A moment when you needed to cling to something or someone familiar. Something that would ground you. But that comfort was a facade. It tricked you and sent you tumbling to the ground.
Now more than ever you knew it was Joel. It was always Joel. Max was your past and you would always have a deep and true love for him but it paled in comparison to how you felt about Joel.Â
Joel had pulled you out of the ashes, loved you in a way that you had never experienced before. Your heart, every fiber of your being was tied to him. Max saw you as the girl you once were, but Joel saw you as the woman you are now.Â
Now it was time to own up to your mistake. You were determined to speak to Joel that night. You camped out on the porch for hours, the full moon high in the sky, rocking back and forth in the rocking chair. Sipping on a cup of coffee in the hopes that it would keep you awake. If it took all night until Joel came home then so be it.
Finally, the familiar footsteps came up the driveway. Joel had his head down, his shoulders hunched as if the whole world was being balanced on top of him. As he came up the steps, you noticed how weary he looked. Were those dried tear tracks on his cheeks? You abruptly stood up and blocked the door, effectively halting him in his tracks.
âPlease, we need to talk.â
âAlright, letâs hear it.â
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