just like the moon

“Usa la espalda, hijo. (Use your back, son.)” Chucho’s voice ringed in Javier’s ears. The two men putting back up a fence that fell during a recent storm.

“Lo entendí, papá. (I got it, dad.)” Javier replies, making sure the wooden post is secure in the dirt.

“Thank you,” Chucho breathes out, placing his hands on his hips to admire their handiwork.

Just then, a familiar car pulls up, the gravel driveway crunching under the wheels before the car is parked. Javier lifts his head, taking off his yellow aviators to watch you get out of the car. You don’t look in his general direction, too focused on getting your daughter and her stuff out of the car.

He can hear you speaking cheerfully to her, both in Spanish and English. It reminds him of the good times the two of you had before the messy divorce. Neither of you necessarily did anything wrong, you just weren’t meant for each other in the end, and decided to go your separate ways.

For the sake of your daughter, you and Javier have shared custody over her. You get her one week and he gets her the next. The two of you have been doing fine with co-parenting. As well as two exes can be, that is.

A bead of sweat rolls down Javier’s temple, and he removes his gloves to wipe it.

“Intenta no enfurruñarte demasiado. (Try not to sulk too much.)” Chucho says, earning a huff from Javier before his daughter starts running up the driveway.

“Papá!” the girl yells, wrapping her chubby little arms around Javier’s leg.

Javier grunts as he bends over to pick her up, “Hola, dulce niña. (Hi, sweet girl.)”

She wraps her limbs around him as best as she can, giving him a big hug. “Me and mamá brought crafts!”

A grin spreads across Javier’s face, “Yeah?” he asks, watching her nod eagerly. “Why don’t you show your abuelo while I talk to your mom, okay?”

Reluctantly, she agrees, planting her feet on the ground before she’s running towards Chucho, giving him the same amount of love. Slowly, you walk up to Javier, your arms crossed over your chest, your daughter’s backpack hung over your shoulder.

“Llegas tarde de nuevo. (You’re late again.)” Javier states, narrowing his eyes just a fraction.

“Hello to you, too, Javier,” you spit out.

“I thought we agreed to have her with me by noon. It’s almost 2.”

“She wanted to go to the store to buy arts and crafts so she could have fun with her father. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Tell her no?”

Javier sighs deeply, placing his hands on his hips, “No.”

“Okay then. Don’t act like that with me.”

His lips press into a fine line before he hooks his aviators into his shirt. For a moment, your gaze drifts down to his chest—golden skin with sweat dripping down from his neck into the purple fabric stretched across his broad frame. 

Your mind flashes back to the passionate nights the two of you had before everything fell apart. The whispered promises, the nail marks you’d leave on his back, the hickies he’d leave on your inner thighs. Ultimately ending with the two of you wrapped up in each other like there was no escaping. An unfamiliar pang stabs at your heart, your thighs involuntarily pressing together before you look away from him.

“How’s she been?” Javier breaks the silence, his voice soft and quiet.

“How do you think she’s been? She misses her father.”

“And what about you, huh?” he suddenly asks, taking a step closer to you.

“What about me, Javier?” you don’t back down—you never did, which is why your arguments almost always escalated without fail.

“Do you miss me? Or you still hate me for all the shit that you caused?”

“Me?” you ask with raised eyebrows, pointing at yourself. “You are so goddamn full of yourself,” you scoff, turning around to walk back to your car.

The gravel crunches under Javier’s boots as he follows after you, suppressed anger starting to rise to the surface after so long. “You believed the bullshit that your friends told you, over me!”

“You didn’t give me much of a choice, Javier,” you turn around, his body nearly colliding into yours. “Where were you when I needed you?” you don’t wait for his answer, “Oh, that’s right, you were out getting drunk instead of coming home.”

“To avoid this,” he points between your two bodies, “It was always an argument with you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have given me a reason to argue with you.”

Briefly your gaze travels behind him to make sure your daughter and Chucho are inside before you take a step closer, crowding his space. His musky scent travels to your nostrils, the smell of wood, nicotine, whiskey, and sweat making your head a little fuzzy.

“You stopped coming home at night,” you pause, watching him avert your gaze, “And that was well before I even gave birth.”

It was easy for the two of you to fall back into this pattern again. It’s all you’ve known for the last six years now. Pain and suffering. Not knowing if he was dead in a ditch somewhere because he got too drunk and couldn’t drive himself home.

Javier was your first love. You’ll always love him, but you can’t go through that again. Having a child changed everything, and she’ll continue to be the only thing holding you and Javier together.

“We’ve gone through this plenty of times before, Jav,” you hand him your daughter’s backpack. “I’ll see you next week.”

He takes the bag, not meeting your eyes again before you get back into your car. You don’t see it, but his eyes don’t leave your car until you’re well down the road. Somehow his soul feeling like a piece of it was being taken away from him.

Biting the inside of his cheek, he turns around to go inside the ranch, the door creaking from overuse. His daughter’s laughter echoes within the walls, filling him with a sense of warmth as he drops her bag on the couch.

She’s sitting at the dining table with Chucho, her art supplies scattered across the table as she colors on a piece of paper. 

“Look daddy!” she says once she spots him in the doorway, holding up her drawing.

Javier smiles softly, stepping into the room and dropping down on one knee to take the paper. As he studies it, he feels his throat tightening. It’s a drawing of all four of you standing in front of the ranch, little animals drawn in the background.

Her smile falters for a moment when she sees Javier’s teary eyes, a small frown forming on her face. “Did mama leave already?”

He looks over at her, placing the drawing on the table, and picking her up so he can sit in the chair with her in his lap. “Yeah, mi vida. But she’ll be back next week,” he pauses, pushing her unruly curls back, “She always comes back.”

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she murmurs, “She misses you.”

Javier’s breath stutters, his hand rubbing soothing circles on his daughter’s back. He looks over at his dad, who gives him a sad smile in return.

“I miss her, too,” Javier whispers after a moment.

Around 8PM, Javier takes his bundle of joy to his own house. After the divorce, you ended up moving out and getting your own apartment in town, leaving Javier alone in a big empty house. It would’ve been the house the both of you were going to build your family in, but now it’s just where Javier showers and sleeps.

His daughter is sleeping soundly against him, the day’s activities catching up to her finally. He unlocks the door, carefully holding his girl and her things as he walks through the threshold. Leaving the door open with his foot, he reaches to turn on a small lamp on the entryway table.

He’s left the house untouched since the split, the place still nicely decorated with your touch. The lamp fills the small space with warm light, Javier closing the door with a soft click and locking it. Carefully, he takes his daughter and everything upstairs to her bedroom. He’d worry about giving her a bath in the morning since she’s completely slumped against him right now.

Automatically, she curls up against her teddy bear when he tucks her in, the one that has both yours and his voice in it telling her how much you love her. A long while ago, Javier sprayed a bit of both his cologne and your perfume on it, so in a sense, the both of you were always with her. 

He turns on her skylight and white noise machine, and leaves the door open three inches before he heads back downstairs. His feet heavily carry him to the kitchen, his body itching for a glass of whiskey to wash away his sorrows. 

It’s not clear when exactly the shift in your relationship happened, but he knows that it went on for far too long before either of you built up the courage to ask for a divorce. It was better to hold onto it rather than face the world without you on his side. He feels like a teenager again, aimlessly wandering the world, and hoping that someone else picks up the pieces he’s left behind.

But dating has been the last thing on his mind. You’re the only person he’s ever given his heart and soul to, and he’s afraid of even thinking about giving it to someone else. Growing up, all he knew was his parents’ love for one another. They had their first everything with each other, and that’s what Javier had with you. He just didn’t know that it also included a first divorce.

Neither of you were perfect–he knew that–but you were perfect for him. If this was the only way to keep you in his life, then so be it. He’ll handle it as best as he can for the sake of your daughter. 

The brown liquor stings his throat as it goes down, him automatically pouring another two fingers of whiskey, and downing it in one go. Two glasses was his limit, so he placed the glass in the sink and put the bottle away before plopping onto the couch with a heavy sigh.

He allowed himself to close his eyes momentarily, and dream of how different life could’ve been if the two of you knew how to communicate properly.

“I’m home!” Javier calls out, tossing his keys into the ceramic bowl you demanded to have on the entryway table.

The smell of Fricase de Pollo filling his nostrils before he hears tiny little feet padding on the hardwood floor. “Daddy!” his daughter yells out, popping out from the living room archway.

“Hola, mi amor,” Javier beams, picking her up easily and blowing raspberries on her clothed stomach.

Her giggles fill the house as he walks deeper inside, finding you in the kitchen hovering over the stove. Soft Spanish music plays on the radio, filling him with a sense of contentment.

You glance over your shoulder at your two loves, a soft smile on your face while you take your attention off the food momentarily. “Hi,” you greet him softly, quietly.

He greets you just the same, leaning down to press his lips to yours for a long moment. Just kissing you spreads warmth throughout his body, his mind getting lost in the sensation of your body against his as he deepens the kiss.

“Yuck!”

Only when your daughter makes a comment do you both pull apart, laughing. “What do you mean ‘yuck’?” he feigns offense.

She giggles, wrapping her arms tighter around Javier’s neck. “Kissing is gross,” she scrunches up her face in the most adorable way, shaking her head.

Javier smirks faintly, “Is that what you think?”

Your daughter nods, standing on her opinion.

“Well then,” Javier starts, “I guess you don’t mind if I do this–”

He covers her face in kisses, her giggles growing more obnoxious by the second. 

Javier’s phone ringing jolts him out of his thoughts, exhaling slowly before he sits up. Without looking at his phone, he answers. “Hello?”

It’s quiet on the other side of the line for a long moment, and he almost debates hanging up.

“I don’t even know why I’m callin’ you,” you murmur, grabbing Javier’s attention.

“Hey,” he says gently, sitting up straighter. He can hear your tone of voice, it’s that quiet, distant tone you get when you’ve been thinking about something too hard. “You okay?”

He’s not sure if it’s still his place to check up on you, but the question comes out before he really thinks about it.

You huff softly, “Am I okay?” you pause, “I’ve never been okay, Javier.”

“Have you been drinking?” he asks quietly, biting the inside of his cheek.

Chuckling softly, you respond with your free hand up in mock surrender, “You caught me.”

Javier sighs deeply, “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

“No, I’m fine,” you claim, “You still keep that stupid skylight on for her. Y’know, she’ll never sleep in the dark if you keep doin’ that.”

He furrows his brows at that, his gaze lifting to the curtain covered windows. The small southern accent you suddenly have isn’t lost on him, but he’s more worried about where you are. Slowly, he walks over to the window, peeking out the curtain to find your car sitting idly by the curb.

“How long have you been sitting outside?” he asks as he’s actively making his way to the front door.

“Not that long,” you murmur, watching the front door open.

Just seeing his silhouette causes your heartbeat to pick up a bit, buried feelings starting to rise to the surface. Your emotions were always heightened when you were drunk, and there’s no exception tonight. You hang up the phone, rolling down the passenger's side window. 

Javier pockets his own phone, leaning into your car to speak to you. “Do you wanna come in?”

You shake your head slowly, a sluggish smile on your lips. “Just wanted to stop by ‘fore I went home.”

He frowns deeply, reaching in to unlock the doors. You watch, amused as he rounds your car and opens the driver’s side door. He pulls your car keys out of the ignition and unbuckles your seatbelt. “Out.”

“No–”

“Don’t make me drag you inside.”

You huff quietly, grumbling under your breath as you stumble out of the car. Before you walk up to the door, you watch him pocket your car keys. “Can I just–”

“No,” he cuts you off, crowding your space to urge you to move. “Go.”

Reluctantly, you walk towards the front door after staring him down. You guess you’re not as threatening or convincing when you’re drunk, because Javier walks right past you to go to the kitchen. You hear glasses clinking, water running, and then his boots on the hardwood floor as he walks back towards the living room.

“Drink,” he hands you the glass, eyeing you like a hawk.

“I don’t need the one word commands, Javier.” You take small sips of the water, letting the cool liquid put out the fire burning beneath your skin.

He huffs, shaking his head slowly before he turns around. “Unbelievable,” he mutters under his breath, sitting down on the couch.

Silence washes over the two of you. You’re not sure how long you’ve been standing and drinking your water, but Javier’s gaze is elsewhere. Like he can’t even stand the thought of looking at you right now.

You press your lips into a fine line before you down the rest of the glass. “Can I have my keys back?” you ask, holding out your hand.

Javier finally looks at you again, studying your mannerisms to see how drunk you still are. “Why should you get them back?”

“Javier,” you sigh, “you don’t want me here, and I don’t want to be here. So why don’t we just skip the theatrics so I can go home and get some sleep.”

“I can’t keep an eye on you if you go,” he states, earning an eye roll from you.

“Jesus–”

“You’re a mother. You have responsibilities–”

“I know that!” you exclaim, but he keeps going.

“and our daughter expects you to be there 100% of the time. Why the fuck would you go out and get drunk on a weekday?”

“No,” you point at him, “you don’t get to judge me. You coming home with the stench of alcohol on your clothes was constant–”

“Oh, here we go again–”

“No, you let me fucking finish. You had responsibilities when we were together. You disappeared on me the second you saw those two pink lines, and what did I do? I stayed and dealt with your fucking bullshit because you were the only thing that I knew.”

Javier stands, towering over you. “Maybe I shouldn’t have been. I know damn well that you wouldn’t have wanted to see me drunk out of my mind every night.”

“I have loved you since we were 16,” you shake your head slowly, “You don’t think I’ve seen every side of you?”

“I didn’t know what you wanted from me–”

“I wanted you to want me again!” You burst out, sniffling while trying to gain your bearings again, “That’s what I’ve always been trying to fucking tell you.”

“What?” Javier asks, bewildered.

“Do you know what it feels like to not be desired by your husband anymore? After carrying his baby for nine months, only to become a second thought afterwards.” You take a deep breath, barely able to hold the tears threatening to spill over.

“Is that what you think of me?” he asks, almost hesitantly.

“You don’t look at me the same anymore. You look at me like I’m some sort of monster for tearing our family apart—“ you choke back a sob, the tears you were trying so hard to fight finally spilling over.

You turn around, but Javier immediately pulls you back into his chest. The moment he does that, it’s nothing beautiful about your crying anymore. It’s all loud sobs, snot, and coughs as you soak the front of his shirt.

But Javier doesn’t complain. He just holds you protectively. One hand in your hair while the other one rubs soothing circles on your back. Your body shakes with the force of your sobs, your hands clutching desperately at the man you once tried so hard to push away. 

He presses his lips against the top of your head, breathing you in but also pressing you closer against his body. Trying to give you as much comfort as possible.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers against your hair, “I’m so fucking sorry, cariño.”

There it is. The name you’ve longed to hear since the divorce. Just hearing it makes you sob harder against him, your breathing getting a little difficult to maintain.

“Breathe, baby,” Javier murmurs, “I’m right here.”

Suddenly, you shove at him, nearly knocking the air from his lungs. “No!”

You weakly swing at him, letting out hushed curses while streams of tears still tumble down your face. “You were never there for me then!”

Javier stands still, letting you get everything out, letting you beat on his chest like a bongo until exhaustion takes over your body again, and you slump against him.

Wrecked sobs still escape you, along with a few hiccups every now and then. He keeps his hand in your hair, his lips pressed against the top of your head, your temple, your forehead–anywhere he can reach to soothe you.

Only when your grip on his shirt weakens does he exhale, feeling your arms wrap around his waist. He doesn’t even think to let you go, only holding you closer, pressing your ear right against his chest so his heartbeat can soothe you.

Immediately, you melt into him. Too casually. Too normal for this to be happening between two exes.

But it feels so right.

Neither of you pull away. Neither of you say anything. He just holds you, protectively – like his life depends on it.

One of you should back away eventually, but Javier can’t find the guts to when you hold him tighter, the exact same way you used to. He strokes your hair gently, murmuring against it, “I’m sorry, cariño. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m sorry that you think I don’t love you anymore.”

You finally pull back, wiping your face before you glare up at him. He can see the familiar fire beginning to burn behind your eyes again in real time.

“It’s a little too late for sorries now, isn’t it?”

Before Javier can even get another word in, another voice cuts in.

“Mama?”

Both of you look down at your daughter, neither of you even heard her come down the stairs, and she was clutching her teddy bear in her arms.

“Hey, mi amor,” you say gently, kneeling down to speak to her. “What are you still doing up?”

Her little hand comes up to wipe under your eye, “You were crying,” she murmurs.

You smile faintly, wrapping your hand around her wrist to press your lips against it. “I’m fine, honey. I need to speak to your daddy, though. So you need to go back to your room, okay?”

She frowns deeply, looking up at Javier. “Are you guys going to make up?”

Her innocent question nearly crushes your heart, but you somehow manage to keep it together for the time being. “We’re talking, yeah.”

“Abuelo Chucho says that the proper way to make up with our loved ones is to hug and kiss, papá. Did you and mama do that?”

You glance up at Javier, watching him bite the inside of his cheek.

“Did he now?” he quietly asks, earning a nod from your daughter.

“And he said that you and mama will always love each other no matter what.”

You hum in acknowledgement, smiling faintly while you brush her unruly curls back. “Guess I need to have a little chat with Chucho then, huh?”

She crosses her arms over her chest, holding her bear close to her heart. “No!” she suddenly bursts out, “Abuelo is right!”

Javier says her name once, warning her. “Is that any way to speak to your mother?”

She pouts, “I’m sorry. I just don’t like when you guys are fighting.”

And she didn’t even know half of it.

You slowly stand up, Javier watching you intentionally putting distance between the two of you. That alone feels like a stab to the heart. You’re standing so close, and yet, you feel so far away from him. He has to resist the urge to pull you right back into his chest again.

Your daughter looks up at you, anticipation filling her big brown eyes. It’s almost enough to make you give in to her pleading. 

“Mi amor,” you say quietly, gently, “your dad and I have a lot to work out–”

“Just one kiss, mama,” she cuts you off, pleading, “Please.”

You exhale slowly, your gaze drifting towards Javier. Just looking at him after everything that’s happened has your heart feeling heavy. Like it’s ready to escape from your chest just to avoid being broken again.

He doesn’t move. Not until he sees or hears you give your consent. When you nod slowly, the both of you close the space between you cautiously. Your daughter watches with bated breath as you and Javier press your lips against one another’s after so long.

It steals all the air from your lungs for a second, then it’s warm and familiar. It almost feels like home.

Javier’s hands come up to cup your face gently, breathing in deep because this might be the very last time the two of you ever do this. He wants to savour it. Keep it locked away in his memories like it’s something sacred.

And to him, it is something sacred.

You’re something sacred.

The love you feel for Javier rises to the surface quickly. Nearly suffocating your heart to the point where it hurts to beat. And yet, you don’t pull back from him.

When Javier’s lips leave yours, you nearly chase them, but he doesn’t go very far as he presses his forehead to yours. Your breathing is in sync. Both of you breathing heavily while the feelings settle–or try to, at least.

Even your daughter is eerily quiet. Maybe she’s smiling, you don’t know, but when Javier opens his mouth to speak, you almost smile.

“If you’ll have me,” he whispers, “I’ll do better, I promise. I miss you, cariño, and I want to fix things. I want to go back to the way that we were.”

Are his words enough for you to believe him?

part 2

᯽ tags: @missladym1981 , @kirsteng42 , @mcthsman , @the-sophverse , @rosharanfiction , @cuteanimalmama , @harriedandharassed , @madpanda75 , @shadowqueen2024 , @picketniffler , @kokoluwie , @reedispunk , @milla-frenchy , @missadangel , @gothcsz , @kaliisapunk28 , @sawymredfox , @baronessvonglitter , @hanahleah , @la-vie-est-une-fleur29

dividers by @/saradika-graphics

“It’s your lucky day, Peña!” 

Javier glanced up from the pile of paperwork scattered across his desk to acknowledge the voice coming from the doorway to his office. 

“What do you want, Carter?” 

Javier's voice half grunted in response, his eyes shifting back down to the pile of papers on his desk. In his doorway stood his office mate, Detective Eric Carter. When Javier began his new position with the Laredo County Sheriff's Department 4 months ago, it took everything in him to keep from calling his new co-worker Steve. At a glance, he looked just like his old DEA partner. Tall, lanky, with a wiry head of blonde hair and bright blue eyes. 30 seconds into meeting Carter, it didn’t take long to realize looks were about the only thing he and Steve Murphy had in common. Eric Carter was a human ray of fucking sunshine, and his chipper demeanor was blinding Javier this early in the morning. 

“It’s your turn!” Carter replied in a sing-songy voice, slapping a red file folder onto Javier’s desk, covering the papers he had been sorting through. Javier picked up the folder and crinkled his brows in confusion. He turned the cover towards him, holding it just far enough away so that his squint trying to read its contents wasn’t too obvious. God, he just needed to give up and buy reading glasses already. 

As he got the folder just the right distance away from his face, he gave Carter a look that said absolutely fucking not. The folder read D.A.R.E school assembly lessons, with a picture of the Lion mascot giving a big thumbs up in his black D.A.R.E shirt. The office had recently been recruited by Laredo Public School District to start giving presentations to the Elementary schools, using the program aptly abbreviated for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. 

“Just take away the “R” and rearrange some letters and it spells DEA!” Carter laughed to himself. “It’s like it was made for you!” 

“No.” 

“Sorry Peña, you’re bottom of the totem pole this week. We’ve all done our time, and you’re the last one left in the office who has yet to go present. It’s not even that bad, you just basically go talk to these kids for an hour and tell them drugs are bad, don’t do them, yadda, yadda, yadda, you get the gist, and then it’s done. Piece of cake!” 

“I’m not fucking going.” Javier scoffed. “I have shit I have to get done.” Gesturing in annoyance to the piles of papers on his desk, now in disarray from the folder being thrown on his desk. 

“Not a choice, Mr. Peña.” 

A new voice passed by the doorway, and a much broader frame stood behind Carter’s. Chief Deputy Dean Morris, had joined the conversation, knowing that it wouldn’t end easily for Detective Carter if he kept harassing Javier about it. Morris was head of the department, and what he said, went. Coming from a background in the Air Force, Morris knew how “civilian” a position at a sheriff’s department must have felt for Javier after his time in the DEA. 5 years ago, it seemed fair to think that neither of them would have assumed paperwork, mundane training programs, and now, arguing over talking to 10 year olds about the dangers of doing drugs would have played any importance in their jobs. 

 “Right of passage. Ever since the school board dropped this on us last year, we’ve all done our time. Believe me, no one wants to do it, but like Carter said, today is your lucky day!” Morris’s voice oozed with sarcasm, knowing that Javier would absolutely hate every second of what he was about to have to do. 

“You lucked out on your day to go too, Peña. It looks like you get to go to the school with the hot teach-OW! Hey! What was that for?!” Morris had slapped Carter’s shoulder before he could get out the rest of his sentence. 

“Keep it in your pants, okay Carter?” 

Carter let out a huff of defeat. “I’m just saying, he could have gotten worse days to go…” 

“Just read from the notes, let the kids ask a couple of questions at the end and then you’re on your way. Easy peasy. When you get to the school office they’ll let you know where to go.” 

Javier opened his mouth to rebuttal, but before he could even get out a word, Morris held up his hand to stop him. 

“Not a choice. I’ll have Carter help you finish sorting paperwork, so don’t try to bullshit me and tell me that you have too much work to get done.” 

Javier let out a sigh of frustration that was a little louder than he intended it to be. His hands rested on his forehead as he rubbed the bridge of his nose before replying. 

“Fine. But this is one and done.” 

“Good man.” Morris reached over Javier’s desk and gave him a pat on the shoulder. He and Carter started to make their way out of Javier’s office when Morris turned his head over the back of his shoulder. 

“Carter’s right about the teacher, too. She’s a catch.” He winked and shut the door behind him. 

Javier gathered his things and made his way through the office, passing by Detective Carter’s desk. 

“Have funnnnnnn! Say ‘hi’ to the hot teacher for me!” Carter mocked, twinkling his fingers, waving at Javier. 

Without saying a word, Javier flipped him off, and kept walking. 

Settling into his truck, Javier set down his belongings in his passenger seat, and opened up the red file folder to see where his unexpected journey was taking him. 

This is fucking ridiculous He mouthed to himself as he cranked up the AC in the truck with one hand, and rummaged the other through the items on the seat. Reaching next to him, he grabbed and opened the folder, and grazed his index finger down the inside cover, where a schedule of schools, dates, and times were printed. At the bottom, he found 

5/27/97- Alma Pierce Elementary School, 12:00-12:30 pm, school cafeteria

 Javier’s heart sank to the bottom of his stomach. He read the line several times, re-checking the location and date to make sure what he read was true. 

Fuck. 

To any of his other co-workers who had been tasked with giving one of these D.A.R.E. presentations, the elementary school they were assigned to that day most likely held little to no significance. Of course, out of the 16 elementary schools in the Laredo Public School District, Javier was assigned to the one that held the most significance to him. 

The school that his mother taught at for her entire teaching career before she passed away. 

Since returning home from Colombia, Javier had been avoiding human contact like the plague. He had returned as somewhat of a “hometown hero” after his accomplishments with the DEA but couldn’t have felt further from it. He had become Laredo’s hottest topic. 

“What was it like to help catch Escobar?! The Cali Cartel?!” 

“We’re so proud of you, the DEA couldn’t have done it without you!”

“When are you going to come over and tell us all about Colombia? We want to know everything!” 

Each question, compliment and conversation about his time in South America was like a knife to his heart, slowly twisting with each word that came out of someone’s mouth. He could feel the guilt and burden of his time away growing heavier and heavier as he politely smiled through these conversations. 

But worse than the strangers who felt entitled to berate Javier about his time in Colombia, were his friends and family who he had been actively avoiding since returning home. Besides his father, Javier hadn’t seen anyone close to him since his mother’s funeral 8 years ago. It hurt Javier knowing that he had returned to Laredo a changed man, haunted by the things he had seen and done. His mother’s closest friends, those that she worked with at Alma Pierce Elementary School, had promised to fulfill Lucia Peña’s dying wish that they would look out for Javi and made sure that he came home okay. 

Well, Javier was home. He wasn’t quite sure how to break it to them that he wasn’t really okay. 

As he drove and parked in front of the school building, Javier’s heart began to beat heavier in his chest. His fingers drummed on the steering wheel as he started at the entrance to the school. He couldn’t decide if the feeling swirling around in his stomach was comfort or terror, knowing that Alma Pierce Elementary looked exactly the same as it did the last time he was here 9 years ago with his mother. 

He did know that part of that feeling definitely had to be terror, as he began to think about the fact he was about to be interrogated relentlessly by his late mother’s closest friends. Might as well sign these women up to work for the DEA- they were probably more terrifying than anyone Javier had encountered in his time working there. 

After a few more deep breaths, Javier gathered his things out of his truck and headed towards the main doors. Each footstep felt like he was walking through wet cement, questioning if it was too late to turn around.

Practically tip toeing in to the office, hoping to be as inconspicuous as possible, Javier let out a soft “Hi, I’m from the sheriff's department, I’m here for-“ 

Before he could even finish his sentence, the office secretary, a tiny and graying Señora Gutierez was thrusting her arms across the threshold of the office desk to wrap Javier in an impressively strong hug. 

“JAVIER PEÑA. I cannot believe it’s you! oh my sweet mijo, look at you! The older you get, the more like Chucho you look, dios mio! Why haven’t you stopped by?! We have all missed you so much, what have you been doing? It is so good to see you!” 

Here we go.

“Hola, Señora.” Javier half grunted from how tight he was being squeezed. “It’s nice to see you too.” 

“I have lots to ask but I know you need to go, or they will know that this old woman has been running her mouth, making you late.” Señora Gutiérrez began shooing her hand, as to send Javier on his way. 

Javier chuckled. He felt his body begin to ease slightly, letting the familiarity of friendly faces bring him a small sense of comfort. 

“I would hope after this VERY LONG time that you have not been to see your mamà’s dearest friends, you still remember where the cafeteria is?” She gave Javier a playful grin.

“Sí, Señora.” 

“Everyone will be so happy to see you, mi amor. Now go, or everyone will be after me for keeping you!” 

Grabbing his things, Javier made his way down the bustling hallway. Tiny faces stared up at his, as he shuffled his way towards the cafeteria doors. There, he was greeted by a sea of children chatting amongst themselves and 3 smiling faces, patiently waiting for his arrival. 

“JAVI!” 

Out of any of the faces he was bound to see today, these were the 3 he would recognize anywhere. The ladies who stood before him were the fellow 3rd grade teachers who had taught alongside his mother for almost 20 years. 

The ladies surrounded him in a bear hug, Javier quietly noting to himself that he had definitely reached his hug quota for the next several weeks. 

“It’s so good to see you, Javi.” The first of the 3 women spoke, her words sweet like honey. Linda Garcia was short and stout, her gray bangs brushing over the brim of her glasses as she looked up at Javier. Linda had always had a soft spot for Javi, and reminded him the most of his mother. 

“It’s good to see you t-“ 

“PENDEJO. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! WHY HAVE YOU NOT CALLED?! WE SWORE TO YOUR LATE MOTHER THAT WE WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOU, AND IF IT WASN’T FOR CHUCHO KEEPING US UPDATED TH-” 

“Maria, let the boy breathe, this is the first time you’re seeing him in years, and this is the route you’re going to take? Dios Mio.” 

Standing next to Linda were her 2 partners in crime, Maria Rogers and Estelle Lopez. 

If you didn’t know Maria Rogers, you would be shocked to see the ferocity that came out of such a tiny woman. Javier’s mother used to refer to her “el vòlcan”- a matching nickname for her fiery personality. 

Estelle, on the other hand, was one of the most soft spoken people that Javier had ever meant. If she had something to say, he knew it was time to listen. 

“Hi everyone, it’s really great to see all of you.” Javier meant it. As overwhelmed and flustered as he was, it brought him peace to know after the hell that these last 8 years had been, some things never change. 

“MRS. ROGERSSSSSSS. WHEN IS THIS GONNA START?! I’M HUNGRY AND I KNOW LUNCH IS AFTER THIS.” 

“BE QUIET, MICHAEL. YOU KNOW WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR ONE MORE CLASS. YOU’RE SO ANNOYING.” 

“AM NOT!” 

“AM TOO!” 

Chatter and fidgeting amongst the 3rd graders instantaneously increased, the crowd of children now growing restless. 

“Oi, these niños will be the death of me, thank goodness this school is almost done.” Maria mumbled under her breath, the other 2 teachers rolling their eyes and laughing in agreement. “We’re just waiting on one more class, but they should be here any minute.” 

Overhearing the conversations shouted across the cafeteria, Agent Carter’s voice wandered through Javier’s thoughts. 

“You get the school with the hot teacher!” 

Obviously, Carter was not referring to the 3 women who stood before him. Although he wasn’t one for crude office banter, Javier couldn’t help but wonder if Carter’s statement really held true. With a genuine curiosity and a slight smirk on his face, he leaned back, arms crossed and asked, “Yeah wait, there’s still four 3rd grade teachers right?” 

The women all shot him a look that took him aback, their eyes burning a hole though Javier. 

“Jesus, you men really have a one track mind don’t you. Yes, I’m sure all of your friends from the department have been more than happy to tell you about our new teacher who just joined us. She is a sweet girl, and I am sure she is sick of getting harassed by all of you.” 

“Maria, I was just asking a quest-“ 

“Javier Jesus Peña, I have known you since before you were born. Wipe that smug look off your face, I know exactly why you asked the question”. 

Yup, things haven’t changed a bit. 

Before he could retort, the cafeteria doors began to swing open, followed by a long line of children, and you. 

“1, 2, 3, eyes on me!” 

“1, 2, eyes on you! 

God, the amount of times you’d had to repeat that phrase as the end of the school year approached, you might as well have gotten it tattooed on your forehead. 

“Okay 3rd graders, we’re already 5 minutes late for our assembly, and I’m sure the other classes are not going to be happy that we’re holding them up, and probably making us late for lunch after” 

The chatter stopped. With only a few days left in the school year, you were running out of ammunition to keep your class’s attention. At least the threat of being late to unch would work for now. 

A little hand shot up from the middle of the line you were about to trail down the hallway, like a mother duck with her babies following in line. “What’s your question, Jaun?” 

“Do you know if it’s gonna be the same guy as last time? He was kind of scary.” Mumbles of agreement came from the voices surrounding him. The Laredo Sheriff's Department had sent in a slew of their employees each week for these presentations, and you had been convinced none of them had ever even attempted to talk to a child. Last week’s presenter, Martin, Michales, something like that, had spent the large time of his presentation talking about getting murdered by the Cartel, leading to tears from many of your students, and a prompt request to not have him back. 

“I don’t know sweetie, it seems like there’s someone new who comes every week, but I sure hope it’s not him.” The class let out a small giggle. These were the moments you loved about your job as a teacher, especially now that you had moved to an older grade where your kids finally picked up on your subtle jokes with them. 

You had been with your class since after Christmas break, filling in as a long term sub for a 3rd grade teacher on maternity leave. The job followed an impromptu move from Chicago to Texas after breaking off your relationship with your boyfriend (regrettably, almost fiancé)  of 3 years, who had been cheating on you behind your back for 2 of them. You felt like an idiot that you hadn’t seen it coming, but it still hit you like a ton of bricks. Paul had plenty of red flags, but your optimistic demeanor and the mounting peer pressure of watching your friends get married and start their own families made you feel trapped. It still stung to think you would have settled for a miserable life with Paul out of the fear you wouldn’t find anyone else. 

 Desperate to get as far away from Illinois as possible, you packed your bags and made the nearly 4 day drive down to Laredo, Texas. Laredo,  a strange choice to many, but made nothing but complete sense to you. Your best friend since the 2nd grade, Sarah Alverez, had moved to Laredo your Freshman year of high school, her father accepting an agricultural engineering position in ranching country. You spent every summer until college visiting her and her family, having nothing but the fondest of memories for a sleepy town outside of San Antonio. It was a stark chance from the hustle and bustle of Chicago suburbia where you had spent your childhood. Long, carefree summer days made you promise yourself that if you ever did leave Chicago, you’d find yourself here. Well, you had made good on your promise, but for reasons that still made your stomach churn in gut-wrenching knots. 

You and your class journeyed down the hallway to the cafeteria. Thank god it was a short trip, because you were far too tired to put up with the bickering and shenanigans the back of your line often seemed to plague you with. Just as you were entering through the cafeteria doors, you promptly turned around, your body facing the line as you walked backwards further into the cafeteria. “Isabella and Jorge, keep your hands to yourself! You two know you’re not supposed to be in line togeth-” Before you could finish your sentence, the back of your body collided with one behind you that you hadn’t seen since turning around to stop a near WWE smackdown in the hallway. You had bumped into kids more than once who weren’t paying attention to their surroundings, but it became very clear, very quickly, that the body you had backed yourself into was not a child’s. 

The body you had backed yourself into was much taller and broader than yours. Two large hands firmly, but gently grasped around the middle of your upper arms to catch you without stumbling backwards any further. An overwhelming scent of cedarwood and sage cologne filled your senses. This obviously was not one of your coworkers, either. 

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorr-“ you started to apologize as you came to face the body that had stopped you in your tracks. Your apology halted as you were met by incredibly broad shoulders covered by a navy blue suit jacket. As your gaze continued upwards, the shoulders were followed by a strong square jawline and plush lips, the upper covered with an impeccable mustache. Continuing up, you were met with the most beautiful, deep chocolate brown eyes, whose soft stare soon met yours. There was no denying that this man was devilishly handsome. Realizing that you had most definitely been starting too long, you restated your apology. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were behind me.” Your eyes shifted away from his and darted down to the floor. 

A small smirk formed on his face as he looked down at you. He didn’t realize it, but he couldn’t help it. You were wearing a yellow sun dress that hit just above your knees, covered by a light washed denim jacket. Your dress swayed beautifully as he watched you take your last few steps backwards, making him question himself if he let you run into him on purpose. You smelled like vanilla and something sweet that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Pink embarrassment flooded your cheeks as a soft smile on your face met his. He now too realized that he had been staring a little too long, and that he still had his grasp on your arms as you had turned around to look at him. 

“No it’s okay.” He let out a small laugh under his breath. “I just didn’t want you to go too much further and trip over anything else.” He gently let his hands leave her arms, and watched as she brushed a piece of hair out of her face and looked back up at him. 

“Should we go sit down now?!” A small voice shouted from your line, causing you to snap back to reality, realizing that you had a line of children still standing behind you. 

“Yes, sorry sweetie” you replied, brushing your dress down back into place. “You guys can go find a spot behind Mrs. Rogers’ class.” Your class passed by you, paying no mind to the interaction that just took place between you and the man you had just bumped into. 

As you watched your class pass by, you turned back around to find the man still staring at you, causing your heart to palpably beat in your chest. The same strong hands that had caught you were now extended in your direction, offering a handshake to introduce himself. “I’m Javier Peña, uh Javi, actually” as your hand met his, realizing how small they felt in his grip. “I’m from the Laredo Sheriff's department, I uh, I’m the one that’s supposed to be doing the whole presentation thing today.” Your hand stayed in his as you introduced yourself. God, his hands were something else.

His grip loosened as your co-workers began to move towards you. You began to realize how hot your face felt, knowing that you were flushed with embarrassment not only from almost falling into a crowd of 10 year olds, but from how awe struck you were by the man who had caught you.

The three women on your 3rd grade team had taken you in as one of their own when you started your job here. They had been more than happy to step in to help you with whatever you needed, including trying to set you up with every single man your age that they knew. With the exception of the parade of overly forward sheriff's department members who had been at your school every Wednesday. Those 3 had no problem telling those men to fuck right off and leave you alone (in the nicest way possible.) The ladies slowly crept closer towards you, sly grins stretched across their faces as they giggled like school girls. 

“OH, so it looks like you met our sweet Javier!” Linda said with over exaggerated enthusiasm. 

“Sweetie, you’re SO good with the technology around here, you know how us old ladies are. Maybe you could help him set up the video he needs for his presentation today?” You knew damn well these women knew how to press play on a VCR. You grimaced your face at Maria. While you couldn’t see your face, you were absolutely positive your expression was screaming “Oh my God, could you please make it any more obvious that this man is insanely attractive and you don’t need to add to the embarrassment after I already ran into him like an idiot?!” 

“Yeah, of course, I’d be more than happy to help!” You pointed towards the stage that sat in front of the cafeteria. “Just come this way and I’ll show you how to set it up.” 

Following behind you, Javier leaned his head down towards yours. “Must be the most complicated VCR set up I’ve seen in a while.” 

You let out a giggle. “Yeah, they're all very sweet, but not the most skilled with anything that has to do with technology. When our principal had mentioned the idea of us potentially getting a computer lab, they just about had a heart attack. Setting up the TV to play a video should be no problem.” You gestured towards the stage at the front of the cafeteria where the TV cart was kept for presentations. He followed behind you, keeping a respectful distance.  Not respectful enough to keep himself from staring at the curve of your ass in your dress as you walked up the stage stairs. 

“Do you have the tape you need to show?” Your words went in one ear and out the other. Carter and Morris weren’t kidding. He hated to admit that those idiots were right about anything, but God, you were beautiful. His gaze was locked on you as squatted down next to the VCR, ejecting its previous contents. It seemed in that moment that you very much both realized that when Javier stood in front of you, you eye level with his waist, staring up at him, dangerously close to his coc- 

“Uh, yeah, yeah sorry,” he shook his head slightly to snap himself out of the thought he was about to have. “Thanks.” he smiled sheepishly. 

“Well I’m no technology expert, but all you should have to do is press play wherever you need to, and you should be good to go! Let me just roll this cart out for you and we’re good for you whenever you’re ready!” You began pushing the cart out onto the stage, but before you could get anywhere, Javi had his hand over yours. 

“You don’t have to do that. I’m sure it’s probably heavy, I can push it.” He insisted. 

You raised your eyebrows and gave him a look that made him step away. 

“What, you think I can’t do it?” Defiantly, you pushed the cart out to the middle of the stage to prove a point, looking back at him and shrugging with an “I told you so” look on your face. Any other woman he had met would have thankfully given up the task, let alone offer to do it at all. At that moment, Javier Peña knew you were not just any other woman. And that- that terrified him in the best way possible.

 Just before you hopped off the edge of the stage to re-join your class, you looked up at him as he ran his fingers through his locks of thick, curly brown hair, trying to regain his composure. 

“Good luck up there, Mr. Peña.” 

Javier couldn’t even tell you what had happened in the 30 minutes that he was up on stage. There were many times throughout his career where he had stared out into a sea of blank faces as he gave a presentation about intel, informats, wire taps… but having the eyes of 80 9 and 10 year olds glued to his every word was an absolutely terrifying experience. Not because he was nervous about the judgment of a child who may or may not even be able to tie their shoes or wipe their nose, but because of what they may say about him to you. It took everything in his power not to stare at you the entire time he was up there, but every time he glanced in your direction, your face lit up with a reassuring smile. You had even given him a little thumbs up when he had successfully started the VCR, playing a clip of Daren the D.A.R.E Lion. 

As the presentation finished, the kids applauded and gave a unanimous “thank you!” prompted by the teachers. 

As your class gathered behind you to walk down to the cafeteria, Maria tapped your shoulder. 

“Take a picture, mija, it will last longer.” 

You were too busy staring at Javi to even notice that Maria was talking to you. Her words went in one ear and out the other. 

“Huh, what? Sorry, did you say something?” 

“I said, take a picture, it will last longer.” Maria laughed to herself. “I don’t think your eyes have left him once since you walked in here.” 

You hated to admit it, but it was true. You had known this man for less than an hour, and he already had butterflies dancing around in your stomach. God, what were you, 12?! Pull it together. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Maria.” Of course you did. If you were wearing pants, they would be up in flames. Liar, liar, pants on fire. 

“I’ll take your class to lunch today. I’ll be back to help stack all of the chairs in a few. I’m sure he could use some help cleaning up, and I’ve heard that VCR is really difficult to work.” Maria nudged you before she turned around to collect your class and parade them out of the gym. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” 

Trying to contain your excitement, you playfully rolled your eyes and shook your head. 

The other teachers and students left, leaving just you and Javi. He gathered his things that he had left on the stage and started to make his way back down the stairs. It took him a moment to realize you were standing at the edge of the steps, arms crossed over your chest, smiling up at him. 

“I’m sorry if the kids were rowdy. It’s been a zoo since there’s only a few days of school left.” You both let out a small chuckle. Now that you two were alone, you became very aware of how nervous you were.

“You did a really great job! Honestly, you’re the best person we’ve had since we’ve started doing these presentations. The guy we had last time, I can’t remember his name, something with an M?! Anyways, I don’t think he’s ever spoken to a child in his entire life, and there were definitely some tears.” 

Definitely Morris, Javi noted to himself. 

“Thanks, I uh- didn’t think I’d be so nervous to talk in front of a bunch of kids. I’m glad it wasn’t too bad. I should thank you for helping me with that video. Didn’t need to get my pride bruised in front of 10 year olds.  Also glad I didn’t make anyone cry.” 

You both let out small laughs, your cheeks revealing small smiles across your faces. While the silence between you grew, the distance between you began to shrink as you both subconsciously took a small step towards each other. 

He watched as a small wave of sadness flooded your expression. “Stinks that this is the last week of presentations before the school year ends. it would have been nice to have you back.” You looked at him with a half hopeful smile. You saw the same feeling reflected back in him as his brow scrunched and bottom lip entered a small pout. 

“Oh shit. Yeah, I uh, I guess I forgot it’s the end of the school year. That would make sense there wouldn’t be anymore presentations.” He rested one hand on his hip, as the other traveled through his thick, brown locks. You bit down on your bottom lip, stunned by his broadness and shoulders to waist ratio, which was made even more apparent as his fingers combed through his hair. His deep brown eyes met yours, melting you instantly.  “If I had known that you would have been here, I would have signed up to come a lot earlier.” 

Before you had a chance to recover yourself from the puddle you had just turned into, the cafeteria doors swung open once again. Maria was a woman on a mission. Her tiny, thin frame marched with purpose towards you both. 

“Oh good thing I caught you, amor! I was just thinking that I had something important to tell Javier before he left and I’m so glad you’re here to hear it too. Javi happens to be a dear familiar friend, and I was just telling him before the presentation how excited I am to see him and his father at my cookout this Saturday! I know you had mentioned you were thinking about going! You’ll be there, won’t you Javier? Aren't you so excited to come to the party this Saturday?”

Maria and Javier entered a silent stare down. Their expressions allowed them to have an entire conversation without speaking a word. 

There’s a party on Saturday? What are you talking about? What does this have to do with anything?

Dios Mio, Pendejo. Take the hint. I already invited her. She will be there on Saturday so you can see her again. Don’t mess this up. 

“Oh really?” You chimed in, perhaps a bit too over enthusiastic. “I wasn’t really going to know anyone besides the staff at school, so it would be nice to see another familiar face!” In all honesty, you were trying to find a way out of going before just now. Huge social gatherings of strangers weren’t really your thing, but if it meant it was a chance to see Javi again, you would brave it. 

“Oh yeah, the uh, the cookout! Yeah, uh, yeah, I’ll be there. It would be really nice to see you again, too.” Although Javier’s tone carried a tint of confusion, his smile was confirmed that his statement was genuine. 

“Bueno!” Maria clasped her hands together and shook her head in delight. “So you will BOTH be there on Saturday!” 

You could already feel your heart swelling at the prospect of seeing Javi again. 

“Oh and mija”, Maria turned towards you, your face lighting up, wondering if she had even more good news to deliver. “They need you in the office. Isabella and Jorge got into a wrestling match in the cafeteria and the secretaries needed to call their parents. Oi, these niños are like wild animals, summer cannot come fast enough!” 

“Of course they did. They might as well put WWE referee under our job description because it seems like that’s all I’m doing all day. It’s like herding feral cats.” you groaned. “Those two cannot be together next year…” 

Javi let out a snort. “Sorry”, he said, trying to contain his laughter. You joined in, realizing the ridiculousness of your statement. 

“Alright, well I guess that’s my cue to go. It was really nice to meet you, Javi. I’m really glad I get to see you again.” It took every ounce of strength in your body to move yourself out of the cafeteria doors. As you walked away, you turned once more to look back over your shoulder, to find that Javi’s eye’s hadn’t moved from your direction since you turned around. “See you on Saturday.” 

Even after you were out of sight, Javi still stood frozen, his eyes wide and jaw still half open. 

“Hola, earth to Javier, are you there?!” Maria interjected, waving her hand in front of Javi’s awe struck face. 

Snapping out of his trance, Javier began to speak, but was stopped before he could get out a single word. 

“Listen to me mijo. I want you to be happy. That was all Lucia asked for before she passed. So first and foremost, you are welcome.” Maria gestured, alluding to the fact that Javier owed her big time for what had just happened. “Secondly, she is a sweet girl. If you do anything to break her heart, so help me, I will come to the ranch and run you over with your father’s tractor. Understood?” 

“Understood.” Javier understood that this was not a threat, it was a promise. 

“Good. She’s a good one, Javier. She reminds me so much of your mother. Lucia would have loved her.” She reached up her hand to cup the side of Javi’s face, before bringing her other arm around him for a hug. 

It was wrong to take whoever’s food that was, but the town needed to eat. Against your morals, you and Joel stuffed whatever bags you could find with most–if not all–of the food that you could fit and take back to Jackson once the blizzard died down. You just hoped that this wouldn’t come back to bite you in the ass.

Once the storm eased up, you and Joel retrieved your separate horses. You could still feel his gaze on you, even with your back turned towards him. You didn’t know what to make of it. He was most likely still judging you for killing a man that hurt your sister, but you weren’t going to try to explain yourself to him.

The two of you mounted your horses, the bags of food secured and strapped to them, and you were on your way. It took you a minute to figure how far off the regular path the two of you ventured off to, but once you realized where you were, it was easy getting back to town.

All you could think about was how happy the kids would be to have a nice meal on Christmas. Because of Violet, you’ve grown some sort of maternal side–the need to take care of others on an all time high. It was the last thing you thought you would gain during the apocalypse. But your overprotective maternal side has saved you and Violet countless times. 

As if he sensed your change in mood, Joel spoke up, “You’re a good sister to her, y’know?”

You crane your neck to look over your shoulder at him, “Was that supposed to be a compliment?” you ask with a small huff.

He shakes his head slowly, averting your gaze and focusing on the path ahead. It wasn’t odd for him to be this quiet and avoidant, but something about this felt off to you. Something deep settling into your bones that isn’t the post-snow air. Maybe he was just trying to be nice. Maybe he’s been trying to be nice this entire time, and you’re the one who’s been being a bitch.

You keep your eyes trained ahead, not daring to look back at him as your thoughts wander far. 

Who was Joel Miller? Really?

You didn’t have the first idea of who the man truly was under his bravado. If he’s been trying to be nice or help you this entire time, he’s had a real funny way of showing it. 

“That… was a compliment,” Joel’s gruff voice pulls you out of your thoughts.

You glance at him over your shoulder, not exactly making eye contact with him, but letting him know that you heard him. For whatever reason, his ‘compliment’ made you feel fuzzy. You feel your blood rush to your cheeks, and you look away before he can notice.

The rest of the ride back to town is quiet. It’s like the world had a thick blanket over it after the blizzard, and it was nice—peaceful even. Joel reaches in his pocket for his red flag and waves it to signal your return.

Shouting is heard as the gates open, a few people coming out with a dog to sniff both you and Joel for any infection. “They’re clean,” a man says before him and the dog retreat.

“What’s all that?” Mark asks, pointing towards the bags tied to both horses.

“We found a whole bunch of food,” you tell him as you dismount Maple. “There’s more in that cabin, but this is all we could carry.

Everyone goes quiet, their eyes wide as they dart between you and the bags. “Good find, both of you-”

Just then, Rose comes barging towards you, her walkie-talkie gripped tightly in her hand. She raises it up once she’s close enough to you, “You didn’t answer me when I called for you! What the fuck were you two doing out there??”

Your brows furrow, “There was a bliz-“

“I don’t give a shit!” She cuts you off, “When you’re called for, you fucking answer!” Rose gets in your face, yelling things at you that you can barely comprehend.

“What is your problem?” you ask her, and that makes her snap.

“My problem is you,” she shoves you.

You stumble back before you gain your bearings again, “I have done nothing to you.” You launch yourself at her, making her scream and step back. 

Before you can lay a finger on her, two strong forearms wrap around your waist before Joel steps in front of you. He’s staring dead at you, but your gaze is still fixed on Rose, your chest heaving with pent up anger.

Everyone around you is silent as Joel keeps you from doing something you’ll regret. “Rose, go see the council,” Mark’s voice cuts through, sharp and authoritative.

“Wha- She should’ve answered when I called-“ Rose starts before Mark cuts her off.

“I don’t care. Go!” He shoos her away.

Once Rose slowly retreats, that’s when you finally meet Joel’s gaze. His expression is the softest you’ve ever seen it, brows furrowed as his fingers flex against your arms like he’s holding himself back from moving them somewhere else.

“You good?” he whispers, searching your face for something that isn’t there.

Nodding slowly, that’s when you realize how hard you’ve been gripping his biceps. They’re big and strong—from manual labor more than likely. They feel better than they should under your palms. 

A lot better.

You don’t even know when he dismounted his horse. You didn’t hear a single thing when Rose started yelling at you, but you’re glad he stopped you before you ended up socking Rose in the jaw. “I’m fine,” you mutter before you let go of him and take a step back.

Joel visibly frowns at the loss of your warmth, but quickly covers it up, returning to his stoic expression. “You sure?”

“I’m sure,” you reassure him quietly.

The small moment you had with Joel was odd. So odd that you had to remind yourself that this was Joel Miller you were thinking about—the stoic asshole who only thinks about himself and his people, to hell with everybody else.

Feelings were starting to bubble to the surface that you haven’t felt in a very long time, and it made your insides tingle.

No.

This was Joel fucking Miller, you remind yourself as you prepare a fresh apple pie for the Christmas party. It’s not necessarily as fresh as it could be, but it’ll have to suffice. 

You could faintly hear Violet moving around upstairs. The two of you have only had very brief passes lately, but you still wanted to get her a Christmas present. In this case, though, you’re making it yourself.

During your last relationship, you kept a small journal to keep the thoughts you were too afraid to say out loud. You completely forgot about it during outbreak day, so now it’s just… out there.

It’s a jarring difference between how you were then versus how you are now. Now, you aren’t scared to look a man in the eyes like you were then. 

But that’s what you were making Violet—a journal. You weren’t entirely sure if she’d actually write in it, but it’s better than keeping everything bottled up. 

Failure is the biggest emotion you’ve been feeling lately. You couldn’t prevent the same thing that happened to you from happening to your sister. You were more worried about her getting bit or shot rather than her being taken advantage of by a man.

The little voice in the back of your mind keeps telling you that you should’ve listened to your gut before the two of you even step foot in Jackson. All of this could’ve been prevented if the two of you just moved on without looking back.

But you wanted to make your little sister happy. She got to feel normal for the first time in twenty years, and who would you have been for taking that away from her?

Now, you wish you had more of a backbone when it came to Violet. It’s crazy how a simple ‘no, we’re not going’ would’ve changed the outcome drastically. 

You can’t dwell on the past, though. The only way is forward, and you were determined to help Violet move forward as well. After setting the pie aside for later, you wipe your hands on your jeans and make your way upstairs to your room.

Violet avoiding you gave you the perfect opportunity to hide the materials to make her journal. A few months back on a raid, you found a rather thin leather jacket, and you saved it for this. It was the perfect coffee brown color and you knew it would suit Violet. 

You gather everything that you need; the leather jacket, a small notebook, cream colored elastic, and everything else was in the garage that you’ve turned into a workshop for your crafts. 

Briskly, you make your way downstairs and to the garage. The light overhead flickers before it brightens up the dark room. You place everything down on the workbench, and sit down in the stool to start working on the journal.

All of your tools are laid out before you; a cutting mat, sharp scalpel, a white colored pencil, a nail file, and a ruler. Crafting was one of the major hobbies you had outside of work, so when you arrived in Jackson, you made sure to ask if they had anything of the sort. 

The process of making a journal has cut down a lot since it’s difficult to find eyelets now, but it doesn’t take the fun out of it. You spread the jacket flat on the bench, grabbing the ruler and the notebook to begin measuring how much leather you need. Carefully, you mark the measurements with the white colored pencil, creating the perfect rectangle for the journal with the ruler. After that, you pick up the scalpel and begin cutting out the rectangle. 

The leather cuts a lot easier than it should for being made into a jacket to keep someone warm. But now, it’s being used for a journal cover. Once it’s cut, you file down the jagged edges to make it nice and smooth. 

Since you don’t have eyelets to thread the elastic through, you have to come up with a different way to get the journal to stay within the leather. Taking the eyelets off of a shoe would be too extra and difficult, so you unfortunately have to do the bare minimum. You line up the ruler to where the spine of the notebook would be on the leather, and you evenly mark two holes with the pencil—one on the top and the other on the bottom.

Picking up the scalpel once again, you carefully cut out the two small holes. They aren’t perfect or pretty, but they’ll have to suffice. Once those two are in, you cut out a third hole right in the middle of the other two. You thread the elastic through the top and bottom holes—struggling a bit when you can’t stop your hands from shaking—before you tie the ends together. Not too tight but not too loose either. 

After cutting another piece of elastic, you thread that piece through the middle hole. This piece would keep the leather closed around the journal, almost like a lock. The rest of the process is smooth sailing, all you needed to do was place the open notebook under the elastic, and it would close in on itself.

You let out a sigh of relief once you finish, admiring your work with a small smile. There hasn’t been much that you’ve found joy in during the last twenty years, but this filled you with a bit of it. You just hoped this would get Violet to talk to you.

You don’t put too much effort into getting ready for the Christmas party. You planned to just say hello and Merry Christmas to everyone, and then be on your way to spend time with Violet. She reassured you a million times that she would be fine staying at the house on her own, but you were still worried about her. There hasn’t been much socialization coming from her and you feel like you’re to blame.

After you zip up your coat, you grab the pie from the oven. The whole house smelled like apples and cinnamon, and you were debating whether or not you wanted to make a separate pie for just you and Violet. You’d need to find some more ingredients for it, but it would be worth it.

Immediately, you’re met with the piercing cold air, the lower half of your face automatically burrowing deeper into your scarf. The night sky was sprinkled in stars, the full moon shining brightly, and giving the town a little more light. It was a beautiful night, and you hated that Violet was spending it inside.

The sound of children laughing, music, and chatter carry you towards the dining hall. A group of kids run around the big tree outside, a few adults standing watch of them. 

“Merry Christmas,” one of them calls out, and you return the phrase with a small nod. You were surprised that anyone was really still talking to you, but you were grateful nonetheless. It meant that either people were starting to forget, or they were coming to terms with what you did.

The warm fairy lights twinkle in the dining hall, the benches and tables pushed towards the walls to give more room for people to dance. There was a long table covered in a white cloth towards the back wall, food and drinks scattered across it, and you placed down your pie next to a pumpkin pie.

“Didn’t think you’d show up,” a strong Texas drawl catches your attention.

“Neither did I,” you pause, looking around and taking a deep breath, “Thank you… for letting me protect my sister, Tommy.”

“Don’t thank me,” he shrugs, taking a swig of his beer and giving you a pat on the shoulder, “that was all Maria’s call. What she says, goes.”

“Right,” you mutter, looking down at your boots for a moment.

“Joel told me that you almost got in a fight the other day.”

You scoff, shaking your head, “It was more of a cat fight… over something stupid and petty.”

“Didn’t sound that petty to me,” he shifts, leaning against a beam, “Said he had to hold you back from tacklin’ that girl.”

“He told you everything?” you ask quietly.

Tommy nods slowly, taking another swig of his beer, “Rose won’t be botherin’ you again, okay?”

You aren’t sure if you fully believe his words, but you don’t get another word in before he walks away. The need to forget your thoughts carries you towards the bar, ordering a glass of whiskey.

A familiar broad frame leans on the bar next to you, his forearms resting on the surface as he nurses his own glass of whiskey. “How you feelin’?” Joel asks.

“I’m just being visited by one Miller brother to the next, huh?” It’s a light tease, but he huffs and shakes his head anyway.

Joel is a hard man to read, so you aren’t entirely sure if you’ve just offended him or not. “I’m fine. Thank you for asking, though.”

He nods once, taking a sip of his drink before yours is placed in front of you. You mutter a small thanks and take a nice sip. The brown liquor stinging your throat as it goes down.

You turn around, leaning your back against the bar to watch the couples on the dance floor. Despite yourself, it brings a small smile to your face. It’s a little hard to imagine the people that have stayed strong and happy during this time. Only God knows how you would’ve been if you and your last boyfriend stayed together.

Finding a deep connection that lasts even throughout the apocalypse is a rare type of love. 

There was an older woman that came into the clinic one day. She went on and on about her late husband that passed away a few months ago. It was from natural causes, which is probably the best way to go nowadays. But there was a small shimmer in her eyes whenever she talked about him. Like just mentioning his favorite meal kept his spirit alive in her mind. 

“It’s crazy that we’re the reason for all of this,” you murmur once Joel turns around as well.

You haven’t seen the town this united and happy in… well, forever, but now they had something worth celebrating. Glancing over at Joel, you then realize how close the two of you are. His eyes are trained on his glass of whiskey, giving you the perfect view of his side profile; the curve of his nose, his plush lips, the soft curls on his head.

Fuck.

You feel your heart stutter when he makes eye contact with you. “Always gotta keep findin’ somethin’ to fight for.”

The nod you give to his words is slow, unsure if you’re being too obvious with your ogling. The warm lights of the fairy lights reflect in his dark orbs, nearly making them mesmerizing to look into. And oh, do his eyes tell you so much. You see the protection in them, the fire, the warmth, and something dangerously close to vulnerability and admiration.

He looked at you like you were a river worth waiting for.

Has he always looked at you like this? No, you would’ve noticed it, right? The alcohol is definitely starting to take its course now, your thoughts practically swimming in it. 

“I’m glad I found you two together,” Maria’s voice pulls you out of your small trance, taking your eyes off of Joel.

“This is the man that lived in the cabin you guys got the food from,” Maria claims, causing you to glance at the man next to her.

You do a double take on the man, standing up straighter when the recognition hits you. Your world shrinks, breath catching faintly. He’s a lot older, thicker beard, a little heavier than he was twenty years ago.

No.

No.

“I’ve agreed to let him stay in town for a bit because of the inconvenience,” she says.

“I’d appreciate having some of my food back.” It’s a joke, but his voice alone sends a shiver down your spine.

He won’t take his eyes off of you, and you suddenly feel like you’re underwater. Unable to get air back into your lungs as you stare back at the man that changed your life for the worse. You feel exactly the same way you did whenever you were under his gaze all those years ago.

He extends his hand out for Joel to shake, “Name’s Elijah.”

Joel shakes his hand with a firm grip, introducing himself as well. Joel’s gaze flickers to you for a moment, taking in the pale hint your skin has taken on.

“And you are?” Elijah asks, the smirk evident on his face.

You can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t speak. Your entire body is frozen in place as you gaze up at the stranger you know all too well.

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