The Bear Who Shits in the Woods

Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best efforts—and considerable hunger—we seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks like.

As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal customer at the Shell Shack for many years, and I have come to expect so much more than this.

When I ordered the Captain’s Bounty several minutes ago, I did so in good faith, expecting the quantity of shrimp to reflect the listed price. You can imagine my shock, then, when this paltry collection of withered-looking crustaceans arrived at my table, in direct contrast to the assertion—nay, promise—made right there on this large, laminated menu that it was the “best deal in town” and that this purported “seafood feast” was not to be missed.

At that point, I asked you where the rest of the shrimp were. You replied that this was how many you get in the Captain’s Bounty. I insisted that it looked more like $19.99 worth of shrimp, and you told me they’re more filling than they look. Do I look like a fool to you? I’ve already sampled several bites from this pathetic excuse for a shellfish platter and find it hardly befitting the suggestion that it’s “generous enough to satisfy even the hungriest mariner”! Generous? I don’t think so, sir.

Of course, I am not so obtuse as to believe that hearing once more about my shrimp-deprived plight will stir some pity in your heart. You have made your stance abundantly clear. Still, I urge you to heed my words. You may have the upper hand now, but in the grand scheme of time, history will not look kindly on you and your shrimp apportionment. 

@dogpuppy

Claiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lasso star Jason Sudeikis confirmed that the show’s fourth season, which begins Wednesday, would teach viewers about shapes and colors. “At this point in the story, Ted’s positive attitude and heart-warming antics have taught the audience that it’s important to be yourself, and now we’re building on that by introducing basic geometric shapes,” said Sudeikis, who explained that going in this direction “just felt natural” given the Apple TV series’ fan base.