The Madd Patter

“Raccoon” :

I’m sorry. I blamed you for my emotional short-comings. I took it out on a couple women before I tried to take it out on you. You showed me sincere interest and openness, and I tried to take romantic revenge. I’m only glad that I left that night, regardless of everything I did.i still think of you when I’m asked about the relationships that changed me. I just hope that you see me as I see you; a learning experience. I learned that no matter how much you have in common, or how badly you want things to work, or how angry you are if it ends badly; the person was a reflection of yourself, and an opportunity to protect your future self or your future partners from the harm of personality flaws. I wish you the best.

“Sad vs. Sane” :

I’m sorry. You were the best thing for me at the worst possible time. My apathy should have driven you away, but your tenacity forced me to understand my worth; whether I wanted to or not. I abused your loyalty to a sickening extent. I regret the way that I used you and let you think that it was your fault. I was pretending to be someone that I thought I should be; detached. I hope that you have found someone worthy of your ability to care. I promise that I would have done my best if I had to.

“Buena” :

I’m sorry. I projected my problems onto you. I was trying to reconcile who I was with who I should have been. I thought that a casual interaction would re-align me, but I should have know better. I meant everything I said and I appreciated you then as I do now. I behaved selfishly and I took you for granted. I’m glad that you spoke out more than a year ago, because you may have fixed my perspective. You deserve every ounce of love that you receive, and I’m thankful for you. Please don’t stop helping.

the one in the now :

Well... I’m sorry. I’m sorry for any time I’ve reacted to you out of habit. I’m sorry for projecting every psychological issue I experience onto our relationship.

But, thank you. I don’t know if it was some form of destiny or predictive personality traits, or just good timing.

You saved me. You took up the work of every woman who could see the good in me. You make me actually want to fix my head. You make me want to learn how to appreciate other people. You give me a reason to find meaning.

I’m sorry for how I’ve made life.

Thank you for trying anyway.

I kicked the drugs

I found myself

I pushed off love

Loosened my belt

Thought I was safe

Found normalcy

Found equal space

Found monogamy

Then the pendulum swung back. I saw and felt my past selves. I experienced all the things I’ve done. I peeled the layers off of my lungs, and felt the smells.

Fuck.

I’m not a new person.