Random

Except Izuna is alive and well; it's all an elaborate ruse for busting open a very big corruption case that had the (un)fortunate side effect of making Tobirama realize things. Izuna could just temporarily be in witness protection and they just told everyone he died in a very big explosion idk

So one day Izuna is bored out of his fucking mind in witness protection in the middle of fucking nowhere and he's just bedrotting and doomscrolling and he comes across the post. It doesn’t really take a genius to figure out that it’s about him and the identity of its OP.

He spends all his time microanalyzing every tiny detail and interaction (bless his photographic memory). Not one to be outdone in ANYTHING, he begins orchestrating bizarre happenings and leaving cryptic messages for Tobirama, sending him on a wild goose hunt that has everyone thinking he’d become conspiracy pilled.

Then the final clue fits in place on Tobirama’s birthday and he finds the thing all the evidence is pointing him to and its just a racy photo of Izuna with "hbd u ugly fukc" written on the back. It takes him a second but he weeps with joy before he even can stop himself.

On the photo, Izuna made sure to position a newspaper dated post his alleged death riiiight between his legs to a) show Tobirama "look I'm not dead!" and b) to force him to really look 

Tobirama, with a hard-on: God I fucking hate this asshole

Tobirama joins the case that put Izuna into witness protection and goes extra hard on pinning the bad guys so Izuna can come out of hiding. Once it's all over however Izuna acts like none of it happened bc seeing Tobirama losing his marbles makes him >:} 

Little does Tobirama know Izuna would love to receive a proposal in the form of a riddle hunt, just like the one he gave Tobirama. Which he eventually figures out because he's smart. It was Mito. Mito figured it out and beat him over the head with it. 

They get married but literally nothing changes re: how they act in court, everyone thinks "tbiz got married" is some weird baseless rumor. Tobirama invites coworkers over One (1) time and everyone is shocked to see Izuna there, watering their flowers or something cute and domestic like that.

Coworkers: he just told you he'll dismantle your case so hard they disbar you on your way out of the courtroom. That wasn’t even 5 hours ago!  Tobirama: yeah sorry i told him to tone down the pda he never listens :| 

All of them fall silent bc an entire movie of the pair roasting each other to Hell and back plays in their minds and they all wonder if that was all basically foreplay

(it was)

Then once word comes out they stop letting them go against each other bc conflict of interest or whatever which leads to the tobiizu divorce arc only so they can face each other in court again

Izuna: divorcing you made me kinda horny ngl Tobirama: … I’m free this afternoon.

They keep remarrying and divorcing bc they’re freaks like that

Izuna, screaming: I Want Another Divorce! re:the mildest inconvenience Tobirama: sigh do we really have to do this again? It's so time consuming. I can whip you without getting a divorce Izuna: IT'S NOT THE SAME.

Tobirama gets him coffee with 3 sugars instead of 4 and now there are divorce papers on the table. They have an entire stash of pre-filled copies. They're on a first name basis with the clerk who files the papers. They gave a speech at her wedding. Izuna invites her to go dress/suit shopping every time they get remarried. They are her child's godparents.

When they’re married they are not any better. Like at all. 

Izuna: Well my 3rd husband promised to always cook for me Tobirama: well my 5th husband promised to blow me whenever I do Izuna: WELL MY 8TH HUSBAND– Everyone: What is going on. How many times were they married before? What does that have to do with anything?

They only remember all this bc Izuna has a photographic memory and Tobirama has a spreadsheet kink. If any of their friends and family don't show up to the weddings they make it into a big ordeal. They show powerpoint presentations at every wedding, calling out all the people who didn't attend their last wedding.

Hashirama has never missed one. He loves them. With every invitation he's crying tears of joy like it's the first time. Madara receiving an invite to Izuna’s 17th wedding to the same guy: 😐 fuck this I’ll just send a card.

Hashirama is also kinda maybe running a gambling ring on their divorce/marriage cycle. Tobiizu find out, Tobirama wants to reprimand him for it but Izuna thinks he should just split his earnings and in exchange they'd keep him updated. Madara busts them for insider trading. (bc they didnt let him in on it.)

Maybe the brothers are the first Uchiha to go into law instead of crime? So all their dead relatives are like hell yeah our criminal genes are NOT dead

(No one is wise to Mito’s Annual Bingo centered around their wedding(s).)

The weddings become family events. Both families go so hard on it. When they're married the respective partner is treated like one of their own, when they divorce they cheerfully bring out the scorned ex-spouse we "never" liked treatment. It's all in good fun.

Hikaku: hey Izuna just wondering if your next divorce is gonna be around the holidays bc im buying gifts and i need to know if Tobirama will still be my BIL by then

At the next wedding, there is an entire slideshow just blasting Madara alone. The crowd boos and Madara swears he’s never attending again. 

Speaking of, time to move on to the big brothers for a little.  Madara is a detective, one of those broody guys who sit alone in a pub after his shift ends, lamenting the evils of humanity…

but one of us has to do the right thing....... And it's me.

Hashirama is the bartender & that's how they originally meet, before tobiizu even graduate law school. He keeps giving Madara beer for free; Madara tells him he's trying to quit smoking and Hashirama is like i’ll give u a free beer for every pack you dont smoke! which like... good intentions, horrible execution

At the same time Hashirama is like: wow but he's so hot when he's smoking… :(

Hashirama also lives above the bar and so he tries to get Madara wasted on purpose.... So he can be the savior and have him crash at his place…

Madara ofc quickly figures it out. He confronts him one day and watches him stutter and fumble for 15 whole minutes only to admit his "horrible shameful ulterior motives": He wanted to tuck Madara in and make him breakfast bc he looks like he doesn't sleep or eat well.

Hashirama: otherwise you wouldn't ever eat anything healthy TToTT

Madara is like "..." and spends the night over. Hashi wakes up at 5 am to get the freshest ingredients and spends all morning fussing panicking upset about fucking up the eggrolls (they were fine) and how he’s so sorry for feeding Madara such terrible food.

Madara: my breakfast is cigarettes and stale coffee anything you feed me is an upgrade you moron (affectionate) Hashirama: well... Perhaps... If you'd let me... I mean.... Maybe I could....... I mean........ If you want........................... DINNER?!???!?!!? Madara: …………….Steak. Medium rare. Don't fuck it up. I finish work at 8. Hashirama: booking the best 5-star chef to teach him as they speak

But then he would stress about it so much he does fuck it up and when he picks Madara up, he's in tears bc he thinks this was his only chance

Madara: He's so stupid.... i have to have him.

Later on Hashirama would make him bento boxes and drop them off at the station. Everyone starts speculating what kinda tradwife Madara bagged. Until they spot Mr. 2m tall broad and buff and handsome and goofy with the world’s most charming laugh, and it turns to literally no one understanding why Hashirama is with him.

Chief is so grumpy and broody and hell to be around... how is he in such a wholesome relationship....

But then they start stalking them a bit. And watch Madara suddenly be a gentleman, they discover a whole other side of him and it's kinda scary. Holding doors open for Hashirama, sharing the bento, feeding him, sending him reminders for important appointments and stuff bc Hashirama tends to forget, telling the restaurant ppl he asked for no pickles. When they still put pickles, he fights them on Hashirama's behalf. Hashirama talks and Madara sits there like

the cadets discover their chief is capable of smiling. Miracles were real. Madara dislikes that, so he tries to be extra grumpy. But then he has to take over some big case and barely gets any time for himself, let alone for Hashirama

So at one point they organise a candle light dinner at the station for them, and just lock Madara inside so that he has an excuse for why he can't leave and do his work, and from then on he's a tiiiny bit nicer to them. For their birthdays he gets them cards that say "I tolerate you", "you are an ok officer" and "your presence does not make me want to shoot myself", and the fan favorite: "you're not fired (yet)"

They frame the cards.

Things get really funny/weird with tobiizu in the mix tho..

Tobirama comes to ask for evidence one day and Madara makes his life hell.

Madara: this is for that PowerPoint presentation you little shit i know it was your work Izuna would never use times new roman in a slideshow. Tobirama: but do you really think those cliparts were my work? Madara: focus on your own predicament, brother in law. Don't worry about Izuna. He's getting his own comeuppance. Tobirama: oh yeah? Be careful tho... I know your weak point...... It's Hashirama. And nothing would hurt him more than me saying I'm on a meat-only diet now. Madara, horrified: You'd hurt your own brother just to get me?! Izuna was right. You really are an unethical mercenary of a lawyer! All the other cops around them: w-what is going on. Should we call for help Tobirama, smashing his fist on the table: IZUNA SAID THAT? fuck that's hot. already planning to remarry him

Madara books him for destroying police property

Izuna comes to bail him out but ultimately doesn't bc he thinks it's hot to see him behind bars. (also they’re divorced currently, he can stand to suffer a little)

They both make a point of needling him till he loses his patience. 

In the background, Mito is making a phone call to the only person who can stop this mess and Hashirama has to come to calm them all down. He retains his canon "Hashirama The God of Shinobi" glare, but like... rarely ever uses it, this is one of these rare instances.

Everyone stands in front of him looking at the ground in shame

Hashirama: Madara, he didn't even break the desk. Don't be so mean!!  Izuna, stop taking photos of Tobirama behind bars, i don't think that's even allowed here! Mito, you should have called me much earlier!! Tobirama......... What do you mean meat-only :((((((((((((((((

They all walk out of the precinct like scolded children. Except for Tobirama, who walks out with a fruit basket, and Hashirama will be expecting daily updates about his fruit consumption or he's gonna escalate his intervention

At one point Izuna gets really pushy with Madara about attending the next Wedding. Unbeknownst to him, it's his wedding to Hashirama, which he only learns when he shows up. He spends the rest of it bragging about how it'll be his first and last wedding unlike some people–

Meanwhile Izuna and Hashirama have already come up with another business plan that Madara will not like...

Mito: Madara, I have spoken to your ancestors and they want me to tell you......To stop being such a fucking killjoy. Just divorce Hashirama, get the bag, and then you can remarry next year Madara: It's about the principle woman! Also My ancestors were all criminals! I'm not taking their advice!

Fun extras:

Mito is friends with both the Uchiha brothers (Madara doesn't know he's her friend tho)

She has a forensic psychology degree, though she returned to Uzushio to complete her spirit training and didn't want to give up on her now dying culture. Her work with Tobirama lets her dabble in both sides of herself and she loves it.

Hashirama has a mysterious past from before he was a bartender that he never speaks about. Some of his skillset is not things your typical bartender would know. whenever he's asked about it he just says he "retired early"

Author of the idea @mira--mira

“Oh my god, is that Madara Uchiha?”

Recognizing the voice, the corner of Madara’s mouth turned upward, but he didn’t turn away from the mirror. “Come in,” he said, finishing his eyeliner with a sweep of his hand. Madara liked to avoid distractions before he went onstage, but Hashirama was one he always welcomed. As Madara snapped the cap back into place, Hashirama slipped into the room.

“You look so good,” Hashirama breathed, when Madara turned to face him. “Your hair, this outfit…I think it’s your best look yet.” He brushed his fingers along the shoulder of Madara’s outfit, which had taken hours of meticulous work to get it just as Madara had envisioned.

Madara couldn’t help but to preen under Hashirama’s praise. “I know.”