thetimeisnowsomehow

And I like that

Would be nice if my body COMMUNICATED THAT!

Instead of the NAUSEA and pain and adrenaline which make it hard to eat.

Rrrrgh and I eat like a robot because its so annoying. I miss the cheep pasta. I just chugged some lemonade like the former alcoholic i am.

Being human is hard. I'm still not hungry but I'm eating like a mouse pressing a button to turn the electricity off in the cage.

We must be in the luteal. Again.

Really cheeses my cheerios that even if I got alllll the girl organs removed I can do nothing about the rest of the way my body needs hormones to function. And I do not trust doctors WITH MY body. Not even the synth hormones.

Oh I have wanted to be able to transition, but I was already deeply dealing with chronic pain when that even became possible. And I don't trust doctors to be consistent with hormone injections the same way they are not reliable for prescriptions.

You work for what you want. And you often get it. Even if it doesn't want you. And see that was a crucial part of having it. You did not think it through.

I have plenty of reasons but it keeps ruminating around things I cannot change about the world. Maybe it's just a thousand small cuts, bleeding.

But its been and ok day so far. And I want to remember that. Not how much I hate certain people who are not in this day. Who are not here right now.