thetimeisnowsomehow

Trying to pressure me into decisions. When I am not feeling well. He was nice for one message but it felt like Ulterior motive. And it was. He was offering to bring me water. But he just wants to terrorize me in person. Give me deadlines I cant meet so I stress into furthur desperation. Make me sicker so I he can do whatever he wants. And he wants to hurt me. For being not a slave. Not a doll.

But the hurt is at our core Wounds in different directions.

I cannot feel anger and fear at the same time. It is one or the other all the way.

So when I am angry, I am fearless. And when I am scared I am fearful. And I like anger because it's a better feeling than helpless.

But it's hard to keep track of one or the other when one is being so intense.

I didn't read a single piece of fanfiction in that time. I didn't even remember to. My mind couldn't even imagine stories.

I have not lived with him for 5 years. Its only been this last year where I have had any semblance of coming back to myself. I gave up on tumblr. I didn't read. I tried to understand the social media apps and they just stressed me more. Everything became about money. Especially the apps.

He took 8 years of my life. If not more around the edges.

And it still took years of not living with him to have any semblance of healing. He made me fear the world so badly that I took it and ran. Ran to him. He also kept me alive when i wasn't taking care of myself. Even if it was only to keep his sex doll pretty, it kept me alive.

It hurts to know I wasted so much time on that asshole. Hurts. But I am learning. My new golden rule is to never live with anyone male ever again. And to set strong boundaries. And down with the patriarchy!

I still like being warm

Thats how I feel about the way human men treat women: either useful to them personally or do not care at all.

But it was as natural as air to me back then. I auto shut down those what about the future responses. They happened so much. I was just a child! So I matched rudeness.

I don't even fully recall all of them, but I always knew to never reveal my future plans because my family would sabotage them. Its always meant in a condescending way too: they are asking when are you gonna choose to be a dumb stupid servant? When are you gonna a ruin it all spend your days like a peasant? When are you gonna choose the shit role I have in mind for you? It's from a place of putting you down. Of hate. They Hate pretty smart girls.

They are really saying: get fucked, become pregnant, and fade in to the background like my mother did. Serve patriarchal society forever and perpetuate it. They want to sexualize and then devalue. Desire, have and then discard. It's profoundly narcissistic.