The Food I Ate in 2013 - Part Three - The Burgers of my World
I've decided to separate chicken burgers and hamburgers into two categories. While they have many factors in common, comparing them would be like rating favourite flowers alongside favourite trees. Chicken burgers and hamburgers are my fruits and vegetables.
CHICKEN BURGERS – 17.5 total
Burker King's signature chicken burger, the one that comes in the glorified hot dog bun, must be one of the worst chicken burgers on the market. It's content is more coleslaw than chicken, they really slather on the mayonnaise turning the confetti shredded lettuce and onions into a wet mess. Pass.
9. Generic Chicken Burgers – 5
A genny is a burg you have to fry, also known as a cutlet.
Always adding inside your paunch and just sits inside your freezer.
I won't open your box (no)
I won't bake you up and (no)
I don't wanna give you ketchup (no)
I don't want you with french fries and (no)
that grub is too breaded to get no love from me
Hanging out the freezer side
costing two dollars or three.
8. Mcdonald's – Swiss mushroom – 1
The combination of swiss cheese and mushroom boggles my brain. I wonder if swiss cheese is like cilantro, different people's taste buds fundamentally function differently with its components. I just don't get how anyone likes it. It's like cheese zapped of cheesiness and seasoned with dull vinegar. I tend towards the breaded chicken over the grilled with Mcdonald's burgers. The grilled chicken there just strikes me as the same stuff you get in microwaveable tv dinners, little chunks of tasteless sodium sponge.
This is the first chick-burg on the list that I actually like. While Mcdonald's is still Mcdonald's, and nothing they do can change their greasy reputation, the bistro series is actually a fitting branding strategy. Of course the 'bistro' is more the type you'd find in the safeway deli than a cobbled street in Paris, the crisp bacon goes along way toward moving this menu item from a liquid to a solid (unlike its horrid swiss mushroom sister).
6. Carl's Jr. – Grilled chicken – .5
I split this one with Nolan in a Mexican Airport. We shared two burgers, one was Carl's Jr. Famous star cheeseburger, the other was this. We both secretly yearned for a king's portion of the grilled chicken burger. It was a pretty standard fast food chicken burger but it was pretty good.
5. White Spot – Taste of Italy – 1
It looked something like this.
I don't know if I'm going crazy or made a logging error but when I tried to google this burger to jog my memory, there was no evidence of its existence. White Spot has no online history of ever doing a 'Taste of Italy' promotion. I know that I had it in North Van in March but I can't remember what was on it or anything. Either way, I know it was better than the mediocre top half of this list, so it finds itself at number 5. It's a mystery.
4. Wendy's – Chicken Filet – 2
For my money, the best bang for your buck chicken burger in town comes from Wendy's. The toppings are light, focusing on the filet itself as the main event. It's simple and it's understated. The spicy chicken is too hot for me but a lot of people like it even more.
3. The Market Grill on Granville Island – BBQ chicken – 2
Now we're getting into some really deluxe chicken burgers. I know my list isn't exhaustive because I wasn't on the hunt for the best chicken burger in town or anything like that. While homemade pizza is hot trash, homemade bbq burgers are the total opposite: nothing beats them. The Market Grill gives you a straightforward approach without too many bells and whistles, just good meat, good bun, and good toppings.
2. The Noble Pig – Chicken sandwich – 1
The best brew pub in Kamloops also has a killer chicken sandwich. I don't really like it when they call a chicken burger a chicken sandwich – it makes it seem like they're trying to get away with something, but the burg is good enough that I won't hassle them too much (a chicken sandwich is on bread, a chicken burger is on a bun, it's not that hard). I guess it's the addition of bacon and the tooth pick through the top that qualifies as argument for sandwich status. Either way, this is a really good chicken and bread combo.
1. Sunset Beach – Grilled bbq chicken burger – 3
Apparently also called Marcyburgers.
Oh boy, this chicken burger is like crack. The lady at the concession is super nice, it's got melted cheese and sauteed onions on it, it's got a drippy garlic mayo and it comes in a wax paper half-wrap. You eat it on the beach. It's everything you want in a burger experience! The best.
HAMBURGERS – 67 sessions 92.5 burgers total
Now onto the important business of rating hamburgers. I love hamburgers not just in their taste but also in their emotion. They're like baseball: nostalgic and filling to the heart. When you're a little kid it is a special and important reward to be taken out for a hamburger – good report cards, birthday parties, celebrations. And hamburgers are hard to do poorly. A shitty-seeming, greasy burger is an experience unto itself. Hamburgers are life, encapsulated in ground beef, condiments and two sides of bun.
29. Maverick's – Mini burgers – 1
I got food poisoning on my birthday from these little delights. They actually tasted really good at the time but come on. Maverick's is now closed. RIPD.
28. Generic Hamburger – 4 sessions 9 burgers
A lot of these burgers are mediocre. The only one that could be argued as straight-up bad is the generic, frozen together, out of the box, grilled in a pan hamburger. These guys have the greyest of meat and the cardboard-est of taste. You have to really rely on condiments and toppings here. But if you mix in a little ketchup and mayo mix, some marble cheddar, good lettuce, tomato, a little avocado and maybe a few other choice vegetables, you're still going to have a great time.
27. Main Street Grill – 1
The Burger King on Main St, near Terminal, closed down and Main Street Grill Opened up. I ventured in to see what this new stand was all about. Essentially it was just Burger King rebranded as a nineties skate park with really good french fries, half the beef and twice the cardboard. It was one of the worst burgers I've ever eaten but the 90's skate park appeal bumped it above my own prefrozen concoctions.
Wendy's – Pretzel bacon cheese – 1
Wendy's – Portabella bacon cheeseburger – 1
One of the worst ideas Wendy's has ever had, and yet they keep going back to it, is the melted cheese innovation. The bacon mushroom melt started it and the pretzel and portabello burgers carry on the tradition. It is essentially 7-11 nacho cheese topping added to the beauty of a Wendy's burger. All it does is cut down on meat taste and add slop. The pretzel bun didn't really do it for me either. It just seemed stale. The portabellos were like tadpoles.
24. A & W – Momma burger – 3
Just a bit of a simple pinner. The momma burger is what can go wrong if you try too hard not to mess with a good thing. It's just kind of bland and boring.
23. Mcdonald's – Cheeseburger – 1 session 2 burgers
Sort of the opposite of the mama burger, the Mcdonald's regular cheeseburger is a great little package. It's biggest problem is that you can do so much better at McD's. For just a few cents more you can upgrade to the Mcdouble or a double cheeseburger. At this size, twice the meat with the same amount of bun is a good gamble that pays off every time (this is not as true when you get up to 4 oz patties).
22. Dairy Queen – Cheeseburger – 1 session 2 burgers
A good burger with a lot of taste. DQ's char broiler is unique and smokey. The biggest problem with this burger is how it makes you feel afterwards. Yuck.
21. Carls Jr – Famous star cheeseburger – .5
This was the other half in the burger share Nolan and I partook in at the Mexican airport. The Famous Star is the epitomy of mediocrity. It tasted like any other cheeseburger you could ever imagine.
20. Fat Burger – Bacon cheese – 1
Fat burger has a good bun going for it, and some good toppings but the patty has to be the heart and soul of your burger. I don't find the patty any better than a standard DQ grilled burger. And that's not good enough to be very high on this list.
19. Boston Pizza – Prime rib burger – 1
I think I've put up with bad nomenclature long enough. This burger is not prime rib. It's an okay burger but calling it prime rib set me up for an expectation that ground beef had no chance of meeting.
18. Mcdonalds – Big mac – 1
The Al Pacino of hamburgers. A consistent classic that just can't quite stack up anymore. As burgers got better, the Big Mac stayed the same. People still like it out of tradition. It deserves the respect that it earned. I just don't really care to eat it anymore.
17. Bridges on Granville Island – Cheeseburger – 1
At $17+, Bridges falls low for its cost efficiency. The Burger is good not great and it costs $17! You could get more than 10 Mcdoubles for $17. Get real.
16. Mcdonalds – Quarter pounder with cheese – 1
As far as proportions go, if you're looking for a simple beefy taste, the quarter pounder has it mastered. The composition of ketchup, mustard, onions, pickles, meat, cheese, and bun is scientifically precise. For me it's missing tomato, lettuce, and mayo. It lacks the freshness that the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's provides. It's also essentially the same as the Mcdouble (literally, it has the same ingredients but the Mcdouble has one less slice of cheese and two separate smaller patties) but twice the price.
15. Burger King – Whopper – 2
The Whopper has fallen down my ranks a lot in the past few years. It was arguably my favourite fast food burger for a while but it seems like quality craftsmanship has been totally obliterated from the Burger King brand. It is next to impossible to get a Whopper that isn't bun-akimbo and flooded with mayo. The overstock of condiments frequently makes me feel sick and the Whopper just can't be trusted anymore.
14. Five Guys – Cheeseburger – 1
I don't really understand the hype behind Five Guys. It's a good burger but it's not the best burger. There's a huge contingent that think Five Guys is the best fast food burger in the world. It's really just the poor man's In 'n Out. The appeal is its simplicity, start with a hamburger and just tell us what you want on it. You don't have to deal with stupid names that don't allude to what you're getting (ahem, Carl's Jr. 'Famous Star'). It also embraces the squished, ugly, greasy burger lifestyle, which I can respect, but the taste itself is no better than its competition.
13. Burger king – Whopper jr – 3
The lapsed work-ethic of the Whopper moves the Whopper jr up a few pegs in the standings. It's got the charbroiled taste I love with only have the condiment disaster. The bun is also a lot smaller, creating a tighter, neater burger experience.
12. The Burger Bus – Bison burger – 1
There are two main drawbacks to food truck burgers, the price and the wait. While they are better than most fast food burgs they're not on par with restaurant burgers. They live in the world between ease and gourmet but they view themselves as being better than both. I respect and appreciate fresh and organic ingredients but I'm not willing to sacrifice taste for title. I'm sure there are better food truck burgers out there but, like I said in the chicken burger section, this is not an exhaustive list. It's just what I ate. Bison might be looked on as higher than beef (more healthy? More sustainable? Chemical free?) but the gamey taste gets me down.
11. Veras – Mini burgers – 1
These don't look as good as I remember.
I actually prefer these mini burgers to Vera's regular staple. The bun was smaller, giving the ingredients a better proportion.
The simplest burger there is. No bells and whistles, Peter Carlone calls it Bob's burgers (after the tv show) because it is everything you've come to expect from a cartoon burger. If you like the idea of Wimpy from Popeye, “I'll gladly you pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today,” then you'd like Joe's Grill.
9. Mcdonald's - Mcdouble – 19 sessions 36 burgers
The greasiest, cheapest, simplest burger in the business. Forget the hype, this guy is sometimes not even on the menu. He's got a slice of cheese less than his more popular brother, the double cheese burger, but he's also twenty-percent cheaper. You can get a meal with two mcdoubles and a small fries for under five bucks. For your health!
8. Wendy's – single with cheese – 2
A classic, the square patty, the toppings, and the cheese to meat ratio, make this burger better than your average fast food. Consistency in crafting has occasionally been a problem at the Wendy's in Vancouver but the single with cheese simply can't be denied.
7. A and W – Teen burger – 2
Teen burgers are delicate things. When made-well, with care and attention, they are marvelous. When made poorly, they find themselves as far down the list as the whopper has fallen. But where Burger King seems to be losing quality, A &W is refining itself into a culinary institute. The toasted buns, metal trays, and wax paper half-wraps all help.
6. Mcdonald's Angus – Bacon cheese – 7
I don't care what anyone says, the Mcdonald's bacon cheese angus burger is a step above Mcdonald's ordinary fare. It is probably not as healthy, and the ambience is obviously not the same, but it compares with some of the best restaurant burgers in town.
5. Market Grill - Granville Island – 1
A simple, home-made style, burger with great ingredients and a really good bun. It's got the least character in the top five but don't underestimate it.
4. Wendy's – Jr Bacon Cheese – 5 in 3 sessions
There's just something special about a JBC. The ingredients are fine but the proportions are perfect. If you could do a hybrid with the quality of Romer's mixed with the precision measured JBC, you might have the perfect burger on your hands.
3. Alibi Room – Bison burger - 1
You can almost judge the quality of a burger on how shiny its bun is. All three of my top burgers have those weird yellowy-breaded, shiny buns. I'm not totally sold on these buns but the burgers within are always the best. I don't think correlation equals causation though. I'm still on the lookout for the insides of a burg from one of these fancier establishments mixed with the perfection of certain fast food buns.
2. Rumpus Room – Basic burger – 4
At Rumpus Room, they make their burgers a little bit rare. I've sent one back before out of fear. I was assured at the time that they cooked them this way because the beef is so fresh, organic, and local that e. coli and other toxins is not a factor. I don't know how true this is but every burger there since has been cooked to the same level. Consistency in burgers is important. So the basic burger is always fresh and juicy. And it's only 9 dollars. And it has a shiny bun. So you know it's good.
1. Romer's – Man's man – 1
Peep these ingredients: thick applewood bacon, amber ale cheddar, smoked alder salts, onion strings, vine-ripened tomato, and whole-grain mustard. At the risk of getting too caught up on adjectives (ie marketing), it is these predecessors that make Romer's the best burger I've eaten this year. The bacon is thick. The adjectives point to the quality with which the burger is crafted. I don't know what a smoked alder salt is but it must be part of what makes the burger so good. Okay, that's enough italics.
That's it for food. Next up: Movies, Hang Stats and Miscellaneous.
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