🂡 Kaleidoscope 🂡

And at the end of the day? They don't marry each other. They don't date. Because they are friends.

Not of life or of myself, not even of people. but the crippling expectation that seeps into every action i take and every fucking word i say. You looked at that boy, surely that means, you hesitated at the girl, that must be. i feel like im being choked by a lie i haven't even uttered, ive never felt the need to come out as much as i do right now, but at the same time i have never wanted to hide more, I dont come out for the sanme reason i am not hidden. I tell people as i go, i dont feel the need but fuck do i want to scream it, i want it fucking tattooed on my heart, not for you not for anyone. mine, my heart. for no one else. Im not lying but im not telling the truth with every assumption made about me, and every lie they unknowing tell how is it that i feel like i am the one committing some social faux pas? its a weight not unlike water above me, im not drowning yet i have air left in my tank, but i lost my gage, its smashed against the rocks below and i have no idea how much longer i can do this before i need to breathe.

I've identified as aroace for about 4ish years now, and as of last month, I got my first romantic partner! I'm not 100% sure what my feelings are towards him (dw, I've told him about this). The only thing I can say for certain is that I want to be able to call him mine.

I hesitate to call it "actual" love in a traditional sense because it started out as an overwhelming, all-consuming feeling, but now it's leveled out. It's still there, however now it's much, much weaker than before.

Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling. The question I wanted to ask was, how do I know the difference between being an aromantic person who feels little romantic attraction, or just being allo?

Well, first off, I recommend looking into different types of attraction (tertiary, sensual, queerplatonic, alterous, etc.) to see if anything other than "romantic" clicks with you. https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Attraction Or, you can just go unlabeled or make up your own label for what you feel (all experiences are subjective!).

And feelings can be confusing, especially since this is your first romantic partner. I remember feeling the same way when I got into my first QPR, and also when I romantically dated my BFF. And I had almost the same experience as you!

Actually, for me, while I do heavily identify with the aromantic spectrum (I am in fact demi-, grey-, and many other things), I prefer to be referred to as more allo (since that term fits my experience better. Yes, I do have a difficult/different time in relationships and romantic love, and I do fall under the aro spectrum; however, I prefer to align myself with being alloromantic).

And what does that tell us? That what determines calling yourself aro or allo is mostly determined by you, your experiences, and community.

General rule of thumb:

If your experiences don't connect to being allo, you're probably aro(spec).

If your experiences don't connect to being aro(spec), you're probably allo.

If your experiences both connect to being aro(spec) AND being allo, you probably have fluctuating, conditional, or vague levels of attraction (aroflux, arospike, arojump, demi-, apres-, grey-, etc.).

If your experiences don't connect to either being aro(spec) OR being allo, you probably fall outside the split attraction model (differentiating between sexual and romantic attraction, or other types of attraction) or an attraction model wholly.

(For other questioning folks to know, these apply to asexuality as well. But this post will be focused on romantic attraction.)

The best thing I can recommend is taking some time to let things figure themselves out. You don't have to rush with a label for yourself. Maybe feelings will even out, or you will have that one eureka moment.

If you want my opinion regarding this (note I am just some guy running a blog): I don't know enough about your situation or how you feel, but so far, it seems to me that your experiences align with someone who is arospec or an aro with alterous or non-conventional romantic attraction. 4 years of calling yourself aroace and only now getting a relationship (along with having uncertain feelings) tells me that you're not allo (or at the very least, not a conventional one).

And as I said, these experiences aligned closely with mine, so I hope I at least had some insight on the matter! And I hope you guys have a very healthy and happy relationship!! :D

i feel how fucking obsessed with romance this entire world is, i feel how all my friends want to fall in love- will fall in love, have a partner who becomes their first priority. i feel how freaking alienating it is when the conversation more often than not shifts to romance and i just feel like phasing out... that oh. yeah haha guys, i dont really want a bf, no.

the big happy ending is kiss, fall in love, marry. the songs all sing of this 'you' who captivates the people endlessly. god, is this love they sing, act and dream of this special? is this romance thing this beautiful? is it just fiction or is it really that fine and majestic and all consuming, goddamit? guess ill never know.

Someone: “Okay but take away cuddling and holding hands and stuff, like do you want to go on dates?”

Me: “Well I mean I do like spending time with people!!”

Someone: “Okay but do you feel the same with everyone?”

Me: “Uhh, I guess so. Oh, but with certain people it’s stronger!”

Someone: “Now do you WANT to date DATE them or just be friends? Or maybe perhaps a QPR?”

Me: “Well now that you mention it, it’s hard to tell but with some I do just kinda wanna be friends but with others I’d be okay with either dating or a QPR!”

Someone: “I dunno seems like platonic and alterous attraction to me…”

Somone: "Would you want to date them?"

Me: "No not really. I'd humor a QPR but dating them doesn't sound very appealing."

Someone: "Well, do you think you have a crush?"