Simply me :)

It took me a while to come to terms that I missed the familiarity and comfort that I craved and you provided, but not necessarily you. Once I had finally forced myself to accept that fact, it made taking this last step so much easier. I had to force you out of your comfort zone but also myself out of mine. I had to make this uncomfortable… be aggressive. Or so I thought.

I underestimated the level of connection we have, the mutual understanding, and your trust in me (which I do apologize for). You were honest and I finally admitted what I had known deep down in my heart and hid at the very back of my brain since June- this has to end.

There’s no clear winner in this game but we’re both learning more about ourselves and each other. I have learned a lot and become a lot stronger but of course also got hurt along he way. You, equally, have learned a lot but this relationship has pulled the darkest demons out of the both of us and made us face them headfirst.

One of the most amazing people to have walked this earth. 

It will be a week tomorrow but I never expected our last goodbye to be our final goodbye. 

My first memory of you comes from 2001... a little blurry but still in my mind, My first visit to China, my first time meeting all of these relatives who I had no idea existed, and my first time meeting my grandmother who I had only been able to imagine... until then. 

You were always energetic- running around, joking around with everyone, and socializing around the town. Your high pitched voice, your laugh, your 5 sweaters and 3 pairs of pants in the winter. The way your forehead crinkles when you either scolding someone or laughing at something, the way you would make fun of us for being ABCs but proudly pointing out that we are well connected to our heritage, the way you were shocked when you got on an escalator for the first time and had mcdonalds for the first time, the way you would run around the marketplace, practically knowing every single person there.

I never wrapped my head around the idea that you were aging, quite fast while at that. Every time we spoke on the phone I would hear you loud and clear and every time i saw you i would be amazed at how quickly you walked despite being well into your 90s. but my last visit to China was when I realized you were aging- you no longer spoke to me in cantonese, you moved slower around the house and no longer climbed the stairs to the second floor, you visited the doctor much more frequently, and you would pick fights with everyone but only because you craved the attention and company of others. Even then... you were still a star. You scrambled to make me food that I had mentioned wanting to eat, you took care of me when I came down with a fever, you proudly showed us off to all of your friends at the market, and you even comforted me when I started crying, telling me that I’ll visit soon and you’ll save me a drumstick.