Lyme Logue (and other laden musings)

Lyme amplifies my predisposition to anxiety/depression...I’m sure this is the case with most of you out there, sigh. Perhaps I’m speaking to the void, or to myself, but nevertheless, I'm hoping I’m not the only one who feels like their anxiety has felt entitled to my entire body through chronic illness. Bleh. (A daily Fuck You to Lyme Disease. Thanks.)

After 6 years (and a 2 year Lyme diagnosis) I decided to try my hand at antidepressants. First, Lexapro. Anxiety managed...yay. Depression magnified...boo. Zombie mode was in full effect, I went to work, I ate little, I slept, too much. I’m taking a week off of meds to see how my body feels, is this who I am? Am I just an emotionless zombie now or was the medication affecting me into abnormal detachment?

I think it’s so interesting (perhaps interesting is the incorrect word “interesting” with emphatic eyeroll at the end perhaps)...when individuals who have never experienced anxiety/depression/bpd/mental illness etc.  give you a hearty *pats* “you’ll get through this...it’s not forever” or something along the lines that this is temporary. To anyone out there who reads this who feels they’re in stable mental state, don’t say this to me. I’m not speaking for the broader mental health community, but I don’t need to hear the equivalent to a snarky “this is just a phase, mom.” In my opinion, through my personal experience, mental health or mental stability isn’t something you overcome; you’re not going to wake up 10 years down the line and realize “hey...I’m all better!” I mean; it’s really not the equivalent of a broken bone.  I know there’s a lot of these graphics floating around the internet:

One semester of undergrad left! I completed my last final today. I’m excited, but also terrified, but also ready to go forward. I was trying to finish my final today, you know – one of those essays where you’re supposed to compile literally everything that was crammed into your brain over the past 14 weeks into a few a eloquently synthesized pages. Well, I knew what I wanted to say, but I was really creeky today. Does anyone else out there in the void have those days? Where your body just makes noises and you’re not really sure where it’s coming from? I’m pretty sure I have acute carpal tunnel after five pages of droning on about how media diversity/representation is really just a capitalistic ploy. (It is!)

(Here is a brief explanation as to not let anyone who stumbles upon this believe I’m some sort of postfeminist/post-racial culture enthusiast... diversity and minority representation is one of the best things that’s happening to mainstream media right now, but I think we have to think about it a bit smarter than that. We’re representing minorities, but are we accurately representing minorities? Modern Family for example; does the gay community appreciate this representation? Does the antithesis of nuclear family? What about the Latina community? I can’t answer any of those questions, because I’m not an explicit community member. BUT, my point is we’re not going to know the repercussions of the romanticization of poverty (Shameless - although great entertainment), classism, racism in modern media until after post-production UNTIL we have equal representation in the production boardroom. We need minorities inside the creation process to fully represent diversity. My second point (and I don’t think this can ever truly be proven) is that diversity is expected in 2017, networks have entire sectors dedicated to the management of diversity (mainly liabilities, I presume), but diversity = profit. Diversity in the mainstream shows progressiveness. Progression = MONEY. There’s more but, that’s for later).

I digress... my joints are creeking. The anthem of my gait. The stitch in my mouth is not hurting me though. Consequently, fighting Lyme doesn’t allow for me to really have the time to fight off peripheral infections; so I decided to get my tooth pulled after my dentist let’s say “mismanaged” a dental procedure I had done. Resulting in A.) Root Canal, that may not 100% clear out the infection. B.) Extraction - 100% clears out the infection. I chose B. My body is tired. So here I am, tapping away, with my soft foods and stitched mouth; writing about creeks and media theory.

I hope your day was filled with friendly creeks.

I’ve been struggling a lot over the past couple months coming to terms with some of the newer symptoms I’ve been experiencing. Hip/knee pain, bruising, headaches have been a strong presence, but those are easy to deal with. Physical pain manifest a lot differently in my life than mental pain. The mental pain has always been at the back of my mind; for as long as I’ve been aware of my own “internal monologue” I’ve noticed doubt and darkness. I am sure that is something we all experience at times.

The past couple months have shifted mental pain to the forefront of my mind. Mental pain I describe as an alteration of reality, a constant crippling sense of anxiety etc. When you’re dealing with an illness in your mind it’s easy to have your presence in reality broken. Over the past few months I’ve seen myself analyze the interactions between me and others, constantly. Am I burdening them with my illness? (Yes! I convince myself). Am I guilty, should I feel guilty? (YES! I convince myself again). I’ve found it’s getting more and more difficult to be able to accept and receive love when I have this consistent sense that I’m burdensome - I’m filled with guilt.

I didn’t ask for Lyme to enter my life, but am I doing all I can to get it out? Somedays (most days) it feels that getting dressed is a mental exercise. Making a grocery list is unthinkable. I’m a student; and I’ve always been a “good” student. I’m aware I put an inordinate amount of pressure on myself (as I’m sure you do too - reader of this rant!). I’m aware that I alter my reality into thinking that I am difficult to love. Well, I am difficult to love, but I’m not unlovable. There is this tenuous line, I think. You know that your mind is challenging you, warping you, you know it’s happening! But, knowing it’s happening and not allowing yourself to be consumed in doubt are two separate things.

Hi there - welcome to my first…blog? I'm not sure what you've stumbled upon either, but nevertheless, greetings. I suppose I should introduce myself first.