The last of the prices from my giveaway for the lovely @luminella who requested Laurent as the Tarot Card The Sun. 

uh. I mean, I’m not exactly the right person to answer this, because in a situation like yours (i.e. every time I see a picture of myself that isn’t from one of two angles), the thing I really want to do is have a complete psychological meltdown that manifests in skipping meals for a week, going into a weird emotional fugue state that makes me throw all my clothes around the room the next time I get dressed, and allowing my insecurities to make me draining and horrible to be around for at least 72 hours. 

obviously that’s like–incredibly shitty advice. 

I have a very bad and broken brain in this respect, and I completely understand the manic urge to cope using the strategies in the first paragraph. but you can’t. like, honestly, you just can’t. that’s not coping, that’s going briefly, violently crazy, and leaves you in just as awful a place as you were before. 

so here are some things to do instead

don’t look at pictures other people take of you. like, lord god this is simple. sometimes it can’t be avoided, but a lot of times it can. if you and your friends are out having a nice time and someone whips out their phone, stand there and smile and then don’t ask to see it. otherwise you’ll pick it apart in your head for the next half hour, and that’s if you like it. don’t do things you know are going to throw a wrench in an otherwise fun day. 

go buy bubble bath or a bath bomb or a thing of essential oils and run some almost-too-hot water into the tub. pour yourself a glass of red wine and eat two slices of pizza in the bath while watching old episodes of will & grace. you’ll feel nice and maybe a little tipsy and everything will smell good and you’ll be better inclined towards your body while it’s helping you enjoy yourself. 

find the instagram or tumblr of someone you think is gorgeous or stylish or sexy and just like. go through their selfies. but, and this is important, make sure they’re someone with the same body type as yours. see how good they look? that’s not going to shut up the voice going well yeah, she looks great and maybe we have the same measurements but I have weird knees and fat legs and a face that looks like a moon that’s also made of cheese, BUT the longer you scroll, the harder it will get to avoid thinking about your body and their body as two of the same thing. 

do you like clothes? buy something. I am a firm believer in one-and-done retail therapy. don’t like your body? well, find a dress you like and put it on your body. you can’t magically change your feelings about your physical appearance overnight, but you can paint the walls of your corporeal apartment. 

remember that I feel the same way. sometimes I get dressed or see myself in profile or exist in a picture and my whole day is ruined. the hottest, most fashionable people you know feel exactly like you do. it’s not a mood, or a lack of confidence, it’s a sickness, and it wants to fuck your life up. I work to push past it every day, and you can too.

You looked fine. You looked as pretty as you thought you did. I bet you got compliments that day (things people do not give just to hear themselves talk, btw). You “looking thinner” has no bearing on how fashionable you are or how well you wore your clothes when the pictures were taken, so you can trash that idea too. Do you think I’m fashionable? Based on the way you addressed this ask, I’d assume so! Well, I’m not thin. I’m not plus sized, but I’m not ooo, she looks like the kind of girl who could pull that off, either. But I do. I always pull it off, because the size of my ass doesn’t determine whether a garment looks good on it. 

Bonnibel Bubblegum - title card

designed by Hanna K Nyström

painted by Joy Ang

I know it sounds flippant but… certain things are fundamentally performative.  And other things are so close as makes no difference.

Kindness is performative.  Actions are kind, and people are kind by performing those actions.  You can’t “pretend” to be kinder than you are, you can only perform kindness or not perform kindness, and choosing to perform kindness is always worthwhile, no matter how much you may second-guess your motivations.

Strength is so many things.  It takes strength to pretend a strength you don’t feel.  And the way to achieve strength is to exercise it, so long as you do it in enough moderation to not strain or break anything.  Being able to affect strength when necessary while being able to put it down again when that in turn is necessary is healthy.  Everyone starts weight training with the littlest weights.  It’s not fake or pretending to do what you gotta do in any given situation.

Funniness lives in the interlocutor, not in the speaker.  It doesn’t matter how funny you think you are (or think you are pretending to be) - that’s not how it’s measured.  At what point are you “pretending” to be a musician if the music still gets made?  And often what it’s tempting to describe in first person as “pretending” is more accurately described in the third person as “practicing” - which is of course the way you cause things to Be.

Sociability is also performative.  Pretending to be sociable is just…being sociable, despite a disinclination towards it.  It’s making an effort towards something you value.  So long as the effort is not so great that it backfires into resentment, there’s no practical difference.  

Qualities or activities or whatever are no less worthy because you have to actively choose to perform them.  If anything, the worthiness lies in the act of choosing.  It’s not “pretending” - it’s agency.

tl;dr: ain’t nothing wrong with “fake it till you make it.”  A plastic spoon* holds just as much soup as a “real” one

(5 September 1946 – 24 November 1991)