Kinda shy for a Jedi.

I was kinda thinking about this stuff as I was replying to birthday asks, ‘cause I have different types of relationships with different friends, so I wanted to explain my mindsets around these things. :)

1) My Name:

So, I’m okay with being called by my real name again—(I briefly retracted the privilege when I had a post go viral and someone told me to kill myself and I freaked the flip out because at the time I had gone public with my first and last name because I had the delusion of becoming an art influencer and Getting Exposure)—anyway, I’m okay with being called my real name again, if I have introduced myself as my real name to you. Besides the going viral thing, I also felt kinda weird when mutuals of mutuals who I had never met/didn’t have a relationship with me were calling me by my real-life name. If I wanted everyone to call me my real name from the get-go, I would put it in my bio. Some people do that. I have chosen not to do that.

Now, I’m absolutely open to becoming friends with new people and mutuals of mutuals, but we have to go through the steps to get there. Yes, I realize this is the autism website, so I don’t fault anyone who has trouble with social cues. But I am Shywalker for a reason lol, and this is the internet, and although my real name isn’t a secret, I don’t want to go by my real name with someone unless I myself feel comfortable with it and give them permission to do that (and part of feeling comfortable may also have to do with your age, which will be addressed in the second part).

I realize this could create a weird hierarchy thing, where some people are “allowed” to call me my real name and others are “not allowed” to call me that, as if the people who call me my real name have some kind of special favor from me, but…that’s not what I’m trying to do here. I have some very close mutuals who undoubtedly know my real name by now, but still choose not to call me by my real name, out of internet tradition or because they themselves don’t share their real name online. So, whether someone calls me by my screen name or real name isn’t necessarily a delineation between who I’m close to or not.

2) Friendships With Minors:

I’m not going to be as close with teenagers on here anymore. For the past couple years, in my early twenties, adopting teenagers on here was like, My Thing, because when you’re in your early twenties you just feel like a Really Old Teenager. But I’m almost thirty now, and it doesn’t feel appropriate anymore to behave with teenagers as if I were also one myself. We can relate like I’m a friend of your parents, or like I’m one of your teachers at school, but…if you’re still a minor, we’re not really peers. So I will relate to you with respect, and treat you like the bright, mature adolescent that you are, but I will not relate to you as a peer. (Actually I had a few times where I was talking to users whose age I didn’t know and ventured into discussing mature topics like sex as it relates to media, marriage, religion, etc—ONLY TO FIND OUT THEY WERE, LIKE, FIFTEEN, and it is inappropriate for an adult on the internet to have private conversations discussing sex with a teenager.) So—I’m down to interact with you when I see you around, but if you’re a teenager, and I seem to be holding boundaries with you or I’m not following you back, that may be why.

Now, if we’re already close friends from my adopting-teenagers-phase…well, we don’t have to STOP being close friends, I’m not saying that. I’m pretty sure most of the teenagers I was friends with before are either legal adults now, or at least close to it, so…like, we can still be friends lol, I’m not going to go back on the friendship we built when we were both a little younger. But this is my new boundary going forward, from this point on, and I hope that makes sense.

3) Who I Follow Back/“Honorary Mutuals”:

I’ve really pared down my Tumblr dash so that I can reasonably scroll through the entire thing each day. I’ve even unfollowed all the Star Wars blogs I used to follow, even the Kylo Ren photoset blogs (which tells you a lot), specifically for this purpose. What I want to see on my dash are people’s personal posts, as weird at that sounds, because my preferred Tumblr experience these days is really person-focused rather than fandom-focused.

So, when I choose to follow someone, it is purely based on whether I want all their posts to show up on my dashboard. I may choose not to follow someone who has a very high post volume that will make it harder for me to scroll through my dash and see other people’s updates; I may choose not to follow someone who reblogs a lot of tag games and really long chain posts; I may choose not to follow someone who posts a lot of fandom posts that are not relevant to me. I maaay sometimes choose not to follow someone if they have negative vibes and I think seeing their posts will influence me negatively (AND NO JUDGMENT THERE, I MYSELF HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR THE PAST YEAR AND HAVE ADMITTEDLY HAD SOME VERY NEGATIVE VIBES AND I AM PRETTY SURE PEOPLE UNFOLLOWED ME FOR THAT AS WAS THEIR RIGHT).

As a result, I have people on here that I definitely consider friends and “honorary mutuals”, even if I’m not technically mutuals with them because I’m not following their blog. I get happy when I see them in my notes and when they comment on my posts, tag me in things, etc. So another reason why I may not follow people back (besides their age) may be that hey, you have full reign and authority to post whatever and however much you want, and you should super do that ‘cause it’s your blog (Today: content that caters specifically to you. Tomorrow: content that caters specifically to you.), but I may not want all your posts on my dash, because I like to keep it so I can scroll through the whole thing every day and primarily see posts I am interested in seeing.

Likewise, if someone doesn’t want to see 5000 posts about my Ben Solo ask blog and watch me succumb to depression in real time lol (now updated to going into remission in real time! Yay!), they should not follow my blog, lol. It’s not following or not following the person, it’s following or not following the person’s blog. So, that’s the principle I’m working with here. I kinda wish there was a way to have “favorite users” while also not having their posts on your dash, but I doubt other people would use a feature like that; I think that’s just a me thing.

fannie resorting to the very things she disagreed with ben on because she’s not getting her needs met. and feeling horrible about it. and ben going for the “i really don’t think you need to feel bad about this and i actually think it’s better this way” angle which does not make her feel better. and also the compromise they made regarding contraceptives is to work around her cycle, BUT if she ever wants to do it otherwise, he’s not complying without putting ppe on the p. a compromise she made with him only because she intended never to fall back on it. except she keeps on falling back on it because she’s so frustrated. and then she feels horrible. and now there’s also this thing where, every time, ben is like “ok but if we do this then we gotta do that are you really sure you’re okay with this?” and she goes “yes” in the moment but fifteen minutes later she’s crying in the bathroom. and this happens every time. and it puts him in an awkward and painful position because if he says “no, we can’t, you always regret it when we do this” she cries anyway because she’s so frustrated and it feels like it is eating her from the inside and she got married so that she wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore and yet she still does

this, of course, on top of everything else i’ve already laid out so far

“I’d always pinned her as a prude” There is an interesting thing going on between Ben and Fannie where Ben is less interested in sex but has fewer scruples about it, and Fannie is more interested in it but also has more things she isn’t willing to do. In some situations this comes across as Ben being more comfortable with sex than Fannie, and in other situations Fannie seems more comfortable than Ben.

“Sometimes she came back with…” bruises. That’s what I was thinking there

“I don’t understand why you find that traumatizing” Example of Fannie being more comfortable than Ben—he haaates the idea of his parents getting up to HanLeia shenanigans but Fannie finds it sweet

“But then you’d be my sister, and I couldn’t date you” *cough* Rey

“You do come across as pretty sheltered” Fannie is sorta complex in that at first glance she seems really innocent, hasn’t been exposed to a lot, etc., but then you remember the family she came from…if she’s overscrupulous, it likely comes from a place of overcorrection because of how unscrupulous her family is

“My understandings were incomplete for a long time. I didn’t know women could feel.” I think what Fannie probably first learned about sex from her mother/culture is that it’s a thing women must endure from men in order to a) please them and b) bear children, that no pleasure is due to the woman, that sex is both something to avoid (to avoid sexual violence) and something she would be expected to provide to a man someday. Obviously I have explored Ben’s sexuality at length but I have a lot of thoughts about Fannie’s sexuality too that I haven’t gotten to fully examine

“I feared there was something wrong with me when I first began to experience desire/I thought there was something wrong with me that I didn’t” Both Ben and Fannie are afraid there’s something wrong with them for the way they are, and it’s tied up in gender expectations for both of them as well (Fannie is afraid she wants too much for a woman, Ben is anxious about being so far off from the average male experience). And they’re TOGETHER. As a COUPLE. She’s afraid of a) asking too much of him but also b) not having her needs met in marriage, which is terrifying because in every example of marriage from back home (well. is Ruut Pentarra one example or five examples?) the husband does NOT care about the needs of the wife. In Fashha’s “marriage” the marriage basically doesn’t exist and Fashha is left to care for herself. And Ben is afraid of a) not being able to meet Fannie’s needs, but also b) having too much asked of him, being obligated to give up parts of himself (literally, I suppose), and THAT is all tied up in the Snoke thing for him. Anyway, they’re a perfect storm.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Ben”/“There’s nothing wrong with you, either” They both WANT to ease the other’s fears that they’re broken for being the way they are. They both WANT the other person to feel happy and confident and unworried about their nature. They’re just in a relationship where those exact natures come into conflict and threaten the other. Oh man

“You’re just a girl with normal needs that I, as a superior and further-evolved life form, have never [had to be burdened with]” He’s joking. Or is he? That might be actually how he feels. Which feels great as a way to cope when he has felt broken since adolescence for this, but to view sexual desire as like this stupid debuff that weighs down all the inferior plebes (including his wife) is…hm… I mean he IS joking. But I think whenever Ben jokes about something, it inevitably tells on him in some way.

“Since when do you say ‘shut up?’” I have had a running thing going of Fannie becoming sassier the longer she spends in a relationship with Ben and I do not know how I feel about it

“‘I retract my previous statement. You’re a freak…’ … Fannie got all quiet” Once again. He’s joking. But this kinda hits right on all her fears about herself.

“…Oh. We’re still talking about that?”/“I…was still thinking about it.” This is just a great two-line snapshot of The Issue

“…I meant climax.” I am SO tickled by conversations between Ben and Fannie where they just insist on using two separate vocabularies while talking to each other and it’s especially evident when they talk about sensitive subjects

“Well, it’s not as great as people make it sound. In my opinion, at least.” Example of Ben being more casual talking about this topic while Fannie is more flustered. I think because to him there’s kind of a separation between the biological existence of the sexual function, and sex as it exists socioculturally. Another interesting thing here where we learn that Ben, who has little-to-no sexual interest, has apparently experienced a sexual phenomenon enough times to speak casually about it and explain it from his perspective, while Fannie, who has much more sexual interest, has not experienced this at all.

“Did you lie to me, Ben Solo?” OH I was evil for this. Just…imagining being inside Fannie’s brain at that moment…oh man

“Thankfully, there was no one there” Setting up for the joke rule of three >:)

“Finally, wide-eyed, without moving in any other way, I made a loose fist…” This. This was the bit that lived rent-free in my brain for months. I can see the scene in my mind. Just…the beat of silence beforehand and then this. 😭

“The comedic timing of the other patrons here is statistically unlikely” he is living in my Truman Show I fear

“She had flushed pink, but…didn’t exactly look uncomfortable” FANNIE PENTARRA.

“Usually thinking about how quickly I can get rid of it so I can go do whatever it is I actually want to be doing. I got it down to a thirty-second science.” Y’know I wonder if spending a decade or more basically training yourself to speedrun ejaculation because you hate it and think it’s annoying could possibly lead to any sexual dysfunction in a committed relationship down the line…idk…just a thought

“Which wasn’t really that often, up until we got enga—oh. Huh” bro 😭

“She had turned even pinker, and looked like she was suppressing a smile” She does NOT want to be as happy about the thought of Ben needing to hm-hm more because of her as she just got…oh girl

“I think its purpose is to bring two people together, and give them something special to share” So—my thing with Fannie is that I truly deeply respect her. My hope with her as a character is that, even with all her lines in the sand, she doesn’t come across as a two-dimensional prude. I really have a heart to make her make sense and portray her as a genuine person with reasons behind the way she thinks that are not simply motivated by judgment or false superiority, even if Ben or you or I don’t agree with her on any number of things. I think it works well to view her from Ben’s perspective, because he doesn’t agree with her on a lot of things, but he still tolerates her and can understand the framework she’s coming from, even if he himself believes it to be flawed or unfounded.

“Fannie looked hurt.” I think we have a pretty good handle on how Ben feels about this. He sees a separation between sexual function as a biological reality, and sex as a relational act. Fannie does not see that distinction. To her, sex is a relational act, maybe even spiritual in some sense, and the biological functions that are involved inextricably exist to support it. She doesn’t understand the idea of him having a bodily response designed for sex and not wanting to have sex. In her experience, the bodily response is linked to the psychological desire and the two always go together. She doesn’t understand his experience. For him to say “I want to be able to just take care of it myself instead of having sex with you” to her sounds like a HUGE rejection and a selfish statement, and calls to mind the situation of her father choosing to meet his own needs however he pleases, in the absence of her mother and with zero regard or interest in her mother at all.

“My contrarianism began to activate / I said, doubling down” BEN SOLO.

“‘Cause now you’re expecting me to give you your first orgasm. And I’ll try, but it’s kind of going to be like putting together an [Ikea] table without the instructions” This is foreshadowing. Operating within her stated constraints, I do not think Fannie would be able to successfully achieve and experience orgasm in…a…while. And she’s the one who actually experiences a desire, even a need to. It’s both a physical/skill thing, and it’s a psychological thing, and both of those aspects are compromised. Who did this to them?!—oh yeah it was me

“‘Cause now you’re expecting me to give you your first orgasm. And I’ll try, but it’s [gonna be a puzzle] / And then all the pressure wouldn’t be on me to make you happy / Doesn’t mean I’ll be good at it. And if I can’t, it’d be nice to know you can take care of yourself” This is just Fannie getting punched in the face repeatedly with the dawning realization that there is a very real chance that marriage to Ben, which she rushed into in part because of her desires, may not actually fulfill those desires at all. This is also Ben flipping his previous statements around because his Arguing Mode got triggered. Before he was like “We’ll figure it out, I want to make you happy, making you happy makes me happy” but now he wants to fight because he feels his autonomy has been threatened and after what he went through with Snoke (also issues with his mom) he is quick to fight when he senses a threat to his right to have control over himself. And that’s really bad for Fannie right now because she comes from that background of feeling shame for female sexual desire (Connie and Pennie are pretty brazen about theirs, but Connie and Pennie are not good people in most aspects, leading Fannie to wonder if desiring sex the way her sisters do makes her like her sisters), she comes from that background of men not giving a crap about doing anything for women, and also just for Ben to flip on her like that after originally being supportive/comforting. I think we have a really good handle on how this scene feels to Ben, but I think it really, really, really hurts Fannie very deeply.

“I just don’t think that means I should always have to give myself to you or have to bear the burden of doing everything for you. I don’t think it’s fair to me.” This is just the cherry on top of all of that. The implication that Fannie’s desires make her demanding or overbearing. At the beginning she said she was afraid of wanting too much from him, and he’s basically just confirmed that to her.

“I’m sorry for being selfish / Whatever we do will be enough … and I shouldn’t want any more than that / I ought to love you more than myself—that’s what love is / Can you forgive me?” Oh, man. Fannie has tied up all her fear and suppression of herself into a neat little package of humility and generosity and self-sacrifice and penitence. Changing him is not an option it seems, so she elects to change herself (or try to). In her deeper self, she feels he is being selfish and unkind to her, but she doesn’t dare to express that; she doesn’t know if she’s reasonable to think that; so she does what she can—concludes that she must be the one who is being selfish and unkind, because she can at least control herself, and attempts to orient herself to him to achieve harmony. And Ben, who is only aware of his own perspective, sees this apology as warranted, and doesn’t think to probe about her perspective or her feelings or whether there’s any way in which he has been unkind to her during this exchange. To his credit, he tries to check to make sure they’re good now, but he takes it at face value, which is just how she wants him to take it—she’s afraid of her desires and longings as something that could threaten her relationship with him, and wants to bury them.

“C’mere, I want to show you this thing about the butterflies” The bit way earlier where Ben was about to change the subject to the butterflies, but Fannie was still thinking about sex was my little emblem representing this whole little tug of war. Fannie allowed him run away with the rope. It’s butterfly time now.

“She followed me dutifully to the plaque and listened to me talk, and paid rapt attention, and kept her smile” Taken at face value, this whole ending comes across as a resolution. Fannie apologizes, Ben accepts her apology and thanks her for reassuring him, Fannie smiles and says she’s glad, Ben kisses her and goes “See, told you we work everything out in the end,” and they change the subject, and Fannie seems more than happy to listen to him talk about butterflies or whatever. And this is exactly how Ben takes it. We don’t really know what Fannie’s thinking. And neither does he.

Rated M for…well I have a word but I’m not gonna say it dbhdhhdhdhfnjdjf. In all seriousness—there’s no making out in this one, but they are talking about sex. Takes place a couple weeks before the wedding.

I handwrote this so I wouldn’t be able to edit it, because I didn’t want to get stuck on it lol. But the bit in this that would make you go “SHYWALKER. *spritzes you with a spray bottle*” has lived rent-free in my mind for some time and I’m cackling about finally getting it out.

Since I didn’t edit it I’m not 100% satisfied with it, especially with the ending, but I have other things I need to do, so, oh well!!! Feel free to share your alternate ending idea with me if you think I’m not nice enough to the fake people

THIS IS @greenmirror’s FAULT FOR BEING SO OUT-OF-POCKET. ANYWAY.

This one is rated M for Married (or Matoor Zoobles Only). I wouldn’t call it sexually explicit (actually they never even get to having sex and that’s kinda the instigating plot point), but it is sexually candid and it gets a little horny in the middle, so if you’re sensitive to sexual content for any reason please proceed with wisdom and good judgment. 👊

IF YOU ENJOY THIS FIC. PLEASE LET ME KNOW. SO I AM NOT JUST SITTING HERE EMBARRASSED…YEAH

—

“No, no, Fan, you’re on the departure level. You’ve gotta go around again. I’m on arrivals. I don’t under—why are you guys lost? My mom’s been to this spaceport a hundred billion times. Like what, is she goin’ senile? Uh—don’t tell her I said that. You’re not on speaker, are you? Good. Yeah, okay. Uh-huh, Door Three. Yeah, see ya soon. Okay. Uh-huh. Love ya. Bye.”

I ended the comm and returned to pacing back and forth. It had been three months since I’d been back home on Hosnian Prime, and while I was glad to be back, I couldn’t help but feel antsy. Transitions had always been a little difficult for me, and I had just gotten used to starcruiser life.

Plus, now I had no idea what I was doing next. There was the position Senator Casterfo had offered, but that was guaranteed to send me and my mom down the path of full-blown war. And there was the diner where Fan was working, but a) I wanted to go as long as possible without resorting to food service, and b) I didn’t want to work with my wife—given what I’d went through working with my mom, it just seemed like a bad idea.

Besides. The whole reason I took this job was to get away from her.