Lucy :

I never imagined these are words I would say aloud. I never imaged this is a situation I would ever be in in my entire life, but it's true. I let myself carry on with a man who wasn't mine. For almost an entire year, we had what I would call a relationship. While we never slept together in the sense that we both reached a climax, there were numerous intimate encounters that I am not proud of and would never boast about. 

I am ashamed of myself, my actions, and I regret my decisions. But, this leads me to my question.... Do I regret my decisions only because I didn't end up with him? Would I have regretted my decisions if he left his girlfriend for me, like he had said he wanted to? 

I am sure you know who I am talking about, of course this is The Main Character. Let's back ourselves up in this story, I have been too embarrassed to talk about it. Maybe now, though, after an afternoon of drinking endless pitchers of sangria and now a glass of wine on my own back patio I feel open enough to let you in on my secrets.

At the beginning of September of last year, maybe it was the end of August, regardless, it was the closing night party of the theatre we were working at. His girlfriend wasn't there and we got drunk and ended up mucking about, as he calls it. I had previously admitted to him my feelings were still intact and I was keeping my distance for a reason, but still, that happened and I was embarrassed. That was the first time I had ever, knowingly, been intimate with someone committed in a relationship before. 

At the end of it all, we got into an argument and I moved on with The Hairdresser, as I am sure you all remember. Well, one night when I was talking about The Hairdresser to a large group of friends, including the Main Character, he texted me to tell me that he was jealous, that he still had feelings for me, and that he wanted to be with me. What was I supposed to do? He asked me not to make him commit to anything in that moment, because he had a busy week at work. I am in the same industry as him, so to speak, so I understood. I let him be for that week, he told me he wanted to break up with his girlfriend and be with me, but I had already moved on as well. I broke up with the Hairdresser in part because of this, because I wanted to be with him and I was ready.

Well, let's fast forward to eleven months later. He hasn't left his girlfriend. I am still by myself. But now, really, I am by myself. There has been eleven months of us fighting; because he tells me he wants to be with me but he won't leave his girlfriend. There has been eleven months of me crying, because when we are together it is anything but friendship, we naturally fall into a very intimate encounter. For the last eleven months, it has been nothing but us talking absolutely every single day, being there for each other emotionally and making plans to see each other physically.

It came to a halt when I got severely drunk at a Christmas party and made a fool of myself in front of everyone and I thought he realized just how severely this "affair" was affecting me. At that point, I wanted nothing more than to maintain a friendship with him. Throughout this entire charade, I always wanted to be just his friend. It is only now that I realize, I am too battered to be his friend. This has taken too much of a toll on me that I can't see him without hurting to the core.

Once January approached, we met up for a coffee where he admitted to me that he regretted not taking the opportunity to be with me when it arose. I tried to play this off as simply and cooly as possible but on the inside I was an actual disaster. I wanted to tell him he still had his chance, we could still be together, I was still there if he wanted me.

Our emotional and sometimes physical affair resumed when we began working together at the theatre. He always had a difficult time accepting it when I started dating other people, but on the same coin I have a yearning to be in something real and committed with someone and he wasn't offering that to me. He wished me a Happy Valentines Day and told me he wanted to buy me Flowers but didn't think it was appropriate. I spent the night cuddling with him on his couch late in the month, but slept on the couch because we knew we couldn't be in the same bed without it going further than it should. We fought over these things, because I so badly wanted to give myself to him again but knew I couldn't lose myself in that. Cuddling and kissing and friendly hands was enough for me, I couldn't do it all. 

This cycle of fighting, not talking, talking, wanting to be together, quasi-dating each other, et cetera went on for months. Until, in the beginning of May when he finally told me that he was planning on moving in with his girlfriend. This is just a short week from the time where we were spending time together, intimately, cuddling, and talking about our own relationship and where it was going to go. Of course, I was heartbroken. I was crying on the phone when he told me, incoherently bawling my eyes out and he told me he was coming over.

He came over and consoled me, telling me that it was how things had to be, he needed to give this a chance, despite us. I was actually inconsolable, I told him not to do it, that I loved him, that he should give us a chance, but of course I was drunk, blubbering, and it was past midnight when we both had to work in the morning. 

We talked about things, or well, we meant to talk about things. And it just turned into his girlfriend being away for two weeks and me spending every night at his apartment, hanging out, cuddling, talking, and being together. Again, I am falling for his every move. Everything he does, I follow. He is my kryptonite, and I am powerless. I don't mean to make myself seem like a martyr here, but sometimes I feel I am, I don't know what power he has over me but he is entirely my achilles heal. 

More fighting ensued when he then told me he never had any feelings for me and that the time we had been spending together meant nothing more than pure friendship. I went home at that point, I couldn't handle the emotional abuse that I was forcing myself into. I went to my parents, snuggled into my twin sized bed and cuddled with my dog. She knew I was upset because she would rarely leave my side. I spent time with old friends and college friends and tried to regain my sense of self again. 

The following week I had to go back to work where I, of course, had to see him. No choice, we shared an office, we work in the same building, it's inevitable. We avoided each other at all costs and he got drunk enough that evening to tell me that he didn't like that we weren't talking. We met up a few day later and he apologized and told me he had said those things in the heat of an argument and that of course he didn't mean them. 

That led back to us talking, constantly, again, and then it happened. On May 31st I was working reception at work and he and I went to get a few drinks when we were finished closing the building together. I was planning on meeting someone I had a brief fling with during a show at our theatre, so we parted ways after a few drinks and some hand-holding. He came to pick me up when I told him I wasn't having a good time and took me back to his place. 

That's when it happened. IT. I know you can connect the dots. No, I am not proud. It lasted all of two minutes before I started crying and he stopped. I went to the washroom and proceeded to cry more where he tried to hug me and awkwardly console me. He drove me home and told me he wanted to break up with his girlfriend and be with me. I told him he needed to. He told me seeing me like this broke his heart and he realized he really need to make his decision. The following day I told him he needed to choose and he said he was trying to figure it out in his mind. Then he went on a camping trip with his girlfriend and my heart was even more broken than before. He didn't choose me.

We didn't talk throughout the entire trip which was somewhat painful but also therapeutic. One day before he came home, I went back to my parents place and old theatre for the opening night of their festival season. It was then that I decided "Fuck this guy". He texted me the day he arrived him, which I expected, and asked if we could get together to talk. I told him No. I then proceeded to have casual sex with a friend of his and he ended up finding out immediately, much to my dismay; I had no intention on sharing this with him. This was for me, I don't do things out of spite. I just wanted to have sex and he was willing. It had nothing to do with The Main Character at all.

The Main Character was upset and because he was so angry with me, I was even more hurt. It was never my intention to cause pain to him, I just wanted to do something for myself. Not to mention the fact that he had absolutely no right to impose judgment upon me for doing something that so similarly reflected his actions in the past. 

Regardless, it was something we fought about and ending up working through. He and his girlfriend got an apartment which broke me even more, and he half-ass moved in. He brought clothes, and that was it. We continued to spend a lot of time together while I was working the Fringe Festival and he was busy building a set for a show we were close to producing at the theatre. 

More hooking up ensued, no penetration mind you. Then I went away on vacation, where I didn't have cell phone reception and couldn't contact him. I must have forgot to tell him that I wouldn't have reception because I came home to numerous text messages and finally a message from him proclaiming he was having strong feelings for me and he felt stupid that he thought it was going to work this time. That he was thinking about ways to break up with his girlfriend for me and he wanted us to be together and he was upset that I was ignoring him. Of course, I wasn't. For this guy, I would fucking move planets for. Something about him causes me to have such a love for him, I can't describe it.

Back to the story, I explained to him I didn't have reception and that I was now stuck at my parents house to endure a little bit of doctor testing (a story about pre-cancerous cervix, wahoo, all clear!) When I came back to Toronto I came to visit him at work and we had a lovely evening drinking in the theatre talking about his work and how things were. When he drove me home we shared a warm embrace and he told me he missed me and he didn't want me to go in just yet. So we just sat there, holding each other, kissing each other, but not letting it go too far.

I went inside, sad that he had to leave, that I had to leave his arms that I fit so perfectly inside of, and then he texted me. "I think I really am starting to fall for you Lucy"

"I don't know what to do".

I started panicking at that moment. I love this person. Will he finally leave his girlfriend for me? Can I finally have what I want? Can I finally let myself just be with him, passionately, and lovingly, and fiercely? I wanted nothing more than to have a real, honest relationship with him, and I had said that to him a few weeks earlier and he replied that he did too, we just needed to take it slow. Which I agreed with, stupidly, at the time.

I told him in that moment that we could figure it out. He said I hope so, and wished me goodnight. Goodnight hun. The following moron he sent me an email from work hoping that it hadn't fucked me up too much, that he really did like me and miss me and he didn't know what he should do. I told him, again, we could figure it out. If he was in, I am in. There is no doubt, I was in. I had dedicated so much time to this person, to making him happy, it became my job outside of my job. 

We saw each other once more, at the end of July, he came over to my apartment and we had some beverages together and then we went to my bed. I told him before we did that, that I didn't trust myself and I knew what was going to happen would end bad but he assured me he had no expectations. In retrospect, I should have known better than to trust someone who had also had a bit to drink. But of course, it went too far and it was the attempt to have sex until things got too weird again. This time, however, I didn't cry in front of him. I probably would have, shamefully, let things progress until we both got our "fill" so to speak. He stopped and went to leave, and I told him I would be very upset if he left in that moment so he stayed for a little while.

That was essentially the demise. I told him the following day that I needed him to be in or out and he didn't respond; I assumed he was trying to figure it out because he was pleasant with me at work that night. A few days passed and I finally asked him if he was in or out and he told me he felt I was being pushy and pressuring and he wasn't going to be in if this is how it was going to be. 

After that, we tried to have a friendly day and I couldn't handle it. The feeling I had during and after he left was just too much for me to handle, I want him in my life but I want him in my life in such a deeper way than just as a platonic friend.

I sent him a message explaining to him that I needed time to adjust from this relationship; because for me, this was a relationship.

I was committed to being with him every time he told me he wanted this and that he wanted to try. I just don't know how to date someone who is in a relationship with another woman. I don't know how to date someone and get closer to someone who lives with another woman. 

His argument was that every time we get close I ask him to jump ahead more steps than he is ready for, but what he doesn't understand, is that if this were a normal relationship I wouldn't ask him that at all. If we were just "dating" or "seeing each other" than I wouldn't ask him to make a commitment to me. But it is because he is in a "committed" relationship with a woman he is living with and sleeping with on the regular that I had to ask him to be in or out.

I feel as though I have made the right decision, I know that in the long run I have. I know that of course there is someone out there for me who will love me, I just feel incredibly broken. I am not proud of this relationship in the least. I am ashamed that I became a woman I hate. I remember hearing my mother speak about her fathers affair and how it ruined an entire family and I can't believe I have done something so similar, so selfish, so cruel. If his girlfriend finds out, I have broken a person. I sometimes feel I deserve to be broken too, but I did this because I loved someone. Foolish as it was, I honestly believed in the things that he told me. 

I got swept up, caught up, and taken under. I'm not proud, but I wanted you to know. Maybe I wanted to write about it to clear my conscious. Just to get the words out there, just to talk about it, but there is it. In black and white, or whatever colour my blog shows up as, it's there. For the whole world to see. 

I let it happen, it is so incredibly painful to see the two of them together. I work with him, on Saturday he moved all of his belongings to the apartment with her and I spent the morning in bed listening to Tegan and Sara and crying. I am trying to consume my every waking moment with anyone and anything that has nothing to do with him but it becomes hard when I work such opposite hours of those I am friends with.

And I sure DO have loads to say! 

But, those stories are going to have to wait. I've been so busy... Working, getting laid, navigating the mess of my love life.

But, with all that being said, I want you guys to check out this new project I just discovered!

http://letterscollected.tumblr.com/

Check it out! I like reading about love a lot more than I like writing about my sexual exploits. 

Let him know that your roommate is his sister's ex-boyfriend.

"I am pretty sure before I got that concussion that caused a memory loss, we were dating..."

About a week ago, I was sitting on my couch watching some television after a day of work. Nothing too exciting going on my life, really. Then I receive a text message from an unknown number. I am intrigued, an unknown number. Texting me?! Delightful! 

It simply says "How come we haven't seen each other lately".... This intrigues me even more. Do I play the game or do I just ask who it is. I went with the former, because I was bored and it seemed like a funny idea. I just simply responded with a What, hoping he would let me know who he was.

Nope, he just proceeded to tell me that he had recently gotten jumped, suffered a concussion that caused memory loss, and that he was pretty sure before this happened we were seeing each other. It got a little unfunny at this point, he had referred to me by my name which meant I clearly did know him. And the poor kid apparently had lost his memory after being jumped by a group of miscreants in an alley way. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him I had no idea what the heck he was talking about and who the heck he was!

So, I just acted surprised and asked about the concussion... Where it happened... What part of the city he was living in... Trying to piece together who he was.

He asked if he could call me, so that he could better explain the situation. To which I responded I was at work (lie). Now, it is important to note I have two jobs (until tomorrow...). One, where I could use my cell phone freely and one where I have to leave it in a back room and not touch it. He assumed I was at my job at the mall, where I couldn't use my phone, and he called me out on it. Then I told him I was at my other job. To which he responds "Oh, at the theatre?" 

Okay, so this person clearly does know who I am. I told him yep, I was there. Then he started asking which theatre I was working at. I got creeped out and avoided the question. He persisted and I told him I wouldn't tell him. He then said "Oh Lucy, you're being so coy..." 

No, stranger. I am not being coy, I am being creeped out by your stalker tendencies and don't want you to show up at my place of employment and skin me... 

I told him I wasn't being coy, I just wasn't going to tell him. Then he got threatening and said "Oh, I will find out where you work. I am going to find out what theatre you work at!" 

Uhhhh.... Please, don't.

He then asked what part of the city I live in, where my apartment was. I just said "The West End". He told me what cross-section he lived in and I immediately remembered who he was. A horribly boring first date I had maybe two months ago that I actually timed, it was so terrible. 

I then decided I had to get out of this conversation because he was clearly a crazy person. I didn't care about the concussion anymore, sorry about your memory loss... 

He then asked me if I was dating anybody. For the sake of simplicity,  I told him yes I am seeing somebody. He THEN responds, "Oh, well I am not interested in being the other man for you then!!!" 

Okay.... No one ever asked, but thanks for chiming in there buddy. I told him that, literally pretty well word for word, too. He asks how long we've been together and I tell him a few weeks. I did my math, so it wouldn't look like I was "dating" this person when I went on my date with this kid.

He proceeds to tell me that while he doesn't want to be the other man, he would be willing to do so if I wasn't entirely committed to the person I was dating. 

It's seriously getting laughable at this point, isn't it?? 

I tell him no thanks, I am good. I am happy. I don't want another man in my life, I am content. And he gets all defensive telling me how if I was his girlfriend he wouldn't like it if I was talking to him? Why would I be texting with him if I had a boyfriend? What kind of person am I? I ruin relationships and lives, essentially...

I told him the conversation was over, because he had insulted me and my intelligence, offended me as a woman, and actually scared me. I stopped responding, but continued to receive a bevy of text messages going on and on about how amazing I am, and how sad he is that he got a concussion and suffered from memory loss because he could be the lucky guy dating me...

So, I got a new job working with the Main Character. At the theatre where we are working, we had a show that was filled with prospective lawyers. One was tending bar in my concessions area and I helped him get his sangria ready. We were chatting, joking, he was giving me free sangria, life was swell. 

The Lawyer, as he is called, came back the next day to pick up his kegs then asked me out on a date. Of course, I wanted to go out with him. He is good looking, smart, and funny. He brought me a coffee that morning and then he went to Jamaica for Spring Break. He even texted me from Jamaica. Ooooh exciting!

He got back, we tried making plans, then a friend of mine unfortunately passed and I had to cancel our date in order to go back home. 

Finally, two weeks after the initial meeting we make our plans to get a drink. We go to Paupers, a pub in between both of our homes and we have a pint or two while there. He is very focussed on me, I like it. 

But, there is nothing for me to say. I am a 24 year old struggling theatre worker who comes from the sticks.  He, however, is a 34 year old former diplomat in about 7 different countries gonna-be-lawyer, frat president. 

Yea, not much in common I'd say. He wants to go into law that fights against mining corporations. My dad is a miner. He once lived in Iraq, I once lived in North Bay. 

He invited me back to his place, and I accepted. He lives in a fucking frat house. I've never been in a frat house before. I honestly thought they weren't even real things, I figured it was just like Animal House; something found in the movies. However, I was mistaken. Frat houses are real. His had a billiards room, a library, and a beer dispensing machine- that was a pretty cool advantage.

He showed me off to all his frat bro's and took me up to his room. I am sure you can assume what happened, but here's some funny things he told me there. "You are so good at sex"... "You're an amazing lover".

I laughed both times on the inside and said "Fuck, I can't wait to tell my friends about this." 

Between sac-sessions, I had to go to the washroom. I went to get my clothes on, but he actually had laying out for me IN ADVANCE (!!!!!!!) a white, button up, dress shirt. He put it on me, buttoned it up for me, then rolled up the sleeves.

Talk about wanting to show me off, HOLY! I was laughing my ass off at this point. I felt like I was in a cheesy movie.

In the end, he wanted me to stay the night and I told him I had to get up early (lie). I just didn't want to walk past his stupid bro's in the morning. I'd rather nail and bail for the night.

I want to take this opportunity to advise all my readers (I think there may be like seven of you!) to never, never, never, skip your PAP's. 

In the summer, I went to see my family physician for a physical because I had been losing a lot of weight and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I thought maybe there was a greater cause. He did a Pap and my results came back abnormal. He told me that the cells weren't abnormal enough to be uber concerned, but to come back in six months for a follow up Pap. 

Well, that Pap happened in December and it came back showing that I had mild cervical dysplasia. Which is a precancerous condition caused mostly in part due to HPV. There are more than 100 strands of HPV and a majority of them can be cured on their own thanks to our immune systems- a lot of women will never know they have contracted the virus. However, sometimes the infection doesn't clear up and it causes dysplasia. 

From my understanding taken from the internet, my nurse, and the booklet I got from my gyno... Dysplasia can turn into cancer if it is not treated, but when it is in its MILD stage it can disappear on its on, once again courtesy of our immune systems. However, cervical dysplasia can also be moderate-to-severe and in those instances it cannot clear up on its own and the likelihood of it turning into cancer is much-much higher. It never goes back to normal then.

That being said, I have spent the last month in an utter panic thinking about the cancer that was likely rotting away in my reproductive organs. I booked a colposcopy appointment so that they could see the extent of the abnormal cells and I had a friend come with me who had gone through this before. 

In the end, my gyno told me I had a beautiful cervix and he couldn't see anything abnormal when he poured his little vinegar solution into my cervix and all I had to do was come back in nine months for a check up because they want to make sure it's still all good in the hood. So, thank you to my immune system, a tip of the hat to you for all your hard work.

I feel very lucky and quite relieved that it was MILD but there is always the possibility. That's why it is uber important to always see your doctor, to never cancel a pap test. Things like this do not present symptoms, or they will when it is too late. You think you know your body until you don't.

One thing that did stand out to me, however, from the entire experience is the blame that was placed onto me by the FEMALE nurse who spoke to me about my HPV and about my dysplasia. She told me the only way to ensure that I 100% "cure myself" and never go through this again is to be in a monogamous relationship. I was appalled, she has no idea what my sexual history looks like. For all she knows, I could have been with the same, one and only person, for the last ten years of my life. Or I could have slept with 100 people in the last calendar year. She doesn't know me from Adam. But for some reason, I now have some sort of burden to place on finding a monogamous partner to ensure that I am safe.

How's that for a good first date?

The Main Character hasn't been completely to of my life, it's a constant disappointment and struggle to find some equilibrium. Regardless, this post isn't about him. I am keeping those stories inside, for some reason I can't quite share them all. Perhaps they are too personal, he makes me too vulnerable in a world where I am typically guarded and careful. My achilles heel. 

Anyways, I decided well, let's get out and go date people. So, I joined OkCupid. Because Plenty of Fish is lame and boring and filled with icky people. I went on my first OkCupid date last night, and I am not going to lie self-fulfilling prophecy probably made me not enjoy it.

I couldn't tell if he was good looking or not from his pictures and I didn't like texting with him because it was just question after question after question, no conversation. AND when we texted, he was the type of person who liked knowing where I was and what I was doing. Like, bro, you don't even know me. Whatsup with that?

So, I told him I would meet up with him after I was done work yesterday, I got done work at 9:30; I told him I could be at the bar for 10. So, I show up and he is late. I am tired and starving and just wanted to go back to my city-central apartment from the east-end establishment I was drinking an over-priced beer in. 

He showed up, with a giant camera around his neck and I immediately wondered if he was going to document our date. Spoiler alert: he didn't, but he does fancy himself an amateur photographer. So do I ... With my iPhone and Instagram of course. 

To sum up the entire date, which last 1 hour and 47 minutes (yup, I timed it)... It was like playing a game of 21 questions. He asked me a shit ton of questions, and I answered them, hoping it would provoke some sort of conversation but the only thing it would illicit was more questions. We spent half an hour where he guessed what month and day my birthday fell on and he insisted I do the same. 

At one point he got upset that I hadn't asked any questions about him. Sorry for assuming conversation would help me to get to know you. I then asked him in a monotone drone, "What's your favourite scary movie?" Clearly not understanding what I was getting at, he answered the rhetorical question with the fact that he doesn't like scary movies. Then I asked him for his favourite colour and he went into a 10 minute discussion about how he doesn't have one.

He paid for my drinks and I ate supper too because I was starving. Too bad he chose an overpriced pub for our date, because it was expensive. Oh well, whatever, I had a seven dollar cab ride home a few free beers and some food. 

To get belligerently drunk at the Main Character's Christmas Party.

I have been logging into POF recently because I have had nothing better to do with my life.  And every time I log in, I remember why I logged out and vowed to never be back. 

For the sake of having anything to share with you guys, I will give you some of my most recent messages. Slim pickens, for Lucy. 

High Guy: Hey u wanna smoke kush today 

Cool Paki: Hey, can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas? Be My Model: I use to be a club photographer in Toronto. I'm just getting back into it now and picked up 

$1000 in new gear I'm looking for someone to do practice shoots with. Erotic art posing I would direct and adjust  Poses as we went.  I'm thinking $100-$150 cash in your hand each time I'm not sure. Would take like 30-45 minutes each time Just starting. At most twice a week. You could also keep your favorite shots np and pics wouldnt go anywhere its just to tighten up my skills. just hard to learn all the settings on new gear and will take till spring probably to really become a pro again.

Let me know and if it's not for you I totally understand :)

Those were from TODAY.

I haven't been posting much about my life recently. Between drinking a lot and trying to find work (the former is going great, the latter not so much...) I have actually had a lot of stories to tell you all, but I just haven't gotten around to it.

So, I will give you The Train Stalker story. He gets this name because, aptly, I met him on the train and he seems like a stalker. Also, a play on Trainspotting, which is a crazy fucking book and movie; and this guy is probably crazy.

Anyways, I was on the Via heading from Toronto to London so that my Mother could pick me up on Thursday; I had a weekend in the country to gather my thoughts and sanity. I sat down at a window seat, pulled out "The Year of Living Biblically" and nestled in for a solid two hour read. 

Until the Train Stalker sat down beside me. I was in no mood to really chat with anyone, I had just been told I didn't get a job after doing a trial run, a certain Main Character was pissing me off (surprising...), I am poor. I just didn't want to talk to people. I wanted to sit down with my book, the first good one I've had in a long time, and just read. 

But the Train Stalker insisted on yapping my ear off about his entire life for the entire two hour and fourteen minute train ride. Plus a little extra, because we had a five minute delay. I know everything about him except his shoe size, and I am sure he would of told me had I taken any interest in the entire conversation and asked. I was playing around with my phone the entire time and trying to get him to clue in that I wasn't interested. I tried opening my book and tried reading but he still kept yapping.

At the end of it all, he asked if I'd like to meet up with him the next time he was in Toronto. This is when I put my phone away, because I knew he was going to ask for my phone number. I said yeah, that sounded fine. No excitement. Then he said "Well, should we exchange phone numbers..." UGH. Fine.

So, I gave him my phone number and he insisted he was going to text me right away, so I would have his. So I knew I couldn't give him a fake one. 

I got off the train, told him it was nice to meet him and then immediately threw myself out a window. No, I didn't do that. I sat and waited for Mom and prayed I would never hear from him.

Later that night I was with some friends rehashing the stupid train ride from hell and my Facebook went off on my phone. I had a new Friend Request. I was wondering who the heck would be adding me to Facebook and sure enough, Train Stalker's name popped up as my friend request.

Now let me tell you this much, Lucy is not my real name. My real name is actually the whitest, most anglo name in the entire world. My first name is the most common females name in the year I was born. My last name is just as common as Smith or Jones. I'm super white. There are a million out there just like me.

So, with that being said to search "Lucy Jones" (for the sake of argument), you are going to yield seriously pages and pages of unknown Lucy Jones', Lucy Jones' who have no mutual friends, who aren't in your network, who you have nothing to do with. 

You have to search pages and pages for the right Lucy Jones to find me. And that is exactly what he did. It is creepy to me, that he searched me out, scoured the pages, and found me and then added me.

I accepted the Friend Request specifically so I could suss him out, show my friends, and then I deleted him.

He texted me yesterday, letting me know that it was nice to chat with me (chat...use that word loosely!) and that he was going to be in Toronto this weekend if I was free to get a coffee on Sunday.

I just never responded. I don't have the time to deal with someone from out of town that I am not even interested in.

I don't feel like talking about my life as of late. So here is this. How I have been feeling. 

About a month ago, I received a text from a friend of mine I went to University with. We will call him Mr. Balding. Because it's a fun pun from Saved by the Bell and because he is bald.

Anyways, he sent me a text message asking if I wanted to come to a wedding with him in Toronto- it was for his step sister and he and his girlfriend had broken up and he didn't have a date. Sure! I said, once I found out it was an open bar. A night of free alcohol is something I don't pass up.

After that, he texted me every so often just randomly, or Facebook chatting me if I was online. That's when I grew suspicious of this friendly date request. I could tell he liked me. Which made me nervous, because I have no interest in him or feelings for him whatsoever.

Although I may come off as harsh and cold, it's truly all a facade for story-telling purposes. I am actually a yuppy. I am a huge sap. Emotionally driven. And horrified of hurting anyone's feelings.

That being said, I tried my best not to lead him on. I know that sometimes my friendliness and my personality can be misconstrued as flirting. I recognize this. However, I was trying super hard not to cross a line. And I didn't! He would text, I would either not respond or just wait a long time. I wouldn't flirt, not even friendly flirt!!! 

Then comes the Wedding, which was yesterday. Mr Balding was staying at a hotel downtown so I took a cab because I was running late. He greeted me in the lobby and told me I looked beautiful. D'awe. Well, I did. So there's that.

I met his sister and brother in law and we went out for dinner. At a seafood restaurant. I am a vegetarian, mind you. That being said, there was one. ONE. dish on the menu that didn't have any meat in it, so I had that. I got along really well with his sister and brother in law. And then I met his Mother...

She hugged me immediately and laughed at my jokes. I am really good with parents. It's a weird skill I have, but I know how to make them feel comfortable with me, I know how to charm them and win them over. Compliments and jokes and helping out where possible. It's what works. It's disgusting but I love that talent.

Then we go to the wedding, where I meet his step-father and chat with him for a bit. Hit it off. Clearly.

I suggest we make a drinking game for the boring speeches, crack a few jokes, and the family is loving me. This is probably bad, since I am not interested in him at all. But I am loving his family! 

His sister drags me out onto the dance floor and we have a great time. We sit back down and I hear that it is time for a family photo. That's when the step-dad tells me to come along too. This is where I am like "OH FUCK!" Great, now I am in their family photo...

We laugh about how awkward it is and I make a couple jokes. These people are loving me. I am killing it.

We dance more, have more fun. Then it's time for me to leave. I have a horrible cold and had to get from the Distillery District to my apartment in the Central-West part of town. Mr Balding offers to ride the subway with me home, if I am too scared to do it alone. That makes me laugh and I say don't worry, I do it all the time. I am a city girl.

Also, because I don't want him to come over.

I say goodbye to his sister and she hugs me and tells me how much she enjoyed me and how nice it was to meet me. I say goodbye to his brother in law. I say goodbye to the stepfather. His mother, when I say goodbye to her gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me that she hopes to see a lot more of me soon. 

This is where I should interject and say they all live in Ottawa.

I don't know what to say to this so I thank her profusely and tell her I hope to see her again as well. Which is sincere, I did really like her. We could be friends... Right?!

Mr. Balding walks me outside and I opt to take a cab because it is raining and I don't feel like waiting for the streetcar. Not to mention I actually have no idea where the hell I am. This is when Mr. Balding begins to profess his feelings for me.

Telling me he knows it wouldn't work, because of the distance, but he thinks I am a great girl and he really likes me.

I look down, blush, and get flustered. What the hell do I say?! I tell him No, it wouldn't work. And that's really sweet of him to say. I tell him I had an amazing time and thank him again for inviting me, that he and his family are amazing. 

I give him a hug goodbye and don't let it linger, for fear of him going in for a kiss.

I then say I should grab my cab before he starts turning the meter on and I walk away.

Said the Hairdresser at 2:30 in the morning when I was out with friends from work and refused to go to the other side of the city to go see him. 

Then he told me to go fuck myself.

Yeah, I am not kidding. My hairdresser went crazy.

Story time, kiddies. Sit down on the map, grab a juice box, and enjoy.

Last Saturday my friend was celebrating her birthday at Sneaky Dee's. So we all went out to celebrate with her. I was actually enjoying telling them about the Hairdresser cause I liked him and thought he was a relatively sane human being. They egged me on to invite him. Which made me nervous because they're quite the bunch... That would be an intense test to pass.

So, I texted him and asked what he was doing. He told me he was somewhere else at a friends birthday and asked if I wanted to come.  I said I couldn't, I was busy, and I'd see him tomorrow; like we had planned. He kept asking and asking and asking. He called and tried begging me to come. I wasn't about to leave the birthday party. Note to men: begging isn't sexy. 

I couldn't hear him. Rightfully so. I was in Sneaky Dee's, after all. So, I hung up with the intention of texting him immediately letting him know that I couldn't hear him. But before I could even do that, he texted me telling me I had no calibre, telling me to call him back, and that he was coming to get me.

This put me in a rage, I don't answer to shit like that. I don't respond to people telling me what I have to do. So I told him no, I would talk to him tomorrow and that I was staying at Sneak's with my friends. He called me some more and yadda yadda yadda.

Jane and I ended up leaving because it was 2am and we went across the street to get 24 hour breakfast where he continued to call me and go off on text message. I kept telling him I would see him tomorrow, we'd talk tomorrow, and that I wasn't leaving. Jane and I were just kind of laughing at this point. Dude, you are insane. Note to men: harassment is not sexy.

He ended up telling me that it was okay if I was fucking other guys, because we weren't exclusive but we needed to talk. I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else, that I was literally just sitting down to eat with Jenn. Then he told me that he hoped whoever I was fucking was better than him and not to talk to him anymore. I told him, again, that I would talk to him tomorrow.

Then he told me to go fuck myself. I said okay, see ya. And he kept on texting asking if he could come get me. Calling me beautiful. Bipolar is fun... 

The next morning, I had missed three calls from him at 3:30 in the morning and he texted me to apologize profusely. I ignored them because I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. He kept going on about how he was so sorry, how he was feeling insecure and lonely and vulnerable and how he shouldn't have taken it out on me.

Finally, I responded and told him I wasn't impressed. And he said no doubt, he hoped he could make it up to me with supper that night. I bailed on our plans and told him I was busy (more on that later...) and he told me he understood.

Long story even longer, I am just hoping this kind of disappears. I had to come back to my hometown for a funeral on the Monday and have been here since. I decided to stay for the week, because I am moving into my new apartment on October 1st so I had a lot of organizing and packing to do back home. He has texted me letting me know he is thinking of me and misses me, but I am being distant.

I hope this kind of disappears. I don't need a 36 year old grown man accusing me of cheating when we aren't even in an exclusive relationship. Not only that, I don't have time for someone who doesn't trust me when I've done nothing wrong.

The Main Character knows I am seeing the Hairdresser. We were chatting, after fighting, and fighting, and trying to work things out, and fighting, and working things out. He asked what I was up to, told him I was getting drinks with someone, he asked if it was a date. I said Yup. Because, it was.

He got jealous. We started fighting again. It's clear he wants me to be alone so that I can remain available to him if he needs me and/or wants me. He told me we shouldn't be friends, we should just cut our losses and pack up before we start hating each other.

I was about ready to call it quits too, I don't need this nonsense in my life. I told him that thing were fine between us until he found out I was seeing someone. And if that is what he was pissed off about, then I wasn't going to apologize from moving on from someone who doesn't even want to be with me.

Then he told me he was jealous and that is what that side that was ruining our friendship. And since there is nothing that he can do about it, that we should just be apart. I told him I didn't understand why he was jealous, to which he responded "Obviously I have feelings for you." Well, too little too late I guess. You have a girlfriend. I am living my life and moving on. I can't just sit around wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, I have to move on eventually- and I told him all of this.

Inevitably, he asked if we could get together in person to talk about it. Which we did, on Tuesday night. We didn't actually talk about anything. But we did have a nice night with a few beers. He then asked if I wanted to get some drinks on Friday night (aka tonight). I told him sure, because I had nothing else to do.

Then I realized, a) why isn't he hanging out with his girlfriend on Friday night? b) he is trying to make sure I am at least not hanging out with the Hairdresser (or any other guy) on Friday night.

I am trying hard to be his friend and I am not sure why. I have been told by numerous people that I am being inappropriate, making a huge mistake, being stupid, etc. And I can recognize all of this. But if I can salvage a friendship, I will. It's hard to be his friend because I do still have feelings for him, but I am having fun with the Hairdresser and he seems to like me; so it makes it easier because I feel like I am finally moving on.

The Main Character knew I had plans to go to the Islands on Thursday with the Hairdresser. So halfway through the day, he texted me to find out how things were going. Because he is nosey. And wants me to be thinking of him while I am with someone else. He loves to meddle.  I didn't end up going to the Islands because I had too much other stuff that needed to get done. 

I am trying here and I hope it isn't all for nothing. I know he wants me to be alone so that I am available; is this a thing that men frequently want? I can't help but think I cannot possibly be that great of a lay, that worth all the trouble, just to keep me around for another potential sack sesh?

Actually wants to spend time with me. Which is strange, I am not accustomed to seeing someone who wants to actually spend his spare time with me. 

We don't chat that often via text message and that is okay by me, I don't feel like I have to be sitting around my phone all the time just to hear from him. I'm not constantly checking my phone, which is nice.

He came out with me and Jane on Sunday night and I got Jane's judgement of him. He is a little ADHD and off the wall sometimes but I really like him. He is really funny and we have good conversation. Plus he is banging in bed and great to look at. 

I went home with him again on Sunday night. He snores. Which kept this light sleeper up all night. Also he loves to sleep in on his days off. I am talking we were in bed until noon hour. I can't do things like that. I love to be up. Sleeping in to me is like 8:30am... 9:00 is sloth-like. I had to beg him to get out of bed.

We got out of bed and went out for lunch then bid our farewells. Haven't really talked to him since then but that's okay. I don't feel like I have to.

I do really like him. I have an uncanny ability to find what is wrong with people and turn them into deal breakers. He wants to spend the day with me tomorrow and go to the Islands. I think that's a great idea if the weather is nice, but I have plans that evening and night with other friends that I want to do on my own. 

Is it selfish? That I want to not spend the entire day with him... I don't think it is. I am not used to someone wanting to hang out with me in his spare time, so this is an adjustment for me. 

I guess we will see what tomorrow brings, we haven't discussed our plans so I shouldn't think about it and worry.

I want to post a post that has nothing to do with anything that I post about. This isn't about sex, relationships, dating, boys, frustration, or anything like that. It's about body image, and feeling good about yourself. It's about being healthy and accepting who you are. It's about loving yourself.

As some of you may know, by the pictures I post, I am a female of slender build. I saw a dietician recently, because I was having trouble with my body. This isn't a "Oh my gosh, I want to be skinny" thing. It's actually a serious problem, I lost about 15-20 lbs in the past year that I couldn't stand to lose anyways. I weighed 105lbs when I saw my dietician and was disgusted with my body.

I think I look great. I find myself attractive and have been reminded numerous occasions by different men that I am sexy, but still, I don't habitat my body to make other people happy. I am not occupying this space of 'woman' to ensure that men find me suitably fuckable. 

Since I am the person who has to live with my body everyday, I should be the person who is comfortable with it. Yes, you men may wake up to it from time to time. You may look at it, have it as a use of your pleasure and I may be okay with that. But this is not your domain, I am not your territory or property. I am not here to make you happy. And my body is not something that I give to you as a gift to accept. It's mine. I don't need you to be happy with it.

But I need to be happy with it.

That being said, I saw my dietician to find healthy ways to go about gaining weight. So that I could gain a goal of 10lbs. People scoff at me, laugh, and call me a "bitch" all in jest, of course. But really, I guess a lot of people don't have this problem. Most people are dieting to lose weight.

My dietician gave me some excellent advice on how to go about gaining weight. She suggested I add an additional 1000 calories to my diet every day, which is incredibly difficult for someone who doesn't have a particularly large appetite to begin with. I've been switching my foods to ones that are higher in calories and as a vegetarian; foods that are higher in protein as well.

It's been almost three weeks since I saw my dietician and I am proud to announce that where I once weighed in at 105lbs I am now a staggering 111 lbs. This is such an incredibly feat for me. Of course, I have to take into consideration fluctuation and what not, but still, I have put on some pounds and I could not be more thrilled.

It's still hard to tell that I am getting there and gaining, I am still wearing a '00' comfortably. I just bought new pants in a size 23. But with that being said, the numbers on the scale don't lie!!

The Hairdresser was shocked when I told him I was trying to gain weight. He told me I have an incredible body and complimented me on certain features. Which of course, is always flattering to hear. But like I said earlier, I don't owe him, or any other man for that matter, my body. I owe my health and my happiness to myself and myself only.

And I am so happy that I am on this track! It's not easy but I am so incredibly proud of myself. I had to share.