wanderlust

“You know, when we first set up WWF, our objective was to save endangered species from extinction. But we have failed completely; we haven’t managed to save a single one. If only we had put all that money into condoms, we might have done some good.” - Sir Peter Scott, founder of the World Wildlife Fund (WWF)

Surreal Insects Sculptures by Hiroshi Shinno

Japan-based ingenious artist Hiroshi Shinno is the man behind surreal insect sculptures, incorporating minute details to imaginary creatures that he had envisioned in his head.

 This week one of my male co-workers tried to convince me that I’ll change my mind about not wanting kids. His exact words: “One day the looks will start to fade, and you’ll be like, ‘what do I have to show for my life?’ I’ll call you in ten years - I bet you’ll have a little fuck trophy.”

I cannot believe how often people say things like this to me. When I tell someone I don’t want children, 8 times out of 10 they refuse to believe me.

“It’ll be different when you find the right guy.”

“Oh, I bet you’ll be the first of us to get knocked up.”

“You’ll change your mind when you’re older.”

“Oh honey, that’s how you feel now…”

            The next time someone refuses to respect my decision, I may just have to rip out my uterus and serve it to them with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

I have tokophobia, which is a crippling fear of pregnancy and childbirth. I have struggled with these negative feelings since my preteen years, though I had no word for it until recently. It’s much more than mere apprehension – If I think about pregnancy too hard I will have an anxiety attack. I have nightmares. The idea of losing jurisdiction over my own body is sickening and traumatizing to me. What’s worse, I have a fear of people even thinking of me as pregnant, so the relentless insistence that I will change my mind is extremely insulting and triggering, even if people don’t mean it that way.

I have given up on tracing the origins of this phobia because I have no desire to overcome it.

I will never be pregnant because I could not emotionally endure the experience. I would rather eat a live tarantula than experience that trauma.

This is a big part of the reason I am pro-choice. Abortion debates often address the physical health of the pregnant person, but mental health is rarely taken into account. It took me 23 isolating years before I learned that there are other people who feel the same way.

  My phobia used to be so severe that I was repulsed by the word “woman.” I felt betrayed by my own body, and I couldn’t stand any mention of female anatomy or menstruation. I have had to overcome a lot of internalized misogyny because of the conflation of femininity and reproduction. Thankfully, I have come to recognize that I can still identify as a woman while rejecting certain elements of the traditional female experience. As a pro-choice feminist, I absolutely respect those who choose to give birth, and I only ask the same respect for my own choice. I don’t expect anyone to understand my most intimate personal feelings, but please, at the very least, take my word for it when I tell you that childbearing will not be part of my future.

Peace and love,