keys

Growing up in a society that tells you that you must feel romance or sexual attraction in order to be successful and happy in life can be absolutely devastating to those who don't feel that way. It can make you feel less than human, alone, broken, unworthy, and so many other really negative feelings. It can make us believe that we can never be happy without it... and the worst part is that the way everyone markets things toward romantic couples, and families, and partners, and the way people treat you if you don't have a partner makes it so hard to be happy as an aro/ace person. And you go through life believing that you can't be happy because you don't feel those feelings. You start to believe they are right, and that you really are lesser and broken and incapable of finding happiness.

it really makes me happy that we're now seeing people outside of the aro community deconstructing amatonormativity, and sitting with themselves and truly asking "what do i want my relationships to look like? how do i want to live my life?"

if the idea of traditional, monogamous, romantic, lifelong relationships doesn't sit well with you, and you haven't heard of amatonormativity or relationship anarchy or queerplatonic partnerships before, i encourage you to read about these terms with an open mind.

HAND ON MY HEART. HAND ON MY STUPID HEART

When you refocus a concept, you are in a sense rejecting it in its standard form, are you not? You're changing the concept from what it is most known as, tearing off its assumptions and shining it up as something new. In the refocus of love there is a rejection of love's expected form (romance). Moreover, it seems to me that there are two forms of love – love as an emotion, and love as a descriptor. When someone says they love their favorite food, are they seriously saying they feel a deep, personal bond and affection to that food? No, they're just using love to describe/conceptualize how much they like it. Therefore, one may reject love as an emotion while also using it as a shorthand descriptor for everyday life, refocusing the concept of love away from romance and towards whatever else they feel like. Rejection and refocus – loveless and lovequeer.

Or, if you'd prefer I wax my thoughts in a more poetic form:

Loveless as in I do not feel that way towards you. Lovequeer as in I love what you do and say anyway. Loveless as in my throat closes up when I'm expected to say "I love you too," but lovequeer as in I love showing you my affection in actions instead of in words. Loveless as in I don't feel anything. Lovequeer as in I still want to make sure you know how I feel. Loveless as in love is too broad. Lovequeer as in love is broad, so I'm going to use it as such. Loveless as in "Use your words instead of a cliche phrase to tell me how you feel; love won't cut it." Lovequeer as in "The best way I can describe this is love, even though we both know it's not that." Loveless as in I don't need to love to be a good person. Lovequeer as in love can be anything you want it to be. Loveless as in love can hurt and I want to make people see that. Lovequeer as in love can be mundane and I'm tired of its pedestal. Loveless as in love is just a social construct, it shouldn't matter to you if I don't feel it. Lovequeer as in love is just a social construct, it shouldn't matter to you if I use it flippantly.

Loveless as in "love may not apply to me, and that's okay." Lovequeer as in "love may not be the most important thing in my life, and that's okay."

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov