Aro/Ace Support Blog

This is an arospec/acespec support and positivity blog. It's run by a handful of moderators who are all on either the acespec, arospec, or both. Asks are what we're all about, and you're welcome to send them, just please read the following first!

Ask Box Rules!

• Be respectful

• Provide common trigger warnings at the top so mods can choose not to answer/read

• If you want a specific mod, that's okay! Feel free to specify, just know that it may take longer to get a response

• We will not publish hateful asks

• If you send an ask off-anon, please specify whether you want it answered publicly or privately. If unspecified, it will be answered publicly!

Some FAQs!

Romantic love is not the only love

Sex is not a requirement

You do not need a partner to feel loved

You do not need a partner to give love

Not experiencing attraction does not mean you can't have a partner if you want one

You are worthy of love regardless of attraction

🧡💛🤍🩵💙🧡💛🤍🩵💙🧡💛🤍🩵💙🧡💛🤍🩵💙

• You have support, and you are loved, regardless of others' reactions

• You know yourself better than anyone else

• You are brave

• You are welcome here

• Lacking sexual or romantic attraction does not make you broken

• You can live a happy life

• Your opinion of yourself matters most. Whether or not others accept you doesn't need to change that

• You are valid and worthy of acceptance

If you're thinking about coming out this pride month, remember to be safe, love yourself more than you care about others' opinions, and have a backup plan in case things go dangerously awry. You are wonderful and amazing and whole, and we wish you the best!

Happy Pride Month!

like I’m starting to wonder if I even have romantic attraction for people or just really strong other emotions and I don’t know what to do? Like I can’t just go out an expirement with this like I would if I though I was gay (I think) and I was just wondering if any of yall had advice

Hi anon!

I get that possibly being aroace is a big change in how you think of yourself and your future. It can be really scary, and I understand not wanting to be. However, I promise you that it's not anything to fear once you know a bit more and really understand yourself and how it relates to you.

Why don't you want to be aro/ace? I suggest thinking about this, and writing about it some, and then thinking more logically about it. Being aro doesn't mean you can't have a relationship or a partner. I know many people who are aro and have partners and are very happy. Being ace doesn't mean you can't have sex, or can't enjoy it. Many ace people have sex and enjoy it a fair bit. Lacking attraction doesn't mean you can't engage and still have a good and fulfilling and meaningful experience.

As for what to do, I suggest simply waiting. Aro/ace is something you can use if it's relatable, and if that ever changes, your label can change too! If you never feel that attraction, then that's cool. If you do, then that's cool too! Just accept yourself wherever you are at. If you relate to being aro/ace, then welcome to the community! And if at any point you decide you don't relate to it, then we wish you well on your journey and are happy to have supported you here.

But if you want something more proactive, and think you might have romantic feelings, but aren't sure, it is okay to expirament, anon. Simply make sure the other person knows you're questioning aromantic, and aren't sure if it's a romantic attraction or another feeling, but you feel connected to them and want to go on a date or two. Going on a date does not mean you're partners, and it's very common for people to go on a date or two and decide it's not working out. That's entirely okay, anon. Just communicate, and make sure to be honest and stop the dates if it's not working out for you.

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words. It's given me a bit to think about and honestly made me feel quite a bit better.

I also discovered the turtle and pond comic from others reposting your answer, and it really put some things into perspective.

Maybe my mental health is a deciding role in my demi aro/ace identity. Maybe it isn't and when I get better I'll be exactly same. I almost feel like if I gained more confidence i would be more than happy to be without romance in my life and that right now I just feel insecure. But, at least now I feel as though I might understand myself a little better.

I hope that wasn't too rambly. Thanks again.

I'm happy to help, and glad you've been figuring things out, anon. Best of luck for your future!

With romantic partners I found that me not being able to reciprocate a lot of the feelings is a big problem. (Not knowing I’m Aro at the time definitely didn’t help). Would you recommend aro4aro relationships and do any of you have any experience in online dating and if, what apps would you recommend?

Hey anon,

I've found that both aro4aro and aro4alloro relationships can work out, but it depends on the needs of the individuals, and their expectations and communication.

Some aros are perfectly alright with typically "romantic gestures," despite not feeling romantic attraction, and for some alloros, that's enough. There are ways to love and care for someone deeply beyond romance, and for some alloros, that's enough. Every individual's needs and desires within relationships is different. My very best advice is to communicate clearly about what you both can and can't offer, and what you both need and want. Set expectations and boundaries with each other, and do your best to respect them.

I don't believe that any of us have experience with online dating in the sense of dating apps, but I have friends who recommend Taimi, and She, for being especially queer-friendly, and Hinge as a general platform. Just keep in mind that like any online platform, there will be some negative people, and you may have some negative experiences, but keep trying as long as you can safely.

I'm fairly certain I'm demisexual/demiromantic. However, I've had basically no experience with relationships or intimacy, despite being nearly 24, because of various life stuff, including mental health struggles with depression and anxiety. I feel insecure about this and I'm questioning if my acespec nature comes from that. Idk... I just kinda want to stop feeling so alone.

Hey, anon!

Demisexuality/romanticism (or any sexuality/romantic orientation, for that matter) does not require you to have experience to know.

Would you tell a teenager with no experience who is gay that they can't be gay because they have no experience? (I certainly hope you wouldn't, and if you would, you would be quite incorrect.)

With aspec identities especially, it can be very hard to characterise them with "experience," because they are charsctised by the absence of something. There will likely not be a moment of "oh, wow, that man that just walked by is hot and I definitely want to sleep with him" to tell you that you like men, or visa versa with women. Rather, it is often something that you will simply have to come about on your own, by looking for your lack of attraction and lack of experience.

Regarding mental health being the "reason" you feel demi, may I ask why it matters to you? Labels and identities are created to label our own experiences, our own feelings. If you feel that you are demi for any reason, mental health included, then congrats! You are a valid demi!

It is also alright if later your experiences change, and you no longer identify as such. People grow, change, develop, learn more about themselves, and it is perfectly alright and reasonable that your labels change with that. Labels are meant to help you grow, and to identify your experiences, and to provide you comfort. They are not meant to box you in.

Use whatever labels you feel comfortable with, anon, and don't be afraid to change them if they ever start to feel incorrect. It does not make you or your experiences any less valid. I also promise you that there are many people who can identify with this struggle, and that you are not alone.

• You do not have to come out

• Your pride is not "invalid" because you are still closeted

• Your safety and comfort are of the utmost priority

• You are not alone