Searching for Love

It is your right to have your needs first communicated and then met if possible. And you know it will be my pleasure trying to meet your needs, make them happen, since I love it when I can make you happy. I am open minded, I am very adaptable person, maybe sometimes too much for my own good if I forget my needs and put them on a second place. I have trouble sometimes with my boundaries and I do work on that. And you can work on that by stating what do you want or would like to try. I already know and was amazed when you said you are low maintenance and I clearly see that is true; however it is good to explore around yourself what would you like to try just to experience how it is or if it will be any good. Do not be afraid to say: “I don’t like that you are making me do this or that, or I would like more of this or that, or I would like to do it/try tomorrow, we could do this in a different way, I think you should do/shouldn’t do this or that because I don’t like it, etc.” These are important factors that need to be considered. Think about it, let it settle down and we will see how it goes. NO pressure, as always. These writings are my suggestions and a way of saying what I think it is good to keep in mind. This shows how much a good communication means to me. 

By watching some videos on YouTube I came across interesting channel about relationships. I would like to expose the things I find important:

Romantic relationships have five stages:

1. Romance stage

2. Power struggle stage

3. Stability stage

4. Commitment stage

5. Co-creation/bliss stage

The romance stage can last up to two years, and it is the lovey-dovey stage when everything is fine.

The power struggle stage is where most relationships fall apart and give up. Most people either 1. break-up or 2. survive & sacrifice. However eventually you will end up breaking up because you hide your misunderstandings, you don’t resolve problems as they come.

To combat this, we have to recognise it and not just ignore it. Fighting is normal and healthy in a loving relationship as it helps resolve and understand differences.

There are usually hailstorms (person who is reactive in fights) and turtles (person who withdraws in fights) in a relationship.

Turtles often accuse hailstorms     being: needy, controlling, possessive, emotional, dramatic.

Hailstorms often accuse turtles     of being: cold, withdrawn, disconnected, stoic, aloof.

A better way to fight is to fight consciously to resolve differences and misunderstandings. Argue in a fair way so that at the end of each fight you end up feeling even more connected rather than alienated.  Learn how to listen. Learn how to be responsive emotionally. Do reflective conversations to diffuse fights. Don’t get frustrated but calm down and collect yourself, because then you can fight, talk it out in calmer manner. I strongly agree that good communication skills are required for a lasting love. 

Fight for love, it can last. You can move to the stability stage and further.

Mark Twain

Hannah Brencher