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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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oozey mess
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@loudlysad

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my new roommate’s best friend literally says “we’ll just go out for one drink” on a weeknight, goes to a club, has ONE drink while everyone else is getting to it, and then tells everyone when it’s time to go home so they can actually make it to class in the morning and I’m genuinely terrified by the amount of self control she has
saying you’ll just have one drink at the club on a school night and then following through and getting up for class the next day demonstrates the exact level of resolve it took to amputate your own arm on an 18th century battlefield
Which episode of Black Mirror is this?
We interrupt your usual schedule to bring you a very small pig descending a set of stairs.
HE JUMPS RIGHT INTO IT AND MAKES LITTEL SOUNDS N0
Constant state of oink
my sister-in-law, who has no kids and does not spend time around children ever, decided she wanted to take my kids on an “outing” yesterday. (she sees them like 4 times a year usually). she took them to some weird historical u.s. military fort museum thing, it’s like a big compound with like 15 buildings enclosed by a fence. anyway my 5-yr-old saw one of those red metal fire alarm boxes on the wall and asked his aunt “what does that say?”
now the correct answer to this question, in my opinion, would be “that is a fire alarm. we only touch fire alarms if there is a fire. if there is a fire, you would pull the handle and it would make a very loud noise so that other people know to get out of the building.”
according to several reliable sources, my sister-in-law’s answer to the question was, “it says ‘pull.’”
so anyway that’s how they managed to evacuate all 15 buildings at the museum and why this is probably their last “outing” for a while.

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Bots/hackers are using hacked “inactive” twitter accounts now
put it back and lets pretend this never existed
Don’t put it back, its an aggressive invasive species
Christ
That’s a lot of nuggets right there
can u imagine going noodlin and this chomps down on you oh my god
Duuuuude!! Catfish grow to the amount of food there is which means the river these guys came from must be plentiful as fuck, or it’s eating the native species. PSA: do NOT catch and release catfish. The fuckers will screw with the rivers ecosystem if they’re not native to the area. These are the sort of size fish that WILL have a go at eating people as well, they will probs chock but yeah. Catfish have little to no sight, since they’re bottom feeders they scout for food mostly using their feelers, and just swallow whatever they think can fit in their mouths. I watch a lot of Jeremy Wades River Monsters when I’m bored. The shit he films is ridiculous and I love it.
Edit: Cat fish are also cannibals if there’s no other food source.
When’s this site coming out with a night mode
this site is kept together with glitter glue & toothpicks stop making demands
Things my dentist has actually said to me:
“Well, either the x-rays lied to me or you are spontaneously creating teeth. I’m going with the second one because it’s way cooler.”
“When was the last time you flossed? Your gums aren’t bleeding which means I’m either not doing this hard enough or you actually floss your teeth regularly”
“You don’t need to do a fluoride treatment I just want to go check my facebook for a second and this is the best excuse I can come up with. Don’t worry your insurance will cover it.”
“Take a whole handful of toothbrushes, I can’t order new ones in less ugly colors until these ones are gone.”
“Remember not to eat or drink anything for a half hour…or actually you know forget that go eat lemons and drink coffee right now. I make money based on peoples bad decisions, you should probably stop brushing your teeth too.”
“I became a dentist because I like making children cry and they don’t let you do that as a regular doctor.”
Chaotic neutral dentist?
Fun fact about JF Kennedy, nobody knows what the JF stands for
Just fucking Kennedy

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a man that thinks hes about to prove some sort of point and win the one sided argument he’s trying to get me involved in: Well let me ask you this
me: no shut the fuck up
Granny: No printer, just fax!
me,at a clothes store: excuse me, how much are these pants?
employee: oh theyre 19.99 :)
me: dam…..didnt realize I was at the Gucci store…..

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w… what happens?
me: *sees morgan freeman trending on twitter* dont be dead pls dont be dead pls dont be dead
me: *opens tag*
me: i’d rather he be dead