Writer's Block

“I have come to the realization that I am the type of person you like but do not love. You will see me and say hello, but when you ask how I’m doing, you are not seeking a genuine answer. When you think of the people you’d like to invite for a night out, I am a passing thought that is never put into action. I am okay from a distance, but I am fundamentally unloveable when examined up close.”

“He was so careless in the way he treated people. He was so gripping that all of his feelings- his woes, his triumphs, his fears, his failures, his loves, his happiness- became yours too. He so recklessly gave you everything when things were good. Quick to compliment. Quick to carry you when you hurt. But when his darkness set in, it left a shadow one could not easily forget. Those feelings he had were only magnified in his relationship with you. His grief brought your anguish, and there was no way to only care for parts of him. When days were bleak, you knew that his loyalty and favor were as capricious as the wind on a summer day in Alabama. Yet, you always found yourself creeping back to him just to get a hit of his radiance when he glowed warm. He is careless in the way he treats people, but you are more careless for allowing him to be so with your heart.”

He is a good man, a kind man; he looks at me and I suddenly realize that two eyes can simultaneously hold the mysteries of the cosmos and the histories of every lifetime we’ve shared together.

Some smells never fade from your memories- like the scent of your long-dead grandfather that still lingers on his old Hawaiian shirts. Or, it can be the scent of your ex-lover’s cologne that alerts you he’s around before you can even see him. Maybe, perhaps, it’s the smell of a freshman girl’s burnt, flat-ironed hair that makes you reminiscent of the night you spent with your girlfriends getting ready for the big school dance. Some smells never fade, and you’re thankful the memories didn’t either.

I fill my stomach with liquor just to feel emptiness.

In those last fleeting moments before your childhood is over, you begin to see all the time you've wasted over nothing. It didn't matter what you got on a calculus test or whether or not you looked vaguely chunky in a dress you loved. You recall the nights spent laughing while lying next to your best friend. You remember when you were eight, playing Guitar Hero because it made you happy. You remember the freeness of being young. Blow out the candles. Make a wish. Adulthood is coming, and you can't turn back.

I am not a spark that can be extinguished under the weight of your boots. I am hellfire. I consume everything in my path, and I don't fear you being swallowed by my flame.

If the pain I feel is temporary, why does it feel like it's going to go on forever?

Loving you is the closest I'll ever come to religion.

I didn't notice her claws immediately. I heard the sugary sweet voice and saw her halo glow- I thought she was a friend. She began sinking her talons into me one by one. The toxic shards infected my mind, my heart, my wellbeing. This was without my knowledge. This was without my sight. I was shriveling away into the echoes of myself while she continued picking at me piece by piece. The friendship I so desperately desired and pursued began to kill me. Until one day I woke up. The visceral instinct encouraged me to fight her. To rip every last shred of her out of my system. To finally be purged of the harpy. The gapes she left in me will not soon fade. But eventually the scars will form. Eventually my soul will heal.

the inescapable loneliness swallows me whole

I'm glad we don't always get exactly what we want. I once wanted to settle down with the boy who made me feel small and live to be entirely ordinary. I wanted to stay 10 miles away from home, go to school, become what my parents wanted me to be, and believe what good girls were supposed to believe. I'm glad we don't always get what we want because I've realize since then that the boy I thought loved me wanted to control me. I've realized that I do want to settle down, but not until I've seen every corner of the earth I can. I've realized what my passions are, my interests are, my morals are. I've realized that I have so much potential to do good and give love and grow beyond all imagination.

I'm tired of feeling like nothing I say matters, and I'm tired of feeling used.

Sometimes you meet your soulmate in the most random, bizarre way. You don't expect them to come into your life, and you don't necessarily realize it's them right off the bat. But when you have them, you're convinced that your love can move mountains, calm oceans, outshine fire, create windstorms, and last forever. You're so consumed with them, and you can't imagine a point in your life without them. Your life becomes colorful. Your soul ignites.

I looked at him and realized everything changed. I was not in love with the man before me. He looked the same as he had always had, but I could see his soul was different. It wasn't full of love and hope. It was bitter. Angry. I realized that I couldn't stay waiting on him to love me again when I had my own shit to do.

Sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together when everything they have is pulling them apart.