︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

i studied illustration and was really into writing essays and poetry, making collage, printmaking, zines and art film, but COVID has since disabled me and i've been having a hard time making art again with my different mind and body. i'm hoping coming back to tumblr will help me find people in a similar situation and inspire me to make some art again.

i'm in greater london and would love to collaborate with any CC people trying to organize, locally or remotely, even if you just need some help with editing and designing your zine, posts, etc.

why the same inflammation markers as autism? why the huge comorbidity between this and autism, MCAS, hypermobility, migraines, dysautonomia?? all things that have been drastically misunderstood and underresearched

and obviously why covid, infections and mold as a trigger?

viruses always did this to some people and we never figured out why, doctors that knew never advocated for these people and have treated us like the modern day "hysteria", it is an emergency for everone that COVID both does this in a much larger scale than other viruses and also affects EVERYONE'S immune system which then makes you more likely to end up like us.

we barely understand which viruses cause me/cfs, if COVID really causes it or if each virus can cause a different subtype of post-viral illness... it's a mess, the only thing im sure of is that women and people with endrocrine systems, neurodivergent people, especially autistic and hypermobile people are much more likely to become disabled by viruses, (autistic people are also much more likely to be trans so thats another vulnerable group).

i had accepted death as an option back in the first winter of being bedbound, flooded by the first times with stories of people like me passing away without a clear cause. now, in spring, comes the fear of dying without outrage, without a biopsy figuring out what killed me, of having my life ripped away from me with a vague diagnosis of heart failure or pneumonia like everybody else. even though i've struggled against death with every movement i make for years now, it would just be seen by doctors as a mistake made by a deconditioned, vulnerable. sensitive, depressed, anxious, lazy, broken and unfortunate body.

the fear of my loved ones dying has started to creep in since this last health scare too, that the women in my family all seem to have parts of my "constellation" of illnesses. all those weird things i noticed as a child, that probably gave me that health/death OCD at the time too, realizing i wasn't wrong to be scared, to feel neglected by not being dragged to a doctor for having such back pain and not being able to run like my friends as a teenager (just like my sister), it feels nice being validated by that doctor of course, but nothing about this overlap of illness is ever that easy. the moment you get the feeling they're onto something and about to give you a diagnosis that might change your life, you realize nobody knows what they're talking about in the first place, and every diagnosis is vague and simply too complicated for your GP to help, and maybe some of the words a report done by a specialist wrote, might be misinterpreted by them and pull you back to a worst position than before.

this is so blatantly eugenicist. even if 99% wasn't a huge cope, does it not affect the healthy people in any way to have friends become bedbound, chronically ill, getting cancer and heart disease? you genuinely have to beg the edgy left for basic decency and empathy when it comes to disabled people.

i guess i am not that good of a friend as i thought either, it feels impossibly hard and terrifying to do it myself, to reach out first and tell them ive been sick. its hard because everyone knew something was wrong w me, i kept saying it and i feel nobody took it srsly bc im mentally ill, everyone assumes it's that or just burnout, even tho i kept trying to say this felt so different, i was clearly seeing myself stop being able to take care of myself or do anything, baseline getting worse every time i got ill, symptoms piling up.