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i studied illustration and was really into writing essays and poetry, making collage, printmaking, zines and art film, but COVID has since disabled me and i've been having a hard time making art again with my different mind and body. i'm hoping coming back to tumblr will help me find people in a similar situation and inspire me to make some art again.

i'm in greater london and would love to collaborate with any CC people trying to organize, locally or remotely, even if you just need some help with editing and designing your zine.

viruses always did this to some people and we never figured out why, doctors that knew never advocated for these people and have treated us like the modern day "hysteria", it is an emergency for everone that COVID both does this in a much larger scale than other viruses and also affects EVERYONE'S immune system which then makes you more likely to end up like us.

we barely understand which viruses cause me/cfs, if COVID really causes it or if each virus can cause a different subtype of post-viral illness... it's a mess, the only thing im sure of is that women and people with endrocrine systems, neurodivergent people, especially autistic and hypermobile people are much more likely to become disabled by viruses, (autistic people are also much more likely to be trans so thats another vulnerable group).

i had accepted death as an option back in the first winter of being bedbound, flooded by the first times with stories of people like me passing away without a clear cause. now, in spring, comes the fear of dying without outrage, without a biopsy figuring out what killed me, of having my life ripped away from me with a vague diagnosis of heart failure or pneumonia like everybody else. even though i've struggled against death with every movement i make for years now, it would just be seen by doctors as a mistake made by a deconditioned, vulnerable. sensitive, depressed, anxious, lazy, broken and unfortunate body.

the fear of my loved ones dying has started to creep in since this last health scare too, that the women in my family all seem to have parts of my "constellation" of illnesses. all those weird things i noticed as a child, that probably gave me that health/death OCD at the time too, realizing i wasn't wrong to be scared, to feel neglected by not being dragged to a doctor for having such back pain and not being able to run like my friends as a teenager (just like my sister), it feels nice being validated by that doctor of course, but nothing about this overlap of illness is ever that easy. the moment you get the feeling they're onto something and about to give you a diagnosis that might change your life, you realize nobody knows what they're talking about in the first place, and every diagnosis is vague and simply too complicated for your GP to help, and maybe some of the words a report done by a specialist wrote, might be misinterpreted by them and pull you back to a worst position than before.

this is so blatantly eugenicist. even if 99% wasn't a huge cope, does it not affect the healthy people in any way to have friends become bedbound, chronically ill, getting cancer and heart disease? you genuinely have to beg the edgy left for basic decency and empathy when it comes to disabled people.

i guess i am not that good of a friend as i thought either, it feels impossibly hard and terrifying to do it myself, to reach out first and tell them ive been sick. its hard because everyone knew something was wrong w me, i kept saying it and i feel nobody took it srsly bc im mentally ill, everyone assumes it's that or just burnout, even tho i kept trying to say this felt so different, i was clearly seeing myself stop being able to take care of myself or do anything, baseline getting worse every time i got ill, symptoms piling up.

i dont want to be alone anymore, i only feel whole when i get to dream every night and see everyone from my old life

i dont know whats worse, to give up hope, or to have another heartbreak every morning, when i open my eyes, try to get up and realize im just as sick as the day before

i miss myself, i miss the worlds i used to create in my mind

i miss my friends so much, but i dont even know who i miss, because how could they all have left me behind

i miss being seen, i miss surprising others with kindness, i miss meeting new people, seeing new places

i miss taking care of people, taking care of the house, taking care of myself, making food, dreaming about which furniture id want to get

i miss having problems that weren't my health, i miss being sad, and angry and frustrated, i barely feel things anymore

whats the point? anger and resentment wont change my situation, nobody knows im stuck in this bed, i dont even feel real

all i dream of is when will people finally wake up? will they protest for us? will they care? when will doctors catch up? will they regret it and apologize? when will a treatment come out? will it all get back to normal or is there permanent damage? when will they figure this out? when will i be free and alive again? when will i exist again?

"Palestinian Dr. Izzeddin Shaheen reports that he tragically witnessed the deaths of young people in Gaza who had no prior medical history and suddenly passed away due to complications from respiratory problems.

Dr. Shaheen confirms that, at the level of the Gaza Strip, all ICU beds are occupied, and most of the cases involve respiratory infections with symptoms resembling COVID, amid severe shortages of medical supplies and the ongoing Israeli blockade."

from: Quds News Network

this is the another aspect of the pandemic that i think about all the time, if it's bad for us to silently deal with post covid complications in the west, i cant imagine the pain you must feel being in this condition or taking care of someone during an active genocide.

please never give up trying to tell other leftists about this, like with any other epidemic/pandemic, we might mostly survive for now in the West but that is far from the reality for most of humanity. at some point they're going to have to listen to us.

Science:

"The UK Office for National Statistics (ONS) has calculated that there were 7.2% or 44,255 more deaths registered in the UK in 2022 based on comparison with the five-year average (excluding 2020). This persisted into 2023 with 8.6% or 28,024 more deaths registered in the first six months of the year than expected."

source: Excess mortality in England post COVID-19 pandemic: implications for secondary prevention

"In this cross-sectional study, from October 2022 to September 2023, there were an estimated 43.6 million COVID-19–associated illnesses, 10.0 million outpatient visits, 1.1 million hospitalizations, and 101 300 deaths. From October 2023 to September 2024, there were an estimated 33.0 million COVID-19–associated illnesses, 7.7 million outpatient visits, 879 100 hospitalizations, and 100 800 deaths."

source: Estimated Burden of COVID-19 Illnesses, Medical Visits, Hospitalizations, and Deaths in the US From October 2022 to September 2024

"A.) Bacterial infection-related deaths, ventilator-associated respiratory infections, Staphylococcal infection-related deaths, and Group A Streptococcus (GAS)-related deaths per 100,000 significantly increased in the US during the years after the COVID-19 pandemic. B.) Total infection-related deaths, bloodstream infection rates, and Staphylococcal infection-related deaths similarly increased in the state of Illinois after the COVID-19 pandemic."