ASH

i feel like shit keeps dissappearing

and i'm not really sure why

buy i got my set of keys

and my two pretty brown eyes

i'm very in love with her.

and i think she's very in love with me,

or she would be

if the world wasn't the way it was

if her mother wouldn't disown her

if her father wouldn't cry

if her worldview didnt shatter

and if people were nicer.

yeah, i think she would love me then.

i'm given what i'm given

because i'm taught what i'm taught

and i smile and i don't fidget

and i'm lukewarm; never hot

and i always dot my i's

and cross my little t's

i stay within the lines

of my confined reality

and in this world

i am so nice

a perfect girl

like lucky dice

for years i was so sick

i tried everything to get better

and finally

something worked.

i got better!

i got so much better i almost forgot

how sick i used to be

but i could never forget

running barefoot in north philly asking a random woman to borrow her phone

i could never forget

my legs constantly being covered in bruises from self harm

it was better to punch myself than the walls

i suppose

i won't forget how easily i was able to be influenced

and manipulated

i won't forget the sheer extreme panic from the anxiety attacks i had that sometimes lasted twelve straight hours

and i can't forget how terrifying it was not being in control of my own mind -- like sentience was a limited time offer

but now, years later, i wake up in my sunny room in new york city

now i go to a job i love

now i have friends who aren't scared of me or worried about me

now i have peace.

but sometimes, after a good day at work, as i sit on the subway

suddenly i'm sad because

i remember how it once was

and i remember how it felt.

drown her in liquor

so u dont feel sicker

cop her then ditch her

so u get drunk quicker

fuck a mixer

might as well hit her

you dont have friends, you have bottles

you dont have girls, u have coddles

you hate real love so you drown in beer

and ditch real friends you held so dear

you suck her force away

through drinks each fucking day

you act like it's her say

then in her grave you lay

bury a friend

drink 'till the end

sip it to mend

the "friend" you killed dead

bury a friend

drink 'till the end

sip it to mend

the "friend" you killed dead

and the call of the void marks the death of the breath

and a silence sung call is all i have left

and her stolen voice which they called art theft

fucks my head never right never up down nor left

i try not to be too much but then i'm not enough

and i climb through thorns, but it's still too rough

then i'm out and i'm free and i'm all i can be

but something's missing, there's more i can't see

fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up bad

and take it with you, all that you had

fuck this world since it fucked you first

and drink the flame and cure your thirst

fuck it up good for the boys and girls

so you're born again to a fucked up world

live then drown in the dizzying swirl

of creation's most fucked up holy hurl

sleep tight

end your sight

for tomorrow's day shall be bright

blood is thicker than water

that's why it doesn't give you life

it clogs and clumps

it stops your heart

but water is refreshing

water gives you life

water keeps blood moving

not the other way around

blood is thicker than water

that's why it wont save you

just take my soul

make me bleed

i want all of you

in all of me

take your thoughts

and make them mine

i want to lose myself

in your sunshine

be my mistake

it won't last for long

let's do it again

you sound like a song

gonna add to my lore

I want more I want more

'till I'm weak 'till I'm sore

like a beaten down whore

take my soul, watch it pour

I'm so rich that I'm poor

it's not shattered, it tore

like I came home from war

running in from the shore

just need more then I'll be fine

don't worry, I'll be sure

like he's not healed or shit

like I'm a drug that hasn't hit

where the cameras for this bit

he felt my clit

thought he was lit

but he's not feeling it

nah he's not feeling it

she likes girls but she doesn't like me

she doesn't like girls but she does like me

cuz she's straight

she's not into girls

but she looks at me as if she was

at least a little bit

maybe she likes me

but not other girls

or maybe she doesn't like me

and she doesn't like other girls

and she just looks at people like that

but why is it only to me

why doesn't she hold her gaze for others as long as she holds it for me

no but she doesn't like girls

and she doesn't like me

does she?

i'm sorry i didn't mean to love bomb you baby

you really did drive me crazy

and now that i know you

i lost myself again

love sick but it's not love

i have an obsession

a curse from above

i want you but i don't know why

it's cuz of your bed sheet eyes

and your cherry flavored lies

it doesn't feel good when you love me

but it feels worse when you leave

it's like i'm locked and you're the key

then i'm open and left to grieve

and i don't want to date

just take this big weight

cuz i only want the sheets

i want to feel fed after i eat