Outer Heaven

I've never been traditionally "manly." I'm definitely a cis guy through and through, and that's not likely to change. At the same time, filling that mold has never been super important to me. If the opportunity to, say, wear dresses or makeup ever came up, the only things that kept me from it were either physical discomfort or the judgment of others.

In retrospect, the only thing I'm ashamed of is that I let that stop me. But it was enough for me to be creative and artistic, and even that wasn't always enough for others. I was pushed into sports I had no interest in. I was mocked when I underperformed. In terms of both my physical ability and my limited capacity to even give a fraction of a shit about sports, those attempts were doomed from the start. I thought I might like basketball once, but all I really liked was the '90s-era pageantry of it.

I survived by faking interest, by wearing the shirts of teams I knew nothing about and agreeing with people with stronger opinions than mine. With some ugly exceptions, I managed to avoid a lot of direct bullying, but in select regards, I had to keep my real self hidden to do so. (At this point, I'd like to clarify: I hold nothing against sports fans in general. I understand as well as anyone how high passions about any type of medium can rise. This just happens to be the culture that I was expected to take part in by society at large.)

Now, none of this is a new story. The pervasiveness of toxic masculinity in pre-to-early internet age grade schools is a tried and true narrative. But even when I thought I found solace in internet nerd communities, it still somehow followed me. Being sensitive was objectively wrong. Caring about almost anything was worth ridicule. Feelings didn't matter, and you were stupid for having them. So of course, you pretend you don't care to blend in and not make waves. But two things happen in that process:

1. In playing along with "u mad?" culture, you become something you hate. I can't watch through MGS1 Abridged without cringing at some of the shit I wrote for the sake of being edgy. I know some will defend it, but there was legit some sexist, racist, and ableist shit in there. Whether any of it reflected my personal views or not, I played along in perpetuating the kind of harmful sentiments I'd hoped to avoid in order to be one of the "cool kids." It wasn't worth it, especially considering...

2. However I tried to adapt to the crowd, I was still just as sensitive and thin-skinned as I had ever been. I responded poorly to criticism (I still do, and apologize to anyone who's gotten the brunt of that. I'm trying to be better). I was petty and vindictive, and anyone who dared publicly dislike me (or even just one thing I'd done) became a target of ridicule. On occasion, I overreached and was targeted myself. Honestly, I'm super lucky anyone even gave me the time of day after that shit.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "What the fuck does ANY of this have to do with Steven Universe?" Well, that's what we're about to get into. When I found out my favorite Adventure Time writer, Rebecca Sugar, had a pilot that was going to air on CN, I knew I had to check it out. I wasn't disappointed. Here was a show about a boy with three female (at least presenting, but at the time of the pilot, I only had so much to go off of) role models. He wasn't embarrassed about it. Hell, he was so proud of being on their team that he wrote a song about it. This was a kid who wasn't afraid to just be who he was, and it was so refreshing. One official serial debut and 157 episodes later, that theme was continually reinforced and finally came full-circle. It was the show I needed as a kid. Hell, it was the show I needed now.