Wordy Bird

give me a newly-turned twenty-something vampire who hears about their newfound immortality and is like “thank god,” then proceeds to invest in some promising startups and fucks off to take a nap for two decades

give me a vampire thats only the tiniest bit phased at the blood diet because “eh, i tried paleo a while back and it was just as weird”

give me a vampire with self image issues who never has to avoid mirrors again because - bingo - no reflection

give me a genderqueer vampire who finally has an answer when someone asks their gender. “are you a boy or a girl?” “i am a vampire.” “but whats in your pants?” “fangs.” 

french: :)

english: oh boy

french: :)

english: oh no

french: :)

english: oh geez

english: :)

french: don’t

german: :)

english: oh dear

spanish: :)

english: no don’t

spanish: :)

english: oh lordy

polish: :)

english: i changed my mind

UK english: ladybird!

american english: ladybug

french: weird

dutch: :)

french: …what

dutch: the good lord’s little animal

french: …ok

irish, polish and russian: *giggling*

french: …just tell me

japanese: :)

english: //lies down for an eternal sleep

The long version is that I worked at an organization that disburses funds according to the owner’s wishes (basically Trump Foundation without the skeeze) and by law, every recipient of donations has to be a 501(c )3 organization. If you get caught giving money to a non-charity, you get in VERY BIG TROUBLE. So my job was to ensure that every foundation we gave money to had all its paperwork properly filed and was recognized by the IRS.

The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science (gag) was set to get $10K from us, but since we’d never given to them before, I had to double-check the IRS filings etc. And guess what? 

The foundation was not accredited. 

This was in 2007, and the foundation had only recently been set up; oftentimes the paperwork takes a while to get through. The IRS will give a sort of provisional paper in that situation, saying it’s okay to donate, so I called up the foundation to ask them for said paper. I promptly got yelled at for the better part of 15 minutes by the most unpleasant woman I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter, who claimed I was lying about the foundation’s IRS status, that I must immediately send her the money, that she would be taking legal action if I did not release the funds to her this instant. I managed to get off the phone after telling her that no, in fact we did need the IRS paperwork before we disbursed funds, thanks very much, let me know if you can send them, here’s the fax number! (Oh, faxes.)

The next day I get a call from an irate dude with a British accent who starts the conversation with “I’m Richard Dawkins.” Now I’ll be honest, dear reader, in 2007 I didn’t have the first fucking clue who that was; all I knew is he’d named his foundation after himself. So I tried to be as soothing as possible (because rich people are the worst) but he pretty much immediately said “I’d like to speak to your supervisor—or someone more competent, at any rate,” and for the next hour my boss had to make faces at me through the window as she dealt with him. 

It turns out he wanted her to fire me for lying about the status of his foundation, otherwise he’d take legal action. My boss, who was an incredibly great lady, very politely told him to get bent and that if he didn’t want to supply the required paperwork, he’d have to live without our ten grand.

I pass these two guys and they whistle and one made cat noises and one asked “hey missy, where are you going dressed like that?”

and I was trying to walk past but it looked like they were about to follow me so I tried to say “back off” or “go to hell” but I was flustered because I’ve never been catcalled before and I said loudly “BACK TO HELL”

My femme wife: [who has also taken 6 hours] Okay babe I love you I’m ready and your highlight is poppin severely but you need to blend that contour in a little bit

If you’re a cis woman and you can see this post, reblog it. Reblog it if you don’t hate trans women, or think we’re all confused men obsessed with vaginas.

I wanna see where this goes.

business: sir i’m afraid we can’t serve you because you’re carrying a loaded gun and this is a family environment 

Medication is often stigmatized and that really bothers me. I’ve taken meds on and off for years to supplement my focus and combat my anxiety. I’ve adapted because of prescriptions. None of us are weak for this, we’re simply helping our brains get the chemicals they need to function better.

Available on RedBubble!

Please do not repost or share without credit.

I felt like I needed to clarify some things before we could continue any more conversations on this godforsaken website.