Life is life

I look at my 7th graders complaining about school and life and I have a lot of empathy for them (middle school is HELL) but also they’re like “I can’t wait to be an adult” and in my head I’m like “should I tell them? No. No I shouldn’t. Let them dream”. 

I would pay hundreds of dollars not to go to this event on Saturday. It has me so anxious that I started picking my scalp again and not sleeping through the night. I’ve had quite a few meltdowns about the dress I’m planning to wear because I don’t know what the dresscode is. And it’s my least favorite type of event. The conservative republican, all the men stand up when a woman enters the room, look how much money I have type of event. And I have to go bc it’s my grandfather and I can’t say no. So yeah happy Thursday.

Today my sister was pulling her typical bullshit where she makes me come downstairs from my room by shaming me and coercing me into “family time” which usually is just us sitting in the same room with a movie on that I don’t like. “You never leave your room so I just don’t care anymore. I just won’t try and you won’t be in my life. Just stay up there for the rest of your life and never do anything and be lazy”. I sent her back a message saying “I am no longer going to respond to manipulation, guilt tripping, shaming, gaslighting or coercion”. She proceeded to pull more of her bs and I just responded with “this is exactly what I mean. I’ll be upstairs”. She went ballistic and let me just say I still feel really good about putting a boundary in place with her and also her response tells me the boundary was SUPER necessary.

Gotta love when you find an essay you wrote in 4th grade that indicates you were already dealing with disordered eating at that time. I have lots of feelings about this, none of which I wanted to deal with today. 1) How long have I hated my body? 2) When did I learn that I should hide the fact that I was eating from my family? 3) WHY didn’t a teacher say something to my parents?! 4) What else dont I remember from my childhood? 5) I am angry

So...at our temple the kiddos usually get the traditional “Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of the oil lasting 8 days” story (along with the victory of the Maccabees) until around 5th grade when we reveal that, no, it really isn’t about the oil and that whole story is more of a metaphor and we start talking about anti-Semitism throughout history and how this really could be a celebration of victory against anti-Semites (amongst other things). I teach 5th grade. I never really worry about “breaking the news” to them. But I just couldn’t do it this year. I just couldn’t sit there on Zoom in the middle of a pandemic and take away what is fundamentally a comforting story for them. So yeah that’s how things are going for me.

Um. Nobody taught me how to handle falling out of love with someone who you once thought you were destined to be with but who you were never in a relationship with. Someone who is probably still in love with you but whose trauma prevented her from attempting a relationship with you and at this point its kinda too late. So basically I want to still be in love with this person but I don’t think I am anymore and idk what the fuck to do about that. Her family tells her every chance they get that we should date. Just a few months ago I was still in love. What do I do with this?? And what if I HAVEN’T actually fallen out of love and this is some weird constant trauma related thing bc of 2020/pandemic/whatever else? also afraid to talk to literally fucking anybody about this because if i say it to a real person that makes it real and what if my feelings change about her and my friends have put up with enough of this shit and hearing about it and I just don’t know what to do.

Shoutout to my depression and anxiety, the pandemic, adulthood, and my insomnia for keeping me awake at 2:32 AM when I have to teach 3 classes tomorrow. Also tonight had an upsetting experience where someone I follow on TikTok went live and he was blackout drunk in a pitch black room, barely able to speak his speech was so slurred except for when he pretty clearly said “I wish my dad loved me” and a few minutes later “how do I tell them [meaning the people watching his live] I’m okay even though I’m not okay?”. He passed out a couple of minutes after that and he has a roommate who I think is in their dorm rn so I think he’s fine but ugh. Every ounce of caregiver in me is screaming because there’s nothing I can do at all. There’s just a lot of pain in the world y’all. So yeah I’m not doing great tonight l o l

Welp. Jacobi didn’t even respond to my “I’m incredibly grateful to have you in my life” snapchat so I’m crying about that but at least in the past 24 hours I’ve realized that the vast majority of my graduating class from highschool still isn’t married so I can feel a teeny tiny bit less bad about being single as fuck :)

realizing that my love language may primarily be physical touch and i just haven’t recognized it because i’m not used to receiving physical touch or asking for it because i view myself as physically gross and unlovable???? hahah happy thursday.

Truly can’t believe how traumatic this year has been l o l

Jacobi is in town and still won’t talk to me. He opens my Snapchats and just doesn’t respond. Idk if he’s just done with me or if something is going on with him or what but I’m fucking hurt. Meanwhile I’ve been crying intermittently for the past week over the thought that maybe I don’t belong anywhere. Maybe there’s no person out there for me. Maybe there’s no job out there for me. Maybe I’m meant to be alone and not find my place. Fuck everything tonight.

No it’s fine I’m just 10,000% lonely tonight and decidedly am not looking forward to my virtual commencement ceremony tomorrow and just yeahhh

Also VERY hurt and frustrated that Jacobi won’t answer me/contact me

Currently VERY frustrated with myself. Anxiety is off the charts. Depression is Very Bad. Sleep schedule is off so I’m sleeping til 12 and I’m trying to fix it but it’s not working because what motivation do I have to get up in the morning? I’m trapped in this house, no job, no local friends, my family is a nightmare. My room is an actual trash pit and I have no motivation/energy to clean it. No more school to keep me going. Don’t even want to leave the second floor because that means seeing my family. Could be doing certain things (job apps, finishing up my neurosequential model certification, printing transcripts for my records) but I’m not because again no motivation but also then guilt about not doing the things. And then I’m fully awake in the middle of the night with nobody to talk to and I’ve been getting panic attacks and intrusive suicidal thoughts (passive ones). Also experiencing that hyper-fixated feeling about random stuff where I’m obsessed for a while and then feel empty when that obsession ends and need a new one. Idk man it’s bad.