Vesper

It’s really warm outside, for the month of April, and I’m lucky enough to have a balcony on which I can get some fresh air. 

We’re in quarantine since march, and I still work as a seller in a bakery. My hours have considerably reduced but they still find a way to get me there almost everyday. We have divided our clients by 5 and yet I’m still exhausted when I come home. I’m exhausted knowing both my kid and partner are at risk because of me and the people who come buying their daily baguette.

I feel mostly resentment for the people who come everyday for this and who don’t even care that we’re at risk for their own little comfort. Most of the people who come are grumpy about the situation and clearly can’t stay home for their own safety. They’re clearly disappointed to see that our range is reduced during this testing time, they come and feel like we owe them what they want. But that’s the point, it’s just what they want not what they need. Except for bread our products aren’t necessities, they’re a luxury. Feel lucky to even have any Pain au chocolat, croissant, muffin or donuts at all. You don’t need them to survive. They’re here for pleasure. And the worst of them all, the ones who clearly see the bread but don’t came here for that but for patisseries. Just fuck yourself. You put me and my coworkers at risk, and for what ? Your own glutonny.

My son, almost 6, as every kid, needs to get some fresh air, yet he understands better than most adults that we need to stay put, and not go outside to not risk other people life. So today, we enjoy a little bit of outside time on our balcony. I know he dreams to go to the park, or to the beach, or to class. He just wants the company of his friends. He’s very demanding, he puts tv on and just plays next to it without watching it because he needs the noise. 

I don’t fully understand all his shenanigans and what he wants me to do and play with him. I’m not very good at pursuing school at home; I’m no teacher, and neither of us have an extended amount of patience. So when he’s bored and not following instructions, we just stop the activity because I want this testing time to remain a time where our family keeps its sanity. But my kid has always always wanted to get outside. From the early stages of his life I’ve always made the effort to go outside because we don’t have a garden and he needs his exercise to feel fulfilled. I enjoy watching play with other kids from afar, reading my book, listening to music, or as of today, writing a blog post on my computer, thing I haven’t done in years.

I just want to be able to reflect on this time in the years to come if I’m able to.

For me, quarantine isn’t a sacrifice. I already enjoyed staying home, and my computer has been my life since I had one 12 years ago. For almost half of my life I’ve had internet presence and I always enjoyed the online life. I’ve never much participated with my own words and voice, mostly reposting stuff that I find are really cool, making my own little corner of the internet that I enjoy. It’s been an escape for the sucky stuff life has thrown at me. 10 years ago my father was giving me 20 bucks on weekends to go outside with my friends and enjoy some icecream with them. I did not really want that. I wanted to watch my shows on my computer, talking with my friends via skype but did not enjoy going out much. During the summer though, I was a party animal, drinking, going out, enjoying quality time with my cousin.

But really, coming back home shitfaced, not remembering what I had done the previous night, isn’t really fun. And the hangover... well, it hangs over, and following a great party always was guilt.

Now I’m enjoying home time, my shows, maybe a glass of alcohool from time to time. But not going out much. Sometimes I want to go out and I remember it’s not me. I wake up early in the morning, take care of my child. I need my early nights. If you want to get social with me, well, do it during the day. Oh yes, when all of us have jobs to do, work to go to, classes to attend, appointments etc.

This quarantine time, I may have had my parents on the phone 3 times, and had a small phone conversation with one mum friend from school. Other than that... I haven’t spoken to anyone. Maybe because i don’t put the effort in. Partly because I’m watching Lucifer on repeat. Our mere mortal life seems really shitty next to tv shows who have much bigger problems than us but yet feels like family. I chose my tv shows and fandoms. 

I have interesting conversations with my son, not so much with his father. And to keep my health I prefer to read my books and watch my tv shows.

I will not say I don’t miss my friends, because I do, but I already had looooong stretch of time without seeing them, social media keeps me updated. But I’m used to it. Our work schedules are never compatible, there’s always something coming up to blow our plans so when we see each other it’s like 4 leaf clove. We’re lucky if it happens once or twice a year.