Neurodivergents of Gag City gather here.

i'm tryin to keep my head up but i think i officially lost my last irl friends at least in this city and i'm kinda just layin in bed confused af about what i'm doing wrong every single time. and it wouldn't hurt so bad if there was some specific incident/argument that definitively ended things, something that i could point to and be like "damn yea i regret doing that, i take accountability for that" but it's not.. it's literally nothing. it's just ME that's the problem, intrinsically, like my character and personality and just who i am. it's never that i'm problematic or hurt anyone or did something rude or mean or offensive, i'm never crossing any boundaries or being reckless. it's literally just me being myself unproblematically that everybody hates. me just standing there silently, smiling, *existing* is the problem that they can't stand. and it hurts because i'm at a point where i'm starting to like myself or at least i feel good about my values and what i'm trying to bring to the world, and to have that be the thing that pushes people away just confuses the fuck out of me.

i was trying to make plans with one of my last friends i have here to go to a festival and initially yes they wanted to go out, then i checked in later in the week and they were unavailable cuz some of their other friends from out of town were coming in and they were doing other stuff with them. which.. ok i'm an adult, i understand. is it rude last minute? yea, but like i can see why they would be priority because they're from out of state and i can let that slide. but cut to seeing that friend in someone else's ig story at the exact festival we were supposed to go to, the place they couldn't go to with me because they were going to see these other friends, and me realizing that damn.. the issue wasn't that they didn't want to go out, they just literally didn't want to go to the festival with ME. like i was the issue, i could've been easily included (there were other people in that story that were from here so it was a group, not just those out of state friends). this has lowkey happened before and i guess i was just too desperate to call it out but i don't care anymore.