Beautiful Mess.

I feel as if I’m not loved.

You told me a part truth about a month ago now - but you left the most important part out. You left it out either due to shame, guilt, or to not put more pressure on me. 

However, ever since you told me the rest of the truth you’ve shut me out whether you realize it or not. Maybe it’s due to my lack of compassion I showed you when you first told me; maybe it’s due to you just not wanting to tell me things; maybe it’s that you don’t love me anymore. 

You and I have gone through trials and tribulations in the past year but the for the first time ever, I don’t feel like a priority. 

I feel as if I’m not loved. 

It’s a horrible feeling. I’m trying to reach out to you.I feel as if you’re in a glass box and I’m trying to break you out of it but it’s as if the glass is unbreakable. It’s not only bulletproof, but soundproof. I tell you things now and I wonder if you actually listen or do you just nod your head and hope that i’ll just be quiet soon.

 I’m trying to shower you with gifts, compliments, touches, kisses, even when I don’t feel like living. 

I feel as if I’m not loved. 

I’ve never really been someone easy to be with. I lack a filter, being loving continuously, and I’m just a bit rough at times. So maybe, this is you unintentionally getting back at me.

There are numerous  times where we have sex and you can cum when I have my shirt, but you can’t when I have my shirt off, fully exposing me - which leads me to believe that you don’t like my body and it’s a turn off for you to see some lower belly fat or stretch marks. 

I feel as if I’m not loved. 

I told you not more than a couple of months ago that if this intangible thing between us didn’t change that I’d leave. I would only stay if you would change. If I knew then that this would be the change that would come, I would have never asked you that. I would have gotten out of your mom’s car and never looked back.

I feel as if I’m not loved.