random ramblings

I am not having any luck.

Me: Too fatigued to exercise. Also worried I will faint if I go for a walk alone since I experience dizziness every day.

Experts: Discontinue working out if you feel dizzy and call your doctor.

My doctors: Fatigue is normal during pregnancy. You should be walking. Go about your life as normal. Eat more protein to help with the dizziness.

Me: I had to quit my job because I am so fucking fatigued. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life.

My therapist: Just wait until the baby comes.

And my anxiety spiked yesterday, resulting in a totally hellish PTSD nightmare. I woke up yesterday and my body already decided to be anxious.

So many vivid dreams due to the pregnancy. This was a detailed PTSD nightmare that just kept going.

I am not used to men wanting my money. If I said no or tried to get away then what would he have done? I am used to men following me, chasing me, grabbing me, and threatening me.

He just wanted my money. He did not want me. I made sure to keep his thoughts on the money and not on touching or harming me. I did not hand him the money from the machine. I made him take it from the machine so that he would not even touch my hand.

$900 for my safety.

Remembering every single man who hurt me.

I literally just remembered when I turned down a man who wanted me to leave the bar with him, he “jokingly” said that he would kill me and my entire family. I was around 21 when that happened.

When I was 19 a drunk man said that he would choke me.

I’ve had a handful of men follow me, chase me, corner me, grab me.

At 22, a store owner sexually harassed and touched me when I was passing out.

Forcibly stripped at a party.

Men have fought over being the one to rape me.

One man threatened to beat up one of my best friends when we told him that he couldn’t walk me home. And he was twice the size of my friend.

Men don’t take no for an answer.

Then comes the depression

My dad had open heart surgery (went well, he is home recovering now) — still stressful

Stayed home from work to help out with family stuff -no pay for a week

Phone tag with the doctors office for all three weeks and still no appointment set

Lost the lottery twice

Robbed of $900 that the bank won’t give back

My dog stepped on my eyeball with her claw and broke a blood vessel in my eye this morning

It feels like a lifetime ago.

It feels so long ago that it doesn’t feel real.

But it did happen to me.

It happened to me in this lifetime in this body.

I am 13 years older.

I am fatter. I have fewer friends. I still don’t drive but I have my master’s degree.

It’s in my medical charts.

Victim of rape.

My life circumstances have changed now.

I have more insight than I did then.

I have loved and been loved in return.

Sex can bring joy and pleasure when it did not use to.

I am happily married.

The flashbacks do come.

Split seconds of trauma at a time.

It happened to me all those years ago.

Some things have changed.

I am older now. But I am still me.

My parents, both in their mix 60s, both still have living mothers (though they are in bad health).

My mom’s friends still have elderly living parents, or recently deceased. They are all in their 60s.

My mom just had a heart attack and had a stent put in. Now my dad has blockages that need to be cleared, which may also result in stents.

My mom has terrible health and is very disabled and obese. My dad is still working to support the family. And now his health is declining.

My husband and I are dealing with infertility.

My parents may never live to be grandparents.

And it’s all they’ve wanted for years now.

I cried a lot today. I am 31 and I am not ready to lose my parents.

Meanwhile one of my best friends will lose her mom to stage 4 cancer. And she is not yet 30. I can’t imagine her situation.

Was he flirting? Yes.

Do I mind? Surprisingly no. It wasn’t at all sexual and did not feel inappropriate. I thought the comments were cute.

He actually helped me relax by talking the whole time since I told him that I was anxious. It helped me realize that my heart was healthy looking as well. He would have said something different if there were any abnormalities.

He will likely be the one who conducts my stress test next month. And I feel fine with that.

This is a massive improvement in terms of my traumas and not liking male doctors.

She still wants me to cut out certain foods and to check in in 6 weeks.

My symptoms have been pretty bad lately and I am still not pregnant so I figure I might as well try the diet out. Immflamuation and stress and anxiety are only delaying my getting pregnant.

Ok so I read up on the policies to make sure that they are good policies

But my mouth dropped just now

They are listing the different recourses for different things like std testing and local hospitals, which were all fine

But for pregnancy they list someplace called birthright

I googled it

Pregnancy crisis center

Aka

False information and anti abortion

Also received 1 star on google reviews

Like why isn’t it planned parenthood

We have a local planned parenthood nearby within 14 mins of the school