28 and I’m maybe starting to get an inkling.

Okay so I think I mentioned I was working for my friend’s company training service dogs. I’ve been interning/working there for about two and a half years, helped come up with a lot of creative and also practical things for the company, especially related to its image. I helped my boss/close friend find her service dog puppy because she was going to overlook the most perfect one of the litter because he didn’t immediately fit her requirements except he was like four weeks old and squirmed once oh well he’s perfect she picked him and he’s wonderful. She’s breaking him now because she fucked up his anxiety during a fear period but that’s not my fault, that’s all on her.

Things started getting bad in January when I started dating my boyfriend. She was jealous I wasn’t spending as much time with her, yet made little effort to act like a friend to me. We had an expo that I barely made it through and she was terrible and unpleasant to be around there - to where I was getting chronic migraines and dissociating so often that it was more noteworthy when I wasn’t. Things spiraled so fast. I went from almost moving in with her to sneaking my things out when she had a surprise meeting with my best friend - after surprising me with one that I described to her face as an ambush.

About two months ago she told my friend that wanted to fire me with no discussion; a month and a half ago, we all sat down and talked about how to move forward. She cried, she told me to my face she still wanted me working there. I told her I wanted to be hired as a dog trainer, not an assistant. She said she needed to know if I could do it and that she needed to have assurance I could work with clients, but never scheduled me with clients so I could show her I could do it. Last Monday, I told her I hadn’t clocked in for at-home office work because I was having a hard time with mental health things, and she said she hoped I felt better. The next day, she had my friend fire me because we “didn’t have the money to pay anyone who wasn’t working directly with clients”. Then I found out that she’d hired an intern for the same position because she has the “work ethic” and availability she “needed”. The intern has no financial need for the job, where my boss said repeatedly that she knew and felt guilty over how little I make and she knows my financial situation. She knows I’m paying for the annulment, and this job was supposed to be a way for me to support myself even though I can’t keep most jobs because of mental health issues - she said she wanted this to be a kind of haven for people (not in those words but that was the idea.) Yet she refused me the opportunities I would have needed to stay.

I messaged her about this last night and told her she had chosen this without a conversation. She never bothered replying to that message. She also took away access to my company email after harassing me to set up forwarding; she took away login for the timekeeping software so I can’t see what I should have been getting paid for. One of the final offenses is that she said I would earn $39 an hour for dog training but when I was actually doing the training I didn’t see until a week or so ago that she’d only been paying $25. The claim had been that she would increase office work pay to offset it but nope, that never happened. I’ve already resolved to report her for discrimination because in this state, she only needs one employee to fall under state anti-discrimination law and for so many reasons that applies. I’m beyond giving her more chances now, she’s gone too far and despite claiming that lies are deeply against her moral code, she’s lied to me several times.

All of this comes after I was talking to her about how I might benefit from a service dog and how I had contacted a breeder for the breed I want (Shiloh Shepherd). If it weren’t for my sister being willing to loan me actually thousands of dollars, I would have no chance at getting the puppy I need for the next year. I’m so disgusted with this situation, and so grateful for the support I do have - including my friend who’s also a trainer and who’s willing to help me train the pup. I still need to work out income to support my furchildren but that’s less overwhelming than also having to save up $3000 for the dog and the essentials.

For anyone interested who’s made it this far (and I’ll be making a separate post when it’s ready) I’m setting up a site to offer tarot readings online. I’m also going to be repainting furniture to try and bring some money in. I’m doing my best to land on my feet, but wow I am struggling to get going today. I feel so betrayed and it feels like it’s eating me from the insides.

Wow it’s been a ride. In no particular order, updates:

I’ve basically moved in with friends and my new boyfriend. Things with him are either amazing or very frustrating because of his ego, but we’re working on it. My best friend here is also helping orchestrate some needed kicks in the pants.

Best friend’s stepbrother is someone I was/am crushing on a bit since the first time I met him. I found out tonight that he thought I was cute when he first met me. He’s comfortable around me (big deal!!) and has given me a hug on his own as a goodbye and also one time when I asked before he left.

My ex is willing to pay for the lawyer! And the lawyer is willing to adjust the paperwork to make him feel more comfortable signing! She’s been so supportive throughout so I really feel good about going with her. As it is, I’ve given Ex time to figure out finances and he’s going to give me a specific date when he’ll be able to pay me. So I’m really glad that’s going well.

Back on the friend’s stepbrother thing, I thought it would be weird and didn’t want to tell her initially but she brought it up on her own today and I am weirdly giddy about this. Neither of us knows how he’d feel about being in a poly relationship but *shrug emoji*

Friend and I also both agree that it’s important that I am approaching this as unapolygetically as possible so that this lovely person I’m dating doesn’t get complacent with me. If we’re going to be together he has got to grow up and I can’t get trapped in another accidentally monogamous relationship because I compromised my values away. It will hurt me so much more to live through that again than to end things and figure out what’s next.

Work has been crazy stressful because of some drama with my friend who is also my boss. We’re working on it. I might find another job but for now am staying on and seeing if we can figure this out.

Overall I have settled into this household so nicely that if my friend can only pick one of us (me or boyfriend) to stay here she’s said she’d prefer I stayed. But it shouldn’t come to that no matter what happens. It’s so reassuring that I fit in here though.

Also I think she’s one of the most amazing and beautiful people in the world and I may be a little bit in love with her which she probably knows anyway because she can basically read minds. But she is wonderful and I am so happy that I get to be in her life. That’s probably the best part of this. I don’t feel like I need that relationship to be any different from what it is, I value it so highly in itself and am so grateful that I have been given this gift in the first place.

but that friend (who introduced us) also has a really cute stepbrother who is very grump but super sweet and I may have a little bit of a thing for him

I hate that you left me with these land mines, buried deep, waiting to explode and level me. I can’t hold his hand or go to a store without you there, shouting in my mind, reminding me why I should be afraid. One misstep, one fumbled word, one innocent mistake and I crumble; I am reduced to ash in a moment because of what you left behind. It is taking me days to feel safe, to feel strong, to feel like myself again. It takes hours to drag myself from my bed, just so I can shamble around as a muted person, lost in memories and fear. As happy as I am I can only pretend so much that this isn’t consuming me.

When this happens, I get scared just like you wanted. I get compliant, just like you wanted. I get small. I get dependent. I get so focused on keeping those around me from exploding that I can’t care for myself.

I try to live against this - to do what I want when I feel this way, to find some kind of inner power, to ask for reassurance without negotiating for it. I try and I try and I try and maybe it helps but the fear isn’t going away and I can’t get out of bed and I hate it and I hate you for doing this to me. I doubt you ever noticed how hard it is for me to hate anyone and I hate that you pushed me so hard you’ve become an exception. I’m scared and I’m cold and there is nowhere I can run to get away from this because it’s in me, this terrified creature you planted in my brain is here and I know that it may never go away.

I can’t stay up to fill you guys in right now but I keep getting too shy to say anything about this and I wanted to break that down a little bit so I can open the floodgates of dumb-happy information soon!

He’s a big doof but it’s really endearing and he’s been so gentle with my possible limits and it’s so lovely I’ve hung out with him twice in the last week besides the New Year’s Eve party we met at and we’re seeing each other tomorrow so I think it’s safe to say we clicked with each other - and he’s made comments that suggest interest without any expectations and my days it’s so lovely I feel safe enough to explore and (cautiously) test my boundaries so I’ve been asking for hugs and now for cuddles since he likes those too. It’s really cool to get to explore what I think might feel nice without it immediately being taken as a sex thing.

He’s also aware I’m poly because I’ve said it incidentally several times, and he reacted neutrally I think? Maybe with interest?

But on the plus side I made a new friend and he might be into me which is... a lot more exciting than I expected it to be. I’m curious and looking forward to getting to know him better and not even a little anxious which is wild. I‘ve been joking that the concussion knocked the PTSD out of my but honestly I’m thinking it’s faded now that I’m not still in those bad situations where I’m getting constantly triggered. Regardless I’m excited to see what the new year brings! New friend had entire conversations about sex things and kink and as flustered as I got for some of them I didn’t feel uncomfortable and I was totally happy to discuss. Plus he knows that I have some rough history and didn’t overreact. Extra bonus is he’s good, long-term friends with my work friend and she wouldn’t introduce me to people she expected to damage me more because she’s a bit protective so I trust that he’s at least pretty okay because he’s got her approval.

Oh yeah and my grandma died this morning but she was someone I couldn’t stand so I’m more relieved than anything.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. Two years ago, Freedom and I signed the papers binding us together. I’ve been emailing with my attorney to get that marriage dissolved and I’m excited for that to come to pass.

Tonight I met a friend of my coworkers - I really need names for these lovely ladies I spend so much time with! She had mentioned bringing him along to Halloween and then she was in a car accident and couldn’t come after all. So she brought him tonight and guys... he was really nice. Despite my initial flustered feelings when I meet new people, I calmed down pretty quickly and we all ended up having a conversation about kink and sex and things later that was pretty cool. I came away from it more confused that I was not anxious than actually anxious, and even as I sat with that it was more the memory of scared that he might want to bone me than an actual fear? My conclusion was that I need to hang out with him more to establish a new pattern for my brain, gather some more data. I’m so proud of myself for every part of that. He kept bumping his knee into mine and I can’t tell if we were friendly flirting or flirting for real but it was a pleasant interaction and I’d be happy to get to know him more - and he friended me on facebook before I even got home which was kind of nice to see!

I also made friendly with the barista at Starbucks - his name is Felix and he’s moving to the city with his boyfriend in the summer, he’s in a few bands, and he’s getting an engineering/media studies degree. Also he likes dogs and was very touched that I said I’d have brought my cat if I’d known his day wasn’t going so well. So that was very cool and I am just super proud of myself for feeling so calm chatting with new people recently!