Mercedes

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Hii!! This is mes (short for mercedes, an online nickname from 2020), my pronouns are they/them but also whatever u like! I’m 20 and studying biochem in a foreign country and here’s my online diary. I really wanted to have smth like this and i tried on tiktok , instagram even on twitter ... But i wanted to escape everyone that knows me so here i am!! i love music, nostalgia, whimsical things, purple, talking, listening, taking pictures that i wont look again, long road trips, walking in a rainy day, parks, nature, laugh and tears… being an human, being alive!! I love life and i love every second i experienced and I wanted to share it a bit. So that’smy life.

My endless loves ,

When I was 5, there was cartoon that called “little einsteins”, and there was a girl with black hair and pink dress. Whenever I saw that girl on the screen, my heart went faster. She was in my dreams.

I was 9, in a primary school when I “decided” to be a boy. I had so many reasons for that: they were getting along each other so well, their games were more fun, they weren’t judging… I tried so hard to be seen as boy. But one day one of my friends came to me and said you can be a boy, there are surgeries, that’s the time it hit me, did I really want to be a boy? Or it’s because I didn’t want or I was afraid?

I had a friend back then, we weren’t that close but hugging her felt so peaceful. I thought because she was tall, that must be the reason! Because she would keep me safe, right? I kept telling hugs from tall people felt me safe. But the truth is, I never felt the same whenever other tall person hugged me.

I never had a childhood crush, I made up someone because my whole family and friends were keep asking me, in middle school all my crushes were the closest one I had, and it was m deciding to start and stop a crush, it was logical not emotional.

At the 8th grade one of my closest friend came to me: “Could you be an asexual?” She realised that I never was into a guy, even though I pretended for the longest time.

Also there was a short movie “If the world was reversed?” , with a world of homosexuals and the heterosexuals were the judged ones. I never got that movie when I was little, I never see the reason behind it.

With high school, the questioning was started. I was a good ally for sure, but I always fought for oppressed people, so I couldn’t see the difference for myself. But when I looked at the mirror with a skirt on me, that wasn’t a girl with a skirt. And there was a summer camp with the prettiest girl… The truth was too real for me to escape it this time. I just came out to every friend I had.

Since then, I had so many crushes, dates, a 1 year long relationship and 5 years long situation ship, I fell in love again and again, kept changing pronouns, questioned my gender and sexuality, bought a binder, bought a push up bra… I was she/they to they/he… Because I wasn’t ignorant enough to be a she/her but I was too scared to be a he/him.

Now I’m 20, still not sure about my gender so using they /them, and still not sure about my sexuality so saying unlabelled.

There’s also the part with homophobic family and homophobic country, but it’s a different struggle.

I know as a queer community, we all have a different journeys of exploring ourselves, and I want you to know you weren’t alone, you are not alone and youwill never be alone.

Happy pride month, with my endless love to everybody who had to fight just to be themselves!!