#whimsy goth

｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ ﾟ｡ ･my moodboard/visionboard ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ ﾟ｡

Today i felt like myself again, it’s been a while. Thank’s to my noisy neighbors.

My sleep schedule was a mess for a long time and all i was doing was watching series over and over again till i fall asleep. But today, I woke up at 8, even though i slept by 5. I know it’s not healthy and it’s not enough but it’s a step on the way finding myself again.

I couldn’t go back to sleep so I took a very long shower and i went to a walk, even the weather was burning me. My phone was frozen, with the last song played at loop. At that point i stayed with myself, the music, the city, the nature, the feeling of the wind in my skin.

Then I decided to bake something, a cheesecake. It was the first thing I learned to cook, when i was 11 i wasn’t able to make a pasta but a cheesecake. Making this cheesecake touched 11 year old me in deep of my heart. But this time, I was all alone.

Not in a bad way by the way, I grew up and I’ll always grow up, that’s life! Younger me never wanted to grow up, because ‘she’ was scared. I want to keep growing up and get older, because I’m scared. Because now I know nobody is Peter Pan and there’s only one way to stop getting old. But this fear keeps me alive, it’s the meaning of my life.

I know everything is temporary and I know we all will end up being worm food, but my friend told me that she believes in reincarnation. Not in a spiritual way, but in a physical way. She said that when she dies, she will give back to earth whatever she took from it. That’s her way to stay alive after death, in another form, as minerals, nutrition, a source…

And I think it’s beautiful.

She was the first and only person that made me less afraid of death. It’s still the end but it’s a beautiful ending in this way, I’m giving what I took and what I had to the love of my life: life! Because you can’t be that scared of death if you’re not in love with life.

Back to the cheesecake, this is the first time I made one with lemon, the previous ones were always with berries. No, I won’t find a poetic meaning to this , I’m just yapping. It’s an online diary anyway.

Showering, going for a walk, baking, maybe these are basic human skills but also they helped me to find myself again, at least for a day. Because now it’s 3 am again and my sleep schedule is messed up again. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up with a guitar sound from my roommates and I will clean my room this time. Maybe I’m lost in that mess, that’s why I can’t find my self without losing it eventually.

I think I should sleep now, being awake makes me a yapper.

If you are still here, no you were not and I only talked with myself. But still, my endless lovess <33 (Doesn’t matter if u read all or not, but ig if u didnt you wont see this too, but I don’t blame you I talked a lot about nothing and I didnt plan this post in this way

I customised a dress. It had to be taken in and I added the lace trim. I took length off the sleeves and added the folded over edge back on.

What it looked like before.