A Little Much

If I could have you without all the financial struggles. Without all the fucked up family. Without your awful living situation. Without your addiction. If I could have you like that, I would keep you for all my life.

I would love you untill the end of time. There would be nothing that could get us apart, there would just be us against the world.

But I can’t have you the way I wish.

And I can’t deal with these struggles anymore. I can’t stand to hear and see your mother drunk out of her mind like that anymore. I can’t stand to hear another one of your father’s stupid plans on earning money, instead of him just working whatever job he could get. I can’t stand to be intimidated by your brother, I can’t stand to see your younger brother glued to the couch that I bought. I can’t stand seeing the furniture I bought being used without anyone ever thanking me. I can’t stand your addiction, I can’t stand the way you spend your money untill your broke. I can’t stand your nonchalant way of dealing with your debt, or rather not dealing with them at all. I just can’t stand it anymore.

And it’s so hard.

Because I love so many little things.

I love the way you look at, the way you make me smile. I love how you’d be willing to listen to me drone on for hours. I love how much effort you made by taking an interest in what I loved most. I love how you cook for me, I love when we go out to dinner.

But I can’t do all those things with you without worrying. And I’m so tired of constantly being worried. I’m so tired of thinking how our future would be and knowing that it would never what I wished in the beginning. I’m so tired of worrying having to spend a portion of my money on your daily to weekly expenses.

I’m so tired. I love you still, but I’m so tired of waiting on change to happen.

I will love you always, and I will always wonder “what if..?”