Cooking with CORTIS: the real TNT
syponsis: CORTIS cooks for their one year anniversary, its not that difficult... right?
wc 2.2k
an: AHHH MY CORTIS IS ONE YEAR OMG WHAT THATS CRAZY enjoy this fic ive been plotting since last month but only just finished it...
βAnnyeonghaseyo, Mr Beast imidaβ Martin bellows into the camera, purposely deepening his voice. The group of hooligans, better known as Cortis, stood around an odd looking kitchen set-up, looking excited.Β
βMan, lock in.β You sigh, pinching your nose bridge. βToday, we will be cooking our dinner! So if we mess up, we have no food!βΒ
Many knew that Cortis was NOT built to be anywhere in the vicinity of a kitchen, as it was usually followed by what looked like a tornado had just passed through the area.
βHana dul sae!β Martin shouts, activating the rest of the group like sleeper agents.
βCooking with Cortis!β
[Choosing sides]
The staff passed each of you a piece of paper, which you all opened dutifully, instructing you as to where you were allocated to. You were grouped up with James and Keonho, assigned to the outer square, which took care of getting the ingredients, cleaning and plating. Martin, Juhoon and Seonghyeon were assigned to the inner square, trapped and forced to cook.Β
A gigantic decision wheel was pushed towards all of you, allowing each member to write down a meal of their choice, whichβ¦ might have been a mistake.Β
βHey, what is this! Who wrote filet mignon!β James yelled, his hand pausing mid air, just millimeters away from the decision wheel. Seeing no one admit it, Cortis quickly caught on, realising the staff were setting them up for failure.Β
βCβmon guys we're not in Masterchef! We can barely cook!β Seonghyeon complained to the director, causing the whole set to burst out laughing.
Nevertheless, they all wrote down their meal of choice:
[Martin: Kebab]
[James: Sushi]
[Juhoon: Kimchi Jjigae]
[Seonghyeon: Pasta]
[Keonho: Egg Fried Rice]
[You: 6 Tiered Cake]
βHey please, why are you writing cake! Who eats cake for dinner?β Keonho argued, obviously not wanting to bake a cake.
Juhoon sighed, looking as though you had already sealed the groupβs fate. βYou couldn't even do an easy cake you HAD to do a 6 tiered one.β
βIt's not that bad! I just want to eat cake... What are the odds I'll even get chosen anyway!β You huffed.
The staff spun the wheel, and the circus had finally quietened down, the atmosphere tense as you all seemingly held your breaths. As the ominous ticking sound of the spinning slowed to a stop, everyoneβs eyes darted down to the slot chosen.Β
[6 Tiered Cake]
Immediately, there was an insane uproar, everyone screaming at the top of their lungs upon seeing the torture theyβve been subjected to.Β
Martin threw his hands up in disbelief, Jamesβ face contorted into one that has never been seen before, Juhoon put his arms on his hips and dejectedly shook his head, Seonghyeon was banging his head against the wall, Keonho fell to his knees in despair and You covered your face in incredulity, ashamed of your past selfβs choice, turning away from the camera.
βWHY! WHY! WHY!β Keonho cried out, pretending to sob.
βSorry guys, I really didn't think this would happen! I put it in for fun!β You choked out in between your laughter, wiping tears from your eyes.
Β As the cacophony slowly died down, the staff explained the rules:
[Rules:
The people in the outer square cannot enter the inner square and vice versa.
You can only use the tools and utilities in your section.
Only the outer square can have the recipe.
All these rules are in play from now to the time the cake is in the oven.]
βOkay, let's get started!βΒ
Immediately, chaos erupted.
Martin was yelling for the ingredients but he spoke so fast that all anyone could hear was some gibberish that sounded like: βGUYSGUYSonecakemixthenyouneedthislikewateriguessiddkdkjfathenweneedEGGsfirsurehurhyhruy GUYS COME ON!β
James and Keonho were literally carrying out a food fight, throwing the boxes of cake mix at the inner square, managing to hit Martin squarely on his chest, literally taking his breath away.
You cautiously balanced two cartons of eggs in your hands as it threatened to fall through your fingers.
Surprisingly, you successfully made it to the intersection of the inner square to pass over the eggs.
Unsurprisingly, a well-timed box of cake mix flew towards the carton of eggs that were being passed from You to Juhoon, causing it to fly away from the grasp of your fingers, and come crashing down.Β
Astonished, You whipped your head in the direction the cake mix came from, only to be greeted with the sight of a somehow cake-mix covered Keonho, who had paused and looked at you guiltily, only offering a small βOops..β
Thankfully, the majority of the eggs were intact, but some had cracked and coated the remaining eggs with their insides.
During all that chaos, no one happened to notice Seonghyeon turning the knobs on the oven. To the untrained eye, it would seem as though it was a harmless act of preheating the oven, but this was not part of the recipe for a cake.
It was the recipe for disaster.
As predicted, the oven caught on fire. However, it was not the usual suspects of a random box in the oven or sorts. Seonghyeon had managed to line the baking tray with normal paper instead of baking paper.Β
βOH SH*Tβ Seonghyeon shrieked, scrambling away from the oven as fast as he could.
Luckily, having anticipated this happening, the staff scurried over with a fire extinguisher and put out the raging fire. What was even more shocking was that they had a backup oven, knowing that things like this only happen with Cortis.
βI don't know how that happened, I swear.β Seonghyeon exclaimed, pleading for mercy.
βHmm, I donβt know Sean,β You sarcastically pondered, βMaybe because you put PAPER in the OVEN!β You riposted, flabbergasted at the lack of wrinkles on Seonghyeonβs brain.
One would think that this pandemonium would slowly die down as they continued to bake. On the contrary, they had mishap after mishap, their voices gradually increasing in volume, to the point where all the staff were wearing earplugs and could still hear Cortis as clear as day.
βWait no, you put in the cake-mix before the milk and eggs.β
βHow was I supposed to know that!β
βIVE REPEATED IT NUMEROUS TIMES!β
βOkay, now pour the vanilla extract in, wait no put the milk first, wait no you need to warm the milkβ
βKEONHO YOU NEED TO READ BEFORE OPENING YOUR MOUTH!β
βTurn the oven temperature to 180 degrees celsius. Turn left some more, no turn right, well not that muchβ
βJames, will you SHUT UP!β
After THREE whole hours of this torture, the cake finally made it into the oven.
The kitchen looked akin to a war zone, milk split all over the counters, egg shells decorating the floors and butter on the ceiling??
Cortis were lying on the floor, nonexempt to the new makeover. The buttercream splattered all over their faces, whipped cream and egg shells in their hair, cake-mix covering their entire forearm.Β
βWe are never doing that ever again.β You announced, having become an entirely different person from when you first entered the studio.
βReacted with thumbs up emojiβ Juhoon replied, closing his eyes.
[This went on for a whileβ¦]
βDINGβ The oven beeped loudly, causing Cortis to be scared out of their previous state of calm.Β
They gathered around the oven, peeking through the tinted window, on edge as if the cake was a bomb.Β
βSeonghyeon, open it!β James urged, looking anxious.Β
βNo! Martin is closer! Martin, you open it!β Seonghyeon responded, not wanting to be the bearer of bad news.Β
βWhy me!β Martin whined, but still cautiously opened the oven door.Β
Instantly, a plume of smoke came spilling out of the oven, causing all of you to go into a coughing fit.Β
βGosh what could be behind that!β You choked out, stunned.Β
Nevertheless, Martin waved away the smoke, only to reveal a burnt, black monstrosity in the cake tin.Β
Keonho looked at the staff perplexed, wondering how on earth this could be edible. Upon seeing the signal to continue, he shrugged and pulled the cake tins out.Β
Instantly, the smell hit you. It smelled like bitter caramel, sharp carbon and scorched flour with hints of vanilla.
Juhoon grabbed a toothpick and poked it into the center of the cake to test if it was ready. Unexpectedly, the entire center deflated, and the toothpick that Juhoon pulled out showed that the inside was still entirely liquid.Β
Not wanting to repeat the disastrous experience, you all continued with the decorating part of the cake.
James and Juhoon meticulously stacked the layers of cake on top of each other, while the rest of you caused a mess trying to put the buttercream in between each layer.
Sweat beading at his forehead, Juhoon finally placed the final layer of cake without the tower falling over.
You all heaved a sigh of relief, cheering at the only part that was done half as well as a normal person.
Gravity threatened to tip over the cake with its slanted stance, and the only way it could remain standing was with hopes and prayers.Β
In a blink of an eye, somehow, You, Keonho and Seonghyeon had gotten a hold of the coloured buttercream, and began to wreak havoc on the cake, colours flying everywhere.Β
The rest of the members joined in, and before long, the previously black cake was covered thickly with strings of buttercream, and Cortis was written horrendously on the top layer.
βLets dedicate this cake to our 1 year anniversary!β You thought aloud, the rest of the members immediately nodding with agreement.
Martin hollered into the camera: βDear Coers, Happy one year anniversary!!β, with the rest of you cheering in the background.
[Time for Cortis to try the cake]
Upon hearing the staffβs words, everyoneβs face immediately dropped, any trace of a smile wiped clean off your faces.
βDo we really have to?β Juhoon asked timidly, fearing for his safety.
Upon seeing the collective heads nodding from behind the cameras, You decided:
βI'll take one for the team. It was my idea anywayβ¦βΒ
Hearing the literal crickets, your brave facade fell. βWas no one going to stop me or join me? I thought we were going to have a wonderful back and forth and in the end I would go βNoβ¦ I'll do it. For Cortis!'βΒ
Martin opened, then closed his mouth, at a loss for words at your genuine foolishness -β and audacity. βI mean we really value ourselves.βΒ
Theatrically rolling your eyes and sighing, You picked up a fork and took a dig at the disaster in front of you. Taking a deep breath in, You squeezed your eyes shut and shoved the cake into your mouth.Β
Raising your eyebrows incredulously, you urged:Β βActuallyβ¦ It's genuinely not that bad! Guys c'mon try it! It's almost good!βΒ
Tentatively, the boys scooped some cake and nibbled at it.
The moment their creation touched their tongues, their tastebuds were murdered. The taste was horrendously bitter with absolutely no sweet sugar or vanilla undertones, and the texture was⦠questionable to say the least.
[The things they do for Coerβ¦]
To protect your idol image, the editors had cut away from the suffering, but with the ungodly retching sounds that came out of the members mouths, little was left to the imagination.Β
Keonho was wiping his tongue aggressively, as if trying to remove every atom of the cake from his mouth.Β Tears forming in his eyes, he shouted: βWHY would you do us like that!?!βΒ
Martin was gargling soda in his mouth, which honestly, just made itΒ worse.Β
Sticking his tongue out under running water, Juhoon attempted to wash the taste away, questioning his existence.
James had somehow managed to swallow the cake, however his misery did not ease, as he was now forcing vomit back into his stomach.
Seonghyeon had spat the cake right back out onto his spoon, which he promptly threw away. βThat is disgusting. How did we even-β
βWhy did we even attempt this?β Juhoon sighed, slumping back onto the floor. βIβm going to go on hiatus.β
You clutched your stomach, tears streaming down your face as you laughed at your members, βEating that cake was so worth it!β
βI canβt do this anymoreβ¦β Martin complained, signalling at the staff to cut the cameras. βThis video ends here thank you Coer, Happy First Anniver-β He could barely finish his sentence before retching again, causing the video to cut off there.
Weverse 2026.08.19:
Notice:
[NOTICE] CORTIS Upcoming Schedule:Β
Hello.
This is BIGHIT MUSIC.
We would like to inform you of adjustments to CORTISβ participation in scheduled activities due to their health conditions.Β
CORTIS recently ate food that was unsuitable, leading to excessive vomiting, and were immediately sent to the hospital. Following a thorough examination, they were diagnosed with food poisoning. They promptly received the necessary treatment and are currently recovering steadily.Β
Although CORTIS is eager to participate in scheduled activities, we will prioritize the medical teamβs advice and CORTISβ recovery, managing their future schedule with flexibility.
Their participation in upcoming festivals and other scheduled engagements will continue to be reviewed in close consultation with medical professionals, and the format of their participation may be adjusted. We ask for your kind understanding.
We will continue to do our utmost to support CORTISβ recovery so that they can return to fans in good health as soon as possible.
Thank you.
