be crime do gays

cop car - mitski

nobody - mitski

el diablo - kickstart

hanging - nothing but thieves

youth - cleopatrick

get off easy - breathe carolina

night ride - the growlers

vacant lot - the growlers

devil like me - rainbow kitten surprise

never land - sisters of mercy

home - daughter

karma police - radiohead

this is the story about how these anime pyjama pants saved my fucking ass

(this is a repurposed discord chat log bc i’m lazy lol)

my intention [in dilards] was i was gonna try to get a handbag but a dumb bitch got distracted by the mac counter :,) they dont have shopping baskets so im carrying these things around and considering them and whatnot. its always been super chill for me at dillards so i was complacent i guess :,)

i decided handbags were too risky, so im wandering around looking for the bathroom and concealing as i go along, and dropping decoys as i go along. i legit could not find the bathroom lmao. finally this lady asks me how im doing and im like oh im good, thanks. WAIT ACTUALLY bathroom plz? 

and let me tell ya: these assholes tried to entrap me

first she told me the wrong direction to head in. like straight up she told me to take a left instead of a right. so i took a right where i should have taken a left and encountered another sa, who was like you looking for something? i was like [genuinely relieved] yes maam im a little confused bc this lady told me the bathrooms were to the right but i havent found them yet. so then she takes this nasty tone, points behind me, and says “back there. that wall.“ and im like [squint] that grey wall with a bathroom sign so small i cant read? ok cool thanks

i turned back to her after i looked where she was pointing bc i make a point “making eye contact” with sas and smiling at them

this bitch was looking into my bath and body works bag

i was like ah, okayyyy i see. yall set up a barricade for this lady to catch me after the other one sent me in the wrong direction lmao

so i nonchalantly (key!) make my way to the bathroom, and i take my pants down and piss lmao. and IMMEDIATELY some other lady follows me and is loudly talking on her phone. no pissing sounds, no water from sink or paper towels, just standing there talking. i was like ah, and theres lp

so i take these pyjama bottoms out of my box lunch bag. yall know how they bound up pyjama bottoms and like, wrap it around this plastic hanger, and theyll put cardboard around it? (see pictures lol.) so i put what i lifted from dillards inside of the pants, and rewrap them around the hanger and put the cardboard on

meanwhile a bitch is humiliating herself grunting acting like shes shitting lmao

so then i wash my hands lah dee dah and exit and IMMEDIATELY the lp chick follows me out, an lp dude is like “maam” and theres the lady who lied to me about where to find the bathrooms

i kept it cool. i was like hi yall sup? whats good? 

“we know you had things in your hand and you entered the bathroom with them”

me: [internally] hmmm i concealed before then so that’s a lie they were “in my hand” but w/e lets see how this plays out

im like nope :) youre mistaken :)

“well wheres the stuff?”

idk :) ive been setting things down around the store :)

“well where is it?”

and this is something I DONT RECOMMEND unless you took a precaution like i did. but ngl it’s a mad power move. i asked them “do you… want to look in my bags…?”

me: [playing dumb/confused/upset] them: well we want to call the police… me: okay, do that then…?  them:  me: go ahead, ive got all night. idk about yall since stores closing in 10… :)

so then i hand over my bags and they look and they dont find shit

they keep asking me wheres the stuff? and i keep saying idk, all i can tell you is you just confirmed with your own eyes and hands i dont have it ┐(◕◡◕)┌ 

them: BUT me: the only other thing i can suggest is you all pat me down…? [turns to the manager that lied to me about bathroom] maam no offense to this gentleman but id prefer for you to pat me since youre a woman her: uhhhhhh me: go for it :) go ahead :)) check for yourself :)))

so finally lp guy tells her “look. we legit searched her bags and didnt find anything…" so then she gets all hmph and is liek YOURE BANNED FROM THIS LOCATION

me: how presumptuous her: what do you mean? ):< me: how presumptuous youre assuming id ever desire to return here after yall have humiliated me publicly like this. are you a manager? her: yes… me: whats your name? her: [name but pointedly does not tell me her last name] me: ok cool thanks. if you dont mind im leaving now

then they follow me but dont do a good job of hiding they are lmao. like i can hear them behind me. manager was like “but i wanna call the pigs  ” and lp was like and what will we do if they come here and dont find anything on her like we didnt, even if they pat her? im not calling them

so then to make a point i purposefully go to where i knew i left a decoy, and strutted my happy ass back to the mac counter like “excuse me maam i took these from this dept and i didnt know that would get me in so much trouble so im sorry, but heres one of your things. im sorry i left various things around the store ):”

then i filed a complaint with mac, and asked who the other managers of the store are, and how to reach a regional manager. i was being foolish not concealing sooner but rip. i knew it was near close thats a magic hour for places but damn if this bitch didnt have a vendetta against me lmao

another note from going over this with someone else: when i complained at the mac counter, and then described this manger and told her her name? mac lady was like oh… that’s the head of the makeup dept

ie, this bitch LEFT HER DEPT and TOOK IT UPON HERSELF to PHYSICALLY FOLLOW ME AROUND THE STORE. her intuition was good but i was more clever, but were it not for thinking fast and having a good hiding spot, i might not be a free woman right now lol. this lady was gunning to take me down. shit felt personal lmao

what i did wrong: had things in my hands too long, was too greedy, was too obvious in taking something away from the dept it came from, was too cocky, took too long to pick up on them following me and what they were up to. under normal circumstances NEVER let someone look through your things, but this was a case of the pro outweighing the con to me, hence my offer, so i won’t say that was something i did wrong here. i think it helped prevent police involvement, so if you find yourself in a sitch like this use your head and determine if it’s better to offer

what lp and the manager did wrong: they didn’t wait until i tried to leave the store. now, technically, this was legal to stop me after the bathroom, but a lot of places have the policy of stopping someone once they go past a point of sale, ie exit the store. they do this bc then it’s easier to prove someone had no intention of paying. they also didn’t search me very well, thankfully, but… they opened themselves up for a defamation lawsuit. i won’t pursue that, but that’s the reality. they thought they were so certain but in the end couldn’t prove it

what lp did right: they backed down once they realized cops would be involved but it might be fruitless, and they didn’t touch me. ie, they avoided getting the pigs pissed at them, and they avoided a possible sexual harassment and/or assault lawsuit from someone touching ,e. they didn’t take me to their office, ie they avoided detaining me, and a false detainment case as well

That has got to be the most ridiculous title for myself. Anyway. GOOGLE MAGIC TRICKS. LEARN SLEIGHT OF HAND THROUGH MAGIC TUTORIALS.

Guys I was OBSESSED with magic as a kid and I practiced it until I was a junior in high school. You know how easily I took to lifting? Ridiculously. I’ve fucking concealed with employees staring me in the eye during my first ever haul. They can’t tell shit. And they had no idea. There’s tricks you can learn that are INVALUABLE. Of course don’t go running up to lp and concealing in front of them right away. I’ve been playing with sleight of hand and illusions for years. You’d be amazed how much better you can get at lifting if you learn tricks similar to it.

Penny behind the ear? Oh no. I pulled a fucking nAKED PALLETTE OUT OF YOUR DAMN ASS HOW’S THAT FOR A TRICK.

Mine is still called “romancing the stone” so if these tips aren’t accurate it may vary by store.

According to recent experience, sales associates will constantly bug you if you are carrying a backpack (I’ll also say a purse too).

No loss prevention!! Safe for 18+ lifters as long as you know what you’re doing.

For some reason, my store hired all new staff. My friend and I used to hit that store hard every time (average once a month) and I guess they’ve caught on? I’m not sure how often Earthbound counts inventory but never swipe 10 rings and 10 crystals in one go like my friend and I did every time.

Clearance is the easiest to łift from personal experience. Stickers can sometimes be peeled off and slapped onto full priced items. If this fails just say that you found that item with the sticker on.

If you are a male lifter like me, carrying a bag is a bad idea, they’ll constantly sus you out. (Refer to point #2)

Items that are located near the entrance don’t even attempt, I was going to steal a wallet and the lady asked me where I put it upon leaving. I haven’t returned to the mall since that incident. (But I did get away with it lol).

If managers are on duty they are usually in the back or at the register.

So Christmas has just passed. You probably went crazy, panic-lifting tons of presents, then chilled out over the few holiday days. Now big Boxing Day/New Years sales are up, stores are going to be BUSY. Lifting could be easy. Here’s some stuff to keep in mind.

1. Order of importance; so I’m not going to preach to only lift what you need, because that’s blurry territory. But take the time to list what you need and get those items before more luxury items- pressure will be off and you don’t have to focus on it anymore, you can lift freely. In short, try to get food and basic stuff before pricey skincare and excess clothes and makeup.

2. Disguise; make subtle changes to yourself. This can be hard to pull off so observe your usual style, what you’d pull out of your closet and put on your face and do to your hair on any normal shopping day. Change everything you can. Clip the bangs up, dot freckles on, wear the contact lenses over the glasses or vice versa. Wear the pale jeans and nude boots over the black cargos and combat boots and goth coat. I hate to say it being a goth girl at heart, but individuality and alternativity (is that a word?) doesn’t have a place in lifting. It will get you caught very fast. Get as close to looking like just another kind and agreeable yet kind of spoilt and rich average gal/dude. Be wary of looking too rich somewhere more expensive, though - they may see dollar signs and harass you for a sale.

3. Your rights; NOBODY except loss prevention and police can stop you, and nobody but police can search your bag without permission. Stay calm, cool and polite. Collected. You understand why they stop people, shoplifting does happen and you’ve seen it a few times - but you don’t really get it. You have a job and work hard and spend your hard earned money here. Be co operative but know your right to privacy. Don’t let them dance around the topic, ask politely if there’s a problem. If you have a bad feeling then get out of there, say no thank you to the request for a bag check, if it comes to it then say you don’t like being accused of something. Hell, even pull the ‘you’re a forty something year old guy, I’m a young lady, I feel threatened, I heard about that pr!m@rk nonce security guard scandal you know!!!’ card if you must. But never, ever fall for their shit. Don’t get taken to a back room and wait for police to show up. Get out of there.

4. Organisation; carefully think before you head out to lift what you’re going to do with your haul items. Do you have a car to drop goods in between stores? A big bag? I recently started tightly folding up plastic reusable bags in my purse and it’s been AMAZING. It’s eco friendly, it just makes you look like a nice conscious shopper, and it’s extra room. Loads of it. Practice at home folding up or squeezing in the type of things you’ll be lifting, make sure you can pull off a type of conceal before you do it. As long as everything looks alright, your bags aren’t lumpy and misshapen and merchandise isn’t spilling out everywhere, you’re golden.

5. Awareness; it does no good to be inconsolably paranoid while lifting but do assume every camera is being watched closely, you are being observed, plainclothes LP are here somewhere, any shoppers that see you conceal or have suspicion will rat you out, workers are aware of lifting activity and are communicating and most of all assume everyone in the damn shop is aware you are there. You cannot sneak a whole human in and out of a store! You’re there and that’s okay, take up the necessary space. You’re just a shopper and it’s okay to take interest in everything, talk on the phone, have normal conversations and laugh with a friend you’re with. You are a normal person, you don’t turn into an alien when you lift though it may feel like it.

anyway, im seriously lacking in lifting posts on my dash soooo

REBLOG IF YOU:

lift (duh)

post tips + hauls

live w/ someone who DOESNT know

have lifting stories

are brokegang

are in skool

are 16+

you DONT have to be all of the above !!

but itd be nice if you were at least 4/7