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June 12, 2020: Fear is an excuse to stay stagnant in life. Think about every time you made an elaborate excuse not to do something or go somewhere? The driver was fear, whether you knew it or not. 

I am sitting in a cemetary and everyone here has once lived and now doesn't. Too many metephors associated with life, these are the only two certainties given to us. 

That is the balancing force. Beginning and end. It is our duty to discover what that balance is and to keep that harmony for our entire time here. The journey is the best part, it is where all the fun is. 

Our bodies are impermanent. Every moment is impermentant. We don't remember our birth and we cannot predict what death feels like so in fact we are designed to live just in the moment. In this reality which is now. Nothing exists longer than a second. Nothing.

So since nothing last longer than a second, if we are continuously evolving in every sense possible, why look back or forth? There is so much happening right now. 

January 7, 2019: I am at peace with my PTSD, I am at peace with my depression and all the things that got me to those locations/state of mind. I don’t hate anyone. I still struggle vocalizing to my family what happened but honestly, I rather have peace now then fight them on something they probably had no idea was happening.   

2020 Reflection: What happens to us in life isn't who we are unless we allow it to become us. This was just the start of forgiveness. I learned a valuable lesson in accepting but the work... that work is going to be happening for the rest of my life. I'm learning to be patient and to notice the patterns. When the patterns that feel like chronic suffering are rethought as temporary emotions, major shifts happen. Healing is not forgetting, it is strategically remembering to make way for a new way of life to grow.

May 22,2020: Honoring the love we feel is honoring an energy that brings peace & harmony to our existence. When it flows freely from each part of us we can explore the galaxies within us, grasping the unique wisdom that we need to live with purpose.

If we live by this freedom, we will then experience how abundant this existence can actually be.

I'm embracing that life & hope you one day can as well..with or without me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ Reflection: When in love it's hard to practice patience. The euphoria pushes us to unconsciously manipulate the feeling/relationship in hopes that it stays like that forever. Frozen. In that case it is not love, it is an expectation (conditional). When authentic, the love that is shared with us by someone cannot be taken away. Love doesn't leave us in shambles, unmet expectations do. How to practice unconditional love? As the wonderful Thich Nhat Hanh puts it: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I love you and I want you to be happy. If your happiness includes me, then wonderful. If it doesn't include me, that is wonderful too. ♡♡ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Be free, love free. but truly.

April 13, 2015: It's something I've known for a long time but it's hard to admit to myself let alone another person. I'm deeply in love with the idea of them but have no desire to see it played out in real life. I need to figure out my mind. I need to learn that part of me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 2020 Reflection: It took me quite sometime to realize my fantasies were a coping mechanism. It was a way my ego soothed the uncertainties and fears of being rejected. I know there is so much information about the ego being shared on the internet these days but I personally learned through my own reflections that my ego isn't necessarily the bad guy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Regarding my emotional self, ego is the first line of defense so when my heart is scared to act on my desires, ego jumps in because it received a signal that my internal self is terrified and believes it cannot handle the situation. So for my heart, fantasies that show me all my choices will be perfectly received is my choice of self-soothing. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Now, ego is the guide my conscious self uses to get deep with my fears and discomforts. So for that, I embrace my ego with love, compassion, kindness, & listen/feel where it is taking me behind the persona. We can't kill the messenger, ya know?

May 17,2020: this new flow of emotions brings an incredible harmony within me. like a daily internal rainstorm, the emotion always pass through. It brings me joy not to be stuck, but everything about me has changed. My fear is losing all the familiar parts of me. Hurt is beginning to feel like home. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ What will happen to my art, my writing...it is scary because I have no idea how my tone will shift. My perspective. People won't recognize the work I've worked so tirelessly to create. What if they are only interested in basking in their hurt also. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

To embrace this "new", I suppose I should practice writing when I feel all emotions...to meet all the parts of me & not rely so heavily on the one that has been my source of inspiration for so long..sadness.. .. now I know the balance. I know I cannot be broken, that all of me is already inside of me. I am missing nothing, seeking nothing. Will people care to hear about my healing? My true, true healing? The kind that breaks you open to meet your true Self. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Reflection: I took sometime awhile back to look deeper at the "torchered" artist trend. Artist thinking they can't appeal to audiences if they heal their hurt/trauma. In my case, I'm tired of it tbh. It's apart of my human experience, I will feel sadness again but it isn't me all the time. I want to remember all the parts of me when I look back at my journals 10 years from now. Not just the dark moments. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My art is about to change. My life is about to change. And I'm looking directly at that possibility with excitement. To discover is my most important life purpose and now I get to do that with myself. In every emotion and form. Amazing..

Jan. 2020: the flaws I see in someone else are not their flaw. Merely a reflection of how I see myself.

It tastes GOOD just to recognize that cycle of projection. a new journey can begin from that recognition. One based on self healing. What a life.

March 3, 2019: Yesterday I went on a nice date. I learned about a person in a very genuine and simple manner. It is often hard for me to be open so I kept quiet and tried my best to explain my silence. He seemed pretty occupied...

June 28, 2019

Nov 10, 2019: I found a steady harmony between the love that often wants to burst from inside me and my imagination. These days I've been using fantasy as a tool rather than a fortune teller.

fighting with the ego can go on for years.

June 5, 2019: It was possible to open myself up completely. Someone was willing to run after me (literally. Remember that day? You ran after me). I love you. Love shifts. It is shifting....to a memory.I can't believe you will only be a memory. I can't.