Life Tips(y)

“reblog for good luck” posts are fantastic and they give the same kind of giddy excitement that you had when you were a kid throwing a penny in a wishing well but friendly reminder that even when you reblog something and something really good happens, luck is only 5% and every single good decision you’ve made up until that point constituted the other 95%.

love charms to get a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner:

write their name on an eraser and once the eraser is completely used, the feelings will be returned (supposedly)

find a coin in your birth year, tie it up with a red string, and do not spend it, but keep it in your purse/wallet 

toss a coin into your local wishing well and wish for the feelings to be requited

save your fallen eyelashes until you have seven of them and blow them away as you say your wish

find out their lucky number and fold the same amount of paper stars before making your wish

have them drink a love potion with rosemary, anise seeds, honey, red wine, cloves, and germanium leaves

the ultimate love charm:

listen up cowards, i’m just gonna be real honest with you, you just gotta tell them. you have to tell them that you’ve got feelings for them and that you’d like to pursue a relationship with them because that’s the only guarantee that anything will happen. march up to them and tell them that you like them as more than friends, acquaintances, or whatever the hell you guys are. and yes, there is no guarantee that they’re going to like you back, and there’s no protection against them rejecting you. but you have to be just a little bit brave. unwrap your feelings and hold them out to the world because that’s the only way you’re ever going to feel alive. i believe in you. just remember that your world will never be crafted around a singular person other than yourself. your universe will move on even if you are rejected. 

how to tell if someone is actually a piece of bread:

Some good things to remember that you might forget:

No one is guaranteed a second chance but people can change. You as a person are perfectly capable of evolving and adapting. You will always have the option to become better.

Don’t microwave marshmallows for longer than twenty seconds. It’s tempting but don’t.

It’s okay to have wanted something and not get it. You don’t need to use hindsight bias in every situation. (ex. Getting a bad grade on the test and being like “oh, I didn’t even really try anyway.”) You don’t have to make every shot you take.

If you have bad food in the house, you will eat the bad food. Eliminate the temptation entirely by having a set grocery list when you go to the store and try crossing out processed foods to the best of your ability! Your body is gorgeous and I want you to take care of it.

Don’t fucking touch the horsehair on string instrument bows !! Don’t do that !! 

Please please please do not eat the crunchy fall leaves, they are not good for munchies.

Telling somebody about your problems does not make you demanding. You are a human being and your emotions are valid. 

People don’t have to like you. You don’t exist for anybody else, no matter how many times somebody will try to reinforce that idea. 

The parsley comes out of the bottle faster than you expect. Be ready. Do not allow it to dominate.

a sample list of things to do to feel a little more alive

buy brownie mix from the store. follow the directions on the back. when the brownies are almost cooked, dump an entire bag of mini marshmallows onto the top so that it forms a gooey layer. allow it to sit in the oven long enough for you to doubt whether it’ll actually be good or not. eat it. wonder why you’ve ever doubted yourself or the marshmallows.

go to the store. purchase a small packet of every single flavor of kool-aid available. pour them into a cup. mix in water. stir. create the ultimate kool-aid flavor. drink. ask yourself why you take advice from the internet. drink more. drink water to get rid of the taste. realize water now tastes like kool-aid. understand the consequences of your actions by enduring the week long torture of not having taste buds. only kool-aid.

paint a self-portrait with finger paints from the dollar store. do it on a tri-fold poster board. laugh at the shortcomings of the public education system. give yourself fangs because you’ve always wanted them. add a little party hat. you’re not sure what you’re celebrating but it feels nice to celebrate. 

take a piece of chalk and walk around the neighborhood drawing smiley faces so small that you’d have to be looking for them to find them. admire the funky little gnome in your neighbor’s yard. give them a name. walk another block and draw a dick. it’s not funny but laugh, just so you remember what your laugh sounds like. 

head out to the nearest park or field. scan for dog poop. lay down (preferably not in the dog poop). stare up at the sky. close your eyes because the sky becomes boring. imagine what color you would’ve made the sky if you could choose. open them. the sky’s still blue but it’s nice to pretend.

a handy list for referring to a “penis” in a story using different synonyms and what the connotations are:

penis - simple, basic (but not overused). a respectable word, probably used in medical contexts or by a very beginner fanfiction author who just discovered what a smut was and is still highly uncomfortable with the idea of “bad words.” sometimes dropped in by more experienced authors who just need a break from typing out “dick” all the time.

dick (richard) - most common usage, mainly because if you write dick, you’re writing either a smut or crack fic--sometimes both (probably both). familiar enough to be glanced over without a second thought. only a 12 year-old would truly be alarmed by this word but otherwise, your audience won’t be fazed. do not suddenly change from penis to dick or else your readers will be completely caught off guard. if you’re gonna use dick, start with it. 

cock - less common than dick, but otherwise, mostly the same as dick, except this one has the potential for a lot of rooster puns. dropped a lot in dirty talk, so use this for dialogue. always strange to see this in any other context. (ex. His cock was his crown glory, a lengthy spear which he used to stifle sexual cravings.) on the other hand, do it, that reads amazingly.

groin - if you use groin, you’re either writing it from the perspective of a respectable “well to do” protagonist or your audience is a bunch of young teenagers. highly doubtful that this would be used in any sexual context. your character probably just kneed somebody in the balls.

phallus - okay first of all lmAO, cannot picture anybody using this seriously, even though this is the word you’re supposed to use seriously. like imagine somebody asking, “you wanna suck my phallus, baby? you want it?” that fucking kills me. anyways, if you want to look like a victorian age romanticist, use phallus, be my guest. this is the kind of word your parents use when you first asked how babies are made because they didn’t want to expose your ears to hearing “penis”

joystick - whoever decided to refer to their dick as a joystick is my hero. genuinely one of the funniest mental images i have ever had to associate with a penis. i mean technically speaking, i guess it is a stick(?) and if it brings you joy then good for you !! keep doing you, you funky gamer frat boy

dong, schlong - listen,,, what the fUCK. saying this just makes it sound like your penis is some kind of sentient being, or like a miniature pet you keep tucked inside your pants. “scuse me ma’am, my dong needs to pee” god what even

weenie - you are a kindergartner teacher. that’s it. there is no other permitted context in which you are allowed to describe a penis as a weenie.

willie, willy - h u h ?? this is really a thing? people really just walk around calling their dick a willy? ain’t that a name?? i’m so sorry williams who live in britain (which is like all of you), you guys must’ve been the brunt of too many jokes in secondary school

winkle - yah, so the british are fucked up and if you say this in front of me, i will never be able to take you seriously again.

a short list of places to escape this dimension:

grocery stores just before closing time, when the people have begun clearing out and you are surrounded by aisles of bright chip bags, the chill of cold meat, the hum of flickering lights, whirring bread ovens, and the loudest noise is the soft tapping of your footsteps echoing throughout the store. you pass an employee, wave hello, but they vanish once they pass by the holiday display and you never see them again. there is no longer food lining the shelves. the products consist of your musings of the universe and what you imagine should be there. somehow, you know where everything is, but only because you have willed it to that place.

gas stations past midnight, when your headlights are brighter than the lights hanging above you, and the smell of gasoline grows stronger the more you think about it. the voice coming out of the machine is different, but you’re not sure if it’s gotten higher or lower, you’re not sure if you’re hearing a voice anymore and yet, you understand everything it’s saying. the swipe of your card is instinct, you’re not sure how much gas cost, but your tank is full now and you hear barking and howling in the distance. it’s strange. you don’t remember there being wolves or coyotes in this area.

streams off the side of the highway at sunrise, where the morning rush hasn’t yet started and for once, the sound of the water outweighs the rumble of streetcars and the water splashes recklessly across the rocks. you wonder when mother nature will take back her earth. you wonder if it is already happening.

empty patios at evening parties when the stars and you stand alone with an icy cold drink in your hand that you can’t hold onto for too long before your hand turns red and numb. your arms have goosebumps and you stare out into the sky, licking your lips, trying to put feeling back into your hands.

power move: point in random directions while telling stories at a part that doesn’t make sense. watch your audience swivel around in confusion but then lower your hand and continue as if nothing happened.

ex. you: So I was walking my dog— (point at tree behind person)

person: (turns around, sees tree, no dog visible, turns back around) why did you—?

not tumblr famous? don’t worry. all those popular posts with urls that everyone know have users that are deactivated.

why?

how to pass your finals:

with dooms week nearing every student, it becomes more and more important to recommend ways of procrastinating that make it f e e l like you’re doing something productive!

watch award-winning documentaries eith oscars that you can vaguely connect to your final essay even though the two topics are completely unrelated and you are trying to convince your teacher you’re educated through abstraction of the fifth dimension

make a plan to study!! and a plan to make your plan!! and then a plan with friends to study!! and then not actually end up studying because none of your friends replied on the groupchat

learn to cook a new recipe! even if you don’t pass your exam, at least you can eat your green bean casserole that you added extra virgin olive oil to and cry!!

find a sugar daddy! since you’re going to inevitably fail, it makes sense to set up a financial plan for the future anyway.

pack your bags and journey off on a romantic and dramatized pursuit of happiness through an obscure town with 1000 residents or less and then write a best-selling novel about it when you’re done, mocking a capitalistic and classist society!!

build a castle out of raisins, become a meme sensation, wind up on ellen, and be gifted with a lifetime supply of raisins that aid you in your quest for power

handwrite every word in your textbook onto a canvas and pass it off a surrealism to a doubtful art collector