LifeTalks

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I don’t even know if anyone reads these but it’s my way of clearing my head. I started this blog because my head was so fucked and I was at breaking point. The past few months seemed to of got better, I felt happier but now I can feel it all coming back and it scares me. So yet again here I am writing a post, even if I’m talking to myself it somehow makes me feel better. So far the blog has been vague but as it goes on more detail will be added to give the full picture. Part three starts when I was 9. It started off as a normal day, I was at school. My dad picked me up every day but on this particular day I was taken out of a lesson and the head teacher told me my dad had an accident at work so I would have to go to a friends house. As soon as I got there I could tell something wasn’t right, everyone seemed sad and distant from me. I could hear them talking and crying from the other room ‘we can’t tell her it’s not her place’ and ‘poor georgina, like she hasn’t been through enough’ When I got home I remember seeing all of the family members cars outside, which was strange as we only saw them on special occasions, birthdays etc. As I walked through the door my auntie hugged me and took me in the front room. My stepmum looked at me, tears streaming down her face and she said ‘ it’s your dad, he’s gone’ And from that second my life changed forever, the one person that fought for me, cared for me and loved me with all of his heart had gone. I had no one else. I didn’t cry, I just stood there. I couldn’t process it. Life as I knew it had changed forever. And from then.. it all went downhill

Me opening up to you isn’t a fucking competition. I’ve put my trust in you and let down my guard so I expect you to listen. I’m not trying to compare

Fast forward to when I was about 5-6. My dad managed after a 5 year long struggle to get full custody of me, I don't even want to begin to imagine the costs and stress he went through. At first I remember being sad that I wasn't going to be with my mum but as fucked up as my life was with her she was still family. Because I was so young and she used to slag my dad off to me I believed that she was the best mum in the world ( I know now she would be a fab guest on the Jeremy Kyle show and probably win an award for one of the shittest mothers ever) Because my dad was granted full custody and the extent of my mums drug use meant I could only see her in a contact centre and she had to be supervised at all times. This obviously took months to arrange as my mum wouldn't turn up for court to arrange it so you can imagine the first time I was told I was going to see my mum I was ecstatic. When we got there I remember us sitting down and waiting, we where waiting for about half an hour and my dad would make up excuses to make me feel better.. 'her bus must be running late', 'I'm sure she's on her way' 'maybe she woke up late' and I believed each one. We once waited so long that we where told that we couldn't wait any longer and had to go. I can't even begin to explain, at the age of 5 being let down by someone you thought loved you so much, yet after months of no contact couldn't even be bothered turning up. It was heartbreaking. It happened time after time after time where my dad eventually gave up and took it back to court as it wasn't fair on me. We then tried again, this time changing the days and times. I couldn't believe it, she finally showed. I remember this time as it was close to Christmas, she came in with toys and clothes but not all of them I was allowed to keep though, most of it was stolen. Still with security tags attached. But it didn't take long before I was forgotten about again. After that she must of turned up for only 10% of the planned visits and the court then agreed for my own sake that I would no longer have contact with my mum or my brother until I was 16. From a young age I remember seeing a counsellor, I must of been pretty young but my behaviour was pretty bad and I was showing signs of depression and social anxiety. I remember talking about my mum to her and how upset I was and she just assured me that my dad will give me all the love for both parents that I needed. I wasn't like the other kids. No where near 'normal'.

If anyone messages me kicking off about this forget it because you'll be ignored.

I didn’t like going to my dads because my nan and auntie would be there, they are quite posh people so I was just this scruffy kid with behaviour problems (not surprising when looking at my childhood with my mum) and instead of helping me I was more of a hinderance.

-Geena