Fast forward to when I was about 5-6. My dad managed after a 5 year long struggle to get full custody of me, I don't even want to begin to imagine the costs and stress he went through. At first I remember being sad that I wasn't going to be with my mum but as fucked up as my life was with her she was still family. Because I was so young and she used to slag my dad off to me I believed that she was the best mum in the world ( I know now she would be a fab guest on the Jeremy Kyle show and probably win an award for one of the shittest mothers ever) Because my dad was granted full custody and the extent of my mums drug use meant I could only see her in a contact centre and she had to be supervised at all times. This obviously took months to arrange as my mum wouldn't turn up for court to arrange it so you can imagine the first time I was told I was going to see my mum I was ecstatic. When we got there I remember us sitting down and waiting, we where waiting for about half an hour and my dad would make up excuses to make me feel better.. 'her bus must be running late', 'I'm sure she's on her way' 'maybe she woke up late' and I believed each one. We once waited so long that we where told that we couldn't wait any longer and had to go. I can't even begin to explain, at the age of 5 being let down by someone you thought loved you so much, yet after months of no contact couldn't even be bothered turning up. It was heartbreaking. It happened time after time after time where my dad eventually gave up and took it back to court as it wasn't fair on me. We then tried again, this time changing the days and times. I couldn't believe it, she finally showed. I remember this time as it was close to Christmas, she came in with toys and clothes but not all of them I was allowed to keep though, most of it was stolen. Still with security tags attached. But it didn't take long before I was forgotten about again. After that she must of turned up for only 10% of the planned visits and the court then agreed for my own sake that I would no longer have contact with my mum or my brother until I was 16. From a young age I remember seeing a counsellor, I must of been pretty young but my behaviour was pretty bad and I was showing signs of depression and social anxiety. I remember talking about my mum to her and how upset I was and she just assured me that my dad will give me all the love for both parents that I needed. I wasn't like the other kids. No where near 'normal'.
