End of 24 - Self Reflection
Oh, what year it has been. At the start of twenty-four, I experienced depression in a way that I had always thought of as an exaggeration. For months I was unhappy, unsettled, and confused. I slept and cried. I usually would write my thoughts, but I couldn't even work them out enough to complete a sentence. I became infrequent and ghost like on social media. I wasn't talking to my friends or family as often as I usually do. My confidence was low. The worst part was knowing it and wanting to rise above it. When I did, it was like I took a really big breath and held it in until I had to let it out. I felt my sadness turning to anger and I decided that feeling something other than sad and going through the emotions was probably the best way to start to work things out. I picked the thing that made me most upset about my situation and reasoned with myself. My negativity and sadness weren’t helping anything, it was just making it worse.
The thing that made me most angry was that I knew I made enough money to pay my bills. I needed to make that my priority. I decided that I would start by making a single goal, I gave myself three months. I wanted my rent, utilities, phone, and car paid before they were due. It was a huge step in reminding myself that I could do what I wanted if I worked for it. It took a month longer than I wanted but at three months I decided I could do more. I wanted to start to break bad habits. I bit my nails and wanted to stop so, I decided to stop. I was up to a pack and a half a day of cigarettes. I decided to buy a vape to stop from smoking. I was in a long-term relationship and I tried so hard to make it everything that I wanted. I loved him but I started to see that we did better apart. I told myself when I made my goals that I wasn't going to continue to negotiate my happiness and overall sanity. The day came where I felt like one or both of us were insane and it had to end. It was the hardest decision that twenty-four made me make. I knew that I could get through it because I could do anything I worked for.
The emotions were a bitch. I felt myself so close to the place I had just worked so hard to get away from. I had been praying the whole time, but I wasn't looking for honest answers. I was looking for what I wanted to hear. I decided to be open and to give more than just a prayer when I felt helpless. I didn't even go to church that much every other Sunday is generous of my effort. But I started listening to worship music or riding to work in silence praying for my family and friends. I did my best to encourage an old friend and help her work through some of what she was going through. I made a new friend and through our relationship I learned how to stay in my feelings while still knowing my worth. God sent me answers through music, and people. He provided me with blessings disguised as inconvenience.
Once I found a job, I was able to end my lease without penalty. I planned and moved quickly. The day I arrived I found out that I would be working double the weekly hours of my last job. I forced myself to be uncomfortable and I was able to stay positive and encouraged through most of it. After a few weeks of working twelve to thirteen hours a day, keeping up with my senior level course work, while living in Air B&B; I felt drained. I saved and found the place I wanted. I adjusted to my new hours as best I could and kept all of my grades above a 95.
After thinking back on the last twelve months, I have no idea where the time went or how I ended up where I am now. But, it wasn’t a bad year. I learned and I grew in so many ways. Through prayer and positive thinking, I challenged myself to do better. I let go of a couple bad habits. I made choices that were best for myself and my growth. I spent as much time uplifting others as I spent working on myself. Today… I am setting goals for my health, fitness, education, and career. I am happy, I am sorting out what I want, and I am twenty-five.
